A Distant Summer's Scent
(Hatake Kakashi and Umino Iruka get assigned with a mission that takes them to the edge of the forest... and possibly further.)
It was seven in the morning when he stood up, got dressed and made himself a cup of coffee. Last night had been short, like most of the nights lately. It was getting harder for him to fall asleep with each day that passed. He couldn't go on like this. That was for sure.
Summer's almost gone, Hatake Kakashi thought, looking out his window, sipping his coffee. At first sight, the silver-haired young man looked confident and strong as always. He knew this, so he didn't worry that people might be able to tell something was troubling him lately. That's what he was counting on. He was the highest-ranking jounin [One of the ninja grades: Genin Low, Chuunin Middle, JouninHigh, SanninHighest (but only three ninja hold this grade (if it really is one), that's why it's called 'sannin' , meaning 'three people' in Konoha, the Hidden Village of the Leaf, and the last few weeks had been critical, with news of outbreaks of violence all around the borders of the Country of Fire. He was needed. There was no way he could give in to any kind of weakness at the moment. Get a grip on yourself, Kakashi.
He noticed a light breeze in the trees outside. Overall, the morning seemed peaceful. His gaze went from the tops of the trees over to the graveyard, just a few hundred meters away. If he had learned anything during his years as a shinobi [another word for ninja, he knew that peace couldn't be trusted. Too many people had been lost, even though times had seemed peaceful. Too many of those lost had left friends and family behind to mourn over them. An image came to his mind, a memory, of him and his best friend Obito when both were still young and Kakashi had just passed his jounin exam at age 16.
Back then it had been summer as well. Obito had come to his house in the morning, screaming loudly in front of his window, as soon as he had heard the news.
"Kakashi, is it true? You have passed the jounin exam?! Wake up already!! Wohoo!"
Kakashi opened the window and looked down at the quirky figure of his dark-haired friend who was beaming at him excitedly.
"Obito, it's 6:30 AM, stop screaming like that, for god's sake." The second he saw Obito's happy smile, though, he couldn't help but grin as well.
"Wait, I'll be down in a second."
Both boys would spend the morning of that day roaming around the woods, practicing jutsu [Ninja techniques and eating fish that they had caught in the nearby river. The time spent with Obito always felt very easy compared to the time Kakashi had to spend with other people. As he had been often praised as the most talented of his generation, much was expected of him, and people generally looked at him with a strange mixture of awe and respect—even fear.
With Obito, though, it was different. They had known each other since they were little kids, and Obito had always treated him as what he was: Kakashi, his childhood friend. Kakashi treasured this more than he could ever put into words.
After their lunch, both boys were lying in the grass on their backs, watching the clouds pass by and chewing on some wild blackberries they had found nearby. That was when Obito rolled over on his side, watching his friend intently, with a curious expression on his face.
"Say, Kakashi..."
"Hm?" Kakashi was watching the branches above him moving up and down in the wind. There was a magpie, returning to its nest, carrying some straw in its beak.
"How does it feel, being a jounin now?" Obito said in a hushed voice.
"What do you mean by that?" Kakashi turned his head to look at his friend. Obito seemed thoughtful now. Maybe even a little sad.
"I mean... It's just... We have always been in a team together, since elementary school. We became genin at the same time, and I became chuunin just a few months after you. But now..." Obito was pulling out grass in front of him, apparently at a loss for words. He sighed.
"You know, there's no way I could follow you to become a jounin any time soon. You've always been much more talented than I am. And now... I guess, since you're a jounin now, they will put you on another team... I just wondered, you know, how you felt about that."
Obito was still pulling grass out of the ground. He wasn't looking at Kakashi, but Kakashi was staring at him now.
He had thought about the fact that as soon as he became a jounin, he had to leave the team that he and Obito had been in since they were small. It had always given him a strange feeling inside, but he never allowed himself to let it sink in. After all, becoming a jounin and following his father's footsteps had been his goal since he was a child... Even more so since his father had died several years ago and he was the only one of his family left now.
"Obito... I don't know if you understand this... but I can't think about things like that. I have wanted to become a jounin for ages. It has always been my goal. It's not like I want to leave the team, but there's no way around..."
While he was saying this, Obito suddenly made a move towards him. He laid his left hand on Kakashi's chest and the other on Kakashi's cheek. There was a moment of silence. Then Obito kissed him.
Kakashi was taken by surprise. He had wanted to say something, but now he felt a strange sensation throughout his body, like electricity, a feeling that he had never felt before. Obito's skin smelled pleasant so close to his own, like earth and grass and summer all blended into one, and the touch of his lips was warm, soft, arousing... He could hear Obito breathing in and out through his nose, while his tongue kept caressing Kakashi's own, soft at first but then more demanding...
But wait... this wasn't... It was...
"Stop..." Kakashi said, under his breath, struggling to get out of the embrace, but Obito didn't give way.
"Stop it!" Kakashi screamed, and he pushed his friend away from him. He sat up, out of breath, watching Obito with a fierce expression in his eyes. Obito was holding one hand before his lips where Kakashi had hit him, panting.
Both kept staring at each other.
"What are you doing, Obito... This is... This is wrong. We can't do this... It's... disgusting."
Obito was still panting. His expression became angry.
"Oh yeah? It is? I don't think it is. I wanted to do this for a long time, and I know you don't think it's disgusting. I know that!"
"But it is..." Kakashi muttered, standing up. His heart was still beating rapidly, and he felt a little shaky. Obito jumped to his feet, confronting Kakashi.
"I could feel it. Stop lying to me, Kakashi. We've known each other since we were small. You cannot hide from me. Where are you going?"
Kakashi was picking up his jacket from the ground.
"I have to go home. There are things I need to do... I need to prepare for the ceremony tomorrow and..."
"Kakashi..." Obito said gently, now getting closer and laying a hand on Kakashi's shoulder, "...it's not wrong. Can't you see that? I mean, if both of us want it, it's not wrong... it never can be, do you understand?"
Kakashi stood there for a while. He didn't look Obito in the eyes. There was no way he could. It would have hurt if he did. More than anything else in the world.
"I can't, Obito...It's... I just can't."
Kakashi walked towards the path that lead back to Konoha. He heard Obito yell after him, but he didn't turn around. It was better not to turn around. His vision became blurry, but he didn't realize that it was because of the tears now filling his eyes. All he could think of was to go home now and prepare for the ceremony tomorrow. Everything else just faded to black.
The memory of that day always hit Kakashi hard. And it hit him more often lately, he thought, while looking over to the graveyard. Only few days after that day, Obito had died in an ambush on their last scheduled mission together. It was then that Kakashi had received his Sharingan [An eye with which certain ninja techniques can be used, a very powerful weapon eye from Obito, his memory that way forever carved into his body. He and Obito never talked about what happened by the river before Obito died, and the only thing Kakashi remembered now of their last minutes together was Obito looking at him, half of his face smeared with blood, muttering, and him holding his friend's hand, unable to say a word. All other memory of that last day was erased from his mind like it had been cut out with a knife. It was late summer back then, and it was late summer now. Maybe that was the reason why Kakashi was feeling so uneasy these days...
He took a look at his watch. It was 7:50 already. Time to head to Tsunade-sama's office, the Hokage's [Chief of the village, like a mayor headquarters, where he had been called in for a meeting at 8:00.
With a last glance outside, he put his empty coffee cup on the table in front of him and left his apartment.
---
"Come in!"
When he entered the office, Tsunade was sitting behind her desk and talking to someone who was standing with his back towards the door. Even from behind, Kakashi recognized the familiar figure immediately.
"Ah, Kakashi, there you are. We've been waiting for you already!"
"Good morning! And good morning Iruka-sensei, I didn't know you would be here as well."
The young man turned around and when their eyes met, Iruka smiled.
"Good morning, Kakashi-senpai. Ah, well yes, I was called here as well."
Umino Iruka was three years younger than Kakashi, and the main teacher for the young shinobi at the Konoha Academy. But beyond that, because he was a loyal and skilled young man, Tsunade had made him her councillor. Usually when it came to deciding which team to send out for a certain mission, it was Iruka who she trusted, as he knew all the teams in the village and had himself trained most of the younger ones.
There was hardly anyone in the village that didn't respect the young teacher for how he overcame the tragic death of his parents fourteen years ago. He was raised as an orphan, but still managed to become one of the most skilful shinobi in the village. Many people, Kakashi included, had often wondered why Iruka had decided against a high-class career as a shinobi and had become a teacher instead. It took guts to turn down various offers by the third Hokage (and now even Tsunade as the fifth Hokage) to become jounin and take up a higher position in her administrative staff. Yet Iruka had turned down all offers so far, stating that his wish was to remain a teacher and train the young shinobi.
Although they had never talked about it when they met in town or had dinner together with Naruto at the Ichiraku Ramen stand, Kakashi admired Iruka for this decision. He knew what a positive influence Iruka had had on Naruto, their fellow protégé, whom Iruka had partly raised as his own son and who was a member of Kakashi's team now. There was no doubt that without Iruka's guidance, Naruto would never have become the skilful shinobi he already was at this young age. Iruka himself had always been humble about his achievements, though. Much too humble, Kakashi thought. He deserved much more attention than he got for what he did.
"So, now that both of you are here, let me tell you why I called you." Tsunade said, and both men nodded.
"The Hidden Village of the Sand has asked us to lend one of our ancient scrolls to them for the opening ceremony of their new founded Academy, and since we've just re-established our diplomatic relations with them, I have agreed to do so. Now, as those ancient scrolls are the most treasured and valuable property of our village, we need two skilled and experienced shinobi to take the scrolls to the Village of Sand. I've decided on both of you. The reason why I decided to send you and not a whole team is simply that I don't want to draw any attention to it. So I need both of you to do it quickly and as inconspicuously as possible. Travelling to the Hidden Village of Sand takes two days usually, but I want the both of you to make it in one day and one night. Is that all right
"Well, if we only take a few rests and travel throughout the night, it's possible," Kakashi said.
He looked at Iruka, who nodded.
"Good, then that's decided. I need both of you to be at the entrance of the village at three this afternoon."
---
When Kakashi arrived at the village's entrance shortly before three, Iruka was already waiting there, checking his supplies and armament. Kakashi smiled. Iruka was always diligent and focussed. Kakashi liked that about the younger man.
"Yo!" he said, raising his hand to greet Iruka, who looked up and smiled his usual warm smile.
"Ah, Kakashi-senpai, I've been waiting already...err... Not that you're late or anything..."
"Very unusual, isn't it? Kakashi replied, and both men laughed. Kakashi was known for being tardy at times, but this time he had made sure he wasn't.
They had been standing there for a while, talking, when Tsunade arrived and handed over a scroll to them, carefully wrapped in linen, which Kakashi stored in his backpack.
"The Kazekage[Same as Hokage, name used only for the Village of Sand of the Village of Sand, Gaara, is expecting you by tomorrow morning. I wish you good luck, and be careful."
Both nodded and left for the path north, directing them towards the woods that led to the desert in which the Hidden Village of the Sand was located.
They travelled all day without any disturbances, and had already passed half of the distance when night arrived. They didn't talk much during the last hours, mainly to not attract any attention to them, but now that the moon was rising and it was getting a little colder, Kakashi stopped on a branch and jumped down from the tree into a clearing surrounded by old, thick trees. Iruka followed him down.
"I think we should take a break here, maybe for two hours. Eat a bit, and take a nap. At this rate we should reach the desert by tomorrow morning."
"Okay." Iruka said, and he put down his stuff on the ground.
They lit a small fire and had some food. During all of this, Kakashi noticed a strange expression on Iruka's face: he looked kind of thoughtful and distracted. They rarely had had deeper conversations before, because they mostly talked about work related things, which Kakashi felt was strange now that he thought about it. It was not that they didn't have enough opportunities to talk, but it seemed that neither of them were the kind to open up to others that easily. Kakashi was about to start a conversation by asking Iruka about his experiences with the youngest shinobi class in the Academy when Iruka suddenly looked at him.
"Um, Kakashi, can I ask you a question? It's something that's been on my mind, and I just... err, how to say it? I've wondered about this for a long time now..."
"Yes, of course you can. Go ahead." Kakashi was looking at the younger teacher calmly.
It was a warm night and the scent of magnolia flowers was filling the air. The wood in the fire made cracking noises at times, but apart from that, there was silence.
Iruka thought for a while, staring at the ground, before he posed his question.
"It might be a strange thing to ask you, since we have rarely talked about such things before, but... I wondered whether you have ever considered getting married? Don't get me wrong, I mean, if this question is too personal I totally understand if you don't want to answer it, but I..."
"Have you been talking to Naruto?" Kakashi asked, poking the embers of the fire with a branch. Naruto had been questioning him about the same thing just a few days earlier. Why was it that suddenly everyone was so interested in his private life?
Iruka looked at Kakashi, slightly bewildered.
"Naruto? No. I haven't been talking to Naruto about this. It's just... It's more because of me. I mean, when you reach a certain age, you start to think about things like this, and it's just... I mean... it's difficult..."
Kakashi smiled.
"So... is there anyone you want to marry? A girlfriend?"
Iruka's face turned red as he stared into the fire. Then, after a while, he shook his head.
"No, there is no one... I guess it's a little more difficult than that... Hm, just forget it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."
Iruka placed his head on his knees, looking gloomy. Kakashi noticed that the younger man was shivering slightly... Or so it seemed. Since it wasn't cold, and they were sitting by the fire, it struck him as odd.
First Naruto, now Iruka... It was strange how he was forced to think about such things lately—love, relationships, marriage. No wonder he was feeling restless, insomniac... He didn't like to get into these matters too deeply. Nothing good came from it. Sadness and old recurring memories, that was all.
Still, he cared about Iruka. It was obvious the younger teacher was troubled by something, and maybe talking about it would help him. Kakashi wasn't feeling sleepy anyway.
"Iruka..."
"Hm?"
"Why don't you just tell me what's wrong? I mean, I might not be the most inviting person when it comes to such things... But if you want to talk about it, whatever it is, well, I'd be hoping I could help you. I don't know if I can, but... At least I could try, you know?"
Hearing his words, Iruka seemed even more troubled now, and it looked like the younger man's hands were trembling.
"W-what... did I say? Did I say something wrong?" Kakashi looked at Iruka, astounded and a little helpless. "I... I didn't mean to..."
"I will never marry. I can't. God knows I've tried to fall in love with women, but I can't. I just can't..." Iruka was staring into the fire like before and his face had become stern and expressionless. His voice remained calm, though.
There was silence.
Kakashi's hand that had been holding the branch sank to the ground, and his heart started racing. He suddenly felt like he had been hit over the head. It was now that he understood what Iruka was getting at... And now he understood as well why of all people Iruka had chosen him to talk about it... It all made sense now... Perfect sense.
"You think I'm the same as you, don't you?" Kakashi asked after some time had passed.
He wasn't looking at Iruka, but stared into the dark of the forest. His voice didn't give away the fact that he was shaken. In all those years that he had tried to deny the fact that he'd never fall for a woman, but preferred men, he had learned how to build up a facade of cool. He was an experienced shinobi, on top of that. He knew how to hide his feelings. It was part of his job. Still... his heart was racing. It was beating fast and hard against his chest now.
"I always noticed how you were looking at me." Iruka said, now gazing at Kakashi through the flames that separated them. "I noticed you were looking at me in a different way than all the others. To be honest, it made me shiver at times. It was so intense, strong... and lonely. You have no idea how many times I wanted to just walk up to you and put my arms around you. It hurt me to see you looking at me like that. It really hurt so much. So yes, I think you are the same as me. No. I know you are the same as me."
The fire cracked again, and for a moment it looked as if Kakashi were about to say something. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out—no sound, no word, nothing. Instead he raised his hand and held the branch he was still holding into the flames. After a while it caught fire and was burning all over. Through the flames Iruka could see that Kakashi had tears in his eyes, but still he was saying nothing. He then threw the burning branch into the fire and looked at Iruka, a tear running down his face, shimmering in the light of the fire almost as if it was the fire itself.
Iruka got to his knees and crawled over to Kakashi's side. He put his arms around the older man's shoulder and pulled him towards his chest. For a moment their cheeks were touching, and Iruka laid one of his hands on the back of Kakashi's head.
This is defeat. A total defeat. How could I be conquered so easily... Obito...
Kakashi's cheek felt wet where it was touching Iruka's, and the younger man could no longer stand the pain it gave him. He turned his head slightly and while doing that, he gently pulled the mask down the older man's mouth. He pressed his lips on Kakashi's and they kissed desperately and on the verge of tears.
When both men were sinking to the ground, kissing and caressing each other's bodies, Kakashi caught the scent of Iruka's hair while the younger was kissing his neck. It smelled like earth and grass and summer, a scent so intense and familiar that it felt as if someone had stabbed him. For a moment, just a short moment, the images struck him and conquered his mind.
He saw himself by the riverside, heading towards Konoha village on a warm summer's day. He heard someone yell after him. An impulse first told him to walk on and not look behind him... but he stood still and turned around. He saw Obito, standing on the grass near a river, like on that one day he remembered so well, the memory of which was burned into his heart forever. Obito beamed at him like he had always done, and raised one hand to wave at him. To wave him goodbye.
Obito... You know I loved you... Forgive me, my friend... I really loved you...
The last thing he saw was his old friend smiling at him and nodding. Then everything went black.
Kakashi stared into the trees above him, his face carrying an empty expression that only slowly turned into a light smile. He laid his hands on Iruka's cheeks and looked at him as if he had never seen him before. Iruka returned his gaze, and then he smiled as well.
"Iruka..." whispered Kakashi before he pulled the younger man closer to him, and both joined in a long, breathless kiss...
---
The next morning, both men reached the edge of the forest and saw the desert stretching out before them. Before they left the woods, though, they stood there silently for a while, watching the sun rise above the hills in front of them. It was no surprise that they felt reluctant to leave the forest where they had shared so much last night, Kakashi thought. Whatever was out there in front of them, as soon as they left the woods, everything would be different. And difficult. Maybe even impossible.
"What will it be like... I mean..."
"When we get back home?" Kakashi asked. Iruka, who was standing behind him, nodded.
Kakashi touched the younger one's cheek and stroked it lightly.
"What do you think it will be like?"
"I don't know. But if I ever see you stare at me from the distance again..."
"What will you do about it, then...?" Kakashi asked, when he suddenly felt Iruka's arms around his waist. The young man was holding onto him, and his grip was firm and tight, warm and loving.
"There will be a way..." Iruka whispered into Kakashi's ear, and Kakashi closed his eyes.
When they set off into the desert, the sun was rising fast and the temperature was rising with it. It would be a hot day, and the air was already flickering above the tops of the nearby mountains.
For now, it seemed autumn had been postponed. The summer had returned to the Country of Fire, and as it reappeared, it intended to give a last big encore.
The end