The Luck of the Irish
By: Ionia Metallium-Greywers
A/N: Yay! Another Farfie insanity fic! A big arigatou to Wacky, who made me laugh with her Leprechaun Man fic.
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiß Kreuz, I don't own McDonalds, I don't even really own ANYTHING.
WARNING: Same as last time. More insanity. Utter, utter insanity. So leave, if you don't like insanity. But if you're reading the counterpart of such a God-hurting fic (Cooking Hurts God), you must like insanity, ne?
-----
Farfarello looked around. He wanted to cook again. Unfortunately, the kitchen was occupied.
"Damnit, Nagi! Keep that paper mushy stuff away from my food!" Schuldich snarled and snatched his Skettios away from Nagi.
Nagi glared. "Well, sorry! Can I help it if I have to make a paper maché project for class!?"
"Yeah! You don't do it!"
"I have to do it!!! I have a perfect student reputation to keep, you know!"
Meanwhile, Farfie had walked up to the bowl of the sticky goo, and was inspecting it. He cautiously dipped a finger into it and stuck it in his mouth.
"And I bet that you don't even have as big of a--Farfie!!! No!!! Not the paper maché!!! Don't eat it!!!" Nagi scooped the bowl out of Farfie's arms. "You'll get sick! It's flour and water!"
Farfarello looked at Nagi and patted his head. "Don't worry. You're a better cook than you think." He walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.
After a few minutes, Schuldich looked at the bowl. "Better cook, huh...?" Schuldich looked at the bowl of paper maché. "Is it really that good...?" He dipped a finger into it and stuck it in his mouth. "BLEARGH!!!" He ran to the trash can and puked.
Nagi blinked. "Haven't you learned your lesson yet...? Don't take anything Farf says about 'good' food seriously..."
-----
"Where are you going?"
Farfarello stopped in the process of tugging on a black fishnet shirt. That was the shirt he wore when he went out somewhere.
"Nowhere, Braddy-kins. Just for a walk." Farf flashed Crawford a maniac's smile.
Crawford sighed. "Fine. Be back in a half hour. You know what happened last time you went out somewhere. I don't want to have to pay for another pet shop's worth of puppies." He massaged the bridge of his nose. "And for God's sakes, stop calling me Braddy-kins. Don't pick up Schuldich's habits."
"Oh, but that's why I do it, Braddy-kins. It hurts God." The white-haired one grinned and walked out the door.
Crawford sighed and returned to reading his newspaper. A moment later, he heard Schuldich throwing up in the kitchen, and Nagi saying something about 'Don't eat paper maché, it's bad for you.' The precog smirked.
-----
"Hmm...what now?" Farfarello looked around and grinned. He was getting all kinds of weird looks from people. Did they like his shirt? Or his eyepatch, perhaps? It wasn't every day you saw someone walking around Tokyo wearing an eyepatch, 8 or 9 earrings, a shitload of scars, a black fishnet shirt, tight black leather pants, and army boots.
Farfie spotted a McDonalds. "Oooh..." He gravitated across 2 lanes of speeding traffic towards the golden arches.
The Golden Arches called to him. Just like a moth to a flame, or a fly to a bug zapper. Mmm. Farfarello *liked* bug zappers. He decided it was worth a try, and walked to the door with the vinyl clown on it.
The jingly bells sounded as the door opened. The bored teenager behind the counter suddenly perked up. "Irasshaimase! Can I take...your..."
Farfie grinned at her. "Take my order?"
The teenager blinked. "A-ah...hai..."
"Good. I want a hamburger--"
"One hamburger!"
"--raw."
The girl paled. "M-make that raw."
"With pickles and lots and lots of ketchup, because ketchup looks like blood. Drinking the blood of His children hurts God a lot, did you know that?"
"P-pickles, extra k-ketchup..."
"And an iced tea."
"I-iced tea!" She turned, filled a cup with iced tea, and put it on the counter beside the bag with the uncooked, pickle-covered, extra ketchuppy hamburger. "That'll be 1,000 ye...n..." She paled again. "Uh...nevermind...it's on the house..." She added as she eyed the psychopath's knife, which was hanging off his belt.
Farfie took the bag and grinned. "Thank you for such a God-hurting meal." He walked from the counter, leaving the poor girl traumatized and needing therapy.
Farfarello took his God-hurting meal to the park, where he sat under a tree and ate it. Eating uncooked food and risking Ecoli hurts God.
"Look at the funny man, mommy," a little boy said, pointing with one hand and tugging on his mother's sleeve with the other.
"Now, now, dear. Don't point, it isn't polite." The boy stopped pointing at Farfarello, but kept looking at him. Farfarello smiled and waved back. The little boy's eyes grew wide, and he ran ahead of his mother.
Farf shrugged and went back to eating his burger. "Hmm...it needs something...ketchup and pickles isn't enough..." He looked up in the tree above him and almost motionlessly caught hold of a bird. He cracked it's neck open and let the blood flow onto his hamburger. "Better!" he exclaimed, and ate the rest of the hamburger.
He walked along the pathway through the park, sipping his McDonalds iced tea through a straw. It would be such a better day if the fucking sun wasn't out. Then again, the sun hurt people's eyes, and that probably hurt God very much. Farfie began wondering why He even made the sun in the first place if it hurt the eyes of His children.
In fact, the one-eyed psycho was so deep in thought about the idiocy of God that he ran right into someone, knocking the flowers right out of their arms.
"O-oh, sumimasen! It's all my fault!" The head of blonde hair covered by a backwards ballcap bent down in a bow, then the rest of the body assisted in picking the flowers up off the ground.
"Well, if it isn't the kitten." Farfie threw his iced tea aside and removed his knife from his belt. The boy looked up, startled.
"S-S-Schwarz!" Omi stuttered. "No...only one of you..."
Farfie dragged his knife blade across his tongue. "Your skin would look so beautiful with slash marks through it...but that will have to wait till later... I have other plans for you right now..."
Omi gulped. "W-what do y-you have in m-m-mind?"
Farfarello's expression contorted into one of distress. "Where's the Goddamned bathroom!?"
Omi paled. The BATHROOM!? That's all he wanted to know? Not the location of the Weiß base? Not where they could find Persia? Not even where there were a lot of people to kill? "Uh...th-the bathroom is...right over there..." He pointed to a small building with the arm that wasn't occupied with flowers.
Farfie grinned and ran towards the little building. Omi blinked. Should he tell Farfie that that was the women's restroom, and there was no men's...? Nah. He highly doubted Farfarello would care anyway. Intruding on women who were using the bathroom probably hurt God.
At that moment, feminine shrieks rang out through the park. Omi sweatdropped. Yes. It most likely did hurt God.
--Owari--
Well, there you go! ^^ Read and review, onegai!
By: Ionia Metallium-Greywers
A/N: Yay! Another Farfie insanity fic! A big arigatou to Wacky, who made me laugh with her Leprechaun Man fic.
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiß Kreuz, I don't own McDonalds, I don't even really own ANYTHING.
WARNING: Same as last time. More insanity. Utter, utter insanity. So leave, if you don't like insanity. But if you're reading the counterpart of such a God-hurting fic (Cooking Hurts God), you must like insanity, ne?
-----
Farfarello looked around. He wanted to cook again. Unfortunately, the kitchen was occupied.
"Damnit, Nagi! Keep that paper mushy stuff away from my food!" Schuldich snarled and snatched his Skettios away from Nagi.
Nagi glared. "Well, sorry! Can I help it if I have to make a paper maché project for class!?"
"Yeah! You don't do it!"
"I have to do it!!! I have a perfect student reputation to keep, you know!"
Meanwhile, Farfie had walked up to the bowl of the sticky goo, and was inspecting it. He cautiously dipped a finger into it and stuck it in his mouth.
"And I bet that you don't even have as big of a--Farfie!!! No!!! Not the paper maché!!! Don't eat it!!!" Nagi scooped the bowl out of Farfie's arms. "You'll get sick! It's flour and water!"
Farfarello looked at Nagi and patted his head. "Don't worry. You're a better cook than you think." He walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.
After a few minutes, Schuldich looked at the bowl. "Better cook, huh...?" Schuldich looked at the bowl of paper maché. "Is it really that good...?" He dipped a finger into it and stuck it in his mouth. "BLEARGH!!!" He ran to the trash can and puked.
Nagi blinked. "Haven't you learned your lesson yet...? Don't take anything Farf says about 'good' food seriously..."
-----
"Where are you going?"
Farfarello stopped in the process of tugging on a black fishnet shirt. That was the shirt he wore when he went out somewhere.
"Nowhere, Braddy-kins. Just for a walk." Farf flashed Crawford a maniac's smile.
Crawford sighed. "Fine. Be back in a half hour. You know what happened last time you went out somewhere. I don't want to have to pay for another pet shop's worth of puppies." He massaged the bridge of his nose. "And for God's sakes, stop calling me Braddy-kins. Don't pick up Schuldich's habits."
"Oh, but that's why I do it, Braddy-kins. It hurts God." The white-haired one grinned and walked out the door.
Crawford sighed and returned to reading his newspaper. A moment later, he heard Schuldich throwing up in the kitchen, and Nagi saying something about 'Don't eat paper maché, it's bad for you.' The precog smirked.
-----
"Hmm...what now?" Farfarello looked around and grinned. He was getting all kinds of weird looks from people. Did they like his shirt? Or his eyepatch, perhaps? It wasn't every day you saw someone walking around Tokyo wearing an eyepatch, 8 or 9 earrings, a shitload of scars, a black fishnet shirt, tight black leather pants, and army boots.
Farfie spotted a McDonalds. "Oooh..." He gravitated across 2 lanes of speeding traffic towards the golden arches.
The Golden Arches called to him. Just like a moth to a flame, or a fly to a bug zapper. Mmm. Farfarello *liked* bug zappers. He decided it was worth a try, and walked to the door with the vinyl clown on it.
The jingly bells sounded as the door opened. The bored teenager behind the counter suddenly perked up. "Irasshaimase! Can I take...your..."
Farfie grinned at her. "Take my order?"
The teenager blinked. "A-ah...hai..."
"Good. I want a hamburger--"
"One hamburger!"
"--raw."
The girl paled. "M-make that raw."
"With pickles and lots and lots of ketchup, because ketchup looks like blood. Drinking the blood of His children hurts God a lot, did you know that?"
"P-pickles, extra k-ketchup..."
"And an iced tea."
"I-iced tea!" She turned, filled a cup with iced tea, and put it on the counter beside the bag with the uncooked, pickle-covered, extra ketchuppy hamburger. "That'll be 1,000 ye...n..." She paled again. "Uh...nevermind...it's on the house..." She added as she eyed the psychopath's knife, which was hanging off his belt.
Farfie took the bag and grinned. "Thank you for such a God-hurting meal." He walked from the counter, leaving the poor girl traumatized and needing therapy.
Farfarello took his God-hurting meal to the park, where he sat under a tree and ate it. Eating uncooked food and risking Ecoli hurts God.
"Look at the funny man, mommy," a little boy said, pointing with one hand and tugging on his mother's sleeve with the other.
"Now, now, dear. Don't point, it isn't polite." The boy stopped pointing at Farfarello, but kept looking at him. Farfarello smiled and waved back. The little boy's eyes grew wide, and he ran ahead of his mother.
Farf shrugged and went back to eating his burger. "Hmm...it needs something...ketchup and pickles isn't enough..." He looked up in the tree above him and almost motionlessly caught hold of a bird. He cracked it's neck open and let the blood flow onto his hamburger. "Better!" he exclaimed, and ate the rest of the hamburger.
He walked along the pathway through the park, sipping his McDonalds iced tea through a straw. It would be such a better day if the fucking sun wasn't out. Then again, the sun hurt people's eyes, and that probably hurt God very much. Farfie began wondering why He even made the sun in the first place if it hurt the eyes of His children.
In fact, the one-eyed psycho was so deep in thought about the idiocy of God that he ran right into someone, knocking the flowers right out of their arms.
"O-oh, sumimasen! It's all my fault!" The head of blonde hair covered by a backwards ballcap bent down in a bow, then the rest of the body assisted in picking the flowers up off the ground.
"Well, if it isn't the kitten." Farfie threw his iced tea aside and removed his knife from his belt. The boy looked up, startled.
"S-S-Schwarz!" Omi stuttered. "No...only one of you..."
Farfie dragged his knife blade across his tongue. "Your skin would look so beautiful with slash marks through it...but that will have to wait till later... I have other plans for you right now..."
Omi gulped. "W-what do y-you have in m-m-mind?"
Farfarello's expression contorted into one of distress. "Where's the Goddamned bathroom!?"
Omi paled. The BATHROOM!? That's all he wanted to know? Not the location of the Weiß base? Not where they could find Persia? Not even where there were a lot of people to kill? "Uh...th-the bathroom is...right over there..." He pointed to a small building with the arm that wasn't occupied with flowers.
Farfie grinned and ran towards the little building. Omi blinked. Should he tell Farfie that that was the women's restroom, and there was no men's...? Nah. He highly doubted Farfarello would care anyway. Intruding on women who were using the bathroom probably hurt God.
At that moment, feminine shrieks rang out through the park. Omi sweatdropped. Yes. It most likely did hurt God.
--Owari--
Well, there you go! ^^ Read and review, onegai!