Stefan's Emo Life
by malkshake
It was another day in Mystic Falls. Stefan, the emo vampire bastard, had decided to go see Elena. He larded on 2978239858738773218671 pounds of hair mousse, put on a leather jacket, and declared himself ready. His brother, Damon, had gone off to have sex with and eat everyone in town. Only the guys, though, for Damon is a flaming homosexual. Either way Stefan was lonely and decided to visit the love of his depressing life to make himself feel better. Then maybe he would go shopping at the nearest Hot Topic. Finally he got to Elena's ugly house. Her aunt, Jenna, answered the door. As always, Jenna was hammered and dressed in polyester lingerie long past its prime. "Hey big boy" she slurred "can I help you?" "Yeah. Not in that way, though" Stefan added quickly "Where's Elena?" "Who?" "Ele--oh never mind." He shoved her out of the way and she stumbled. Suddenly, her uterus and ovaries fell out. They were dry and shrivelled. They immediately crumbled into dust. "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE FUCKING DONE, YOU FUCKING FUCK!" she screamed. Stefan had had enough of the old hag so he roundhouse kicked her in the head and she died. He made his way up to Elena's room. "Elena? Where are you?" he called. Then he heard the shower running, and so he burst into the bathroom. Elena was taking a shower and Jeremy was filming it. "You fucker! I'll save you, Elena!" Stefan shouted, and ripped Jeremy's head off. "Stefan, you fucking idiot! I let him do that! It was for our latest porno, 'Mary Sue Is Hairy Too!'" "You mean you're not a virgin? You weren't saving yourself for me?" "Stefan, you fucking idiot, no! I have sex with Jeremy and everyone all the time! Just ask any of our teachers!" "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH" Stefan screamed and severed Elena's spine. Then he ran off and killed that whore Caroline who was giving blowjobs to the entire football team. He also killed Bonnie, for she is a faggish dyke who was watching Caroline and masturbating. He also killed Alaric because no one likes him, and he's a pedophile.
Finally he made his way home. He sat in a corner, rocking and crying. He wrote some emo poetry for awhile. Several hours of this later Damon came home. "Hi Stefan," he said "I've got something to tell you!", "Oh Damon, what are our lives but small beads of fleeting happiness strung on a necklace of despair?" "Um yeah, about that...Matt and I are going to Vegas to get married." Matt walked into the room. "It's true!" he confirmed, and gave a thumbs-up. "What the fuck?" said Stefan. "We're in love!" Damon said happily and he and Matt started making out. "Ew" said Stefan. "I would ask you to be my bridesmaid, if you weren't such an emo douche. Maybe Matt will let you be his best man. Will you Matt?" "No, he's a fucking emo douchebag" said Matt. "Oh okay" said Damon. "Bye Stefan." And they both left. "NOOOOO!" Stefan shouted when they were gone. "Why did you leave me like this? Why Damon? Why?" then he started crying again and wrote some more emo poetry. "Life is a bowl of cherries, all I get is the pits....I can't take any more..." Stefan scribbled furiously and got out a razor to slit his wrists. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. "FUCK OFF!" Stefan shouted. He heard some weird sounds out side of the door. Then the door was broken down. A huge shadow was cast across the whole room and a large dark shape appeared in the doorway. "Who the fuck is it?" Stefan asked. Out of the shadows came NuttyMadam. She was holding a copy of Breaking Dawn. "UUUHHHHMAAAAYZINNNNNNNG BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHK!" she bellowed. Then she ate Stefan. She paused and inserted the book into her vagina. Then she left and ate everyone who remained in the town. She then left Mystic Falls and continued on her neverending quest to meet Stephenie Meyer.
The end.