"The Sports Gag which Kuroko does"
-FrozenSapphire66
Summary: In an effort to widen their fandom Seirin basketball club joins up with the players of the Generation of Miracles. Their objective: compete in every possible sport that's not basketball. Kuroko faints. Chaos ensues.
Rating: T
Genre: General, Humor
Characters: Kuroko T.
Warnings: (N/A)
Disclaimer: This is a disclaimer. That fact makes me sad.
A/N: This is a pilot for an upcoming story.
I remember reading somewhere (Tumblr, I believe) about a fellow "Kuroko no Basuke" fan who, about a year ago, had to beg their friends to read this amazing series. Their response had apparently been "A sports gag manga?" or something along those lines.
The story stuck to my brain for a whole day. Coincidentally, the same day I was thinking about volleyball (which is my "focus" in PE right now) and the lack of good volleyball manga. My next thought was obviously "What if the characters from KnB tried playing other sports?"
I guess I was also pretty annoyed about Kise disrespecting the amazing sport of soccer by describing it as "simple". This is my revenge on him.
In short, this is a crack-fic filled with our favorite characters, juvenile humor and underlining of the glaring truths behind "Kuroko no Basuke". Obviously, I take advice and suggestions. Fasten your seatbelt. Ladies, gentlemen: this is Frozen Sapphire presenting "Kuroko no Sports gag"…
EDIT (09/17/12): This chapter has now been edited and proofread by the authoress. Still awaiting further editing by a second party (requesting a beta reader).
Prologue
The squeaking of sneakers against polished hardwood floors, accompanied by the uneven thuds of basketballs and the occasional swoosh of the net, sounded through the gym of Seirin High School. The position of the sun shining bleakly through the high windows told the time to be close to noon. Small particles of dust could be spotted floating in the air if one focused hard enough. The smell of rubber and perspiration tickled every nostril. It was a Saturday – and Seirin Basketball club's full-day practice.
Practice was hard; no overestimation here. First years and second years alike were huffing heavily for air, practice shirts clinging with sweat to every rippling muscle the fabric covered. The Seirin team captain, Hyuga Junpei, gave clear commands for his troops to follow, to which he received loud and clear responses. Even the team's pet dog and mascot on the sideline, Tetsuya #2, joined in with an occasional yelp.
Everyone was tripping on the brink of exhaustion, but was still giving their all – if not much, much more.
There was one thing that was common knowledge as much as a norm in Seirin Basketball club: always work hard, concentrate, push your limits, get your head in the game and don't ever think about slacking off – even when Coach isn't there.
"Come on, let's go! She can walk through those doors any second, and you want her to see you like this?! Get moving!"
Captain Hyuga knew very well he was helping his team in multiple ways by driving them this hard with his commands – and he was certainly helping himself. No man in his right mind stood fearless before Aida Riko. Unless, of course, he wanted to die a slow, agonizing death by working himself past his limits a fifty times over, to the point where his every muscle cell just committed suicide by overload. There would be pain and blood, sweat and tears. Even after the grueling death she would probably follow her "victim" into the afterlife in order to have them make up for the pushups they missed… times three.
As if every Seirin player had the same thought running through their head at that moment, a simultaneous shudder went through the room. Oh, the horror.
"Alright everyone, I want to run some plays!" Hyuga announced, momentarily stopping his players' movements. "First years on offence with Izuki, 2-3 zone defense. Kiyoshi takes the center; Kuroko, get some passes running!" A unified response met the captain's ears. He watched in satisfaction as his players took their positions on court, focus clearing their minds of distractions, and made to begin a composition of high-level shots and passes.
Izuki started a slow dribble and held his hand up to signal the attack. "Okay, let's get one basket!" the point guard announced, a game plan ready in his head as he passed the ball on to his right.
The squeaking continued at a fast pace as the ball was passed and dribbled for a while, plays both succeeding and failing against a though second year defense. Tension was building quickly on the court despite not being a real match. They were currently doing a cross-court play with a man-to-man defense, passes delivered at high speed through the offensive team. Even the captain couldn't hold in a surge of excitement as a flash of icy blue unexpectedly crossed the path of a well-aimed pass. Only the trained eye, used to this sort of intrusion, could catch the actual affiliation of the player in the split second he appeared.
In that split second, Phantom player Kuroko Tetsuya charged in to punch the ball in a spinning motion that would attain the form of the powerful ignite pass, aiming across half the court to where Kagami Taiga, team ace, would stand to receive it a second later, free to go for whatever dunk or layup he could muster.
Moreover, also occurring in that split second, the doors of the Seirin gym slammed open with the force of an angry thunderstorm. A female screech of both anguishing fear and overflowing excitement pierced through the dense tension air.
The scene changed dramatically. All movement stopped, but not before after Kuroko completed the preparations for the pass and launched it at something that must've been close to supersonic speed across the court. Kagami had also reached his position before the interruption abruptly caught his attention. Crimson eyes only got to apprehend the situation of the all too familiar Coach Aida rushing through the doors for a millisecond. Vaguely he caught a glint of crisp white paper in her hand before something fast, heavy and orange slammed into his inattentive face.
A loud and painful groan escaped the ace player as he sank to the hardwood floor, hands covering his nose, but wasn't spared a glance from any of the gym's occupants. His teammates were all focusing on their newly arrived coach, or tormenter depending on the outlook.
"It's here! It's really here!" she eventually exclaimed, making the Seirin players (with the exception of Kagami) tilt their heads in wonder.
Koganei, second year forward, scratched his cheek and brazenly stated his obvious confusion. "What? What's here…?"
A sigh escaped Izuki who put his hands on his hips in a slightly impatient fashion. "Who knows? But if it's got Coach this ecstatic it's either another super strict training menu… or a challenge for a practice match against a super strong school."
"No way…! Like we need even harder practices with what we've already got! I swear she's trying to have us killed!"
Kiyoshi Teppei chuckled slightly at the first years' despairing outburst, raising his hands in a defensive manner for the sake of his coach and good friend. "Guys, let's not speculate like that – Coach is the best at what she does and knows exactly how to handle us. And also, look," he explained with a genuine smile, pointing to the envelope in the ecstatic girl's hand. "It's probably a letter for us; how exciting!"
Catching on, the others soon shared an enthusiastic sort of wonderment. This had never really happened before. The captain also voiced his curiosity, adjusting his glasses and raising a sharp eyebrow as he did so. "So, just what is it, Coach?"
Pure mirth shone like stars through Riko's chocolate colored eyes as she giggled and winked mischievously at her players, holding the white paper up for them to see. The crisp color gleamed in the harsh light from the roof lamps.
"Well, this right here—" she started, but was immediately stopped by a roar of fury from somewhere to her right.
"…Fu' in' ri'iculous! Ku'oko, you ba'tard!" With that interjection a bloody nosed and red faced Kagami had limped his way over to the blank eyed boy in question and delivered a badly aimed left-hand punch to his face.
Although taken by surprise, Kuroko let his head roll with the punch and soon recovered while rubbing his sore cheek. "Ouch…That hurts."
Kagami seemed even more frustrated by the response, expressively throwing a clenched and bloodstained right hand to his side. "Somehow, the way you say that is really annoying…!"
A comment, to which the rest of the team simultaneously thought: "Doesn't he always say that?"
Mitobe gave a quiet sigh.
"Kagami-kun, you should try to cool down a little. If you're all fired up your amplified circulation will cause you to lose even more blood than you already have," Kuroko stated monotonously, staring fairly casually at his partner with his ever blank gaze.
Kagami growled dangerously. "That's not making it any better when you are the cause of this, bastard!"
Kuroko blinked. "I see. I apologize, then."
"That's not good enough! At least be less indifferent about it!"
"Understood; I apologize."
"Argh—you—"
"Geez, you two… stop it already!" Riko quickly stepped in, effectively stopping the murder that probably would've occurred soon enough. The team was quite used to the two's quarreling by then. It really seemed that the only thing they could actually agree on was basketball – in which they made a rather lethal duo. No one had a style that complimented the powerful offence of the team ace better than Kuroko's; however, nothing riled Kagami up more than the indifferent responses from his shadow and teammate, and Riko had a slight intuition that Kuroko was undoubtedly doing it on purpose… either that or he was slightly socially awkward in the field of conversational proficiency (which wouldn't be very peculiar either). An audible sigh of frustration escaped her. "Just… someone, please get Kagamidiot here fixed up so he can stop whining and let me explain what's in this envelope!"
With a loud and clear "Yes, Coach!" a couple of the first years went to grab the first aid kit from the locker room, as well as an excessive amount of paper towels.
A good few minutes later they were all finally seated around the area of the bench. Kagami had gotten some help from the first years and Kiyoshi fixing up his face and was relieved to be informed that his nose wasn't broken… but he still wore some white medicine tape tightly across his nose to keep it from bleeding again. Most of the paper towels he had been brought were already put to use.
Kuroko's cheek had suffered some minor bruising, but nothing major apart from that. He currently sported a tiny pack of ice pressed to his injured cheek. In conclusion, they both looked better than they could've had the fight gone on for much longer.
A small cough left the coach, inducing silence as the team turned in her direction. Pleased with the center of attention being back on her and her fantastic news, Riko smiled brightly at her team and held up the crisp envelope. "As I was saying, this here is… a letter!"
The expressions of the Seirin team revealed that every single one of them just did a mental face palm.
"W-Well, it's not just any letter," Riko hurriedly continued, straightening her skirt for a flat second. Then she looked up at her team once more, the excited gleam back at full force. "It's fan mail forwarded by the Author."
Everyone froze as soon as the last word left her mouth. A few gulps and gasps were audible among the boys. The next five seconds were filled with suffocating silence.
"Wait a second… fan mail? For us…?" Captain Hyuga was the one to break the silence.
Riko nodded, still smiling smugly despite his skeptical tone. "It's addressed to 'Kuroko no Basuke' at our address here at Seirin, so I'm pretty sure it's meant for us... or at least for Kuroko I'm guessing."
The light blue haired player in question pointed an inquisitive finger at his nose, to which Hyuga mumbled dryly, "You're supposed to be the main character. Don't act so surprised."
Riko continued. "It's actually just a question. I'll read it to you right now," she said, clearing her throat before opening the envelope and bringing out a neat, thrice-folded piece of paper. Petite fingers quickly unfolded it, and she began. "Dear cast of 'Kuroko no Basuke'… Basketball is very important to you, but it must get boring in the long run. Have you ever considered playing another sport? That would be very amusing!"
A moment of silence passed.
"Is… that it?" Koganei cautiously asked, halfway expecting some form of a death threat at the bottom of the letter. None came.
Surprisingly, Kuroko took the word next, having given a thoughtful blank look in the direction of the floor. Slowly, he spoke. "No, I can't say I have."
The Seirin team snapped their heads in his direction, giving him enquiring looks in response to his straight answer.
Kuroko shrugged. "I love basketball."
His reply was a smack to the back of his head by an irritated Kagami. "We already know that, idiot… The letter just doesn't make any sense!"
"That hurts, as well," Kuroko mumbled, raising his head again. "I thought it would be polite to answer the question. It seemed very genuine."
A growl rumbled low in Kagami's throat, but Kiyoshi quickly evaded another illogical argument between the two by changing the subject. "It's true, what Kagami said, though. It really doesn't make sense for the Author to forward something like this to us without a reason. Coach, are you sure there isn't anything else?"
In a haughty fashion Riko flipped a few strands of her short hazelnut hair, dramatically exaggerating a sigh. "Boys: such simple minded beings," she chided softly, smiling knowingly at her players. "It's basically right there in two words!"
"Uh… 'Basketball' and 'important'…?" second year Tsuchida tried.
"No. Not those," Riko answered, face slipping into a mischievous smirk now. "It's in 'boring' and 'amusing', idiots. Honestly, how can you not see this?"
A small glint flashed through Kuroko's endlessly blue eyes. "Ah. I see."
"W-What? You see what?" Koganei tried, not quite catching on to what was going on.
Kiyoshi smiled and nodded too. "Yes… when you put it in such a context, it makes sense."
Mitobe agreed with a quiet nod.
Once again, Koganei expressed his perplexity. He wasn't alone about it, as the other first years, as well as Tsuchida, seemed as if left to throw passes in the dark. Running out of patience, Kagami sighed in frustration. "Kuroko, you… just say it already."
Kuroko nodded curtly, turning to the team. "It seems like the readers want to see us fail at something that isn't basketball, for their own amusement."
A few seconds of silence were followed by the players' loud disapprovals, while Riko seemed quite content with the answer she received.
"Yup!" she smiled, waving the letter back and forth in front of them. "That's exactly it. The Author is obviously telling us that we need to give more fan service and keep the fan base growing. One way to do that is answering questions and trying out fan requests. So what we're going to do—"
"We're doing a sports gag?!" Koganei interrupted loudly, the team's eyes widening comically.
"More or less," Riko responded nonchalantly, shrugging her shoulders ever so slightly. "Well, as coach and the daughter of a pro-sports trainer, I've obviously already thought this out and made some arrangement. I've even contacted the Generation of Miracles to come participate with u—"
Movement by the door caught her eye.
Riko fumed dangerously, "Hey, Kuroko! Where the hell do you think you're going?!"
Kuroko, already halfway across the threshold, stared back with blank eyes. "I have a feeling this isn't going to be a very pleasant experience."
"That's a lame excuse!" the rest of the team accused.
"You're the main character, for crying out loud – so quit disappearing all the time and start acting your role!" Riko scolded, crossing her arms impatiently at the phantom player. "Seriously, this guy…"
The first year players looked on in a mix between amusement and boredom. An insignificant resentment found their voices. "Huh… all the people this series is about and he was chosen as the main character," first year #1 (Furihata) commented, to which first year #2 (Kawahara) agreed.
"Yeah, it might as well have been 'The Basketball which the Generation of Miracles plays', or even 'Kagami no Basuke'…"
"Mhm, that might be so…" Kiyoshi smiled friendly from their left, his voice seemingly reflecting genuine wonder. However, then he turned his smile tauntingly to the crimson haired ace player. "…If a certain someone had scored a bit better on the popularity polls, that is."
Kagami's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying I couldn't have been the main character? 'Coz I bet you damn well I could!"
"No, that's not what I'm implying at all," Kiyoshi defended, friendly smile still gleaming on his content face. "I fully believe you could've pulled it off as a main character… I just don't believe you'd be a very popular one."
"What was that?!"
"You're just… too main stream."
Kuroko's trademark deadpan look was present as he made an interjection. "I see… so that conclusion makes me a 'hipster', then."
Silence filled the gym once more as various Seirin players tried to process the mental picture of a "Hipster Kuroko".
Kiyoshi laughed uneasily. "More or less, though I'd rather describe you as… quite ordinarily abnormal."
"Fans like that, I suppose. Strange beings: fans. Anime fans: even stranger beings," Izuki mumbled, more to himself than anyone.
The coach sighed dramatically. "Geez, I can't believe you guys… We're totally off topic right now! Just let me finish what I started, already!" Finally back in the spotlight, the team quiet both out of fear and respect, Riko started where she left of. "Well then… I've already gotten some more popular characters to join us – not to say that you guys are not popular. You're just not… as favored as them… except for Kuroko, maybe." Kagami snorted at this. "So, since we're going on break I've got a program running through the next few days… maybe even for a week, if this goes well, and we're starting… today!"
An outburst of disbelief met the ridiculous claim. Riko seemed to be beyond herself with happiness.
"Yes, you heard me! I've already rented a place for us to do this, and our bus is outside waiting for us!"
…To which she got an even louder chorus of groans and complaints. Despite the magnitude of the objections, nothing seemed to bring her down from her high seat of determination and joy. No matter what Seirin Basketball club had to say to their defense it was quickly shut down by their unstoppable, petrifying tormentor in the skin of a sweet High School girl. They were doing a sports gag; end of story.
Kuroko stared on quietly. "This really isn't going to be a very pleasant experience."
Tetsuya #2 barked in response. It couldn't have said it better itself.
A/N: Thank you for reading the pilot. When I finish the next two chapters I'll start proofreading and posting. Suggestions for sports you want to see your favorite characters try and miserably fail in are welcome, as well as specific things you think they will successfully accomplish… or successfully fail at. Until next time,
-Miss Frozen
Next up is Q1: Ready, set! Volleyball