I sit here in my small home perched on the nicest piece of furniture in the house, an old antique chair we've had for years. It's not exactly luxuriously beautiful or anything but it was comfortable.

I was alone in this house for the moment. Not a sound made its way to my ears as I sat here in utter silence. Mother had gone to Haymitch's for the day and she probably wouldn't be back until late. He tended to leave quite the mess for her to clean every day. My siblings were out in the yard playing around in what I wouldn't necessarily call a yard.

Many things reach from my thoughts to torment me now, to fill me with endless worry and sorrow. I wonder why I sit here and do absolutely nothing to quell my wondering thoughts.

I don't know why. I don't know many things I wish to know the answers to. Especially about her…

Katniss Everdeen…Catnip… Will I ever see into the depths of your thoughts so I may answer these prying questions inside me? Do you feel the same way for me as I do you? No. Surely not, you've shown me little of what possible feelings you might hold inside for me, no signs…

I know deep within myself that I will never love another as I love Katniss, no one could ever take her place in my heart. She is perfection to me. She would not, by capitol standards be considered outstandingly beautiful, smart, or even talented. But she is everything to me, one of the few people I hold close to my heart.

I snap out of my thoughts in a jolt, I should not think such things. Things that I'll never say. I even took off work for the rest of the week to be with her before she leaves for the Quarter Quell. It would hurt our income but I simply had to spend time with her before she left, for I might never see her again…

Oh how the capitol had enraged me this time, the 75th games having previous victors compete against one another the year after Katniss having angered them is no coincidence. This had to be personally set up by Snow himself to kill her off, get rid of her for good. What a coward he was, scared by a 17 year old girl, scared that he would not be able to keep his vice grip on the districts!

I know if I left this house to confront her it would be no use. The moment I looked into the depths of her deep grey eyes my carefully rehearsed words would be forgotten instantly, erased from my thoughts as if they'd never existed.

I wish to be with her more than anything, my heart aches for her. Even so, I fail to see what good pouring my heart out to someone who probably doesn't even feel the same way will do. What's the point? There is none. Especially since she probably loves someone else anyway…

Peeta… I really do hate to admit just how very jealous of you I am. I frequently wish that I'd have taken his place in the game. I wish that it had been me there with Katniss, maybe we would've been portrayed as lovers instead… maybe it would've been real…

A cruel selfish thought that often makes its way into my head finds its way to me once again. The thought that if Peeta had simply been killed in the games everything would be much simpler, better. Katniss would not have to be sent back to the arena again and the capitol would've left her in peace. Yes, if Peeta had just died things would be much different now.

I suddenly shudder at my horrid, ignorant thoughts. Yes things would be very different had Peeta died, but they would not be any better, Katniss would've surely blamed herself for his death. She would've been devastated, unhappy… She'd never have been able to forgive herself. Besides I didn't hate Peeta, he was a good man a hard person to hate. I just couldn't bear the thought of him taking Katniss from me.

I sit for just a while longer looking around the small compact room before my mind is made up. I quickly grab and lace up my boots gather up my jacket and prepare myself for what I must do today.

I must talk with Katniss. Today. Now.