Breathe in, breathe out…I have to mentally tell myself, as I keep wanting to hold my breath for fear every exhale might be my last.
"McNally stay with me," I hear Sam say. I can't bare to respond. "Andy look at me," he demands.
I slowly lift my eyes until I am staring into his depths. Oh how I wish I can just drown in his soulful eyes right here and now, make love to him like nothing else in the world matters, but the complete fear I see displayed all over Sam's face reminds me of my immediate nightmare.
"Sam I'm scared." I manage to let loose these few words from my trembling lips.
"I know baby, it's going to be okay. Dov said Sue and the rest of the bomb squad are on their way."
With all the worries Sam has for me when we're working, a bomb never even crossed my mind. How did a routine welfare check on some children turn into what might very well be the last few moments of my life?
"Never saw this one coming did you Sam?" I try and say as lightheartedly as possible.
"Nope can't say that I did. Gun shot wounds, high speed chases, but definitely not this McNally. You sure know how to spin a situation." I can tell my fiancé is trying to keep my spirits up.
Just 30 short minutes ago we were knocking on the front door. Within a few seconds we hear children crying and someone yelling COPS! People start running out the back door and jumping through the windows. Sam kicks open the door and I follow him inside. The house was deplorable. Trash and other debris were strewn about the house. Dirty dishes with rotten food were just not in the kitchen sink but on the floors surrounded by a sticky substance. I hear the sound of my shoes resisting the urge to become permanent fixtures on the sickening excuse of a floor.
I'm almost out the back door about to catch up with one of the suspects when I hear the sound every police officer dreads. The scared screams of children. I know that Sam hears it too because he stops moving immediately and the perp he was wrestling with is able to break away from his grasp and jump through the nearby window.
Without a moments thought I head down the stairs to the screams awaiting us. There are several rooms and panic fills me when I realize I'm not sure which room the children are in. I take my chances when I head left into a red lit room. Instantly I realize what this room is made for. No, there are not any children in this small pungent smelling space. Instead I see the full remnants of a meth lab. I turn to run out of the room, in search of the cries when I stumble on a box. I lose my footing but I'm able to catch myself. I take one step when I hear it, and I'm frozen in time.
I can hear Sam yelling for me, wondering why I did not follow him. He's calming down what sounds like two little boys. "Wait here," I hear him say. Within seconds he comes around the corner and stops dead in his tracks.
"McNally?" Sam asks hesitantly. I don't respond. I'm staring at my feet since they are standing on top of a hidden bomb.
Being brought back to the present I hear someone calling my name. I look up and see the forever smiling face of Sue. "Hey, tough night I see."
"You're funny. How about you get me out of here?" This isn't a question and Sue can tell I'm close to losing control. I look over at Sam and I can tell he is ready to crawl out of his skin. I know all he wants is to reach out and pull me to him.
"Okay Sam, you've done a great job bringing the children to safety and making sure Andy stays calm and doesn't trigger the explosive. Now I need to you vacate the premises and wait outside like everyone else," Sue states very directly.
"No chance in hell am I leaving her."
"Sam," I say.
"No McNally, I'm not going to wait outside and not know every thing that is happening to you right now".
"Baby, please," I plead with him. He starts to shake his head. "Just listen, I'am barely holding on. Every bit of me is fighting the urge to keep from shaking right now for fear of what might happen. If I know you're safe outside it will be a relief to me. I will come back to you."
"Forget it." Turning to Sue "let's get this done".
We can see trying to convince him is a moot point right now. The only thing that we accomplished in the last two minutes is that I forgot I am standing on what could be my coffin.
Turning to me Sue grabs the sand bag that will hopefully be saving my life tonight. "Okay Andy I'm going to slowly slide this between your legs. When I tell you to, I want you to grab both of Sam's hands and slowly take two steps."
My breathing starts to become ragged and I start to panic. I'm running a risk of hyperventilating as Sue starts to slide the bag in.
"McNally I want you to focus on nothing else but me right now," my love tells me.
I take a deep breath and nod yes. I hear Sue give me the signal and I slowly reach out to Sam's already waiting hands. When our flesh finally meets it's like coming home. A breath escapes me and I know we are going to make it. Sam gently smiles at me knowing exactly how I feel. One step, then the second step. As the flat of my heels finally make contact with the hard cement I brace for the impact that never comes. My heart rate slowly starts to settle. A cry escapes Sam as he wraps me in the warmest embrace. It's as if I'm swimming in warm velvet.
Turning to Sue, we can't help but hug her.
"Thank you," I say.
"You're welcome."
Sam can't form any words and I see he's overcome with emotion. How's that for a spin on the situation. He acts tough throughout this whole ordeal and then when I'm okay he looks like he's ready to fall apart.
Sue reaches out and grabs Sam's hand. "I know, it's okay." Four simple words but they mean so much to him. "Now take her and get out."
Without hesitating Sam pulls me to him once again. We head swiftly out the door and up the stairs to the life I was afraid I would never be able to live again. We reach the front door and immediately the cheering begins, except for one person. I see Dov looking scared, knowing the battle has just begun for his girlfriend."
As we walk across the street the rest of the bomb squad begin their trek into their own private war zone. Suddenly the sound is deafening and I fall to the ground. I'm not sure if Sam pushed me or if it was from the blast, but I can feel the weight of him on top of me. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. I know when the chaos ends; we have lost one of our own.