Casey-Q and Manda-Q Fluck Up the Universe!
By: Manda AND Casey!!! (Be afraid, be VERY afraid…)
Disclaimer: These characters are in no way, shape, or form ours. We're just borrowing them for a little while to amuse ourselves. We'll put them back when we're done, promise. So don't hurt us. Besides, it was Casey's idea, and she's got more money, so sue her! :)
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All seemed well on the Enterprise. It was quite boring, really. They didn't have much to do. Picard was dozing off in his chair, Troi (don't ask us where she got the string) was playing Cat's Cradle, and Riker had gotten the rest of the Bridge into an off-key rendition of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." They sucked, but hey, it kept them busy.
Without warning, as they got to 2 bottles, the red alert lights and sirens went off. Everyone stopped singing abruptly to stare at the lights, Troi dropped her string, and Picard snapped awake with a start.
"What the hell - er, what happened?" Picard asked groggily.
"Unknown, Sir," Data answered. "Red alert came on for no reason."
"So turn it off," Riker said. "Now how many bottles were we on?"
"2 bottles, Sir," Worf said.
"Thank you Worf. 2 bottles of beer on the wall, 2 bottl-"
"Red alert will not turn off," Data interrupted.
"Why not?" Picard asked?
Data shrugged. "How should I know?"
"We just thought we should give y'all a little warning," a bodiless voice said.
Everyone on the Bridge looked around. "Captain, I am sensing a bodiless voice," Troi said. Everyone rolled their eyes.
"Who's there?" Riker called out.
"Isn't it obvious? A bodiless voice! OK, fine, we have bodies, but it's so much more fun to be bodiless," another bodiless voice said, and then continued. "Look!" the first bodiless voice burst into giggles. "I can see you, but you can't see me!" Then they both started giggling.
"Wonderful. We've been invaded by a pair of invisible teenage girls." Riker commented dryly.
"Ooh, poo! You're no fun!" the first bodiless voice said. "I can take care of that!"
There was a flash of blue and green light, and suddenly Riker was-exactly the same.
"Huh? Isn't he supposed to be dressed in a tutu or grow duck feet or something?" Picard asked, very confused.
"Captain! No! Don't give them any ideas!" shrieked a very high pitched but slightly muffled voice. Everyone turned around and saw only Riker. "They've done enough damage!" Whilst these words were being spoken, his lips had not moved.
"Captain, look!" Troi pointed in horror to Riker's midsection.
"Counselor, this is hardly the time-" Picard started, flushing almost imperceptibly.
"No! Look!" She walked over to Riker and pulled his shirt up over his head. The male members of the crew looked away in mock horror. But when they looked back, they shrank away in true terror. For under Riker's shirt, where his belly button should have been was a pair of lips! They all ran behind Picard, who in turn hid behind Data's console.
"Aww, you win. You got his shirt off in the first chapter. Here, you get Oliver." the first bodiless voice said reluctantly.
"Wheee! I get Oliver! I get Oliver!!" the second bodiless voice squealed in a singsong voice.
"Hmmph."
The Captain cleared his throat. "Excuse me," he started politely, "but when you're done, would you mind putting my first officer back to normal!" he ended almost yelling.
"Captain," Troi whispered, "I don't think we should be yelling at them. If they're the human equivalent of teenagers, they may not appreciate it."
"Very good Counselor!" the second bodiless voice said. "Listen to her, and don't yell at us! We're powerful y'know."
"Yeah," the first voice chimed in. "*Very* powerful. Hmm, OK, I'll put Riker back to normal," said the first voice evilly. There was a flash of purple light, and Riker was indeed back to normal. However, his Starfleet uniform was replaced with a beach towel, flip-flops, and swimming trunks. Both voices burst into another giggling fit.
"Good one," the second voice said.
Riker sighed and dropped into his chair. Meanwhile, all the females on the Bridge, including Troi, were staring at him and moving their heads around to get a better look.
Picard cleared his throat again and glared at his crew, who all promptly turned back to their work. "All right," Picard half-shouted, looking at the ceiling. "Who, or what, are you, and what do you want?"
"Who are we?" the second voice asked. "We are the supreme queens of the universe!" Both voices erupted into evil laughter.
"As for what we want…" the first voice said. Both voices cleared their throats and started singing. "Girls/Just wanna have fu-un/Oooh girls wanna haaave/Fuuun…" They both began to laugh evilly again.
"Ahem!" Picard said loudly, interrupting the laughter. "That doesn't answer either of my questions."
There was a flash of purple light right in front of Riker, and a 16-year-old girl appeared on his lap, arms around his neck. She had long brown hair and greenish eyes. She was wearing purple lipstick and eye shadow, amethyst earrings, several different necklaces, many bracelets on each arm, long, wide, dark blue rocker jeans, and a light blue spaghetti strap with the Powerpuff Girls on it.
"Put a sock in it Picard. You're so serious all the time," she said.
"Get off my first officer and my ship!" he demanded.
She snuggled even closer to Riker. "No, I'm quite comfortable, thank you. But you, Captain As her sentence trailed off, there was a flash of purple light, and Picard disappeared. Sitting on the floor where he had stood, there was a potato.
The girl exploded into howling laughter. Everyone was wide-eyed with terror. They kept looking from the potato/Captain to the rather amused girl sitting on the commander's lap.
"Hey!" the second, and now lone, bodiless voice yelled. "Shut up and introduce yourself already!"
The girl stopped laughing and growled. Then she cleared her throat and sat up straight. "I am Manda-Q, one half of the greatest Q team ever!" Manda-Q and the voice both laughed evilly a moment then stopped abruptly.
"All right!" she shouted in the general direction of the ceiling. "Now get your ass down here!"
"Still haven't learned manners, have you? Oh well, I guess we can't all be ladies, can we?" spoke the second voice, with mock haughtiness. A spiral staircase appeared in the middle of the bridge, and two feet in silver satin shoes descended through the ceiling, followed quickly by the bottom of an impossibly black dress. It eventually formed into the body of another teenage girl as she walked down the staircase. The dress, as previously mentioned, was impossibly black, but if you looked closely (as did the male members of the Enterprise crew), you could see pinpricks of light, which were curiously arranged, and looked suspiciously like constellations... The second girl was about as tall as her counterpart, but with blonde hair intricately arranged upon her head and a crown of shining stars. She had gray eyes, and an air of royalty about her. As she reached the bottom, the staircase disappeared, and was replaced by a delicate throne of silver, which was slightly higher than Picard's own chair. She sat down upon it, only to find that it had been turned into a high chair, complete with Cherri-Os, banana paste and spilled milk.
"Manda! Aaarg! I'll get you for that!" the new girl yelled as she brushed Cherri-Os off her dress, tried to wipe the yellowish goo from her sleeve and wrung the drink from her right shoe.
Manda struggled to keep an innocent face. "Get me for wha-hahaha!!!" She covered her mouth with her hand as she burst into peals of laughter, and Riker, still rather confused but flattered by the female's attention, laughed weakly.
"Grrr..." The second girl snapped her fingers, and with a burst of darkness, her clothes were spotless and immaculate, if slightly more appropriate for an Adventure on the Enterprise. She wore a floofy purple skirt to her knees, a black tank top and a denim vest. Her shoes were black sneakers, and on any other person, they would have looked very silly. But somehow, on the second being, her attire looked almost dignified. Almost. "Captain Picard, I-" She looked around, and finally saw the potato on the floor. She glanced at Manda, raised her left eyebrow, and they both burst into a collaborative fit of giggles. The second girl, wiping tears from her eyes, snapped her fingers, and in a second flash of black, Picard had returned to his human form. No one had the heart to tell him that his ears had been replaced with those of a white rabbit. With the skill of a born orator, she continued. "As I was saying, I am Casey-Q. The other half of the greatest Q team in existence. Our intentions closely mirror my uncle Q's, in that we intend to make much mischief and mayhem, but do no permanent damage. However, I promise, here and now, that there will be no Borg shenanigans. We'll come up with much more creative ways to wreak havoc than Microsoft Windows gone mad. Won't we, Miss Riker?" Picard, speechless and befuddled, turned to where Riker was sitting, only to see his first officer making out with Manda-Q.
"Commander!" he barked, "Remove yourself from that female at once!"
Riker paused long enough to say, "I can't, sir. My pants are attached to the chair, and I'm not about to refuse obviously the most powerful and beautiful being here, sir!" Then he went right back.
"He's right, Captain. We are the most powerful and beautiful beings here. I think that it would be best for you to bring in Ensign Crusher," Casey-Q agreed with dead seriousness.
Picard sighed. This was supposed to be his rest mission. They had been assigned to take a PADD from Earth to somewhere really far away, for the simple reason of letting the crew take a break. They were all so pooped from having a run-in with every single alien race in the galaxy, every little weird thing anywhere, every week for the last many many years, they considered blowing up Starfleet H.Q. and blaming it on one of those icky bug things that went in your brain through your ears and made you eat mealworms if they didn't get a break. Starfleet conceded, provided they stayed onboard, in case something happened.
And now he was arguing with a pair of Q-nagers, female ones at that.
"You know what? Sure. Fine. I'm sick of fighting every damn thing in this universe, all I want is sit in the holodeck and watch football, drink gallons of beer and eat junk food. Take Wesley, he's all yours. And Counselor-" he turned around quickly and pointed at her, half out of her seat and mouth open, "-I don't want to talk about it and if ANYONE says one word about Earl Gray Tea, I will personally blow them out the airlock. Any questions?" He looked around, but the bridge was silent. "Good. Call me when we get to Rigel 4." He started to walk toward the turbolift.
"Sir? Rigel 4 is not our intended destination. It is, in fact, in the opposite direction." Data said, successfully avoiding contractions, sounding condescending or completely idiotic, and using correct grammar.
"Well, then! Guess that means I won't be disturbed!" Picard said cheerily. He skipped the rest of the way to the turbolift. The astounded Random U. Crewman who was standing uselessly by the lift said later that he heard the Captain mutter something about Britney Spears.
Manda-Q had looked away from Riker just long enough to see the Captain leaving the Bridge. "Down, Boy. Chill a second," she told Riker. "So where'd Mr. Serious go?" she asked Casey-Q.
Casey-Q shrugged. "The holodeck. Y'know, I thought this would be a lot more fun, but Picard's being so boring."
"Seriously." She turned to face Riker. "Does he ever loosen up?"
Riker blinked several seconds, thinking. "No," he said finally.
"Hmmm. Then let's just drive him insane."
"Yeah," Casey-Q said, smiling evilly. "Let's go."
In flashes of purple and black, Manda-Q, Casey-Q, Riker, Troi, Worf, and Data vanish from the Bridge.
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"Whoa!"
"Oh. My. God."
"And you yelled at me, Sir?"
Captain Picard looked up from the holographic Britney Spears, whose company he was quite enjoying. Standing there in shock was the regular gang and Wesley. With them, barely containing their laughter, were Casey-Q and Manda-Q.
Picard shot up. "What the bloody hell!?! Computer, end program!" Holo-Britney faded away.
Meanwhile, Casey-Q and Manda-Q were laughing uncontrollably, hanging onto Wesley and Riker (respectively) for support.
"My god," Dr. Crusher repeated. "What the hell were you doing, Jean-Luc?"
"Erm…relaxing?"
"I dunno Captain, you looked pretty busy to me," Wesley said with a nasty smile. This comment caused Casey-Q and Manda-Q to laugh even harder.
"Mr. Crusher! Er, what're you doing here anyway? I though you were with the Traveler."
Wesley shrugged. "Casey-Q invited me. She said something about a party."
Riker's eyes lit up. "A party?" He looked excitedly at Manda-Q.
Manda-Q and Casey-Q had begun regaining control of themselves. "Yeah," Manda-Q gasped between giggles. "We thought we'd throw a party in Engineering."
Everyone began muttering to each other about what a good idea that was, except Picard who glared, and Geordi, who shrieked.
"We can't have a party in Engineering!" he squealed in a high-pitched voice. "It's such a mess in there!"
"Aww, what a party-pooper!" said Casey-Q, which just sent the two Q-nagers back to that happy little place where only girls can be, and are always laughing. Even Worf looked amused. "And...you...know...what...we do...with...pa...rty poo....pers..." Casey got out between gasps and giggles. Wesley tried to look like he knew what was going on, but didn't quite pull it off. "Aw, Hon, don't worry! Just wait till you see what I've got in store for Mister Obsessive-Compulsive here!" Casey-Q reassured him, putting her hand around his back and on his right shoulder, and wrapping her left arm through his. He was unsurprisingly disinterested in removing this powerful being. Manda-Q was slowly regaining control, but every few seconds, would just explode with laughter. Riker was chuckling to himself, and carefully avoiding Troi's eyes and thoughts.
At Wesley's (and Dr. Crusher's, and Worf's, and Troi's, and Geordi's, and Holo-Britney's - who had somehow reappeared - *Perhaps one of the Q-nagers was involved? Don't ask us, we're just the innocent little authors...* ) quizzical look (Riker just laughed, still in his swimming trunks, mind you, Data hadn't gotten his emotion chip yet, The Good Captain was occupied with other matters, and Manda-Q had mysteriously disappeared), Casey-Q smiled evilly.
"Oh, I see you haven't heard yet. Dear Billy had a little run-in with Manda," she paused while Riker blushed, "but none of you have seen anything like the likes of me. You see, while Manda has quite the sense of humor, I am slightly less forgiving. I believe, that as the most powerful being here," she paused again, to let them look around for Manda-Q, but find none, "I have the upper hand. Those who doubt me cannot go unpunished. And there are none so blind as those who do not wish to see. Let this be a lesson to you all-" and she snapped her fingers. A flash of darkness surrounded Geordi, and when it cleared, they saw nothing.
"Where is Commander LaForge?" Picard demanded, for once taking his eyes off Holo-Britney's um, eyes.
"Where? Why, right there! Can't you see him?" Casey-Q replied, obviously expecting this response.
"I can see him," Riker remarked smugly.
Wesley looked quizzically at Picard, before saying loudly, "He's right there! Gawd, talk about blind! Though I betcha I can tell you one thing he does see..." he trailed off, raising his eyebrows and grinning wickedly when Casey-Q winked at him.
"I, too, Captain, see Geordi. He appears to be suspended in midair approximately 16.749 centimeters above the ground, and held in place by a mixture of sorbitol, hydrogenated glucose syrup, gum base, glycerin, sodium saccharine, carnauba wax and red 40."
"Huh?!" exclaimed Riker, Wesley, Dr. Crusher, Worf, Troi and Picard.
"I thought the pink stuff was bubble gum!" whispered Riker to Wesley.
"I thought so too. Guess not..." They both shrugged, and tried not to stare at Holo-Britney while Dr. Crusher and Troi silently discussed exactly what they would like to be doing to their male peers. *What, you think that just because they're not telepathic per se they can't talk without words? Haven't you ever heard of the female language? Oooooh! You're despicable!!!!*
Meanwhile, in a far off corner of the galaxy...
...er, Enterprise...
"...but somehow, something seems to be missing..." Manda-Q was decorating Engineering in preparation for the party. There were streamers, ice sculptures, little platters of snackies, disco balls, four Orion waitresses with trays of exotic drinks, lava lamps, flowering potted plants that glowed and made very pretty smells, hammocks and seats suspended with the same pinkish rope that held Geordi, and a very small number of spatial-displacement fields (15).
"Owwwwwooooooooo!!!!!" Manda-Q turned around quickly to see Spot, Data's tabby cat sitting on the top of one of the displacement fields.
"Of course! You dear creature, how could I have forgotten? Music!" She snapped her fingers and instantly, a group of handsome young...male...musicians in an aquarium of greenish-blue liquid and some cute little aquatic creatures swimming and darting about. Spot leaped gracefully from where he was sitting to a hammock near the aquarium. He seemed quite pleased with himself.
The musicians sang an eerie, unearthly ballad about a princess kidnapped and taken to the surface of the planet, where she nearly died, had it not been for her beloved sister who rescued her, with great risk to her own life.
Manda-Q sat silently on a spatial-displacement field, allowing the music to flow through her, and when it was finished, she smiled lovingly at the Hyeeshrinta (the musicians, silly), and said quietly," In my opinion, that was exactly what was needed."
After a few moments had passed, she looked at a clock that had just appeared in midair, and remarked, "Good heavens! Where is she?!"
Back to the Holodeck...
"Bingo!" Wesley shouted. He and Casey-Q hugged, while the other pairs grumbled quietly. They had been playing Chaos Bingo, where Data, the caller-person, said a random thing, and if anyone had it on their sheet, they got to cross it off. They had only played a few games (42), but already the other players were growing tired. Picard had opted to pair with Holo-Britney, and didn't quite notice that they were even playing, Riker and Troi had been assigned to each other, as had Dr. Crusher and Worf. Geordi was hanging out with Data, disrupting play by saying very nonrandom things.
"I thought this was supposed to be random, chaotic," Dr. Crusher mumbled under her breath. "Why have my son and this-being won every game? There's got to be some outside factor influencing this."
"Naw, y'think?" Casey-Q said quietly but loud enough to be heard. When Dr. Crusher turned her head to face Casey-Q, she saw that the Q-nager was dressed once again in full Q regalia, and sitting upon a levitating throne made out of bloody Klingon bones.
But before another word could be spoken or pair of fingers snapped, Manda-Q appeared in the room with a blonde-haired woman.
"Tasha!" Data yelled, jumping up from his previously cross-legged position.
"I thought she'd make it a bit more lively. What do you think?" Manda-Q asked Casey-Q, who had returned to her previous outfit (1980's Earth regalia).
"Yeah, I think so. Here, rescue Prince Charming before he's ripped to shreds by the Wicked Witch of the West," Casey-Q said, pointing to an oblivious Riker, and a very infuriated Troi, looking quite wicked indeed.
"Ooh, gotcha." Manda-Q snapped her fingers, and at once Riker was sitting in a neon pink beach chair behind Manda-Q. She sat down delicately on his lap, and positioned herself to have full advantage, er, view of Riker's face.
"Great, now I'm stuck with invisible boy," Troi whined.
"Ooh, speaking of invisible..." Manda-Q and Casey-Q nodded at each other, and in a flash of purple light and darkness, everyone disappeared from the holodeck.