For those of you had this on alerts and are expecting the next chapter, I am sorry to say that this is not it. I am rewriting this one (much to the joy of several of my IRL friends), as no one is a bigger critic of how I wrote it before than me. So I sat down and asked myself, do I want to write KY fluff or something dark as hell? Well between there being better KY fluff writers out there, and my Asuka fic that I'm rather pleased with, I've decided to start this one again. So here it is, in the M section, because I don't know how dark I'll make it, and the lenience to swear is attractive to me, so there's a possibility that characters will be a little spotty, but it happens when characters suffer through hard times. I've also since read all the Haruhi books released, so if you haven't, Sasaki is not an original character (Wiki her or something if you don't believe me XD). Anyways, enjoy!

I'm famous for putting the blame on others.

Nagato, Asahina, but most of all, that bastard Koizumi. They are all large reasons as to how I am right now, sitting on the roof of an apartment building, smoking another cigarette.

I grew into it, smoking that is. I picked it up about halfway through my last year of high school, secretly in an open windowed SOS Brigade room or with Taniguchi and Kunikida on the school roof.

By that time in the year, Brigade activities had slowed, and hanging out in the same club room had gotten ridiculously boring.

Nagato would go off to mess around with computers, probably contributing to advances in technology on an everyday basis.

Koizumi had joined some kind of theatre group, probably enjoying the amount of boys that were also a part of it while the girls enjoyed him. (I could never figure him out.)

Asahina had graduated already, picking up some full time job. She hadn't left the time plane, but I never saw her, as she never came to visit.

And Haruhi, beside's meeting with all of them plus me on our open days (which I had an abundance of), had gotten herself re-involved in all sorts of clubs that she had tried during her first year of high school.

While she was off getting all kinds of scholarships and other achievements, I would sit in the club room with Ryoko Asakura and, since she was in the room more than Koizumi or Asahina, Nagato would often also be there.

I know what it sounds like, but I came to terms with someone who tried to kill me.

It started about midway through my second year, I was finally getting into all the adventures and crazy events. This was also about the time Haruhi was at a peak for her imagination. I couldn't help but appreciate the magic she created and eventually, it led to me telling her so.

It didn't exactly work out. We drifted apart a bit, but still kept up the charade of the brigade from time to time.

The year finished awkwardly with Haruhi Suzumiya, as Sasaki had put it, hearing the whole story. I had started meeting with her more, but don't get the wrong idea. When you're in love with god, it gets hard to think about other girls that way. If you don't believe that, then settle for the idea that I wasn't ready to openly get shut down again.

The strange thing is, Sasaki and I would sit around and just talk, similar to how we used to. Talk about whatever, it didn't matter. It was refreshing, but not the same as facing down a mystery. Was Haruhi jealous this whole time? Possibly and hopefully, a small slice of my petty revenge.

Getting back to my last point, when Asakura mysteriously transferred back from "Canada" at the beginning of third year (She actually does know a lot about that country though) I noticed something different about her and I decided the first thing I would do was talk to her. Apparently her radical branch of the Data Integration Thought Entity had been assimilated into another. The possibility of a large explosion of data was much more unlikely with Haruhi's decreased state (which I was told was all my fault), therefore eliminating the need for such a radical group.

We became friends, although sometimes I questioned her motives, and we could be seen together a lot. But again, we were just friends talking about things she didn't understand or thoughts I wanted to put into words. Ironically, the first things we discussed death. I found this was infinitely rewarding to both of us and I pray after that long conversation she understands why not to kill someone. Eventually we moved on to other topics, emotion and human nature among other things, which was about when Nagato started joining in.

I had regular conversations with two aliens.

This was possibly the only reason I got my mystery deprived self through the last year of high school. That, and telling Asakura how Taniguchi feels about her. There are memories of year three that I don't want to remember, but that one was kind of heartwarming. I had heard she had approached him soon after and they had some sort of rendevous, none of my business though.

However, after graduation, I lost touch with Asakura and Taniguchi, but I'm sure they're doing just fine. If you're wondering, I never told him she's an alien, but I hope she takes a picture of his reaction if she ever gets the courage to tell him.

As for me, I wasn't left with a lot of options after graduation, my mother said that I had to either go to school or get a job, neither of which I did, so I ended up moving in with Nagato in her apartment.

It was sort of pitiful, living off of her, the two of us in perpetual existence. Haruhi had gone to study abroad, and I had no idea where she ended up. Koizumi had ended up somewhere that I didn't care about, as graduation day had been a breaking point for us, and Asahina had returned to the future the day directly after our graduation without even a goodbye.

To say I felt contempt for the way they left things would be an understatement. Nagato might be the exception to this, as she was still around, nursing my inadequacies. I also still saw Sasaki, but our relationship had taken an overly adult turn.

Which leads me to here, sitting on the roof of Nagato's apartment, chain smoking and star gazing. I haven't changed a lot in the three years since graduation. I'm just a little paler from the smoking, I always have chapped lips, and I've lost some weight.

No big deal.

I watched the smoke rise toward the night sky, and a part of me appreciated all of it. Everything in existence. But another part of me thought it was fucking cold out, and decided it was almost time to head back inside.

It was just then that the door to the roof opened, and Nagato stepped out into the cold. She wore regular clothes now, nothing too flashy, but just right for her size, which had actually grown noticeably in the six years I've known her.

I regained a comfortable sitting position and fiddled with my pack until my sixth cigarette of this sitting found its way to my hand. I offered her one, which she shook her head at.

Suit yourself.

She always shook her head, but I still always asked.

We sat there in the cold night for a while before I finally spoke.

Nagato, what am I doing? I asked her, exasperated.

"You are sitting on the roof of our apartment smoking multiple cigarettes in a row and observing the night sky." Her bluntness seemed far too harsh to me, and I struggled to not get frustrated with her.

No, I mean…fuck…I mean, what am I doing with my life? I tried desperately to reiterate my question, but found it just as uselessly profound.

"You wake in the late morning, eat the breakfast I prepare, then go about your business, whether it's reading, writing or going to Sasaki's, before eventually returning, either the same day or another, to do it again." There was the smallest hint of malice in her voice, a near unnoticeable change in her tone when she said Sasaki's name. This did nothing to alleviate my growing anger.

You know, why don't you just say 'nothing'? My voice started to raise. Why don't you just tell me I've done fuck all with my life for three years now waiting for some magical girl to come back that's never coming back!

Nagato did nothing but stare at me, but I continued to yell at her.

You told me you care right?!

I don't really know why I was getting mad at her, but I continued anyways.

Why don't you tell me how much of a fucking idiot I am for letting her get away and now dwelling on it?! Why not tell me about how much you seemingly die everyday watching me accomplish nothing but to kill myself further! Because now's the fucking time!

Nagato hadn't flinched in the slightest, and I finally regained control.

I took a few deep breaths, then a few drags, and found myself in an awkward situation. While her expression hadn't changed, Nagato had two lines of tears running down her face.

I couldn't say anything, I had already said too much.

I finished off my cigarette and walked off the roof, down to the apartment that we share.

After fixing myself a drink from Nagato's endless supply, I feebly made my way to the living room and collapsed under the kotatsu. Nagato had not returned from the roof, and I wondered redundantly why she hadn't.

I downed my first drink in several struggling gulps and went to make myself another one. I repeated this process until I couldn't see my hands and eventually fell asleep in the comfort of the heated table.

In the morning, I woke up in the late morning, just like Nagato said I always do. Speaking of her, she was asleep beside me. There was also another glass beside mine on the table, telling me this was one of the rare times Nagato drank herself to sleep as well.

I remember a time, a while back, when Nagato was completely immune to the effects of alcohol. That was, however, before she was all but stripped of her omnipotent powers. Since an incident near the end of the first year of high school, her powers have slowly diminished. The kicker here is that it has all been her choice. Was this my fault? Probably.

I wouldn't exactly call her human, but she's definitely closer to it than when I first met her. However, this is where the problem lies.

It's strange and awkward to wake up next to Nagato naked, especially after yelling at her for no good reason the night before. I don't know where she gets the ideas from, but I didn't like it.

And while living with her is probably the easiest option for me, it has its short comings.

After all the conversations we had during third year, Nagato started being interested in love and things like that. I did my best to explain, but I didn't really have a good experience to go off of.

I think she looks at my relationship with Sasaki and thinks that's love, but I can't seem to get it through to her that it is not. She certainly doesn't look at my past relationship with Haruhi and think that's love, for which I am glad.

I am not glad, however, with having to deal with her haphazard advances, such as this one. After all the time we spent together, I just don't look at her like that.

Her lack of human upbringing is the main reason I would blame, but I knew that it was really all my fault. She had probably looked back on every nice thing I had ever said to her, and wondered how that worked into what we had discussed.

I don't really claim to know what love is, I just knew that taking all your frustration out on someone wasn't it, and this wasn't the first time. Sorry Nagato.

In all honesty, I detest talking about it, so I'll stop.

Anyways, with an expression one has while taking out the trash, I moved Nagato's slender arm off me and made for the shower, before dressing in my room and heading out the door.

I figured Nagato was awake the second I started to move her, but she hadn't moved an inch in the time I spent to get ready. Was she embarrassed or unsure what to do next?

I cursed my own inadequacies and insecurities. I hope you find someone to make you happy Nagato.

I left the apartment building and took out my cell phone.

I called Sasaki, knowing full well where I would end up.

"Hello?" her voice had an airy quality about it

It's me. I answered dully, but I had found some comfort in her voice.

"Morning, what's up?" she said, her voice more attentive.

I had to get out of my apartment, want to go for breakfast or something?

"Breakfast out? Or breakfast at my place?" she asked expectantly.

Doesn't matter.

Silence at the other end of the line was followed by:

"I don't think you understood what I asked…" she trailed off.

My stomach growled and I knew the right answer.

The restaurant across from the station then.

"Ah, alright, see you there." She sounded slightly crestfallen, but agreed nonetheless.

"You know, I love you." She said after a second pause.

I considered the connotations of the word before simply saying:

You too.

And I hung up and immediately lit a cigarette.

The weather was rainy, which was completely fine with me. It reminded me of closed space and I imagined everyone in their own little worlds. It also reminded me of several other things. Koizumi top among them, but that time with Haruhi in closed space had a special place in my mind.

I shook my head out, however, as I don't like remembering Koizumi.

I never could figure him out.

Until it was too late to stop anything that is.

I guess he always knew what love was, he was doted on by possibly every girl in our year, and a good deal of the younger ones. And yet it never phased him.

I always figured he didn't get involved with them because of Haruhi, either that he was interested in her or that he couldn't play his role as the mysterious transfer student in her eyes if he had a girlfriend.

Turns out it was something entirely different.

He had asked me to meet him on graduation day, and I had complied.

When we met up, just before the ceremony, he had confessed everything to me, and told me how he was sad we had drifted away during our last year, and told me how he felt in concerns to me.

I was more than shocked.

I would consider myself an open minded person, but it seems that's only when it doesn't directly involve me, or I have no choice in the matter.

When I said nothing, he started to get angry. With what, I'm not entirely sure, maybe himself, maybe me. All I know is the look in his eyes changed from the look I was so familiar with.

He had stopped acting and pretending, and this is where it got him.

I haven't talked to him since, or heard anything of him.

I'm glad for that, I still don't know if I can deal with him now that I know.

My attention returned to the world and I found myself in front of the restaurant I had agreed to meet Sasaki at. I ditched my third cigarette of the walk and entered.

After a brief wait, I had gotten a table, and after another brief wait, Sasaki had arrived.

Hey.

"Morning." She said, her smile enigmatic.

I thought for a second what she was possibly thinking about, but decided best to leave it alone, and didn't ask her anything until she asked me:

"Did you wait long?"

No.

And the waitress took our drink order. I took a black coffee and she took a coffee with cream and sugar.

"So why'd you have to get out of your apartment?" she asked, much to my dismay. I was hoping she wouldn't say anything about it, and I had been kicking myself for ever using that line of phrasing.

Nagato had some guy over. I lied.

"Oh." She simply said, surprised. "Well that's good I guess."

I guess. I agreed, glad she believed me.

The waitress brought our drinks and after she left I got up the nerve to ask Sasaki what I had been thinking about since getting off the phone with her.

Do you even know the meaning of that word? I asked, trying not to sound agitated.

"Huh?" she asked, either unsure what I was referring to or playing dumb.

I took a dramatic second to recollect myself.

You said you loved me.

"I knew what you meant, I was playing dumb to try and get you to drop it." She said, confirming my suspicions. She was good at messing around with the flow of a conversation whenever she wanted. I wasn't sure if I enjoyed that or disliked it.

Well what's your answer? I huffed slightly. Think back, I didn't really want to hear her answer, but I knew she deserved that much.

She stared at me like a normal person would have looked at someone proposing the "Final Solution" before finally answering.

"If you were to put me on the spot, I would have to say that you're the one that showed me the meaning of it." She started before taking a drink of the coffee she ordered. "I mean, I never thought about it at all before I met you, not even very much then. When we started hanging out again in high school, you had changed. You seemed to know about things I was never interested in, and I guess that got me interested in them."

Great, another person corrupted by my inadequate knowledge of anything that matters. Is what I thought, but I decided to respect her emotions instead, potentially misguided as they were.

That sounds like a nicely prepared answer. Was the best I could come up with however.

Now she looked at me trying to figure out if I was attempting to hurt her, or just being candid.

"I just thought of it now I guess, looking at you." A smile played across her face as she mused with the idea of that.

"Also, when I talked about you to some of my high school friends about how we used to spend time together in middle school, they thought we were together." She looked at me, trying to find signs of life.

However, I had gotten tired of talking about it.

Let's just go to your place. I suggested boldly.

"Okay." She answered simply before developing a knowing smile over the few seconds of silence before we took out change for the drinks.

We left the restaurant and it was still raining outside, people hurrying under their umbrellas, each one in their own closed space.

We shared her umbrella across the street, and went into the station. Taking the train, we eventually ended up at her house.

Well there we have it. The rewritten beginning. Anyone questioning my use of Sasaki can easily be sedated by the fact that there are next to none (if any) fics involving her. At least as far as I've seen. Also, in the books, Kyon's speech is rarely if ever blessed with "" marks, so no bringing that up, as I copied that format. Anyways, my usual thanks for reading.To answer several questions some readers have already asked me:
-Yes, I had Yuki cry, but she got over it. She's naive that way.
-If Sasaki's part(s) seem rushed, that's intentional, as I figure he beats around the bush with every other issue (Koizumi and Nagato being good examples) but when it comes to her, he tries to keep things simple
-Kyon isn't emo, just lost in his quarter life crisis
-There won't be any "Sprite" (lemons/limes)
Again thanks for reading, all reviews are welcome as I'll get less attention in the M section. Till next time.