I know I have stories I need to update. Sorry about that. This entire "story" is basically a Q&A between a slightly OOC Anakin Skywalker and a random Q&A person. The entire story was written by passing a computer back and forth between Batmanrules101 and myself on a seven hour car ride back from Vermont. It's uploaded under both of our accounts, however, the title may be different. We apologize for the fact that the characters seem a bit OOC.
Disclaimer: We don't own SWTCW, nothing in this story is not meant to offend anyone. This includes *takes a deep breath* pedestrians, people who work in office buildings, people in traffic, elephants, people who cross the street, Muslims, Mexicans, construction site workers, grandmothers, guys, tractor drivers, blind people, driving teachers, passengers, trains (and train drivers), road making companies, motorcycle gangs, bikers, car wash employees, drive thrus, police, car drivers, women, the IRS, drunk people, tractor trailer drivers, rest stops, children, driver's ed, bridges, tolls, the Amish, China, Mexico, Idaho, Delaware, the airport, jail, wingmen, farm animals, farmers, and the Mafia. Also, anyone else who we forgot to mention. However, offense meant to Donald Trump. Lots and lots of offense. Now, on with the Q&A! (I promise the "Is your name Anakin Skywalker" does not persist throughout the entire story. Just the beginning.)
Q: What was that bump?
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?
Q: Yes.
A: You have struck a pedestrian.
Q: What is all that screaming?
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?
Q: Yes.
A: You have crashed your car into an office building.
Q: Why am I falling?
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?
Q: Yes.
A: You have driven off a cliff. Good luck.
Q: Should I stop at a stop sign?
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?
Q: Yes.
A: You never do.
Q: Should I be driving at all?
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?
Q:Yes.
A: No.
Q: Do I need a driver's license to drive
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?
Q: Yes.
A: YOU DON'T HAVE ONE AND YOU STILL DRIVE! YOURS WAS REVOKED 2 YEARS AGO! AND YES!
Q: What's this other pedal next to the gas? I never use it.
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?
Q: Yes.
A: It's the brake. You are supposed to use it to stop, and we know.
Q: Why is there traffic?
A: So that you have an obstacle course to drive through at top speed. Points for every pedestrian you hit.
Q: Should Anakin be driving?
A: Do you have a brain?
Q: So… no?
A: NO!
Q: What kind of car is the fastest?
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?
Q: Yes.
A: A giant snail. It's also the safest.
Q: I don't give a rat's ass about safety.
A: We know. So does anyone who has ever been in the same vehicle as you.
Q: Who has the right of way at a four way stop?
A: Whoever can get their car going the fastest first.
Q: I knew it.
A: That was sarcasm. No one actually knows this. So we use the Anakin system of rev your engine and floor it.
Q: What do you use when driving through a hurricane?
A: Depends on two things: Your level of stupidity, and how many elephants you have to keep the car on the ground.
Q: Am I good at driving?
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?
Q: Yes.
A: Oh! I have a prize for you. It's around here somewhere . . . Ah ha! Here it is. Reality's worst driver, Universally recognized.
Q: Should I stop when someone is crossing the street?
A: Are they immediately related to you?
Q: No.
A: No.
Q: How do I stop crashing my car?
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?
Q: Yes.
A: Don't drive. Ever.
Q: What is the difference between a red, yellow, and green light?
A: Red means floor it and pretend to be blind, green means floor it, and yellow means floor it like hell because it will turn red and your blind person impression is convincing on the day Donald Trump joins hands with Muslims and Mexicans to sing Kumbaya.
Q: What should I do if I am stuck in bad traffic?
A: Floor it. Your car will go through the other cars. If not, please call 1-800-DONT-SUE-OUR-ASSES
Q: Why is my car sinking?
A: You drove off the beach and into the ocean when you fell asleep with your foot pressed against the gas pedal.
Q: What should I do when there is a construction site in front of me?
A: Floor it and honk. They will move. If they don't, it's their fault.
Q: Why is my car flying?
A: You hit some guy's grandmother and he threw your car through the air when you refused to apologize, claiming you were blind and that she shouldn't be wearing a grey nightgown on a foggy day.
Q: Who should teach me to drive?
A: No one will. They heard about what happened to the last one.
Q: Who is yelling in my backseat?
A: Are you currently driving?
Q: Yes.
A: That would be the people who for some reason voluntarily entered a car you were driving.
Q: What happened to my steering wheel?
A: You threw it at the guy whose grandmother you hit with your car. That's the other reason why he threw your car.
Q: What should I do if I am tired when driving?
A: You should go to sleep. With your foot firmly tied to the gas pedal.
Q: How do I stop my car on an icy or wet road?
A: When do you ever stop the car? You don't know what the brake pedal is.
Q: There's a brake pedal? For what?
A: Stopping.
Q: Do I have the right of way?
A: Yes.
Q: How do roundabouts work?
A: No one knows. Floor it and honk your horn with your hand you are not currently eating a donut with. Or your forehead if you are fending off vicious passengers from the backseat.
Q: What does a stop sign mean?
A: Nothing. It's a prank designed by the road making companies to trick you into letting the passengers tear you away from the gas pedal.
Q: If the gates are down, the lights are flashing, and the train is honking, should I try and beat the train?
A: Of course. If you don't make it to the tracks before them floor it and honk. They will stop.
Q: Should I wear a seat belt?
A: A what?
Q: What is the purpose of airbags?
A: They are another prank. Be careful though, passengers may activate them in an attempt to pry your cold dead feet away from the gas pedal, which of course you are pressing with both feet.
Q: Should I wear a helmet when riding a motorcycle?
A: A what?
Q: How do I steer?
A: Yank the wheel in random directions and honk if any object is in front of you. They will move to the side politely.
Q: Even this brick wall?
A: Of course.
Q: Why is Obi - Wan yelling at me? What did I do!?
A: Are you driving?
Q: Yes.
A: That's why.
Q: What is the purpose of a car wash?
A: It is a fun amusement park ride. Hide in the car and don't let the employees see you.
Q: What is the purpose of a drive-thru, such as McDonald's or Dunkin Donuts?
A: It is a parking lot.
Q: What are those motorcycle gangs doing?
A: They are showing off motorcycles. Follow them to their next rest stop and take one of the bikes. They won't mind.
Q: Should I join a motorcycle gang?
A: That depends. How many motorcycles have you stolen over the years?
Q: What happens if there are bikers on the road?
A: Swerve wildly around them and scream obscenities at them for daring to be in your way. Do this even if they are in the biker lane. Bonus points if you flip them off.
Q: Should I own a Ferrari?
A: You should not own any vehicle that has an acceleration speed of over -1 mph.
Q: What is a speed bump?
A: This is yet another prank. You should floor it and laugh when the vicious passengers are thrown around hilariously in the backseat. Make sure not to laugh too long though, they may take this opportunity to mutiny.
Q: Why is there a police car chasing me?
A: They are trying to play tag. Whatever you do, keep driving and don't let them catch you. If you lose tag, they will try to repossess your license. Steal one from someone else and floor it.
Q: Ahsoka has chips. I want them, but I am driving. What do I do?
A: You should continue to hit her with the hand you are using to keep the passengers from dragging you out of the driver's seat, smash your donut in her face, and turn the steering wheel in random directions with the foot not flooring the gas pedal.
Q: What is the purpose of roadside railings?
A: They are roads for the thrill seeking prone.
Q: If I am on the highway and all the drivers are going a different way, am I doing something wrong?
A: No. They are just pulling your leg and trying to get you to think you are doing something wrong. Floor your car and play chicken with them.
Q: What are the lines on the road for?
A: They are decorations. Paint over them while driving at top speed screaming "I AM A LINE THIEF! YOU CAN'T GET ME! NA NA NE BOO BOO!"
Q: Why are there telephone poles next to the road?
A: They provide electrical power for people. You should weave in and out of them for fun. Don't worry, no one cares if you knock them down.
Q: There is a slow tractor on the road. How do I get it to go away?
A: Honk at it. Then floor your car and drive towards it screaming angrily.
Q: What is the purpose of the rear view mirror?
A: It is for checking to make sure your eyebrows are on "fleek"
Q: Why are there road signs?
A: They are all pranks. You should spray paint them or run over them.
Q: This road is like a rollar coaster? How should I drive?
A: Fast. And swerve a lot.
Q: How do I pass other cars on the road?
A: Honk and floor your car. Try to drive around them, but it's no big deal if you accidentally go through them instead.
Q: The car in front of me is slow. How do I get it to go away?
A: You should pull alongside them and bump into them. If this fails, steer with your feet and climb through their driver's side window to slap them.
Q: My wife needs to go to the hospital NOW. Preferably safely. How do I drive?
A: You don't. Obi Wan does.
Q: There is a toll gate on the road? What do I do?
A: You should drive through it. When a letter comes in the mail informing you that you owe the government money, send them a letter stating "MAKE ME YOU IRS DESK SLUGS!"
Q: How do I drive over a bridge?
A: Like you are a drunk man with no concern for life. Including yours.
Q: How loud should my radio volume be?
A: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the radio. Could you repeat the question?
Q: The passengers in my car do not like my radio choice. How do I make them shut up?
A: Duct tape or a chainsaw. Both have proven working effects.
Q: How do I perform the great trick of 'Hit and run'?
A: With speed and obscenities.
Q: What is a 'fender bender'?
A: A fun prank to play on people. Do it as often as possible.
Q: What is a 'pothole'?
A: A joyful decoration added by the Road Making Companies. Drive over them very fast.
Q: I am surrounded by police cars. What do I do?
A: You should break out the silly string and firecrackers. Then you should floor it.
Q: Is spinning a good idea?
A: No, but it's a good trick.
Q: Hey! That's my line!
A: Not anymore.
Q: The 'check engine' light is on. What does that mean?
A: Nothing. If something explodes, it's completely coincidental.
Q: How often should I get gas?
A: Whenever your car suddenly stops and refuses to go anywhere. The "low gas" light will also be on.
Q: Should I drive a tractor trailer?
A: That depends. Is the guy selling them stupid enough to give one to you?
Q: What should I do if I drive by a mailbox?
A: Who drives by a mailbox? You're supposed to drive through them.
Q: Should I have a GPS?
A: Can you navigate your way out of the driveway?
Q: No.
A: It wouldn't help you anyway.
Q: Why is the GPS Obi-Wan got for me so stupid?
A: Is it turned on?
Q: How do I tell?
A: I don't know.
Q: What is the Anti-theft button for?
A: For making your passengers shut up for TWO SECONDS I'M TRYING TO DRIVE!
Q: What if the people in the backseat need to go to the bathroom?
A: Abandon them at a rest stop. They were taking up too much space anyway.
Q: What is a rest stop?
A: A place to abandon passengers.
Q: For my birthday I was thinking of getting myself a black ferrari and black sunglasses because it will make me look cool. Is this a good idea?
A: It is if you don't ask anyone this question ever again.
Q: When should I stop for food?
A: When you are hungry. Ignore the voices screaming that you haven't fed them since Wednesday.
Q: Ahsoka stole my donut!
A: Ahsoka is distracted right now. Offer to take her to a Dunkin Donuts and steal the donut she buys. Better yet, steal her wallet and buy donuts.
Q: Since I now have children, how do I keep them safe in the car?
A: Don't take them in the car. At no point allow them to even see a car.
Q: How do I make children shut up in the car?
A: I thought we weren't letting them in the car.
Q: AAAAGGGGHHHH!
A: This is why we don't let children in the car.
Q: Where is the best place to stop for the night?
A: The most expensive place possible. Remember, grab someone else's wallet when you pay.
Q: On a road trip, how should I pack the car?
A: Tightly enough that the passengers are on the roof. This makes it easier to fend them off.
Q: Can I make Obi-Wan ride on the roof?
A: Yes. Yes you can.
Q: Can I make Ahsoka ride on the roof?
A: Well, you can try. Watch the pointy teeth.
Q: Why can't I keep anything on the roof?
A: Because the passengers will throw it off in an attempt to get back at you for tying them to the roof.
Q: How often should I change my tires?
A: When the car is slanting down because the front tires have worn down too far.
Q: How often should I need to buy a new car?
A: When the one you have disintegrates instead of starting.
Q: This road sign says 'dead end'. What does that mean?
A: They are trying to keep you from driving on it. Full speed ahead.
Q: Should I be using driver's ed this much?
A: Considering your "driving" "skills", yes.
Q: How do I navigate a one way bridge?
A: Figure out which direction the other drivers are going. Go the other way because they are trying to trick you again.
Q: How do I drive on a one way road?
A: The opposite direction that everyone else is going. They are just playing their favorite trick on you again.
Q: What do you mean, this road only has one lane?
A: It means you can play extreme obstacle course while dodging trees.
Q: Something just flew out my car window. What was it?
A: Probably a passenger. Either way, doesn't matter.
Q: How and why do I switch gears?
A: Do I look like a mechanic to you?
Q: I have not seen a car on the road for around 10 hours. What does this mean?
A: You are probably not on the road.
Q: Explain the concept of 'turn signals'?
A: These are used to irritate other drivers. Turn them on 50 miles ahead of where you actually need to turn.
Q: Why can't I 'turn right on red'?
A: Because the road making companies are playing pranks on you yet again. Ignore those signs.
Q: Woops!
A: Drive quickly so that they don't see your license plate.
Q: What does 'detour' mean?
A: No one knows or cares.
Q: What if I can't see around a turn?
A: Floor it and yell. Also press your forehead against the horn. Anyone you might hit will move out of the way.
Q: I am in Amish Country and there are too many horse and buggies. What do I do?
A: You should break out the blasters and say "This is a stick up!" They will run and scream.
Q: I need to bring my wife in the car but there isn't enough space with the passengers. Who should I put on the roof?
A: Literally anyone but your wife or Ahsoka.
Q: SHE BIT MY ARM!
A: I warned you.
Q: What should I do if someone flips me off?
A: You should use your disemboweling fork from lobster night.
Q: My wallet is missing. Who took it?
A: Doesn't matter. Take anyone's.
Q: Why are my passengers singing?
A: Because you haven't used enough duct tape. If you are out of duct tape, rev the chainsaw.
Q: There is a tree down in the road but I need to go that way. How do I get through?
A: Your car will probably jump it if you go fast enough.
Q: Why am I in China?
A: When was the last time you had alcohol?
Q: My car exploded. Now my passengers and I are stuck in the middle of the Mexican desert. What should I do?
A: You should build a wall.
Q: Why are the squiggles on the road?
A: They keep the Oogie Boogie delegation and their floaty ball assassins at bay.
Q: How do I go through a tunnel?
A: At top speed with no headlights on with your head through the sunroof screaming about cashews.
Q: How the FUCK do I navigate the GODDAMN AIRPORT. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!
A: Drive onto a runway. Concerned airport employees will assist you at this point.
Q: I've been arrested. How do I break out of jail?
A: You are going to need a rope, a spoon, a wingman, money, and a lot of other things. Or an Obi Wan.
Q: Where are my keys?
A: My guess is in the trunk of the locked car with the windows up.
Q: Where is my car?
A: Check for disintegrated car on the ground. If your car hasn't disintegrated, I have no idea and I don't give a rat's ass.
Q: Where are my pants?
A: Check Padme's bedroom.
Q: What the heck is that?!
A: That is a moose with popcorn shoved up it's unmentionables. You were very drunk.
Q: There are farm animals crossing the road. How do I navigate this?
A: Rev the engine threateningly. If they don't move track down the farmer and gently persuade him with your lightsaber to move his animals.
Q: Why did my GPS bring me to Idaho?
A: Did you try at any point to program it?
Q: What is the big yellow one?
A: A giant potato chip. Eat it.
Q: I just hit a car which was carrying mafia. Help!
A: Now is the time to put the one driving skill you have to use. FLOOR IT NOW!
Q: Do YOU have a driver's license?
A: Not technically, no.