A/N: Blah blah blah, everyone knows we don't own YGO. This story was inspired by my little sister asking if sex-ed vids actually had sex in 'em. I accept flames, as I shall use them to roast Gozabastard. And, as I mentioned in the summary, I decided to repost and paragraphize this before I got caught for having a script-format fic up. (Never mind the fact that it was an actual script-format with blocking and cues and whatnot, and most definitely NOT chat-format with NO asterisks and...okay, I'm ranting.) And, also, I wrote it as if someone who's never seen YGO is reading it. :P I have a tendency to do things like that.
THE VIDEO
(Or, What Happens When The YGO Cast Watches A PWP)
This story starts out in a college classroom.
Yeah, pretty boring.
Oh well.
Anyway, as the class was about to start, the booming voice of the dean, Rishid, came on over the intercom.
"Good morning, students. There will be no classes today," he announced. And no sooner did he announce this, of course, that the students began cheering, catcalling, and what have you. The dean cleared his throat—almost as if to interrupt the chaos—and continued.
"However, you will report to the library for a graphic educational film. Thank you, that is all the announcements for now. Have a nice day."
As many of the students were either confused by this or hadn't listened past "no classes today," they had no clue what this meant. The only ones that did—a short boy with big hair and a limber blue-eyed girl--were somewhere in the back of the room.
"Uh-oh," the boy, Yuugi Mutou, uttered.
The girl, Anzu Mazaki, cocked her head in confusion. "Uh-oh?"
Yuugi nodded. "Yeah, uh-oh. Do you know what this means?"
"Um..." Anzu let her mind wander a little—then it hit her. "Oh."
"Yeah," Yuugi affirmed, knowing that Anzu realized it.
They looked at each other, expressions a mix of amusement and… well, we can't really tell.
"The video."
Their sudden revelation was interrupted by their professor's stuffy voice. "You are dismissed," the professor stated blandly.
Katsuya Jonouchi, a goofy blond boy who was good friends with Yuugi and Anzu, interpreted the professor's statement in his own way. He snickered, dirty mind already at work.
"No supervision! Yeah!" he yelled cheerfully.
Not so.
"I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but there are chaperones in the library."
This professor liked to interrupt things, apparently.
Jou rolled his eyes in disappointment. "Aw, man."
The professor ushered the students out, where Yuugi, Anzu, and Jou met up with their friends—Ryou Bakura, a white-haired softie; Hiroto Honda, a mellowed-out tough guy; Shizuka Kawai, Joey's younger and more reserved sister; and Mai Kujaku, a sassy blonde bombshell.
Unfortunately, they also met up with the insanely rich brothers Seto and Mokuba Kaiba, and the dean's adoptive younger brother Malik Ishtar.
Upon reaching the library, Honda took one look and groaned.
"Oh, jeez," he muttered.
Jou looked at him quizzically. "What is it, buddy?"
Honda motioned to the back of the room. "Check out our so-called chaperones."
The whole group looked back at the chaperoning professors. The librarian, Shadi, was at his desk, staring off into nowhere. The English professor, Isis—who also happens to be Malik's older sister--also looked rather pokerfaced and had pulled up a chair near Shadi. And Pegasus, who taught history and art, had set up a makeshift desk and was reading a comic book.
Ryou twitched. "I...suppose they picked the wrong people to chaperone...?"
"Ya got dat right!" Jou huffed.
Honda lifted an eyebrow. "This has gotta be a joke!"
Seto, who was seated already, turned around and glared at the lot of them. "Shove it, all of you," he hissed. "It's starting."
They all sat down on the floor, as the lights dimmed and the film started. The beginning was cheesy, like films of its genre are.
Then things started getting...how should I say this...graphic.
Really graphic.
Which, of course, was totally unexpected.
Yuugi's face was disfigured in shock. "OH MY GOSH!" He dashed to the nearest bathroom, and all you could hear from there were retching sounds and switching back and forth from yami to omote.
Seto's eyes widened. He couldn't let his impressionable little brother see this! He got up and grabbed Mokuba—who seemed to be very interested in the film—by the collar. "Okay, this was unexpected, let's go," he slurred, hauling Mokuba with him.
"But, big brother..." Mokuba started to protest. Whether he kept on with it or Seto shut him up, we don't know, because he was dragged out of the room after that.
Curious as to what was going on, Pegasus put his comic down. His eyes caught what the XXX-rated 'educational' film was demonstrating, catching him completely off-guard. He gasped.
"So passionate...so beautiful..." he whispered, his voice wavering more every moment. "Yes...a-and we...C-Cy-Cynthia and I..." he choked, "we were n-never...able...to..." Not able to even speak of it any longer, Pegasus slunk under his desk, crying hysterically.
Out of the blue, Mai quickly joined Pegasus under his desk, her expression a peculiar hybrid of fear, anxiety, and trauma.
Pegasus cocked his head. Between sobs, he managed to choke, "Y-you don't like this film either?"
Mai looked at him pleadingly. "I'm-the-woman-in-that-film!" she panicked. She claimed the desk as her refuge and started rocking back and forth in the fetal position as Pegasus kept weeping.
Maybe about five feet away from that, Shadi and Isis suddenly started paying less attention to the students and more attention to the video. Both of their faces flushed, and they slowly turned toward each other, thinking the same thing. Taking advantage of the goings-on, and tossing their duties to the wind, the two sneaked off into a secret back room.
Back with the others, Malik started twitching. He didn't know what to think about this video. So disgusted was he that paid no mind when Ryou and Shizuka shrieked, "Oh, my innocent virgin eyes!" in unison and fainted on his lap, as Anzu screamed and ran out, as Jou and Honda got monster nosebleeds...or as 'the act' stopped and the video launched into the pregnancy/childbirth part.
This did not go over well.
Jou and Honda wiped up their nosebleeds, utterly revolted at this point. Pegasus' sobs grew louder and more painful. Mai started biting her perfectly manicured nails into oblivion. You get the point.
Wanting desperately to purge his mind of the film thus far, Malik decided to take a walk and explore a little. He walked around a bit, and found a door he'd never seen before. His nosy nature getting the best of him, he opened it to find a storage room, with a conveniently placed king-sized bed. However, curiosity turned into horror as Malik recognized...
His sister.
With the librarian.
In the bed.
Naked.
His eye started twitching violently as he registered the scene before him. "I thought I was rid of all scenes past PG-13..." he mumbled. "Isis?! What in the name of—"
Glowering at him, Isis deadpanned, "You would have found out sooner or later, little brother."
Malik decided to pretend she hadn't said that when he spotted a certain something sitting on a conveniently placed dresser. Smirking evilly, he held it up.
"D'you think maybe you...forgot this?" he drawled.
Shock set in as Isis gasped and Shadi blurted out "Oh, shit."
Evidently having fun being evil, Malik took out a walkie-talkie. He flipped it on.
"Rishid, are you there? Over."
"Yes, Malik, what is it? Over." Rishid answered.
"Can you make and announcement for me? Over."
"What...sort of an announcement? Over."
"Well, let's just say our sister and Towel-Head decide to follow the example of the video, and are due to meet the same fate. Over."
"I don't think so. Over and out."
Malik flipped off his walkie-talkie and stuck it back in his pocket, still looking triumphant.
"Why you little...ooh, I oughtta...I swear, if you..." Isis muttered, jaw clenched.
Shadi wrapped an arm around her. "Calm down. Rishid said he wouldn't."
"You wanna bet?" Malik sneered. Feeling accomplished, he left. Shadi and Isis redressed and followed him.
By this time, the video was over. The Kaiba brothers and Anzu reentered the library as Ryou and Shizuka woke up. Yuugi finally emerged from the restroom, everything within a three-foot radius of Pegasus was soaked, Mai crawled out from under the desk, and Jou and Honda were still twitching.
As if it was rehearsed, they lined up, Yuugi, Anzu, Seto, Mokuba, Ryou, Shizuka, Jou, Honda, Mai, and Pegasus, and squeaked their opinion, one word at a time, down the line.
"That..."
"...was..."
"...the..."
"...absolute..."
"...most..."
"…emotionally…"
"...disturbing..."
"...film..."
"...ever."
"Amen!"
Not having paid any attention to this peculiar phenomenon, Malik counted down, Millenium Rod in hand.
"Three...two...one."
Just as he finished his countdown, Rishid came on over the intercom.
"Good afternoon, everyone. I would like to congratulate our very own Professor Ishtar and our good librarian Shadi on conception today."
Well, we can imagine how the others reacted. That's up to you.
What was definite was that two voices could be heard above all throughout the entire campus.
"MALIK!!"