There was no reason why he should be there. That was the problem.
No reason whatsoever.
So, when he was faced with the question again, when the Healer had asked him if he was a relative, he just had to shake his head because, of course, he was not.
"I'm his…" he started, looking into the Healer's eyes, trying to find there the word he was missing. She did not seem to be very cooperative. "… friend," Remus finished lamely.
With a gesture between a grimace and a cold, professional smile, she nodded and was already turning around.
"I'm her colleague," Remus tried again. "I was there when she... when it... happened."
He could swear he saw a frown for the briefest of seconds, badly hidden in her professional smile.
"We only give this sort of information to a relative... or a boyfriend?" she offered as an afterthought.
For a wild second Remus saw himself saying that yes, that was exactly what he was, her boyfriend.
Only he did not do it, and the Healer walked away and through those swing-doors with the small windows through which Remus could not see a thing.
And he was left alone with his thoughts and worries.
It had not looked like a very serious curse at the time. He could still see her expression; her eyes opened in surprise, almost as if she could not believe somebody could aim better than her; her mouth slightly open; her hand losing the grip on the wand.
Energy he did not remember he possessed overcame him, and a second afterwards he had finally stunned the cloaked man he had been fighting, and the next second the one who had cursed Tonks laid on the ground as well.
He had kneeled before her, and fearing for the worse, he had touched her neck with two fingers. Only when he felt the reassuring pumping of the blood beneath he realised he had never actually touched her in such an intimate place. The thought both elated and terrified him, but there were much more pressing matters.
"Enervate," he said, with a flicker of his wand.
Nothing happened. She did not even stir.
Remus looked at his wand, puzzled, and repeated the spell. Again, Tonks laid motionless on the hard ground.
Few meters away lay her wand. He took it, and repeated the spell. Nothing.
"Come on, Tonks. It didn't even hit you this hard!" he said through gritted teeth, pointing his own wand at her again. "Finite incantatem!"
Nothing.
He knew what he had to do, even though it was what he should not do.
Moody was on a mission somewhere north. Summoning here was out of the question. And he very much doubted Sirius would be able to do more than what he had already done. True. They had all agree not to go to St. Mungo's if they could avoid it.
There's no avoiding it this time, he decided, looking at her face. Was it at trick of the light or she had gotten a little paler?
The two men were still unconscious on the ground. He pointed his wand at the sky now, focusing on his familiar bear and on Emmeline Vance. She would be able to handle them. He had to hurry.
Carefully, he stood up, carrying Tonks on his arms, and with a spin, both of them Disapparated in thin air.
It had been too fast, he had not had time to think about what would he tell that happened. She was an Auror, so it would not be so uncommon for her to finish at the wrong end of a curse, but somebody from the office might find out, and questions about what exactly was she doing on her day off would raise.
A casual encounter with an attacker? That sounded very far-fetched. And yet, what else could he possibly say?
A Healer had spotted them, and with a wave of his wand he had produced a stretcher. With his help, Remus had placed Tonks on it. She had not moved and he could feel fear creeping over him.
"What happened?" the Healer prompted.
"We were ambushed by two cloaked men," he had said quickly. Maybe it would be best if he would stick as much to the truth as possible. "She got hit by something, I didn't even see what?"
"A curse?" the Healer had asked, waving his wand over Tonks' body. Remus could see faint flashes of light emerging from it.
"Must be," he had said.
"Are you all right?"
"Yes," he had replied. "Both men went away the moment she felt on the ground," it was a lame lie, but he hoped the Healer, focused on Tonks, would not read much into it.
"Thompson," the Healer had called to a woman passing by in a hurry. "Take her to the fourth floor. You," he addressed Remus, "are you a relative?"
"No, I'm..." he had started, faced with the question for the first time.
"You have to give the patient's information to the receptionist ," the Healer had ignored him, already following the levitating figure of Tonks.
Remus had done as he had been told and had answered the receptionist many questions about Tonks. It turned out she already had a rather thick file at St. Mungo's due partially to her time as an Auror, training and fully qualified, and partly for a serious of random mishaps that, as far as Remus could tell, went back to when she was very little.
"There's a waiting area in the fourth floor," the receptionist had finally said. "You can go there."
More than two hours had passed and Remus still was there. The Healer had not emerged and there was no way he could tell from the outside what was going on.
Now it turned out he needed to be something of Tonks' in order to know. And a friend was not enough.
He had always known that, of course.
No matter how marvellous being Tonks' friend was, he had realised not very long ago how insufficient that was, too.
Painfully so.
For what seemed like the thousandth time, Remus stood up and resumed his pacing of the waiting room.
Why hadn't he said he was her boyfriend? If only just to know how she was doing inside the ward?
The answer was ready on his mind. Because saying he was with her hit too close to his most hidden thoughts. Because it would be a wonderful, incredible dream coming true, and if there was something Remus had learned in his life, it was that those sort of dreams were not meant for him.
He was just the outsider onlooker of other's dreams. Always behind a closed door, just as his current situation. Always waiting.
Only, the similarities had to end there. He had lost hope about his own dreams long ago; he could not dare losing hope about Tonks being all right behind those infuriating doors.
For a wild moment he considered calling for Tonks' parents. They could go inside and tell him... He had to dismiss the idea right away. How much did they know about Tonks' work for the Order of the Phoenix? He racked his brains for a piece of information on that, something that she might be said during one of their many conversations, but nothing definite came.
He suspected, though, that she would be less than thrilled to worry her parents if it turned out she was all right.
But how to know that?
A woman exited the door, dabbing at the corners of her eyes. She was smiling, though.
Remus considered approaching her and ask if she had seen Tonks, but thought better of it. It was clear that the woman would not have had place on her mind for somebody other than the person she had came to visit.
Her husband, perhaps? Remus thought with a mixture of yearning and bitterness.
The Healer he had just spoken to came by again, but he could not think about something new to say to her, so he let her pass, feeling useless. Left behind.
Remus fell on the couch heavily and sighed.
It was ridiculous really. It was only a door. He could just enter.
Are you a relative?
No.
No. I'm just the man who cannot stop thinking about her in his every waking moment. I'm just a bloke who dreams of her, who longs of her voice, who feels like the luckiest person alive when he has to work with her. I'm the useless prat who was not quick enough to keep her from harm.
So, you're not a relative.
Remus sighed at his own inner dialogue. No, I'm not.
Not a boyfriend then?
No.
Why?
Because I was too cowardly to talk to her about this.
Another Healer passed and glanced at him. It must be his imagination, but, to Remus, he looked reproachful.
Why had he not talked to her before indeed?
Finally, the first Healer he had met opened the doors and walked out. He looked very tired.
"Excuse me," Remus called, standing up in a jump. "How's she? Nymphadora Tonks?"
The Healer considered him for a second. Remus guessed he would have wanted to go without being bothered by anybody's questions.
"Are you a relative?"
Remus was sure that, unlike when he had just brought Tonks, this time he would be interested in his answer.
No.
"No, I'm not a bloody relative!" Remus heard his own raised voice and it almost surprised him. "I'm just... I'm sick with worry, and I just can't stand not knowing! I need you to tell me how she is!"
"There is a policy against disclosing-"
"I know that! But I need you to understand that this is different! I'm the one who brought her here. I'm her partner. I... I love her, all right?"
The Healer looked at him for a moment, one eyebrow raised.
Finally he smiled.
"She's fine. You should go and see for yourself," he jerked his head towards the door at Remus' back.
A voice made him freeze in the spot.
"You love me?"
Something both icy and fiery hot went through his body. Slowly he turned around. Tonks was standing at the open doors of the ward. Unharmed. Smiling.