A one shot written for the wonderful carolzocas , thank you for your lovely reviews and messages, in hope you like this fic. To everyone else, this is quite sad and angsty but I hope you like it.
She's just got back from a mission and he can see she's tired but then Natasha smiles and he forgets about it.
She's pale with dark circles under her eyes, eyes that look strangely puffy and red, but she's smiling and that's alls he can see. Natasha asks him if he wants to go for lunch and he's curious because she's never asked him that before. But he says yes. It will only ever be yes to her.
Then at lunch when he orders a huge burger and fries and sides of everything she smiles at him and he finds it strange because usually she frowns and lectures him about his health. Today she says nothing and orders her own food. Ice cream. When she asks for that, Clint pauses, confused. When the waiter leaves she shrugs and tells him she's been on a mission for two weeks and thinks she deserves it. He doesn't argue with that.
Then the ice cream comes and she swirls her spoon until it's mush, not even eating a spoonful of the stuff. He asks her if she's ok and she smiles again, insisting she's fine, just tired. It's then Clint jokes that they could have done this all tomorrow when she's rested from the mission but Natasha looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Why wait until then."
She suggests a walk then, a walk, not a run and he's baffled. He figures she must have seen something on the mission, done something, met someone that has upset her so goes along with it, not even speaking again until they're half way around the park.
Natasha grasps his hand then. It's ice cold. "You're freezing." He says and as he says it, he sees her nails have turned blue. Clint looks up towards her face and it's ashen, her lips the same colour as her nails. But she's still smiling.
"It's winter." Natasha states simply. It's an obvious observation and quite correct but be knows she grew up in Russia, where the summers were colder than this and she shouldn't be cold.
He puts his own jacket around her shoulders anyway.
When they finally get back to his apartment after the walk, he's more confused than he's ever been before in his life. She's always wanted to go back to her apartment when they were together, no matter the situation. They always spent hours staring out of the window, admiring the view. Today's different. "Your place is closer." She whispers as her teeth chatter.
Clint doesn't say no, because it really is quite cold outside.
She can barely walk when they eventually get through the door and Natasha goes straight to the sofa to sit down. It lacks her usual elegance.
"Want a beer?" He asks, walking over to the fridge.
She shakes her head, "Do you have any tea?" Tea? He's so taken aback he nearly drops the beer bottle he's holding but it's for Natasha and he doesn't want to say no, so he boils the kettle and pours her some tea.
The next time he turns around she's lying down and her eyes are closed, she's shaking all over and that unsettles him. Clint's brain hasn't even caught up to his movements before he's crouched down beside her. "Tasha?" He says, confused for the millionth time that day.
She opens her eyes and smiles at him. Or tries to. As she opens her mouth, she begins to cough and cough and then there's red. It sprays on her hands and his arm and even the couch but he doesn't care. In a few seconds she stops and looks to him.
"Clint. We need to talk.
He already knows exactly what she's going to say and it hurts, it hurts so much he falls to the ground, eyes wide with shock.
"No, you can't Tasha." He's skating his head wildly now.
She just smiles, "I knew what they'd given me, the poison, it should have worked pretty quickly but I have enchancments and they knew exactly what it would do. Slowly and painfully, like I deserve."
"No Tasha, you don't deserve any of this, they need to do something to help! Does Fury know?"
"Of course he does, he wanted me to stay at base, in medical but I told him I had to say goodbye, I had to tell you myself."
She reaches over to pick up her tea and Clint helps her to drink it. "I wanted to die warm, not in the cold, they always said I would die in the cold and alone."
She's haunted and he knows it. Clint grabs a blanket and wraps it around her shoulders.
"You're not in the cold and you're not alone, you're never alone ok? I'm here." His voice is horse now and he's mentally punching himself in the face. All day, she's been dying, painfully and slowly and silently and he didn't realise until she'd wanted him to.
It's ten minutes later when he asks her a question, she's looking at him but not saying anything "Why the ice cream at lunch?"
Natasha laughs, "I've never eaten it before and I figured that kids like ice cream, I just wanted to remember being a child."
He holds her tightly, his heart breaking more than it has ever done before. "What should I tell the others?"
She thinks. "Tell Bruce not to let the anger destroy him, life's more important than that. Tell Steve that working with him changed me, made me better. Tell Tony I'm sorry, but those Tokyo pictures were photoshopped. Tell Thor that I'm in a better place and even if he was on earth, he couldn't have prevented this."
She stops for a moment, "I need to tell someone else something to. I need to tell him that he changed my life and I'm forever thankful for him giving me that chance all those years ago. I need him to know that I've never loved anyone as much as I love him and I need him to keep going and fighting because I don't want to see him again anytime soon, or else I'll beat him up."
Natasha was talking to Clint.
He nods, "I promise, you won't see me again for at least another 30 years, I'll keep going and fighting."
She smiles, "Good. I don't want you to get any suicide missions or sit in this flat crying for the next 3 years. You need to find a new partner and carry on doing what you do best."
"I will, I don't think any partner will ever be as hot as you though Nat." He says joking.
"I have one last thing ok? I want you to promise you'll remember me. Others will remember the black widow, I want you to remember the real me. Natasha. Promise me that?"
"You're Natasha, you'll always be Natasha to me."
She smiles for one last time and then she's gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
He's killed so many over the years but never has a death been so final and brutal and real, never has anything hurt so much. Every part of him is hurting. His arms and legs feel like lead, but he can't loosen his grip around her, not yet. His head feels like cotton wool, nothing makes sense. His throat constricts and he feels tears making their way to his eyes.
But most of all it's his heart. It's beating so fast and loud and he feels like it's going to explode. It hurts more than he ever imagined.
It's almost an hour later when he finally forces himself to let go and the first thing he does is call Fury, who picks up on the second ring.
"Barton." He states cooly.
Clint speaks, "She's gone. Natasha. She's dead. Can you just...just...send someone over, I can't look at her anymore." His voice is almost non existent.
"Clint, she was one of my best, I valued her more than words can explain, I kinda loved her in a way. I'm coming now, just stay cool."
True to his word Fury arrives ten minutes later, followed by three other SHIELD issued vehicles.
Out of one appears Steve who walks quickly over to Clint. "Barton, she can't be dead, tell me it's all a cover up."
Clint shakes his head, "I would never pretend she was dead, not even for SHIELD. She was poisoned on a mission, her enchancments meant the poison took hours to work."
"Oh god, was she in pain?"
Clint frowned, he hadn't even asked her. Steve looked so horrified and sad that he told the only truth he wanted to hear, "No, she was just cold, so I held her."
Then something unexpected happens and the two men hug. They're not particularly close but they both loved Natasha and felt the most unimaginable grief possible.
Clint suddenly remember what Natasha wanted him to tell Steve, "She told me to tell you that working with you changed her, made her better."
The captain nodded, "Thankyou."
A week later she had a funeral that was attended by 8 people; Clint, Steve, Tony, Bruce, Thor, Fury, Hill and Coulson, along with the priest. No one had cried, she didn't want tears from anyone she had loved.
But after Clint couldn't help but cry when he knelt infront of her head stone. It read 'Natasha Romanoff. Friend. Partner. Avenger.'
No mention of the black widow. She was Natasha, even after she was gone.
end.