~* A Rose Without Thorns *~
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by Mistress Triumph
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This has been bugging me and bugging me and it wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down. The little imp. Please read and revel in the very, very, very, very, very, very mild angst. CCC is always welcome. Flames I will play with. ^^ Fire…pyro…*explosion*
~*DISCLAIMER*~
I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. I wish I did. I don't own Nagisa Kaworu or Ikari Shinji. I REALLY wish I did.
Don't sue. No $.
~*WARNING*~
CITRUS ALERT!
Enjoy.
-Tri
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~"You are delicate like glass, and that earns my sympathy."~
~"Sympathy…?"~
~"I'm saying…I love you."~
*Why am I here?* The Third Child asked himself as he laid motionless on the hard floor, cushioned only by the thin mat under him. He stared upwards at yet another unfamiliar ceiling, brown eyes barely blinking, as he listened to the Fifth Child's quiet, soft breathing on the bed beside him. He'd said that he hadn't intended to go to Kaworu's apartment, so why was he here? Now? He'd barely known the boy for twelve hours, and now he was sleeping in his apartment. Why, he repeated to himself, was he here?
"Maybe I should take the floor, ne?" a deep voice suggested from the bed, and Shinji barely flickered his eyes at the mattress slightly above him.
"No, I'm staying at your place. I should sleep down here." He responded out of sheer politeness. It was nothing his father or mother had taught him, good manners had been something he'd learned all alone.
Like everything else…
…all alone…
"What do you want to talk about?" Kaworu asked quietly, casually.
Shinji wasn't accustomed to this. People wanting to speak with him…have some sort of conversation…? It was totally alien. So, he answered with: "Eh?"
*Oh, brilliant response, Shinji. Act a little bit more like a complete jerk, willya?* The everyday pattern of self-degrading thoughts fells into lace, long in practice, yet to be banished.
"You want me to listen to you, don't you?" The question was softly spoken, a gentle push.
Shinji felt some strange sensation rise into his chest, making his throat tight, but he suppressed it roughly. Did this near stranger really want to hear what he had to say? Was this Child that good at reading people to know how very badly he needed that outlet? Someone to just listen…someone to care…
It all blurted out before he had a chance to stop himself.
"Many things have happened since I came here. I used to live with my instructor. They were calm and boring days." His heart caught. "But, I was fine with that! There was really nothing I had to do."
*Only fight for my life and others' on a daily basis, keep up with my school work, take abuse from Asuka, get snubbed by Rei. It was nothing. Nothing. To my father, at least.*
Kaworu didn't need to know that, though. No one did. Nor did any of them wish to know. It was the same from everyone. No one cared, and he didn't matter. His father had said as much. A spare Eva pilot. Replaceable.
A mere thing.
"Do you hate people?" Kaworu queried gently. Shinji closed his eyes.
"Not really…I don't care." And then, "But I hate my father."
His brown eyes snapped open again to stare at the tiles above him. Shock, from what he'd said, and absolute confusion at the sensation that some burden had finally been lifted from his heart upon saying those five small words. *Why…why did I just tell Kaworu that?*
On an impulse he turned his head to the side so he was facing the bed, and felt the heat kiss into his cheeks as he discovered the white-haired boy wondering at him through half-lidded ruby eyes. A small, sensual smile curved Kaworu's pale lips, and he seemed contented. A new sensation rose into Shinji's heart, spreading through his middle, and it was just as breath-taking as the one before.
"I think I was born to meet you." The new Eva pilot said softly, a near whisper, and Shinji just knew he was blushing. It was painfully easy to make him do so, and not for the first time he cursed his fair complexion. Kaworu was paler than he was, he noticed absently, and he marveled at how the boy could say such things so freely, so casually, without a stain of pink coloring his high cheekbones.
"Stop it." Shinji said hoarsely, then swallowed hard, whipping his head around so he as looking in the opposite direction. "Please. Don't say things you don't mean. I haven't had anyone tell me those types of things, so don't tell me them when they mean nothing." He swallowed again, his heart beating a bit faster than before. *Don't say anything else. Don't say you love me. Don't say it. Don't. I can't take it. Not when I don't know what love is, let alone if it is something that even exists in this awful world anymore.*
The sheets rustled, and Shinji prayed that Kaworu had finally stopped talking and was turning over to prepare for sleep. The brunette closed his eyes, trying to slow his harsh breathing and ease his aching heart, but a sudden warmth at his backside made him start with surprise, turning back over quickly.
It was Kaworu. Warm, alive, his rose eyes unreadable, close enough to touch, but still at arms length. Crimson blinked at him, the boy's slender arms curled up, hugging his knees to his chest. "What types of things do you mean, Shinji?" The other pilot husked calmly. "What don't people say to you?"
Shinji could only stare, eyes round and shock still. Why was he being so persistent? "N-nani?" Was all he could manage to say.
"Is it true things?" Kaworu queried, that slanted smile beginning to reemerge. "Because that has been all I've said to you, Ikari Shinji; True things."
Against his better judgement, Shinji turned completely onto his right side to face the other boy, the sheets twisting up in knots as he did so. "What are you talking about, Kaworu?" he questioned, utterly bewildered. True things…honesty…where did those concepts belong in a world torn ragged? He himself had always tried to tell the truth, to be honest, but others just didn't see it as a necessity. And, he had to admit, he was beginning to believe that idea.
Kaworu slowly unfurled his limbs, a confident look etched on his face. "I'm talking about you, Ikari Shinji. I speak nothing other than truth. That is one other accomplishment of humankind; truth, honesty, and integrity. You should always be true, Shinji." A solemn expression crossed his face, followed swiftly by assurance. "To yourself more than anyone."
Shinji wanted to look away from those eyes, those open crimson portals to the soul. Honesty…honesty…was it really? He'd never had that. He didn't think so, anyway. Everything he'd ever been told had never been the whole truth. It was a rose without thorns. It would hurt you if you had the rest, but it didn't feel complete or right without it.
"It hurts," he said finally, and Kaworu's chin lifted to met his eye level. "knowing who I am. Being true. I can't understand myself, let alone be honest with myself."
"I can show you." Kaworu husked, inching closer with caution. "If," He smiled, leaving Shinji blinking in the expression's brilliant wake. "If you'll let me."
"Show me?" Eva Unit O1's pilot queried, his dark brows drawing together. "How?"
Kaworu slipped his arms around him, settling his hands at his lower back, startling the other boy into stillness. He pulled Shinji's taunt body against his own, the sheet slipping down past his waist in the abrupt action. "K-Kaworu, nan—"
"Like this." A whisper, and something wet was pressing against his mouth. Lips. Kiss. Kaworu.
Kaworu was kissing him. Soft, slow, and without hesitation.
Shinji's first screaming instinct was to shove the other boy away, to put some much needed distance between them. Especially their mouths. But the ivory-haired boy was already pulling away, lips moist and glistening, and the Third Child was desperately trying to control his suddenly ragged breathing. His hands were clenched in fists against the pale boy's chest, gripping some of the thin fabric of his white tee-shirt between his fingers. His eyes had not closed in that time-stopping instant, and they were fixed on red velvet, silently shocked, confused, and questioning.
Then Kaworu leaned in again, and Shinji found himself meeting the taller boy halfway, not understanding why he wanted this, knowing only in one twinkling that he did. Desperately, he wanted…
He wanted…
Shinji shivered as Kaworu ran his hands up the planes of his back, pushing away the rest of the sheets, gliding them under his own nightshirt. Hot skin on skin made him shudder, pressing tighter up against the bolder boy, and Kaworu flung a leg over his bare ones. Shinji gasped, opening his mouth, and the other pilot took that as an invitation. A tongue ghosted at his lower lip, asking, wanting. Shinji answered by tentatively opening his mouth a little wider, and the tongue slipped inside. Soft wet sounds filled the small room as Kaworu kissed him, Shinji letting the boy's muscle dance in his mouth for as long as he wanted. The feeling, the tight, sweet ache that he had felt before, built up all the while, spreading into his midsection and making his flesh stir.
Suddenly, his night shirt was gone, and Shinji grasped Kaworu's finely muscled shoulders as the other pilot claimed his lips hungrily, wrapping ashen arms around his waist to tug him against him as close as humanly possible. Finding his arms cramped up in that position, Shinji moved them so they were enfolded around Kaworu's thin throat, curling slender fingers into the sterling hair at the base of his neck. At the same time the Fifth Child moved his strong, smooth hands up to Shinji's hair, pulling gently at the short locks to turn the boy's face at an angle for easier access. Shinji made a low noise in the back of his throat, overwhelmed, but he just didn't have it in him to push Kaworu away. He felt as if his heart was going to explode, his chest felt like it was in some sort of vise, and his mind was clouded and hazy in the midst of a lip-lock that was making him see stars.
"Kaworu…" Shinji murmured, lightly urging the boy away, their lips making a soft wet sound as they drew apart. "I…need…air…" he said between gasps, resting his forehead against Kaworu's chest. The taller boy laughed softly, out of embarrassment, and reached up to gingerly brush mahogany bangs out of Shinji's heavy-lidded eyes.
"Gomen." He said, his deep voice rich and throaty. His voice turned sober, determined. "If you don't like this…if you want me to stop…"
Shinji's eyes snapped into full roundness, and he lifted his head so quickly he nearly banged the crown of his head on Kaworu's chin.
"Want you to stop?" Shinji repeated, searching ruby eyes that all at once seemed just as unsure as he was. "I…I don't know what I want. But," He licked his lips, taking a deep breath and closing cinnamon eyes. "But, I haven't gotten anything remotely like affection. From anyone. So," Shinji curled his hand tighter on the base of the pale boy's neck, making him blink in small surprise. "maybe you'll give it to me. Maybe you're the thing I want."
*No, maybe you're the thing I need. I need someone to care. To…*
"—love you." Kaworu's cut off words breezed into his open mouth as the separated from the kiss he hadn't realized he had pulled the new pilot down for. Shinji's eyes went, if possible, wider than ever before. The first time Kaworu had said it it hadn't really made an impact. Siting in a bath, very uncomfortable to begin with, his mind had been too fuzzy to let anything in. Now it did, and it was a crater in his heart.
"What?" he whispered, heart pulling a hopeful upbeat twitch on him.
"I love you." Kaworu smiled. No, he absolutely grinned, and the beautiful sight unexpectedly made Shinji's heart soar. "I told you. I was born to meet you."
Kaworu was drowning. Smothered in Shinji's kiss he clasped what warm skin he could manage to reach, the other Child pushing him down on the mat to taste him at length.
Kaworu's words burned deep into Shinji, but it was such a sweet pain. He didn't think anyone would ever say those three little words to him. Not ever. He didn't think anyone could.
He had always been the lost little boy. Weeping, longing, starving for the love no one could give him.
But Kaworu had said it. It was almost too perfect to be true.
Like a rose. A rose without thorns.
And just like that rose, something far in the back of his mind whispered as Kaworu began an entirely new advance, something was missing. Something that would hurt when he finally got it, like the cut of the bramble, like a blow to the heart.
~*owari*~