"Nobody will ever love you!"
Were the words I heard my own father say to me. Although I was his son, just as much as my brothers were, I meant nothing to him. He kept telling me I wasn't meant to be born. I was never wanted by him. He despises this woman whom he calls my "mother", a different one from my brother's own.
From the twelve years of my life up till that day, I suspected as much, but not as harsh as he put it. There were so many instances of his foul emotions towards me, but, as a child, you'd never suspect it of your own father. Although he was opaque towards my brothers as well, he was much more towards me. I could tell for as long as I remember. How when I gazed up at him, his eyes gleamed with a spark of contempt. I didn't know what such actions were at that soft, young age, but I now know it as loathing. My own father loathed me.
My brothers weren't home that day. The two of them had been sent out on a few errands. It was all a plan hatched by him. If they had been there, maybe, just maybe…
For days, weeks, months, our conversation echoed in my head. I couldn't face him. I couldn't look him in the eye. I couldn't tell my brothers in fear he would destroy what little I had left in me. I couldn't do a single thing. This is what he wanted. And he was getting it.
For a year, I looked over my life thus far, wondering where I could have swayed his hatred towards me. What could I've done better? I should I have not done? Was I really better off…?
After that year had passed, I guess I could say I improved. But it was more that I got better at pretending. His words never ceased to not shake me. His presence made not only my skin crawl, but my stomach twist and turn into knots of fear and dread. It was something I hardly learned enough to overcome when I asked of him to send me to a Pokemon Connoisseur school. He was, to say the least, astounded that I even spoke to him. All he spouted at me were words such as selfish, ungrateful, stupid, and the list goes on and on. If it wasn't for my brothers overhearing, I would have never gone and never became a Pokemon Connoisseur. Nor would they have ever found out what he had said to me a year ago.
And that day, I also learned that our father wasn't very kind to the two of them either. Cress was put down for his feminine, although hard to tell, behavior. Chili was treated like a mutt and scolded for some things as normal as being himself. But as the both of them agreed and told me, that was far from being as grave as my situation.
Since that day, I felt the safest I had in what seemed a long time. I felt that I was closer than ever to my brothers. They applied to the Pokemon Connoisseur academy with me and went until our father left. They went on to take over the management of the gym and the restaurant, later to bring me in once I reached A-Class at a record-breaking speed.
With him gone, I finally felt I was able to breathe. I wasn't afraid to live in my own home anymore. My brothers and I felt like we were finally a true family. Our memories became filled with the good we had been missing for most of our childhood. I truly felt that this was the real me. The boy that was trapped inside me for years had finally emerged. I was free.
But life proved me wrong.
Around our second year of being gym leaders, we had drawn what some would call a fanbase. Girls of our age and younger had become a peculiar type of enamoured with us three. It had started out small, but it was Chili's persistence that caused it to grow. I have to say, it was quite the odd feeling having young ladies all head-over-heels for me. It was something that rose heat to my cheeks, but Chili's "Just act cool! Chicks dig cool guys!" spiel echoed in my head till I became a natural at it-or so I thought I was.
During that time, I had fooled myself. It wasn't me that they were falling for. It was the guy that I was pretending to be. But I was such a fool, that it wasn't till I made the mistake of taking up the offer of a date from one of them that I came to realize this.
"I thought you were a cool guy, but you're just plain weird!"
My heart had shattered into a million pieces on the spot. The trains, the mystery, the food, the movies… All of it. All of it was too weird for her. And the rest of the girls. After that, I watched as the girls that had been a fan of me widdle into a handful. For a time, I despised this thing called "romance". That girl, who spread the word about the true me, had been my first. I never had been on any sort of date with a girl before than and I was certain that one was the last.
I was stable enough to keep the facade on for another year. I was able to tone down myself enough to be an acceptable person out in public. And for that time, I thought it was working. I saw my group of friends grow around me. I felt I was becoming a likable person.
It wasn't till I met those two kids that it was shown to me. Ash and Iris…
I kept on my persona for a time at the beginning of our friendship, that would grow through our journey together. When I realized that the two of them were odd people themselves, I became more open to them. I started out with my ever-so-strong love for fishing, talking about the right way to fish and about my very own custom rod and lure. Although with this and my many other passions, Iris wasn't too keen on my eagerness to tell, but Ash's interest and excitement enticed me into showing more of myself to them. And with time, Iris, too, was supportive of me.
Departing from them to go on with our own separate journeys was a tough one. The two of them had grown onto me. Although I had many other friends, like Ingo, Emmet and some friends back home in Striaton, these two were truly my bestest of friends. And I could see in there eyes that it was the same for them, too.
I had a hard time being on my own in a whole new region to me. I found myself texting and sending emails that night I arrived in Hoenn. To Ash and Iris. To my brothers. Though I knew that they were out there and that they cared for me, I brought myself down to tears. My messages weren't worth reading since it was just mindless blabber. Knowing that I had sent them made me curl up more. I felt like an absolute wreck, a completely messed-up, burnt dish.
But a response appearing on my phone screen halted my sobbing in its tracks.
The first one was from Ash.
"I feel that way too. I already miss you and Iris so much. I really wished we have all traveled a bit longer. But don't you remember? The fishing tournament! That sounds like a lot of fun! Maybe one day we can participate in one together. Hopefully not one that's not Team Rocket's in disguise haha! Don't worry, we'll meet again someday. I promise! Best wishes!"
Immediately after I finished reading, a message came in from Iris.
"I know, I wanted to travel together longer too! But all good things have to come to an end, you know. We all have to say goodbye to the people we care about the most to keep on living. And it's not because those people are bad, of course. It's because we know that even if they aren't there with us, that's okay! I'll still carry and hold onto the bonds you, Ash and I share for years to come. Don't be afraid to stop by and visit the Village of Dragons when I'm home! Best wishes, Cilan!"
Just as I was about to respond to my first message, I received an email from Cress.
"It's only been a few days since Chili and I came to visit you on Paladin Island and we already miss you so much! I was honestly shocked that you considered coming home with us back to Striaton. There's still so much out there for you to learn! I would never forgive myself if we kept you from achieving your dream. Oh, how much I would love for the three of us to be together again, running the gym together; however, we need to learn that one day, we'll be clear across Unova or the globe from one another. But there's nothing that will get between us and our bonds together as brothers. So go on. Take your time discovering the world. You're going to be an S-Class Pokemon Connoisseur one day. There's never nothing for you to learn. Just know that your room is right where you left it and ready for you when you come home. Please do take care of yourself, brother. Love you."
As if on cue, an email came in from Chili.
"Don't get so mushy like that, bro! You're going to make me cry in front of Cress! But seriously though, I agree with you all the way. I have to admit, without you there with us at the gym, things were so off for months and it got me all cranky. Sure, that's a fact of life that we'll be apart from each other from time to time, but you're our brother, Cilan! I love being able to call someone as unique and original as you my brother! Don't you dare ever change on us! And if anyone tries to, I'll be there, lighting them on fire! I love you, bro! Have fun out there, but please come home some time. I want the three of us to be together again soon!"
The tears that I thought had stopped came rushing out. But this time, with a good reason and a smile on my face. For almost an hour, I couldn't stop happily crying. It took me so much time to relax into the hotel mattress and breathe. I couldn't find any other reason for my outburst other than that I was so elated over the kind words of my friends and family.
And that night, I slept like a baby and woke up feeling like a new person.
From then on out, I was myself, without a care in the world. I rejoiced in celebration of my original flavor every day. I let the whole world know who I was and what I loved. I was so comfortable with myself that I finally realized that, alongside knowledge, this is what I need to be to be a better Pokemon Connoisseur.
I'm now an S-Class Pokemon Connoisseur, one of a small handful in the world. I wear my badge with pride and honor. I'm more than grateful to serve every Pokemon and trainer. I am proud to be who I am. And I wouldn't be there if it wasn't for them: my friends and family.
Nowadays, I have something in my life that I never imagined I would have years ago. Someone special to me that I love and that loves me back. Oh, do I love the way she cups my cheeks, grins and says:
"I love you,"