"It's Raining Men"
starring:
Shasta
Slinks
Voodoo
Harlaquinne
Relic
Wisecracks
Shasta was sick of being single so she gathered up all her single friends, Slinks, Relic, Voodoo and Harly and headed out to see her sorceress friend, Wisecracks.
Wisecracks was sitting across from her crystal ball watching her favorite soap opera. In this episode Jack was getting creamed by Sarah. "Jack tell me you ain't gonna take no shit from that whore!" 'Cracks practically jumped and turned off her ball when her client, the rather wacky Shasta and her even crazier friends walked in.
"What's wrong now Shasta?" Cracks groaned.
"We want boyfriends. And none of those toads you gave us last time, I mean real honest to goodness guys."
"Oh and I guess you expect me to make it start raining men?"
"Exactly." Shasta thought it was a perfect idea.
Cracks just groaned. Why did she open her big mouth? "Well uh seeing as how that's impossible, lets try something else…"
"No, we want it to start raining men now." Voodoo snarled, getting impatient.
Cracks rolled her eyes. "Alright alright, I'll see what I can conjure up. But I can't promise you no perfect men." Cracks sighed and walked over to her magic ball. "I'm just gonna see if this ball thinks it's a good idea." The group groaned and nodded. The ball switched on.
"Oh Spot you're sooo sexy…wait whats this? Spot! You're dicks…..limp as a noodle!" Cracks immediately changed the channel. The group started giggling.
"Sorry bout that." Seeing the surprised looks on the girls' faces Cracks straightened up. "What? A sorceress can't watch 'As Brooklyn Turns?'" The girls broke out in hysterical laughter. Cracks just grumbled. "So Mr. Crystal Ball?"
"That's MISS Crystal Ball. Get it right Mr. Wisecracks." Cracks hated this crystal ball. Ever since her old one ran off with the ladle from the kitchen, she'd been stuck with this snob.
"Fine. Miss Crystal Ball, what do you think of me being able to make it rain men?"
"Sounds fine to me." Cracks groaned. That wasn't the answer she wanted! The girls were grinning though.
"So make it rain men Wise old Cracks." Relic demanded.
Cracks snickered. "Very funny. Alright, I'll make it rain men. I can't say its going to turn out right the first few tries…"
"Just do it already!" All 5 girls screamed impatiently. Cracks threw up her hands and headed into her kitchen and pulled out her spell book.
"Fold three eggs into the dough and need it into a crust…damnit that's how you make a pie crust…WRONG BOOK!" Cracks threw that one over her shoulder and pulled out her real spell book. "Aha! Here we are…ok I need your help."
The girls looked at one another and gulped, helping Cracks wasn't too fun.
"I need 2 frogs, hair off of a muscle man, hair off of a sensitive guy, hair off of a jokester, and hair off of Prince Charming…hahahahaha now THAT is impossible to find so how bout the hair off of a NICE guy. Hahahaha good luck finding those. I also need flowers, candy and jewelry—."
"Wait," Harly interrupted. "Isn't that what the guys are supposed to get US? I didn't know we had to provide it…"
"Oh come on you actually think that we're going to create rich guys? They're all cheap bastards! No matter whether they come from the sky or not." The girls frowned.
"Alright, we'll do it." Shasta agreed and the other girls nodded along with her.
"Good. Since you want it to rain men and all, I suggest you get to it!" Cracks ran back out to her crystal ball to watch her soap.
As the girls left they heard a girl scream "But Patch! I'se only wearing the eye patch for sympathy! I can see fine out of this eye!"
"Ok, we gotta divide this up." Shasta said getting all leader-like.
"I'll take Harlem!"
"No Slinks, that's not what I meant."
"Oh."
"I'll get the hair off of a muscle man and some candy" Shasta offered.
"And I'll get hair off of the jokester and some flowers!" Voodoo said.
"I'll get the hair of a nice guy I guess…" Relic groaned knowing full well that finding one was going to be a problem.
"Oh no. That leaves me with getting the frogs…wait a minute…Slinks you're not doing anything!" Harly pointed her finger at the girl cowering behind Shasta.
"I got the sensitive guy and the jewelry!" Slinks darted away before Harly could throw any large objects at her. Harly groaned, last time she dealt with frogs which were supposed to be princes, the frog she had tried to eat her hand. They split up and about 2 and a half hours later the girls regrouped in front of Wisecrack's house. They all looked pretty frazzled.
Shasta walked up totally black and blue and her hair was all over the place. But in her bloody fist she held the hair of a muscle man and some candy in the other.
"She never said the muscle man would fight you to get hair off his head." Shasta mumbled out of a fat lip. Voodoo walked up looking pretty awful.
"Don't even ask." Voodoo growled clutching a few flowers and a few strands of blond hair. Welts were all over her arms and face.
Shasta couldn't help herself. "What happened to you?! Laugh until you got a rash!?"
"Very funny. No. I found out I was allergic to *ACHOO!* daisies." She started sneezing some more and thrust the daisies and other flowers at Slinks. "But do yoo knwow how hawd it was to fwind a fwunny guwy?"
"Not as hard as it was to find a nice guy." Relic grumbled pulling behind her a whole guy. "Guys, meet Mike, he's a genuine nice guy!"
"Um all we needed was his hair…" Shasta said rubbing the bump on her head.
"Yeah but how often do you find a nice guy?! I decided to keep him." Relic grinned at her find.
Slinks was next to show up. She was draped in wet tissues and she was still crying. "I found a sensitive guy alright. And he made me cryyyy." She sniffed back her tears. "But he got me the jewelry." She grinned holding out some nice diamond and sapphire embedded necklaces and rings.
"Guys, where's Harly?" Relic looked around. No Harly to be seen.
"There she is! I think…" Shasta pointed towards the girl in the wheelchair.
"Hey Harly! What'dja do? Get the killer frogs?!" Slinks laughed but then shut up when she got the evil look from Harly.
"No. I kinda had a run in with a crocodile. I tried those fancy moves the Crocodile Hunter uses but they failed. But I got your frogs." She held out 2 frogs.
"Well I hope this works…" Voodoo muttered opening Cracks's door.
"Good. I was wondering what you guys were doing. Get everything?" Cracks looked over at the girls and started laughing. "Guess you did. Just put it all over there. Relic, um, I didn't need a whole guy…."
"I knooow! Heres his hair, I just wanted to keep him!"
Cracks rolled her eyes. They all did. She started mixing all the stuff together, having some difficulties with the frogs since they had begun to talk and pretend they WERE princes. She stuffed them in the pot before they could say anything else. When the disgusting looking liquid was done, Cracks started speaking a different language.
"Bippity! Boppity! BOO!"
"Um, Cracks, isn't that what you do to turn pumpkins into carriages or something?" Relic asked.
"No! Damn Cinderella people stole my line. Well don't just stand there. Go check outside to see if its raining men!" The girls took off to the door. Voodoo was the first one outside and was whopped on the head by a…duck.
"Cracks! It's raining DUCKS not men." Voodoo cried rubbing her head and darting out of the way of the falling ducks.
"Aw damn, I did something wrong." Cracks shook around the liquid. "Supercalifragilisticespialidocious" she shouted.
"Um, Cracks, that's Mary Poppins." Relic was quick to observe.
"She stole that too." Cracks grumbled. The girls once again ran to the door. Shasta was the first one this time to get outside. Looking up all she saw were…elephants. She screamed and ran back inside before she almost got squished under one.
"CRACKS! Those are ELEPHANTS not men!"
Cracks grumbed some more and shook up the mixture again.
"Hocus pocus jiminy ocus."
"What was THAT?" Relic asked.
"Maybe if you wouldn't question it you'd get GUYS!" Cracks shot evil looks at Relic.
The girls once again ran to the door but they didn't want to step out, afraid of what they might find.
"Harly pushed Mike out the door with her chair. "You go check and see if its raining men!"
A second after Mike, the nice guy, stepped outside, he was killed by a falling piano. Relic screamed. "WHY DO ALL THE NICE GUYS DIE?!" Shasta shook her head.
"That's always the case Relic. They're either taken or they're handicapped." Shasta patted the sobbing Relic on the shoulder.
"Haha in his case he's more than handicapped." Voodoo snickered.
"Lets try this again Cracks." Harly muttered.
Cracks just looked at the liquid. "Make it start raining men."
"You coulda said that FIRST" Relic yelled at her, still bitter over the death of the nicest guy. The girls peeped out the window and to their amazement, it was raining men!!
"YAY!!" Shasta cried and ran outside to greet her guys. Unfortunately they all hit the pavement too hard and died on impact.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The girls tried to save each man, running around in circles but failing miserably.
Cracks snickered. "I didn't exactly say they were supermen."