Bleeding Myself White
I could almost taste her, feel her, and touch her as if she was right there beside me. Yet, I knew when I wake up, it would all drift away: the sensation of being able to be with her in my dreams. I closed my eyes as I lay on my bed, thinking of how much I had missed her brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. I felt as if the bed was going to swallow me whole, and I had no objection to that, as the days bleed together. I wanted to loose my existence into that alternate world where everything would be perfect. It would be my sweet escape, where she and I would only exist in our happily ever after. It's so hard to see when my eyes are rolling in the back of my head. It's even harder to speak when everything I have said just comes out wrong. Gutted like a pig, all I want is the world to bleed. All because of the one girl who I had left.
I opened my eyes, thinking of how many mistakes I had committed in my life, but nothing as bad as this.
Leaving Bella Swan was the worst mistake I had committed in my entire life. I could feel the torment on the lips of a loved one. And I knew if I try hard enough, I could almost taste her, feel her pass. However, the only result would be a scream, "OH GOD, WHY ME!"
However, I slowly became worse as someone somewhere stole my desire the pain akin to being punched in the throat and stabbed in the chest. I had been cutting myself, trying to release the emotion that had been cooped and bunched up inside of me. I realized that I would rather bleed than be without her. Bleed, I want to bleed myself white. I want to take away my life. Yet, why couldn't taking one's life away be so difficult? Why would it be so difficult to leave behind so many people who love you, but for different reasons?
What is gone are the tender whispers dancing in my ears, replaced with lackluster memories I cry about. My screams play in my empty room, echoing in the desolate room. I want to cry my heart out, but would that be manly? Also, counting the fact that I proposed to another woman definitely does not help. Tanya, her name, with her strawberry blonde hair and innocent eyes, I didn't have the heart to reject her. But what puzzled me was when I had the heart to propose to her. Even more was when she said yes, and when she set a date for our marriage.
As I thought of what it feels to touch and fondle Bella, the less I thought of Tanya and our marriage plans. All I could think was what harm I did to Bella on that fateful day when we broke up. All I could think was how I wanted to bleed; I wanted the world to bleed. I always screamed alone, and I felt alone, miserably alone.
As I remember the olden days where I caressed and fondled my Bella, I realized how much I miss of her. I realized that life had taken for the best or worst. I realized that not even crying or screaming can bring my Bella back to me. And I knew I could never go back to her. Why was it so difficult?
One day, I go cry in my room. The next day I would come out laughing hysterically. The only people who knew my true pain were the people in my family, and there were devastated and had no life in them. They saw me lifeless without my soul. I had enclosed my heart when Bella and I drifted apart for the last time we would ever see together.
Yet I knew something was going to happen. And I realized that that was my marriage. It didn't matter to whom, but my marriage was going to happen. Who, I thought, was going to be my bride? I knew that even though I proposed to Tanya, there were other eligible women out there, and yet, I could only come up with one. Bella.
It was as simple as counting one, two, three or one plus one is two. It was simple; I would propose to Bella, finding her whatever it takes. And dumping Tanya for the love of my life. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to a brilliant solution. There were so many contradictions to this plan. I didn't know where Bella was, who she was with, or even, who she loved now. When I realized that Bella could be in the arms of another man, other than me, I felt as if I was stabbed in the stomach. I felt as if I was tortured. Why was I feeling this?
There was something about Bella that I couldn't ignore, and now five years later, I still can't pin point it. And knowing that she would have been married and with kids now didn't help at all. Everything I think and say now comes out all wrong, and I knew that it was because of Bella's absence from my life. I can't even see at times because my eyes are always rolled to the back of my head as I close my eyes, thinking of the memorable past.
I sat up on my bed, realizing that something had to be done. I looked at the time, which was blinking 11:05 p.m. I sighed, knowing that my wedding was only nine hours away, and I knew it would definitely happen. But all I knew was that it wasn't to Bella. Also, I knew that what is gone are tender, silver tongue Bella's whispers in my ears with self satisfying memories that I would keep with me forever. And I knew that keeping memories of Bella would help me to keep going, but I still wanted to bleed; I wanted the world to bleed. Ain't love grand?
Disclaimer: I do not own characters of Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and I do not own the lyrics of Ain't Love Grand by Atreyu.
Hope it's good!
-Rosefire