I Close My Eyes And All I See Is Red
Everything that I see is red.
Blood.
Rage.
Blinding sadness.
My power overtaking me, and everything around me.
In the back of my mind, I know there will be a mess to clean up in the morning. I wonder what all I've destroyed, as if the things I've shattered during my waking hours weren't enough.
I roll over and bury my face in my pillow, searching for darkness. Anything that could interrupt this red.
I feel the tears as they soak into the fabric. I can hear myself screaming. It doesn't startle me awake like it used to. It is just a part of me now.
The nightmares are unending. Reliving every single moment of pain, every regrettable decision. Memories that will never leave me.
I Open My Eyes And All I See Is Red
At some point, I finally slept, but now i am awake, and something is not right.
I'm curled up on my side, my head still buried in a pillow. Wait, I do not have a red pillow.
My whole body tenses up, defensive, as I feel my mind slide effortlessly into a connection that has almost become second nature. I know not to make a fuss, someone would notice. Someone would question.
Anger, annoyance, confusion, frustration.
"Vision! What are you doing here?"
I see myself, writhing. Wrapped up in my comforter, screaming. My books, half the contents of my desk, my phone are all flying through the air, surrounded by red. I'm looking through Vision's eyes as he slowly approaches the side of my bed and carefully kneels down so that he is a few feet from my face. He slowly reaches out towards my hand, gently loosening my grip from around the blanket. I tighten my hand around his instead.
Shock. Curiosity. Gentleness.
His feelings flood my mind.
He moves to sit on the edge of the bed. I see myself roll over, wrapping my arms around his waist. Clinging to him like he's the only thing that can save me.
Conflict. Fear.
He's so proper. He doesn't want to do anything inappropriate. He's worried that I'll wake up and that he's already gone too far.
Affection. Protectiveness. Love. Conflict.
He is struggling to understand.
I feel his mind recoil, pulling away from mine quickly.
Oh. It makes sense now.
I wrap my arms around him, bury my face in his chest. Cry for a whole new reason.
I reach out with my mind, push farther than I have before, starting to break down his resistance.
"Please don't run away."
I break through to find a barrage of feelings.
Nervousness. Content. Conflict. Love. Apprehension. Longing.
Then something changes; snaps like a rubber band.
Love. Love. Love.
The strength of it floors me, and I let go of my own carefully controlled emotions.
They aren't as clear as his. Not sharply defined lines and easy to understand concepts. Mine are everything muddled together, swirling around and trying to make sense of it all.
I finally look up at him and his eyes have gone wide. This is the first time he's taken in the entirely of what it's like in my head, and I can almost physically feel his thoughts as they try to work out just what is going on.
Then, recognition. He's found something to examine more closely.
My love isn't like his, though. I watch through his mind as he picks it apart. It is marred and entangled with loss, sorrow, and fear of experiencing that all again.
Still, I feel him cling to it.
Joyful. Exuberant. Hopeful. Completely in love.
He reaches down to wipe the tears from my face, and then pulls me closer.
"We'll figure this out together, my love. For now, just sleep."
I never slept better.