Hey there! Nice to see that you've stumbled into 'Xepher'! I extend the warmest of greetings to you, hoping that you enjoyed the holidays. Onwards to the new year, I say! Tally ho!
This fic, shall I say, is an excerpt of 'Metal Gear Solid 4: Exhale'. It was inspired by Shining Zephyr's 'Catalyst', an angsty look into the world of Solid Snake. Before I continue, I am proud to say that I found a wonderful gem for the year 2008, and it goes by the name 'Zephyr'. XD I shall be forever grateful to have that friend with me.
'MGS4: Exhale' was originally inspired by Solid Snake's appearance in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. 'Exhale' incorporates characters of different worlds into the world of MGS4: Guns of the Patriots. The title of this adventure was derived from a Dance Dance Revolution: Supernova song. I claim no ownership over MGS4 or DDR: Supernova.
Disclaimer: As much as I'd like to, I don't own anything related to Metal Gear Solid. Not even a Playstation. Kinda sad, for one that's madly in love with the series. I also don't own a certain guest character.
This tale will contain boy/boy romance. If you're not a fan of yaoi, and can't at least respect it, then I suggest you take your eyes elsewhere. That also applies to you if you're allergic to fluff, and/or can't tolerate the idea of a 'humanized' Snake. Thank you!
'Xepher' will contain light spoilers of MGS4. If you're unfamiliar with the game, and wish to keep the element of surprise, be on the lookout. XD
An ephemeral blanket of silence had draped itself over the world, calm but fated to live only for a moment. Its edges had fallen into the Nomad, relieving it of the day's tension. Only the dim embers of restless computers gave off light, and only the melody of ongoing research walked through the night. A certain otaku found it difficult to sleep, and had become accustomed to the deceitful art of caffeine indulgence. Not wanting to plunge into a restless chamber of slumber, knowing that it would only bring about pain, he kept himself awake by consuming large amounts of coffee. One could easily sense the strong presence of black caffeine, for its fragrance drifted through the still air. It wasn't having its usual effect, though. For many, coffee was a source of unrestrained energy. To him, it was merely a device that served to keep him from nightmares.
Sunny was fast asleep, dreaming of treasures unknown. In her hands was a Mokona plushie, an item Otacon had brought on board out of nostalgia. As an avid otaku, he couldn't refrain from taking at least one item onto the Nomad. The little girl, who had become his surrogate daughter, held onto it for good luck. She worried over her makeshift family incessantly, and felt the need for a good luck charm. Her eggs were usually the forecasters of the future, but recently, things had risen to a feverish pitch. Mokona supplied her with extra comfort. It wasn't like she could cook eggs day in and night out anyways.
There were two other people on board. Both were desperately trying to sleep, but failing miserably. Heartache resounded throughout both of their bodies, driving itself through their souls like a stake. One particular heart was wrestling with a savage amount of pain, stifling his cries underneath the night's silence. Otacon had dealt with enough for the day, and there was no need to awaken the little girl. His pain should have been his pain alone. No one else's.
But-
Invincible hands ripped gasps out of his quivering body, each of their fingers icy and venomous. Spasms, violent and endless, battered his body as brutal waves would batter peaceful shores. He twisted and turned, hoping to rid himself of the pain before Otacon was alerted. With each attempt to cleanse himself came a greater surge of pain, forcing him closer to his breaking point. Gasps and whimpers were promptly replaced by sobs. Naomi Hunter's 'gift' was a merciless tormentor, killing him with every breath he took.
The nights were not simple for him. They drained the little strength he had left, giving him no time for peace. In his mind visions of his brother danced about, laughing and devilishly rapturous. Night after night Liquid crushed the remnants of his withering soul, laughing as he witnessed his brother's distress. Night after night he was tied down, either chained to a wall or tied down to the ground. His latest nightmare, which he had just emerged from seconds ago, had him chained to a wall-with a collar around his neck. To say that he felt like a dog would have been an understatement.
He was trapped in a place that greatly resembled a furnace. The temperature was unbearably high, standing at least one hundred and fifteen degrees. That was an intolerable temperature for anyone to withstand, and for someone in his condition, enchantment was not to be found. Being tied down like an uncivilized beast didn't help matters. In addition to his setting, his brother wasn't the least bit friendly. Always laughing, always smiling, Liquid used his body to beat his 'inferior' sibling into submissions. Punches and kicks were unremittingly given out, with no heed to their recipient's pain.
"How could you possibly believe that an old, frail and ugly thing deserves 'love'? How could you believe that something so useless could ever find 'happiness'? Are you that daft, my brother?!"
"I shall be the one to rule this world, and you'll become nothing more than a pile of ashes! In this world you'll leave behind nothing! You're a disgrace, my brother, to the soil you walk upon!"
"I find it difficult to believe that someone so young and beautiful would find favor with you. Wonders never cease, eh?"
"What could you possibly have to offer? You're nothing but a cold-blooded killer, made only to kill-not to love! Your paltry little relationship amuses me!"
Tears began to course out of his eyes, endowing the night with more light. That was right. He was in search of something precious, chasing after it in a way he never expected. Liquid laughed in that precious treasure's face, telling his brother that he didn't deserve it. Telling him that it shouldn't have fallen onto his hands in the first place. Telling him-
That he'd never be able to give anything back. Telling him that pursuing the treasure was useless. Telling him that he was useless to the one he loved.
As painful as it was to admit it, Liquid was right. He was useless to the apple of his eyes, regardless of how much he loved him. Regardless of how much he needed him. He could offer nothing to someone so pure, young and courageous. He was nothing to someone so pure and fearless.
But-
The young one loved him. And he loved him. He needed him. He wanted to be near him. The pain was just too much to bear alone, and he couldn't let Otacon know. The day had been exhausting for him, and he had dealt with the broken-down dog for far too long. Almost ten years, to be exact. The otaku had his own burdens to bear, his own heartache to deal with-
"What a pity. He's beautiful, yet he has poor taste. If I were in his position, I'd choose someone more worthy of my time. You can hardly even breathe, let alone stand. What purpose are you serving for him?"
Life was cloudy. Life was unbearable. Hands were locked around his throat, strangling him. Breathing had become an impossible task. Punches rained down on his body, and tears erupted out of his eyes. He wanted to breathe, wanted to blink, but didn't have the strength to do so. He was suffocating, drowning, dying in the midst of darkness. Naomi's syringe wasn't anywhere near him, and even if it was, he didn't have the strength-or vision-to locate it.
Pain, pain and more pain-
Hands ripped gasps out of his throat, bringing him dangerously close to a whirlpool of screams. Life had become cloudy, stormy and utterly painful. He shot a hand to his heart, clutching it. Volcanoes continued to erupt inside of him, relieving him of his frail vision. Couldn't breathe, couldn't blink-life was fading away-
He was frightened. Frantic, like a mother about to lose a child to miscarriage. Explosions of pain continued to occur inside of his fragile insides, his brother continued to laugh-he couldn't breathe. Could hardly move. Pain was all that he knew, and pain knew him all too well. It was throttling the life out of him, strangling him, laughing at him-
He willed his limbs to withdraw from his bed. Breathing heavily, clutching his throat, he slowly sent his legs to the floor. The rest of his body followed suit, throbbing with unspeakable fire. Ignoring the need to break down and sob was an indescribably horrid task. He willed himself to move further, forcing his legs to take on lives of their own. Breaths, deep and heavy, shook his withering ribs. Fear shot through his chilled bloodstream, poison rattled his eyes-
He had to see him. He had to be near him.
Thoughts of a precious gem wandered through his restless mind, preventing him from falling into slumber. Like a child waiting for Santa, he kept himself within the realm of consciousness. He sat within his bed anxiously, constantly sighing and heart waiting for the morning. His sword slept upon the cold floor of his room, no longer used as a tool of distraction from sleepless reality. He had practiced his swordplay upon the return to his room, but his mind was far too immersed in heartache for lengthy sword practice. There was someone he wanted to see, and would have exchanged his life for a minute with that particular person.
He was only nineteen years of age, but his strength betrayed his tender years. He was a male of impassable fortitude, valor and fervor. Right out of the gate he had been by someone else's side, devoting his life to the other without question. Despite the immense gap in their ages, he constantly nurtured the fire he sheltered. Deep inside of his heart the fire burned, bright and gloriously radiant. It rivaled the flames of bygone romances, blazing with a power that shamed the sun. Many would have questioned his taste (Liquid being amongst that group), but he cared not for negative input. All he knew was his heart, and his heart was currently agitated.
Brown curly locks were trapped against forehead, locked down by beads of sweat. A heaving chest rose and fell, absorbing the cold air. Soft blue eyes blinked against a ceiling, searching for relief that would never come. A part of him was desperately pleading for slumber, wanting to be removed from a world of longing. The greater half of him, though, refused to shut down. Sleeping wouldn't have brought him any freedom. He wanted nothing to do with it, forever fated to wrestle against his bed linen.
He had arrived in his school uniform, but dressed himself in attire more suitable to his current surroundings. He had placed the suit of a young, thin solider onto his body, wanting to 'fit in' with the environment. His original clothes, carefully folded, had been laid away inside of his small closet. The only active remnant of his previous life was his sword, forever faithful and undeniably strong. It was just like his heart, breathing and throbbing with fire.
He couldn't sleep. He could never sleep. For some reason, though, that particular night was a lot more difficult than his previous ones. Afflicted with the ailment commonly known as 'love', it wasn't odd for him to experience insomnia. Nervousness had united with that element, making the night insufferable. He couldn't explain it, but he was deathly anxious about the other's wellbeing. Going to see him was an option, but he couldn't bother him. He needed all of the sleep he could get, and more.
Several heavy knocks fell upon his bedroom door. He sat up in a flash, eyes widened in astonishment. Before he could inquire about the other side's identity, several more knocks came-followed by a harsh thud. Ablaze with horror, the young male bolted out of his bed-tossing his bed linen aside. Without wasting a second he unlocked the door, opened it, and found-
"Snake!"
Swiftly he gathered the older male into his arms, then dragged him into the haven. He would have preferred the ability to carry him, but due to their differences in weight and height, that was out of the question. Completely awash in horror, the young one proceeded to lay the older male upon his bed. One look at the other's face set his heart into tears, stomping on every last inch of his soul. The old soldier, from head to toe, was covered in fathomless pain. The face of a shackled, tormented bird would forever haunt the swordsman, mesmerizing him with its beauty-yet breaking his heart. "What happened?" he asked softly, not wanting to shatter the other with a higher volume. "Where's Otacon? Sunny?"
"Sleeping," the older male replied, his voice box dragged deeper into a painful climb. The young male became an ephemeral painting of confusion, unable to decipher if Snake was referring to Otacon or Sunny. Perhaps they were both sleeping.
Violent coughs were dispersed from the soldier's mouth. He began to wrap his arms around his chest in response, but found another pair of arms about his body. A heartbeat soon fell against his, gentle in stark contrast to his rapid, frantic rhythm. "Why are you here?" a soothing voice asked, tears gracing the edges of its eyes. Filled with ceaseless light, they peered into the small-slitted eyes of a soldier.
"What brought you to me? I've got to get Otacon!"
"No! Don't!"
A gasp rose from the younger male's mouth. Horror united with pain, melting within his vibrant eyes. The older male, despite his pain, had spoken with a surprising amount of fire. "Don't," he repeated, falling into a short period of turbulent coughs. "Don't!"
"But why?"
The answer came instantly, lashing against the air in fury. "I came for you! I came to see you! I need you right now, not him!"
I need you right now, not him!
The younger male was temporarily frozen, paralyzed by disbelief. Tears trickled down his cheeks and onto the black floor, emitting soft rays of transcendent light. Questions rose into his mind, but none of them were spoken. Instead he kept himself close, arms wrapped around the other's waist. Snake was submerged in merciless coughs for epochs on end, gradually lulled into sleep by the other male's warmth. Minutes seemed like ages, with ten of them elapsing before gentle silence walked into their room. Into each other's eyes they peered, their hearts silently conversing. One pair pleaded with another for solace, while the younger pair was transfixed. Hypnotized by beauty he could have never imagined, but frequently saw in his dreams.
Tears streamed from blue eyes, coming from a dam that was meant to be stronger. Their owner tried his hardest to restrain them, wanting to keep his strength intact for the other's sake, but it was impossible. The soldier's pain crept into his heart, glowing inside of his radiant blue gems. Two hearts became one as words were unspoken, but spoken loud enough for both of them to hear.
Slowly, shakily, Snake rose a hand into the air. It earned a look of confusion from the younger male, until it landed upon his cheek. One word left the soldier's lips, and it happened to be a name.
"Luso."
Crystallized light began to descend from the swordsman's eyes. "What is it?" he repeated, stroking the other's face with his own hands. "What's wrong? Why did you come to see me?"
"Sorry...for waking you up."
At first Luso frowned, then chuckled gently. "I wasn't sleeping," he said tenderly, still stroking the other's face. "I was too busy thinking about you. I couldn't sleep. I can't ever sleep and it's all your fault."
Silently repeating the question 'what's wrong' inside of his eyes, the swordsman began to stroke the other's heaving chest. Snake placed his arms upon the other's back, eyes closing. Neither one of them spoke for another epoch, but then Luso was the one to shatter the silence. "Why are you here?" he whispered, his face a centimeter away from the other's. "Why aren't you with Otacon? I can't help you, and you're...you're in pain!"
"Yes you can," was the quivering, hoarse response. "I need you. Don't leave me. Please."
Luso's eyes widened, filled with even more tears. He gazed onto the face of a ravaged prisoner, torn and tattered by the waves of night's sorrow. Snake's wings had been clipped, and he wished to have them returned. Only one individual had the power to grant such a wish.
"I...I'm not going to leave you. I'd never leave you."
"Why?"
Apprehension erupted inside of Luso's chest. Just a second ago, the old soldier had begged him to stay put. Now he was wondering about Luso's decision to stay?
"Because...I...I don't want to. I need you just as much as you need me."
The question was repeated with a trembling, sorrowful voice. "Why?"
The young swordsman laid his head against the other's chest, closing his eyes. He said nothing for a moment, savoring the other's heartbeat but silently drowning in tears of pain. Face tinged with a soft shade of pink, he replied in the softest tone he had available. "You're...you're my air," he replied shyly, then averted his eyes from the soldier's gaze. "I can't live without air."
Like a child clinging to a mother, Snake latched onto Luso's body. He was no longer in the grip of savage pain, but it was still there, throttling him. Choking him. Threatening to kill him while his brother laughed and laughed and laughed-
Tears rushed from his eyes, glittering in the night. They fell onto Luso's body, accompanied by frail sobs. Quietly shedding his own tears, Luso caressed the soldier's chest while allowing Snake to caress his face. They explored one another, their hearts throbbing against sadness. "What is it?" the swordsman whispered, nuzzling his forehead against Snake's. There was so much the soldier wanted to say, but evidently couldn't put it into words. He was no different from a child boiling with secrets, but was much too afraid to share them.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
A soft whimper escaped the soldier's mouth. If Luso had been Meryl, he would have been left alone minutes ago. Colonel Campbell's daughter had left him without a second thought, declaring that she couldn't have a future with him. There wasn't any point to their relationship, she explained angrily, and couldn't stand how closed off he had been with her. Throughout the duration of their relationship, he had been a closed box-and she had been a fiery leash, constantly yanking on him. Tugging on him. Pulling him into emotions he couldn't understand. Drawing him into a concept he couldn't fathom.
That concept was commonly known as 'love'.
She was in love with a hero. An icon. She didn't love him.
She assumed that he would forever be invincible, impervious to pain and able to withstand any problem. She was in love with a childish fantasy, blissful with her possession of a legendary soldier's heart. Anger arose whenever he didn't mold himself into the mold of her hero, and whenever she tried to pull affection out of him, all efforts failed. He backed away with every attempt, eventually becoming a blot on her horizon. Many individuals believed that Solid Snake was supposed to have been invincible, and Meryl had been one of them. Driving that expectation further into his mind, he closed himself off to all forms of gentleness.
In a rare fit of tenderness, though, he realized just how lonely he was. Initially pleased with the show of affection, Meryl wrapped her arms around him. The two of them fell upon a bed, and dove straight into the process of lovemaking. Right before the process was complete, Meryl pulled away and made her declaration.
"What is this?! What am I doing with you?! There's no way I could ever be happy with you! You don't even have a last name! You hardly even know where your first name came from! How could I have a future with you, Snake?! This just can't work!"
More tears descended from his eyes. He tightened his grip upon Luso, who was still near. He couldn't show Meryl affection. He didn't know how. And to make everything worse, she tried to force it out of him. When he finally exuded a desire for her love, she pulled away from him-forever. Luso was there, though, right on top of him. Comforting him. Loving him. Wiping his tears away.
"How could you possibly believe that an old, frail and ugly thing deserves 'love'? How could you believe that something so useless could ever find 'happiness'? Are you that daft, my brother?!"
'Don't leave me,' Snake's eyes repeated, but his mouth spoke differently.
"Why? Why are you here?"
Luso buried his head into the soldier's shoulder. "I'm here because I'm in love with you," he whispered, eyes rattled by tears. "I'm here because I need you. Just as you need me."
In a flash Snake took the other by the shoulders, eyes roaring in venomous wrath. He lifted the young swordsman into the air, his grip upon Luso's shoulders painful. "Why?!" he demanded, tears coursing from his eyes.
"Answer me! Why?!"
Luso was frightened at first, gazing upon the other in an ephemeral fit of shock. Shock then melted away into a fusion of pain and affection, glowing softly within his eyes. "W-w-why do I love you?" he asked, shaken by the soldier's surge in strength. Tears were still coursing from his eyes, small yet infinitely beautiful. He wrestled with his inability to respond promptly, failing to compose a suitable response. How could he possibly attach words to a fire so strong?
"I...I love you because...I..."
Now what? I'm supposed to 'I'm sorry, Snake, but I don't know why I love you'? As if! I'd rather die! There's got to be another way to put everything!
"I...I...you're my world. You're...the air I breathe, and the dreams I heed. I...I can't imagine living without loving you. It just wouldn't make sense. My heart knows you're the most beautiful treasure I've ever laid my eyes on, and I'd be stupid to ignore you. I'm happy I was given the good grace to see how beautiful you really are. I...I..."
Laughter, warm yet nervous, dripped out of Luso's mouth. Oh well. He must've avoided sounding like a complete idiot, for Snake lowered him back to his previous position. "I don't know how to put this into words," the swordsman said sadly, face burning with scarlet starlight. "but you're everything to me. When I'm not around you, my soul can't breathe. Which explains why I can't ever sleep at night. I just...I..."
Dang it! What a moron I am! I write poetry but I can't tell him how I feel?! So much for my stupid Poetry class!
Catching Luso's nervous facial expression, Snake put forth fragile laughter. Hearing it, Luso's heart leapt a thousand miles beyond the galaxy. "You're quite the charmer," the old soldier said, smiling.
The swordsman became a blood-red picture of embarrassment, but he pressed on. "I meant every word," he assured the other, and Snake's smile became warmer. He appeared to be peaceful, no longer wracked with pain but exhausted.
"I know."
Neither of them spoke for a short while, simply peering into one another's eyes. Snake took the liberty of breaking the silence, bringing the swordsman into a tender embrace. "You know," the soldier began, happiness falling into his distant voice. "you've got shitty taste."
"No I don't," Luso replied instantly and adamantly, gazing straight into the other's eyes. Once again, their faces were a centimeter apart. "I think I'm smart. I may be clumsy, reckless and sometimes even stupid, but when it comes to you, I'm smart. I'm wise enough to know that I should love you, for if I don't, I'll drown and never breathe again."
Not another word was spoken. Their faces drifted closer together...eyes closed...hearts echoed as one, and...
Snake turned away with a grunt.
Luso gasped, even more nervous than before. In his neck of the woods, a first kiss was an important manner. And since he was about to kiss someone he had fallen madly in love with, his heart was racing at a pretty high pitch. "What's the matter?" he asked gently, confused by the other's decision to turn away. He received a sigh as a first response, then an expression of sadness came soon after.
"Are you blind?"
"Excuse me?" the swordsman asked, blinking in astonishment. That only served to deepen the other's anger.
"Can't you notice anything? It's pretty obvious to me!"
"Snake, what are you-"
Realization struck him as a bolt of lightning. He discovered the source of Snake's anger, gazing upon the other male's wrinkled and worn body. He said nothing for a moment, wide eyes exploring the soldier's existence. Of course Snake was much older than he was. Especially because of FOXDIE. The soldier had the appearance of a seventy year old man, while the swordsman was at the gentle age of nineteen! That was a pretty large gap, and did someone so pure deserve to be trapped in an old killer's arms?
Expecting the worst, Snake shut his eyes with another grunt. Expectations were shattered a minute later, when a gentle hand draped a blanket about two bodies. The old soldier's eyes looked upon Luso in bewilderment, receiving a warm smile in return. "We'd better get some sleep," the young one said merrily, eyes kissing the older male's heart. "Big Boss won't wait up for us if we happen to wake up late."
That was right. They had to locate a resistance group in Eastern Europe, where Big Boss' body was currently being held. Both were due to meet Big Mama, the group's commander.
But-
Luso shut his eyes, still wearing a smile of intense warmth. The warmth of the sun poured from the young swordsman's heart, draping itself about a world that was previously cold. Snake stared at him, silently wondering about the other male's dreams. With a small smile of mischief, he gently turned the swordsman onto his back. Luso's eyes fluttered open, mischievous eyes met surprised eyes-
-and lips melted into lips.
The kiss was several minutes long. Snake broke it off, smiling and ready for a night of peaceful slumber. Treating Luso as a cuddly stuffed animal, the old soldier rubbed his body against the other's in an affectionate manner. Luso, on his own end, was doused in the crimson flames of embarrassment.
I can't believe that just happened! I just had my first kiss-with the guy I love! Aaaaaahhhh!
Shyness quickly melted into adoration, transforming Luso's eyes into luminous portals. A smile spread across his face, infinitely warm and gentle. He ran a hand through Snake's silvery white hair, heart melting as a slice of butter would melt inside of an oven.
Liquid would continue to taunt him. He would continue to taunt his relationship with Luso. He would continue to tease him, laugh at him, and grind his spirit into ashes.
His relationship with Meryl would continue to haunt him. He would forever remember how she had tried to mold him into something perfect, a flawless hero without the smallest dent in his name. He would remember how she had pulled out of their first time together, announcing the she'd never be able to prosper with him. He would forever the virus draining his body, life ebbing and eternally broken.
He would forever remember all things, but as long as Luso kept himself near...
He'd be at peace.
I fell madly in love with this while writing. I didn't expect to develop such a powerful degree of affection for it, but I did. Despite my surge of love for 'Xepher', though, a problem came about. At several times throughout the story, I thought to myself 'I just wanna write the actual story', in reference to 'Metal Gear Solid 4: Exhale'. XD I had so much fun writing this that I've strengthened my 'Exhale' mania! Get this. I'm watching MGS4 cutscenes right now! XD
In addition to that, I've found the most adorable AMV to attribute to Snake and Luso's relationship. It features the Cascade remix of 'Monster', set to Ouran High School. I've been playing for the last twenty minutes. This fic was actually written to it! XD Find the link to that video within my profile. XD
Luso Clemens, in case you're unfamiliar with his adventure or my profile, is originally featured in 'Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift'. He is described as a mischievous, reckless young boy with strong talents in swordsmanship. Prior to his Final Fantasy adventure, he was also quite the troublemaker. In 'Exhale', his recklessness will be intact, but he's much wiser. His maturation process will be described.
Meryl's decision to storm out on Snake was inspired by Andi Mack's 'The Last Days of Dave and Meryl'.
On a fun note, I just adore Old Snake's voice. David Hayter rules the planet Earth. XD
I could go on and on about 'Xepher' and 'Exhale', but I won't. XD I'll take up an additional ten pages if I do. So off I go to watch more cutscenes! Hope everyone had a joyous holiday, by the way!
"His little whispers. "Love me, love me." That's all I ask for. "Love me, love me."
He battered his tiny fists to feel something.
Wondered what it's like to touch to feel something...
-Monster by Meg and Dia
This is dedicated to Shining Zephyr and her fic 'Catalyst'. Without you, I wouldn't be able to hold a precious gem to my heart, in remembrance of the year 2008.