Unsureness
A Gundam Wing fanfiction written by Laya Bonifacio
Standard disclaimers apply
I am running down the hall, running away from him. I cannot take the blank stares anymore. The cold answers.
People think that I do not get tired of pursuing him. That I run after him because I want to be happy. I am not that selfish. I go after him because I see a faint glimmer of hope in his eyes no matter how hard he tries to hide it. But then, I realize that I might be imagining things all along. That there really is nothing there except the cold stares, the frozen glances. That deep inside, he really feels nothing. That emptiness is the only word he knows. The only emotion he feels. And maybe, just maybe, I really am doing this not for his happiness, but for mine.
Because, I realize, that I would be happy if I see him smile.
Smile.
And so I run. I run away as fast as I can. As fast as my feet can carry me.
The mere thought of his nearness unnerves me. It drains me of happiness. Of happiness I long to preserve because it is one of the few things that is keeping me sane in this state of war I am in.
We all are in.
I sat down on a chair when I reached my room at the end of the hall, the room farthest away from him. I cannot succumb to tears. I do not want to. I see it as my weakness. And I do not want to cry over a very shallow reason.
I hear footsteps down the hall. Thinking that it is Noin or my brother, I stand up and go towards the mirror. The least I can do is fix my physical self. There is no point in appearing distraught even when inside I'm feeling chaotic. One thing I learned over the years is to always look calm when in front of others.
Why then do I appear my self when I am in front of him? Maybe because of the thought that the only way to coax something out of him is when I feed him with emotions. But I realize that I must be wrong for if I am right, why am I not able to get anything out of him?
Giving my self one last look and wearing my most practiced smile, I slowly walk towards the door. As predicted, someone knocked. I smile brightly as I unlock the door, twist the knob, and open it.
Outside stands Heero, looking at me like that again.
Coldly. Freezing me to my very bone.
I am not going to frown in front of him. I am not going to show him any emotion. Forcing my eyes to stare blankly, I monotonously ask, "Yes?"
See? Even surprising things like me speaking in monotone is not enough to faze him. He stares at me passively.
I resolve to run away again. Turning away from him, I step in front of my open door and pull it close, planning to walk towards my brother's room, or anywhere, as long as it is away, away from here.
"Relena."
His hand grasps my arm, my arm that formerly held the door handle and pulls me closer, facing him. His face is still blank, but my eyes open widely at what I see from his eyes.
His hair is in front of his face, surrounding most of it, except his eyes. I saw it. Faint glimmer of hope. And something else.
He straightens up after, breaking the contact. He steps backwards, eyes back to their old self.
Maybe I imagined it all.
And maybe not.
Written: 19 July 2001 -- 0130
Revised: 20 July 2001 -- 2040
Revised: 08 August 2001 – 2215
Revised: 01 January 2008 – 0948H