Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk and The Pillar of Storgé and The Toenail of Icklibõgg and The Girl By The Name of Icicle and Her Father, Mr. Bicycle
In which JK(also known at Squidward) fries anyone who calls Voldemort Voldy, Dumbledore Is Harry's Grandfather, Voldemort is Harry's cousin, Lily Potter is Still Alive and a cruel Death Eater, Crookshanks is Actually Archie(yeah, the old guy in the flowered nightgown), The Order communicates through Chocolate Frog cards, Neville and Luna fall madly in love, and Harry goes to another trial.(Subject to change.)
(Short version: Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk. Yes, that horribly long title and 'in which' was completely made of rumors. :) )
A/N: I hope this is funny. If it isn't…well…I try, okay? XD Please read Harry Potter and the Something Something Something before you attempt to read this story!
Chapter One: The Sequel Has Arrived!
Dumbledore clapped his hands loudly.
Everyone's eyes swiveled over, even Flakey's. Which were nonexistent. But that's okay.
"THE SEQUEL!" he cried, "IT HAS ARRIVED!"
"WHOO!" the only Slytherin left in the school besides Malfoy whooped, jumping out of the mysterious broom closet I mentioned earlier.
"SEIZE THAT KID!" Snape screamed, "HE STOLE MY CREAM PUFFS!" Indeed, the Slytherin was holding a tray full of cream puffs.
"You'll never catch me!" The Slytherin cackled, and ran away.
"It feels so empty without the Mary-Sues," Harry sniffled.
"Sniffle," Ron sniffled.
"Not-sniffle," Hermione not-sniffled.
"WHY AREN'T YOU SNIFFLING?" Harry demanded.
"Beca-"
"WHY, WOMAN? WHY!"
"BECAUSE –"
"JUST TELL ME! GOSH!"
"BECAUSE THE MARY-SUES STINK!" Hermione shrieked impatiently.
Everyone in the Great Hall gasped.
"Why do you say such things?" Sirius said quickly, shoving the picture of Mary-Sue Mathers that he had been adorning with a mustache into his robes.
"Because," Hermione whispered fearfully, "They stole the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk from Harry's dear great-grandmother, Mark Evans."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THIS EARLIER!" Dumbledore screamed.
"I was scared," Hermione said feebly.
"So are all of them the Dark Lord's Daughters?" Sirius asked blankly.
"Yes," Hermione explained, "And Kristy was simply a robot, invented and controlled by them."
"That makes complete sense!" Harry gasped.
"It does?" Ron asked.
"Didn't you see how they weren't even upset when she died?" Hermione demanded.
"I'M CONFUSED!" the Hufflepuff yelled, running out of the broom closet too.
"STOP STEALING MY CREAM PUFFS!" Snape shrieked, running after the Hufflepuff.
Flakey ate some more celery.
"Well, Dumbly," he said gruffly, "Its time I was off, but thanks."
"Any time," Dumbledore said courteously.
The cornflake put on his hat and walked out.
"IS IT, LIKE, TUESDAY YET!" the blonde girl screeched, running in again.
"We have no way of telling time anymore," Hermione explained. "We don't exactly know."
"Like, what?" the girl asked, confused.
"Can you just shut it and go away?" Harry grumbled, not in a good mood.
"FINE," the girl snapped. She ran out, sobbing.
"So…" Harry said blankly, "What IS the Kettle of Nackledirk?"
"An amazing device," Lupin started, randomly appearing, "That creates the Un-Aging Potion combined with Elixir of Life when you boil water inside of its magical depths."
"So that's why Mark Evans is only ten?" Harry asked blankly.
"Precisely," Lupin said, nodding. And then he dissappeared.
"Who in their right mind would name a girl 'Mark'?" Malfoy sneered.
Mrs. Evans coughed pointedly, glaring at Malfoy.
"Are you in your right mind?" Ron asked curiously.
"Well, not really," she admitted.
"SO STOP GLARING AT ME, WOMAN!" Malfoy screeched.
"Evil boy," she sighed, "I have much right to glare at you."
"And why's that?" demanded Malfoy.
"Your father is a Servant of The Dark Lord. AND HE STOLE MY BEST KETTLE WITH THE AID OF THESE…THESE…THESE MARY-SUES!" she sobbed.
"So she doesn't know about the magic?" Harry whispered to Dumbledore.
"Nope," Dumbledore said.
Which was surprising, as being Mark Evans' – Harry's great-grandmother, you remember – mother, would be rather old…but looked around twenty-three years and six months, seven weeks, and two days.
"I'm bored," Mrs. Evans said, and dissappeared.
"WE NEED SOME ACTION!" the Slytherin cried, running back in.
"WE NEED A BIG REACTION!" the Hufflepuff cried, running back in as well.
"WE NEED MICHAEL JACKSON!" the Ravenclaw cried, running out of the broom closet.
"WE NEED…" the Gryffindor started, bursting out, but then faltered. "…Why do we need Michael Jackson?" he asked, confused.
"EW, MICHAEL JACKSON!" Malfoy whimpered, breaking a window and running away.
"WE NEED REALLY COOL SUBTRACTION!" the Gryffindor cried lately.
"Seven minus three is four!" Harry said proudly.
((I AM a genius, see:) ))
"Two minus one is one!" Ron said proudly.
"453654635643 minus 56575754534534 is negative 34532345365!" Hermione said proudly, and began spouting random math nonsense. "Square root of sixty-seven! Benchmark! Quotient!"
((Don't even check that, cause I made it up.))
"Hold on, lemme get my calculator," the Gryffindor muttered, looking overwhelmed.
"Hermione's HEAD is a calculator," Ron snorted.
"I'm a young grasshopper!" Harry gloated.
"Oh really?" the Gryffindor blinked.
"Yes really," Harry said, "And that is that."
THE END OF CHAPTER ONE