I wake up feeling pretty good, I'm completely bold now, but I wear Leo's beanies all the time and Kara gave me her eyebrow pencil so I don't look like an 'alien' as she so kindly put it. I've had 2 rounds of chemo now, this time around I haven't slept as much but I've puked a lot and passed out from walking too much. I haven't spoken to Jamie in quite a while, I walked past her room yesterday and saw a complete version of the painting I saw a few weeks back. She painted me, it's a beautiful painting. It doesn't make me uncomfortable, it just makes me feel for her. I want us to be friends. I get out of bed and get dressed. I walk to her room, she's personalised it a lot more now, making mine and Kara's room seem bland.
"Hey. Can I come in?"
"Sure." She's hidden the painting of me away.
"How've you been?" I sit on her couch.
"I've been pretty good, Dr. Williams says I can go home soon."
"That's awesome, so you feel pretty good then?"
"I wouldn't say good, just not as bad as when I got here, which is a big improvement. So how are you?"
"Yeah I'm doing well I think, I feel okay, as okay as I can be." She smiles and sits on her bed, she fiddles with her sleeves the way I used to. "I just wanted to say sorry, for being so pushy before."
"Oh, it's fine. I was just struggling a lot and I took it out on you."
"Are you? Um-" I don't really want to say it.
"Over you? I don't know. I think my heads a bit of a mess right now and I don't know what I feel."
"I understand. I really want us to be friends."
"I want to be friends too, but," She sighs heavily, "I just don't think I can. I spent most of middle school being secretly in love with my best friend and she had no idea, it killed me, it contributed a lot to my issues. I just don't want to be like that again." I feel sad that she feels like this, but I get it. I mean I can't completely because I've never felt like I had to hide my feelings for someone, but I can imagine how hard it must be to feel completely alone.
"Okay. Sure, I get it. Well, I hope you get out soon and you're happy and healthy, and I hope you do well for yourself." I smile and get up.
"Thank you, Alice. I'll see you around." She tears up. I walk out straight away to give her privacy. When I get out into the hall, I hear her start to cry. I wish I could just fix it.
I go straight to Leo's room, I don't tell him about it, I don't think Jamie would want me to. He's still sleeping so I climb in next to him unsuccessfully trying not to wake him.
"Sorry, I just wanted hugs." I expect him to put his arm around me like he usually does but instead he cuddles into me and my arm is around him. "Are you alright?" I stroke his face.
"Yeah, I just had a bad dream."
"Tell me."
"I don't think I-"
"Leo, come on."
"Okay, uh," He sits up a little bit, "We were in your room and you weren't doing so good. I could feel your hand on mine but it was like you couldn't feel me, like you were slipping away, and then, uh, then you did slip away."
"I'm not going anywhere." I squeeze him, he sniffles.
"You better not." He holds me tight and cries a little. The last time he cried about me he was watching me being wheeled away when my kidney failed. "You know that saying? If you love someone let them go. I love you too much to let you go."
"I love you more." I pick up his chin and kiss him. "You won't ever have to let me go. I won't let that happen." I'm more determined than ever to get through this, I can't break his heart, not again.
Leo perks up after a while and we walk hand in hand to get the others and go hang out on the roof, we're supposed to banned from there but no one ever locks it. We all sit and just hangout, updating each other on our lives even though we're all there for anything big that happens in one of our lives.
"I talked to Jamie, I thought maybe we could be friends but she's not ready for that." I tell everyone.
"So she still likes you?" Jordi asks and I nod.
"Okay no offence Alice but I don't get it, I'm the hot piece around here." Kara complains.
"Some people like others for more than how they look, it's about who you are." Leo smiles at me as he says it. "I was lucky enough to get someone who's beautiful inside and out." We make out a little, receiving gag sounds from the rest of the gang.
"Did you find out if she likes guys too?" Dash asks.
"No, sorry Dash. But even if she did I don't think you should go there, she's in a weird place still and a relationship would make it complicated."
"You got into a relationship when you were in a weird place."
"Yeah but it's different."
"How is it different?"
"Leo actually liked me back." He goes silent.
"Good thing we're in a hospital cuz you just got burned." Leo says.
"I guess you got a point there. Whatever man, I still got a chance."
"She's getting out soon, I think your chance is slipping away."
Emma changes the subject and we sit and talk for a while, there really isn't that much to talk about. I start to feel a little sick so I leave Leo up there with the others and go back to my room to lie down. I was just about to drop off to sleep when I hear a croaky old ladies voice shouting out in the hall.
"Where is she? Where's my granddaughter? Adam are you here?" I look out and see an eccentrically dressed woman in her seventies. She has red hair.
"Mom, what are you doing here?" I see my dad run up to her, trying to block her view from me. That's my grandma?
"Your father called, you have a kid?" His father, he told me his father died. She sounds angry.
"I don't think we should have this conversation here." She pushes past him.
"That's her isn't it?" She stands a few metres away from my door. "Oh my God, she has your eyes." She comes into my room and stares at me, I just sit in shock.
"I'm sorry Alice, I didn't know she was coming." Dad walks in after her.
"She's gorgeous Adam, why would you keep her secret?" She comes over to me and puts her hands on my face. I immediatley feel the connection, I burst into tears and wrap my arms around her. She hugs me back. "Oh honey, I got you." She pulls away to look at me again. "Adam, how could you keep her from her family? After she's going through. Are you alright?" I nod.
"I wasn't doing it on purpose, I only met her a few months ago mom."
"You told me your dad died." I say to him.
"What a horrible thing to say." She turns to him with disgust on her face.
"I only said that because I didn't want him having anything to do you." He sits next to me.
"You could have just told me, I'm not a little kid. Why don't you want me to know him?"
"He had a few problems when Adam was a child."
"He was an alcoholic mom, he still is."
"Let's not talk about him. I want to hear all about you, sweetie." She takes my hands. "I'm so sorry about your mother and everything that's happened to you, if I had you I would have taken care of you. What does she have Adam?"
"I came in because I tried to kill myself, my kidney failed then I got a new one and then I got Kaposi's Sarcoma." I say bluntly, I don't want anymore lies. She hugs me again.
"Mom, she needs rest can we talk about this outside?" Dad gets up. She nods and gets up to follow him.
"Wait," She turns around, "What do I call you?" I ask smiling.
"Call me Gram." She smiles back and leaves with dad. I lay down and watch them through the glass, I can hear them faintly.
"Why did you tell your dad and not me?"
"I didn't tell him, mom. He showed up at my house, he was wasted as per usual. He asked me why I wouldn't speak to him and I broke down okay. He said he'd seen me, he's visited the hospital, talked to a few people and found out about her. I made it clear to him that he has to stay away."
"17 years ago you had a child and you didn't come to me, why is that?"
"What would you have said mom? You wouldn't have supported her, you were off with Bryan in Hawaii, having the time of your life and you left me with dad. Is that good parenting?"
"Don't talk to me about good parenting, you left your daughter, not me."
"I was young, I didn't know any better because I didn't have a role model."
"So you're going to be her role model?" She folds her arms over her multicoloured dress.
"Yes, she has no one else. I want to look after her, she's moving in with me when she gets out of here." He walks away from her and back into my room.
"I'm sorry about all this. I should have been honest about my dad."
"But you weren't and it's over now. Don't push her away."
"Do you want her around?" He asks me in really serious tone.
"Yes. But I want you to tell me the truth from now on. No matter what it is. Please."
"Okay. I guess I should warn you, she has her opinions and if someone's aren't the same as hers she'll have a lot to say about it. And she likes to talk about herself a lot."
"Sounds like you, the opinions part. You can be stubborn."
"So can you." He kisses my head. "Get some sleep, you look tired."
"Okay dad." He smiles. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I don't think I've told you how much I love it when you say that, when you call me dad." He walks out. I close my eyes and fall asleep with a smile on my face. I may not have perfect health but I have a perfect dad and grandmother.