01

Living means feeling,

hope, pain, love, desire.

The more we feel,

the more we live.

And yet we suffer.

June 09, 2005

Thursday

Hands breaking through the surface of the water, sending little waves off to soon vanish on the open water of the lake, Castiel scooped as much water as he could.

Mind contemplating whether the thirst or the urge to wash his face was stronger, he stared at his fingers, absentmindedly watching as the water slowly escaped his hands.

Shaking, he dragged them across his face, rubbing the dirt and dust away with what was left of the water, sighing at the refreshing cold.

It seemed to lighten up the small sting in his temple, the slight headache he'd tried to ignore for at least three hours. Heat wasn't for him and walking in the blazing, blinding sun for longer than his feet could carry him didn't help.

Castiel had restrained himself from resting, sitting for just a minute in order to recruit his strength, maybe even sleeping. There was a place he'd need to find before the sun set, shadows forcing him to stay without proper shelter for the night.

He felt his feet burn from endlessly tramping across the forest, uneven ground and loose branches hampering his every movement. It was ridiculous, he'd almost given up so many times, he lost count of how often he just wanted to surrender, scream his frustration into the woods, how often he'd been close to fall from exhaustion.

There was dirt, so much dirt and filth sticking to his clothes, his very skin, causing him to avoid every touch of his hands, arms and face. It was nasty, almost disgusting to feel the rough scratch of dirt on his bare skin.

He began to remove all the earth and filth from wherever he could, rubbing the palms of his hands until they were clean. Castiel could feel the burning sensation increasing every time he pressed his fingers on his arms, dragging them across his skin, repeatedly and careless, firmly.

The aching and reddening skin as he chafed it didn't matter, it would soon cease and go back to normal again, important was to feel somewhat clean again.

Just this one time, Castiel allowed himself to fall back, sit on the grass to relax, pulling the dirty shirt over his head to let it slip into the water, dragging it around a little to rinse, remove the dust. He wrung it out and unfurled it again, laying it next to him on his backpack to dry as much as possible.

Castiel let his head sink, resting it on his forearms, elbows put on his knees as he exhaled long and deep, eyes closed in fatigue.

He was done, tired and hungry, hurting everywhere and each bone in his body screamed for rest. Stretching didn't even work anymore, his muscles were beyond what they could do, how much they could bear.

This wasn't what he had planned. Never could he have even imagined it would end like this, not two weeks ago and certainly not five years ago. He'd thought he'd just finish his degree, work until he was old, find the love of his life somewhere in between and then die, fulfilled with the satisfaction of having lived a normal, happy life.

But this now, this wasn't what he'd expected, wanted. Struggling to survive everyday, having to go along with what he found in nature, food, water and weather, never knowing what would come, what the next day may hold for him.

And he blamed the world, hell he couldn't help but blame humanity, society for everything that had happened, still happened. He got that war was nothing to joke about, he got that war destroyed everything, but he hadn't expected what it could make of society, what dark truths it could uncover within human beings.

Sympathy, understanding, love, toleration, it all didn't seem to exist anymore, annihilated by war, greed and envy. People didn't seem to care that much about other humans anymore, they killed, raped, hurt, robbed. Rules and laws were gone, decency and manners slumped.

Everyone pretended to have at least a spark of decency, but given the opportunity to use another human, hurt him to enrich oneself, most wouldn't even bat an eyelash.

And Castiel was aware of the fact this wasn't something surprising given the circumstances, given the world they lived in, but the lack of sympathy and modesty disgusted him. Especially when it wasn't like this just five years ago.

The war had taken almost everything what humanity had accomplished, and the conditions afterwards, the consequences of the war had taken everything society had been. It had all been taken.

Humanity had decided to get selfish again, everyone for himself, receiving help from another wasn't something you could count on anymore.

It wasn't exactly the post-apocalyptic, postwar world always described in movies, it was medieval, the monsters lurking in the dark weren't zombies or mutants, it were humans. Driven by greed, anger and frustration, selfishness.

Disability, weakness, homosexuality, everything out of the ordinary was seen as repulsive, regarded with dislike and incomprehension. It would prevent the group from moving on fast enough, from growing, and it would cause expulsion.

Castiel shook his head in disbelief, cursing what the world was like right now, grabbing his wet shirt and got up again. He'd rested long enough already, longer than he'd wanted to.

The damp fabric clung to his skin as he pulled the shirt down his torso, trying to remove the creases, but it helped with cooling him down, a welcomed change from the heat.

He didn't pay a lot attention to the remaining stains of dust he was unable to remove with just water, making his appearance look dirty, the white shirt almost see-through.

Contemplating whether the water of the lake was clean enough to drink, to fill his bottle with for the distance he'd still have to cover, he stared at the surface, gaze wandering off to the other side.

There seemed to be smoke, light and almost not visible for the eye, probably undetectable when you weren't paying attention, but it was there. It escaped from the top of the trees, the origin most likely a clearing in the forest.

Castiel wavered for a second, unsure if he could take the risk to go there and ascertain his presumption, thinking it could just as well be nothing, or even something he should stay away from.

Not too long after the war, some humans had started to gather and build large groups, humans who shared a faith, race or goal, and not every group had good intentions.

The ones that just had the purpose to assure survival, protect and shelter its members were nothing to really worry about, yet there were also the ones that intended on more than that.

Some raided other groups, their settlements, even small villages in order to enrich themselves, increase their wealth until they didn't have to worry anymore, didn't ever lack food or weapons.

Their very presence was to be feared, avoided by everyone who was a stranger to them, everyone who didn't share a bond with them. Mercy and exercising restraint weren't exactly their strong sides.

And these were the groups causing Castiel worry, running into one of them could mean his death in the worst case, so no matter where he went, where he stayed, he'd have to be careful.

He picked up his bag, neglecting the bottle he'd wanted to fill with water as he may not need it after all, starting his way to walk around the lake, curious but wary towards the smoke.

Castiel didn't have proper weapons or tools, he had found a rusty knife a few days ago, just after he'd been expelled from the group he'd used to be affiliated to. They didn't have the mercy to at least let him keep his own knife and gun.

When they had decided to cast him out of the group, he was devastated, desperate and didn't have a clue where to go now, how to survive.

He'd have three hours to get all his stuff, which was too much as he didn't really have anything, but way too less to calm down, stop overreacting and to get his mind clear, able to think about a plan.

He had wanted to scream, punch a wall to let out his frustration and anger, hating himself for how dumb and naive he'd been. He could have cried, wanted to, but his mind didn't let him, still overwhelmed with shock at the sudden expulsion.

Castiel had been lucky to have his brothers. Lucifer, the oldest one of them who had reached out to him, trying to calm him down, and Gabriel who then told his little brother what to do.

It wasn't much they could really do for him, but at least Gabriel knew a way to help out, giving him a name and a location to approach. A single name to hold onto in his despair and distress.

Dean Winchester, he'd understand, he'd help and he'd make everything alright again. Gabriel said he'd understand, he wouldn't care why Castiel had been sent away. Gabriel had assured more than once Dean would understand, so many times that the sentence was stuck in his head, and yet Castiel didn't really believe it.

"Dean Winchester will understand, Cassie, Dean will understand, go to him, talk to him, he will help." Castiel echoed absentmindedly, only a whisper, trying to convince himself those words were true, Gabriel hadn't overstated. "You can trust Dean."

It sounded so unreal to trust a total stranger in a world like this, in a situation like this, even though his brother apparently knew him, was sure this man could be trusted.

He'd never been too credulous, never just believed in everyone's word and claims, but he felt he'd gotten way more wary of just about everything during the last five years, the disastrous life after the war.

Castiel couldn't help but waste a second thought, pay more attention to each word someone said, even if it was his own brother. Part of him hated it, hated what war and life afterwards had changed in him, he wasn't the person he'd been before. Nothing remained how it used to be.

"You may not be perfect, and you know what I mean, but don't you change, little brother." he silently repeated after Lucifer, the words he had sent him off with, muttered into his ear as he'd hugged him. "Don't you dare to have changed the next time we see you."

Castiel shook his head, his lips the shadow of a soft smile. Lucifer had been a little optimistic in his opinion, they'd probably never meet again, yet he appreciated the way his brother attempted to cheer him up.

The sendoff hadn't been dramatic, everyone had tried to keep a straight face no matter how they thought about Castiel leaving, being thrown out, and he was glad. He didn't like farewells, sad ones above all.

There was no need to point out he and his brothers couldn't stand the thought of separation, especially in this kind of world, when there was only a small chance to see each other ever again.

Nonetheless, when they suggested to leave the group as well, go with Castiel, he had declined. There was no way he could reconcile it with his conscience, causing danger to them, harm, maybe death.

He was better off alone, not having to worry about them, than to have them on his side, each second and step afraid something may happen.

Castiel, to some extent, was surprised he'd made it this far. Part of his mind thought he would be robbed and killed on his way long before he was even close. He didn't carry anything precious with him, no food, no weapons, no alcohol, but most raiders didn't care, they'd take whatever they could find, including his life.

He hadn't met anyone, much to his surprise, not even a loner like him passing through to find another group, a shelter or something to eat. Luckily, he must've been in the right places at the right time, never crossing path with members of any group going for a hunt.

Though he might have enjoyed meeting peaceful, nice people to have a talk to or maybe share a meal with, it probably was better this way. His loneliness was just a comparatively small sacrifice in order to survive.

Knowing this may change soon, having walked around the lake by now and further into the forest, he felt like he was going to cry from joy as soon as he'd found what he had been looking for.

Gabriel had described the settlement where Dean Winchester was to be found as a pretty nice place, no racism, no religious fanaticism, neither warmongering nor pacifistic. It was everything you could wish for in times like this, finding a group which didn't discriminate on specific things was rare.

Castiel could now just hope the smoke came from said settlement, after all his brother told him it was near this lake, just a walk of ten minutes or less if you were fast. Spotting the smoke was a piece of good fortune, otherwise he'd have to search the woods all around the lake. It would've taken hours.

His mind and soul could need more of this, more luck from now on, he'd been devastated and downcast ever since he had to leave.

The good part was he could start new, he was given the opportunity to start all over again, new place, new friends, new life. He had learned a lot in these past five years, he'd made a lot of mistakes, failed more often than he could count, but all of this wasn't important anymore, nobody would know. And he could start all over using the knowledge and experience he'd gathered, make a better impression.

The settlement wasn't exactly like he'd imagined. There were walls made from logs, huge, more than twelve feet high, a lot more impressive than what he had expected. It seemed they hadn't used just one row of logs but two, already giving a much safer feeling than the one back at his old settlement.

From where he was standing, hidden behind a tree in order to check if it was safe, if this really was the place he'd been trying to find, he could see people, heads towering above the logs. Supposedly guards, armed.

Castiel didn't think they'd just shoot right away when he came into their field of vision, but he'd have to be mindful, surrendering if it came down to them seeing him as threat.

He decided on giving it a try, hands raised above his head to make his intentions clear, showing them he didn't want to cause any harm.

His gaze locked to the closest of the guards, waiting for the man to notice him, which didn't take too long after he'd walked onto the clearing, out of the shadows of the trees.

The man pointed his gun at the stranger, squinting his eyes for a second as he searched his figure for weapons, giving the raised arms a quick look.

"Stop right there!" he shouted, Castiel immediately halting, eyeing the other guards who paid attention to him. "What do you want!?"

Castiel cleared his throat, restraining himself from letting his arms drop to his sides again, ignoring the exhaustion from the past few days in his bones and muscles.

"I need to talk to Dean Winchester!" he yelled back, throaty voice as he hadn't really spoken a proper sentence for a long time, fearing his voice might break.

He could see the guard's faces light up ever so slightly, some looking at each other before one disappeared, tapping and squeaking sounds coming from a wooden staircase inside.

Something in Castiel's chest fell and he exhaled, eyes closing, relieved the name seemed to be known, quite well-known to be exact. He had found the right place and the guy his brother had told him about.

All the tenseness disappeared, all the doubts and sorrow, leaving him only the urge to lay down to sleep, rest until his body had fully recovered.

Half his mind paid attention to the dull voices inside, now getting more and louder, excited, probably because there was something going on, a stranger in front of their settlement.

It didn't take long for the guard to return, actually Castiel had expected to wait much longer, maybe a couple minutes until something happened, but he was surprised. It wasn't even two minutes.

With the guard came another man, taller and less armed, just a plain gray shirt without sleeves at all, a necklace pending down his chest as he leaned onto the logs, supported by his underarms.

His face turned into a questioning frown, remaining resolutely silent as he stared down at the stranger, working jaw as he examined his figure, waiting.

He was handsome, stunning and so unfairly handsome, Castiel couldn't find a better fitting word than unfair.

"Dean Winchester?" he asked, heart racing at the man looking down at him so blank and unimpressed that he thought he might get sent off again. The answer was just a small bob of his head, yet it was enough.

"Gabriel told me I'd find you here. Gabriel Novak." he then continued, having to clear his throat another time as he felt his voice break again, still not quite ready to be used. "He's my brother."

Dean didn't bat an eyelid and there was no movement from his side, glancing at Castiel as if he was thinking, until he shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know the guy."

Castiel's lips parted in disbelief, wanting to say something but failing to figure out what words to use, what to say. A small doubt came to his mind, bugging him, leaving him wondering if Gabriel had lied or made a mistake.

As much as he wanted to think this was a misunderstanding, he couldn't believe Gabriel would have made such a huge mistake. No, not if his little brother's life was on stake, not if it meant he could lose him.

"Can't be. He told me to find you, Dean Winchester. He said you knew him and you would help." Castiel retorted, struggling to sound strong and persuasive, no matter his doubts and failing voice. "I think he mentioned you owed him a favor."

Dean narrowed his eyes and focused more on the stranger, seemingly more interested now, watching as he slowly lowered his arms without interrupting.

"I may or may not owe a guy named Gabriel." he glared, wary but somehow not hostile at all. "What's your name, Luci or Cassie?"

"Actually, Castiel, but I guess he just always mentions me as Cassie." he responded, calming down a bit as he was now aware what was going on. Dean didn't want to mess with him, he wanted to make sure this wasn't a trap, make sure Castiel was who he claimed to be.

"Okay, Cassie," he said, slight amusement in his voice, teasing. "you don't look like a Cassie, but I get you're not lying."

With this sound to his voice and a neutral face, open and honest, he seemed more affable and not so much like the suspicious guy irritated by everything. It was a facade to intimidate people who didn't have good intentions.

Castiel had seen this multiple times before, it was especially common with leaders or important people in groups, a character trait coming from either being important or it was what made you important.

"So, you're the favor I owe Gabriel." he sneered, a crooked smile on his lips, casually giving a signal to someone inside the settlement. "Go left, I'm letting you in."

Dean took a step back, watching as Castiel followed orders, before he turned around, disappeared behind the logs and hurried down.

Castiel felt relief and tiredness as he walked along the wall, his mind calming down from all the stress, the concern and anxiety he'd experienced, finally able to relax as he knew it was over.

He hadn't given up, he'd continued grinding until he had reached his goal, more than once he'd thought he wasn't able to do it.

Though he wouldn't have been able to do it in the first place if Gabriel hadn't sent him here. A simple thank you wasn't enough, Gabriel deserved all the gratefulness he could give.

There was a warm feeling in Castiel's stomach as he stepped into the settlement, gate open for him, Dean Winchester waited on the other side, arms crossed in front of his chest, yet pulling up the corner of his mouth, welcoming him with a grin.

Dean was wearing Jeans, the faded blue and torn fabric made it look old, worn out, yet it somehow fit him. He didn't seem to care too much about how his clothes looked, in marked contrast to his face, but not minding the stubble.

From up close he was even more handsome, making Castiel stare at him for a moment, stunned by his green eyes. He was surprised how tall Dean was, it didn't happen that often that he had to look up at someone like this.

Dean put a hand on his back, shoving him forward as he walked next to him, still not letting go of him in order to lead him, bring him where he wanted him to be.

"Guess we gotta have a talk." Dean stated, thoughtfully watching Castiel whose eyes wandered, big and amazed at everything inside the settlement, all the humans, the small shacks, buildings, even a field for growing crops.

It was a lot bigger, way more room to move than where he'd been before, they had actual shacks instead of tents, everything was quite overwhelming, exciting in a way. Dean noticed this little spark in the man's blue eyes, making him chuckle at how taken aback he seemed.

"Did you hear me? Gotta talk." he repeated, nudging him to get his attention. Castiel turned to look at him and nodded, still staggered, trying to comprehend everything at once.

"You'll get used to it." he mentioned, having a look around himself, reminiscing. "Or I'd guess, I mean I wouldn't know. I was here when there was nothing, just trees, time passed and all this happened."

"You helped building it?" Castiel asked, eyeing the wall of logs and the scaffolding, carrying guards and weapons.

"Well, yeah kind of. The construction plans weren't mine, but guess who cut down the trees." he huffed, furrowing his brows thinking of all the work. "It's been five years and people helped though."

"I suppose it isn't finished yet." Castiel noted, nodding towards a pile of logs in the middle of the settlement, at least as far as he could see, eyeing the wall at the other end

"We're constantly adding stuff, more shacks for example." Dean confirmed and reached out, shoving Castiel to the right, facing one of the shacks where they were heading to. "This one belongs to me and my brother."

Without another word, Dean pushed the door open and walked in, waiting for Castiel to follow, shy and unsure if he could just enter like this.

Inside wasn't much light, the windows weren't exactly big to begin with, but he'd expected it to be a little brighter to say the least. He could easily see though, he could make out a table with some chairs, plain but functional, two doors at the other side of the room and a cabinet.

Nothing too complicated, just a small shack with everything you needed in order to feel well, but Castiel didn't have much time to look around further, so he couldn't make out smaller details, personalized things like maybe photos or books.

"So, Castiel, you're the queer one, right?" Dean mentioned incidentally, walking past him to lean against the table, arms crossed, glancing at him. Castiel tensed up, eyes widening in shock at the modest remark, perplexed. "Now, after war and everything, you still a fag?"

Castiel inhaled, about to say something but just stood there, appalled and speechless. He didn't dare to look at Dean, gaze stuck somewhere between his head and the window, trying to think clear.

Gabriel had told him Dean would understand, but this was ridiculous. He knew, and on top of that he'd called him a faggot. Even if he had let Castiel into the settlement no matter the fact he was homosexual, even if he didn't intent on throwing him out, he wasn't here to get offended like that.

"I... I think I should go." he stuttered, awkwardly drawing his brows together, slowly processing the whole situation, before he made an effort to turn around, get out again. He stopped in his motion, squinting his eyes at Dean. "You know, you shouldn't have let me in just for acting like this afterwards."

"What? Did I do something wrong?" he hurried, sudden surprise and perplexity reflecting in his expression, properly standing again. Castiel tilted his head, seriously puzzled as to what was happening, trying to comprehend.

"Winchester, if you're gonna keep taunting me because I swing the other way, I might as well leave." he claimed but still didn't move, too curious to see what he was going to do, watching the man's face lighten up after a moment, lips forming a circle as he caught on.

"Oh. No, you misunderstood." he asserted, lifting a hand, palm facing Castiel in a calming, pacifying manner. "I thought Gabriel had told you. I'm a fag."

Dean shook his head, facing the floor and closing his eyes as a silent chuckle escaped his lips, trying to keep his composure. "Wow, haven't come out like this for five years. This is weird."

Castiel stared, wary and unsure if he was being messed around with, meeting gaze with Dean when he looked up, honest eyes and face enlightened by a crooked smile. "I didn't mean to offend you or something, I wanted to find out whether you're still queer or not."

There was a moment of silence, Dean waiting for an answer or something alike, Castiel too overwhelmed to give him one. His mind didn't know anymore what to think, he hadn't slept properly for days, he was exhausted and done for, and now this.

"Not gonna lie, Castiel, I fell for you the moment I saw you." he remarked, leaning against the table again with a lopsided sneer, winking at Castiel who frowned. "Didn't seem like it." he snorted, crossing his arms in front of his chest, reproachfully.

"Just 'cause you look like you do doesn't mean I'll be blind and let my guard down." Dean grumbled, narrowing his eyes. "You're not the first good looking guy standing in front of the settlement. Don't be haughty."

Castiel flinched, biting his lip as he nodded in consternation, wondering why he'd acted this way, no matter how offended he was, this wasn't like him. He looked up to Dean, apology in his eyes, wanting to start over again without having this conversation.

"Well, that was a shot in the dark." Dean sighed, exhaling as he relaxed. "Gabriel could've told you. But I guess this moron wanted me to get into this kind of situation."

"He's always been a jokester." Castiel added, looking to the ground with drawn up brows, thinking of all the times his brother had brought him into unpleasant and nasty situations just for fun.

"Yeah, didn't meet him that often, but he knew how humans worked. Knew how to let you walk right into a trap." he said, giving an amused nod and watched Castiel, absentmindedly. "He did love you, you know. Bet he still does."

"Wouldn't have guessed he talked about me to strangers." Castiel mumbled, shooting a glance at Dean, half delighted his brother cared so much about him, half stressed out he just told strangers about his sexuality. But then again, Gabriel never really minced words, he could've expected him to be open about this.

Dean shrugged his shoulders, not mentioning how Gabriel had only really started to talk about his brother after he'd found out Dean was homosexual. It presumably wasn't even intended as Gabriel was never bothered about either of them being gay.

He'd known it wasn't something out of the ordinary, there were a lot of people like this, and he was one of the few who weren't convinced homosexuality was a disease, something disgusting. And Dean had appreciated it.

"Kinda wish he'd introduced me to you before all this happened." Dean muttered and sighed, pulling a chair close to sit on. "It's more complicated now, with all the fucking homophobia."

"Winchester, you don't really think I'm interested?" Castiel grunted, frowning at the man strangely gazing up to him, curious.

"You are. I'm not stupid, I notice the way you look at me." he sneered, cracking a wolfish smile and made Castiel roll his eyes at his self-confidence. He wasn't mistaken though.

"Don't get me wrong, but I was just sent to hell for being gay, by the people I thought of as my friends. They threw me out of the settlement, my home." he uttered bluntly, coldly glaring. "I think it is obvious why I am not going to engage in a relationship with you, or any other man."

"That's why you're here? And what now, you just wanna stay alone forever?" Dean noted, drawing up a brow to give a an unimpressed, disbelieving look, not convinced Castiel would really do as he claimed.

Maybe not today, and maybe not in a month, but he wouldn't refuse any relationship forever, humans had needs, desires, urges, the wish to find a single partner to spend the rest of their life with.

Castiel couldn't run away from his needs, his very instincts forever, and he should know that, especially being a homosexual.

He must've experienced it too, the uncertainty, worries, the sensation of just not swinging the right way, the normal way, as everybody and the media told him. And he knew he wasn't normal, but there was no way he could resist it.

In Dean's opinion, everybody had been there, questioning their sexuality at some point. Yet not everyone who noticed they were actually swinging the other way could embrace it, wanted to accept who they were.

Part of society told them it was weird, disgusting, a disease, so acknowledging and appreciating their own homosexuality could be hard, impossible for some.

But they could never resist, and Dean wasn't different. He had tried, he hadn't been able to confess it to himself for a long time, he'd told himself it was a phase. But no matter how convinced he thought he was, every time he'd seen a handsome guy, he couldn't resist to stare, couldn't help but look after him, eyes examining his face, his body.

He wasn't sure if he remembered correctly, but he must've been 16 at the time. No matter how hard he'd tried, he just couldn't stop admiring men, not then and certainly not now. The difference was, he'd came to terms with it by now, he embraced it and he willingly checked out other guys.

Castiel certainly was okay with his sexuality, at least in his mind, otherwise he wouldn't be able to talk that calmly about this matter, without freaking out, yelling or leaving.

It was understandable he feared another expulsion, he'd obviously just experienced one, but he couldn't deny who he was, what he felt, not forever.

"You're gonna break yourself." Dean blurted out as he didn't receive a reply, Castiel just silently staring at him, working jaw and visibly annoyed. "You know what, take your time. Settle down, get to know everything, acclimate yourself, and we'll see then."

Castiel breathed out, dragging his fingers through the black, messy hair, noticing the dirt which clung to some strands, nodding in agreement.

"Don't get your hopes up too much, though." he muttered, casually wiping the dust from his hair on his pants as he thought they were dirty anyways. He needed to change, wash his clothes and take a bath, just to feel better.

"I'll get you a bed in one of the shacks and make sure you've got what you need, clothes and something to eat." Dean mentioned, getting on his feet before shoving Castiel to where he'd been sitting. "Wait here, I need to talk to some people, could take a few minutes."

Castiel waited for the man to leave the room, closing the door behind him, until he found the courage to risk a look around. For some reason he didn't want Dean to think he was prying around, invading his privacy.

He noticed some pictures, mostly photos of people, loosely hung up on the wall without a frame, just the photo paper. There was no need for a frame.

From where he was, he could recognize Dean in a few of them, sometimes together with another guy, most likely the brother he'd mentioned. He noticed there was a blonde woman in some of the photos and Castiel wasn't sure whether the kid beneath her was Dean when he had been young, but it seemed like it.

Another one gaining his attention was a much younger Dean, maybe ten years old, towering on top of a rusty old car, arms high above his head and smiling towards the person behind the camera. Something about this picture made him happy, a warm sensation welling up in his stomach.

Maybe it was the broad smile, Dean's cheerful expression, showing what Castiel hadn't seen of him yet, the other side of Dean Winchester, not the more serious one with his wolfish grin, almost leering.

Given that this side of him still existed, he wanted to see it. A lot had changed, Dean had grown up and he may not be as innocent and cheerful as he'd been when the picture was taken, but Castiel felt like he wanted to do anything to see it.

The door opened and Castiel turned, pretending he hadn't been looking at the photos at all, eyeing the man who wasn't Dean and stared at him perplexed. He frowned, big eyes locked on Castiel, visibly surprised.

"I didn't- I was just waiting here." Castiel stammered, standing up from the chair and held his hands before him, calming. "I am waiting for Dean. You're his brother, I suppose?"

The man squinted his eyes, relaxed his muscles a bit as he reached out to close the door again, always keeping sight of the stranger.

"Right." he said, slowly and wary, eyeing him suspiciously from head to toe. He didn't seem to think Castiel would attack him, yet he was cautious. "You're his... what? His recent lover?"

"I'm Castiel Novak, I just came here and your brother is getting me a place to sleep right now." he explained, dropping his hands to his sides again, nervously burying one of them in his pocket. The man's face lightened up, nodding thoughtfully, somewhat apologizing.

"Novak? Do you have a brother named Gabriel?" he asked, expression now more open and less suspicious. "And I'm sorry, it's the first time Dean let someone in here. It was a joke."

"No need to hide, I know, but still I'm not his lover." Castiel retorted, trying to reassure him after he'd thought he had just exposed his brother's secret. "And yes, Gabriel is my brother."

"I see, nice to meet you." he sighed in relieve, brushing a strand of hair out of his face, giving a small smile. "By the way, I'm Sam."

Castiel bobbed his head, gaze wandering off to look out of the window, having spotted Dean out there, apparently on his way back. It had not taken him long, not as long as he'd thought.

"Damn easy thing. Got you a bed." Dean uttered as he entered, stopping when he noticed Sam, drawing his brows up before he smiled, going in for a hug. "Back already? Glad you're safe and sound."

Turning to Castiel, he nodded towards the door, symbolizing him to follow and patted his brother on the shoulder before he lead Castiel out.

"So you met my brother." he stated the obvious and looked at Castiel out of the corner of his eye, biting down on his lip. "He was out there hunting, I didn't expect him to be home by now, I'm sorry he ran into you like this."

"It's fine, he was nice to me." Castiel shrugged his shoulders, brushing away whatever Dean was concerned about.

"Yeah, he's always like that, I guess. Always tried to keep me on the right track." Dean chuckled, huffing at the sudden picture of a scolding Sam building in his mind. "See where that got me."

"You're the leader here, right? I don't see why that's a bad thing." Castiel wondered, giving the man a confused expression.

"Not quite, third in command, actually." he corrected and sighed, long and stressed out. "Sounds like having a fucking blast, but it's just a shitload of work to do."

"Comes with responsibility and importance, Winchester. Snap out of it." Castiel annotated in a matter-of-fact manner, making Dean huff at his impudence.

"Dude, would you stop calling me that? I've got a first name." he grunted, nudging him. "Don't know about the settlement you were before, but we aren't polite here. We can swear, we can make rude jokes, we don't call each other by the last name. 'Son of a bitch' is my catchphrase."

Castiel narrowed his eyes in perplexity, surprised about how loose the rules here were, not used to it from his previous settlement. He also would've expected them to introduce him to the leaders and members of the group, but apparently this wasn't provided in the rules either.

Instead, Dean brought him to a shack without telling anyone they met on their way about Castiel, who wasn't sure if he felt comfortable with that. He already was new and now he'd have to live his life here without knowing anyone other than Dean and Sam, having met the latter just very briefly.

The shack was just like the one the brothers shared, apart from the lack of personal things, which probably wouldn't change that much. Castiel didn't have anything except for a single photo showing him, Gabriel and Lucifer.

Well, there was his trench coat still stored in his back pack, the one he'd always had ever since he could remember, but it wasn't that decorative. Someone had given it to him when he'd been a kid, someone from his family, maybe a grandparent. His brothers had kept it safe until he was big enough to fit in, and he treasured it.

"You go take a shower, I'll obtain some clothes somewhere to provide you." Dean informed him, pointing at a door on the other side of the room and wanted to turn around but was cut off by Castiel before he could.

"You've got showers here?" he asked, visibly surprised and with disbelief in his voice, tilting his head. "How did you manage that?"

"Don't ask me about that kinda stuff, I know how to fix your car, not your shower." Dean frowned and raised his hands defensively. "Also the water's not that warm when it's cold outside, but it's something."

Castiel gave a nod, waited for Dean to go and then let his back pack slide off his shoulders, carelessly putting it on the ground, leaned against the table leg.

Cold water wasn't something to bug him, after all he'd been using the one they found in the nature all these years, buckets of water to wash themselves or just taking a bath in the river, which wasn't exactly warm.

So hearing they had actual showers inside their shacks with actual lukewarm water was more than just a pleasant surprise.

The room with the shower inside wasn't big, he could easily touch the walls on both sides if he wanted to, but that didn't matter. It had a shower and a towel, more than he had expected there to be when he arrived.

Castiel spotted a small sink and a cracked mirror above, walking over to take a look at himself, flinching when he saw how brown his skin looked from all the dirt and dust, his hair a total mess and his stubble longer than he wanted it to be, almost a beard. He didn't see how Dean could've fallen for him just because of his looks.

Just his eyes stood out, light blue stressed from the darker color of his skin, making them look way brighter than he remembered them to be.

Sighing, he took his shirt off, regarding the paler skin underneath, protected from the sun and dust, before he got out of his shoes and pants.

The shower was just a cut off section of the room, a curtain to keep the water in and a shower head with a simple handle, but Castiel had nothing to complain about.

He didn't even care that the water was bloody cold the first two minutes, just enjoying it to be able to take a shower again, after five years of washing with buckets.

When the warm water came he didn't know if it just felt like it because he was too used to cold water, but it seemed hot, not anything close to lukewarm.

Castiel closed his eyes and exhaled deeply as he felt his muscles relax, the warm water seemingly washing all the exhaustion and tiredness away, giving him back some of his old strength.

He hadn't felt like this in a long time and he'd never want to get out again if he could, staying in here forever. Yet he had to and no matter how much the water helped his drained body, his bones were still heavy, screaming for rest.

Castiel wavered, taking the piece of soap he'd found in the corner of the shower, contemplating whether to stay a few minutes longer or get out, grant his body its well-deserved rest, his brain a little sleep.

He wasn't only physically done for, but also mentally, worn out by walking and barely sleeping for days, always fearing his next step may be his last one.

He missed his brothers dearly, he even missed the people back at the settlement, no matter the fact they sent him away. Rules were rules, and he broke them. Castiel had known from the beginning they wouldn't allow homosexuals, but that rule seemed dumb at the time. He underestimated how consequential they were, it was his fault.

After he'd washed his hair using the soap, slightly smelling like watermelon, he got out, quickly wrapping the towel around his body, drying himself off a little.

Castiel ignored his clothes scattered on the floor, peeking out of the bathroom before walking out. He didn't want anybody to stand there, confronted with a stranger only wearing a towel on his hips.

When he wanted to go pick up his back pack, he found clothes placed on the table, fresh and clean. Dean must have brought them when he had showered, just like he'd promised, but part of Castiel had expected him to wait until he was finished instead of leaving.

Exhaling, he looked through the clothes, picking some sweatpants and a plain shirt, something comfortable to sleep in. There were jeans, pullovers and more shirts, even a leather jacket, anything he'd need, but these were for later.

The room behind the door where he estimated the bedroom to be located turned out to have two beds in it, or rather two mattresses, presumably made from straw or hay.

Each in one corner of the room, which wasn't big enough to fit much more mattresses in it, maybe just one in between the other two.

Castiel put on the shirt and got into the sweatpants, not having to care if he was being seen as the windows were covered with curtains, dark enough to hide everything.

As he chose one of the mattresses, randomly without any reason sitting down on it, he contemplated if it was an option to make his brothers join him, come to this settlement in order to be with him again.

It wasn't, he'd declined when they proposed to accompany him for a good reason, and now he wouldn't take the risk just because he thought this settlement was better than the old one.

Missing them but knowing they were safe and sound was way better than being the cause of their death, just because he'd thought they'd live a better life in another place.

It wouldn't be easy, it would cause him a lot of anguish to be separated from them, maybe forever, but it was better this way, safer.

Castiel laid down and shifted, trying to find a comfortable position, easily finding it because he felt like his body would be able to sleep in any given circumstance right now.

His eyes felt heavy and he closed them, savoring the moment he finally could just lie there, rest and forget everything. There wasn't any danger, there were no raiders wanting to kill him in his sleep, nothing to cause him harm. He could just relax, sleep as long as he wanted to.

It wasn't long until he felt his mind drift into sleep, longing for rest, happy it was all over now. He couldn't remember the last time he wanted to sleep so bad, and he savored every second.

Gabriel had been right, Dean Winchester could be trusted, and it had been a good idea to give it a try, dare to believe in a total stranger just this one time.

Dean Winchester will understand, he will help. You can trust Dean.