An Open Letter to Arthur Pendragon
A/N [show-me-your-tardis]
Plot – Arthur has been missing for centuries, and it's beginning to annoy Merlin. He decides to vent his feelings.
Prat,
I know it may seem insane writing a letter to you, but I am so mad at you. You've really let me down this time. You had one job, Arthur, and you've failed. You've pissed me off worse than that time you made me carry your and Gwen's bags for three hours, in the boiling sun, while you flirted and became the very definition of love-struck idiot.
You have been missing for a long time. At first, I thought maybe you were just getting used to your new life – whatever that may be – before you came back. Then, maybe, I thought you were so busy being King in another plane of existence, that you'd merely lost track of time, and you'd reappear panting and apologising one day.
Now, however, now I know you're messing with me. I can picture your smug face laughing as I wonder where, in this universe, you are and what the hell is taking you so long!
Since we met, we've always done everything together. You relied on me for the most basic things, and I relied on you, this is what we did, it was the pace and pattern of our relationship. So I don't understand how you've managed to survive this long without me. You must have one damn good manservant wherever you are.
My methods weren't exactly perfect. You'd wake up late more times than you would early. Your clothes weren't always washed, your sword not always sharpened. Sure, I joked about your weight, but we both know you were fighting fit.
Sometimes your food was cold. And sometimes I'd leave your horse untied during the night, only to have to chase him down the next morning. I hated hunting with you and I always complained about the weather – rain, shine, snow, whatever. Your baths were always cold, and I disappeared for days at a time.
I wasn't the best manservant in the world, but I always thought you liked the way I did things...
You still left me behind. It's like you hopped on a plane and flew halfway across the world, taking my ticket with you. I'm left jumping up and down as your plane ascends higher and higher, and shouting to get your attention, but you can't really hear me.
How did this happen?
I'm worried this gap between us is only going to get wider. I'm worried that the further you get into your new life, the less sense mine will make to you. You are with your knights and your wife, and I'm the only one who is alone. I'm scared that one day you will decide – have decided – that you don't want to come back. You'll look down and see me struggling to understand the new modern world, and decide you don't want the hassle. You'll choose them over me.
I know my life is more than just you. I know I'm being a tad irrational but I'm sad, okay? I'm sad and I'm alone. You have found your peace and quiet. I'm still on this exhausting journey waiting for mine – working a real job, where my boss isn't you, and eating food that wasn't harvested this morning.
You will never have to experience a driving lesson; baffle at the technology this world has; force your legs into skinny jeans; go on a date; or even get brain freeze from eating your ice cream too fast.
I know I'm not being fair, you didn't choose this. But I'm annoyed. WHY AREN'T WE IN THIS TOGETHER ANYMORE?
...I don't actually think you've abandoned me. I still believe one day you'll come back. I know we'll always be two sides of the same coin.
Yes, I have cried a bit. I cry about a lot of things, actually, but you don't have to worry about me. I am just tired, I'm so tired.
I cry because now I know what nostalgia is. It's the painful and choking understanding of how long life is, and how fast it moves. It's realising we can't have the past back, no matter how much I want it. The world keeps moving forward and the past will always be done and finished by the time we look back.
It's gazing at a big map of our life and recalling every hope and dream we've ever had. It's realising that some came true, while others were forgotten – left broken and dusty by a roadside.
I love you and I know you love me too.
But maybe you're destined for a life above, while I'm stuck dangling far below, wondering when the word goodbye became so hard to say.
Love, M x