Mr. Monday: I have no idea where this story idea came from.
Battle for the Universes:
It was a normal day, or at least as normal as Ash had. Currently there were three deadites rampaging through the streets, there had been five but two had been cut in half, and Ash was working on a third. Before he could shoot the other two monsters down however, they exploded. A large bright light appeared in front of Ash, and standing in the light was a middle-aged white man with a large brown beard.
"Who the hell are you?" Ash demanded.
"Chuck Norris!" The man shouted, before a large fist came from his beard and punched Ash into a wall.
"What's the matter with you?" The aggravated Ash asked.
"For years I have been the king on the internet, whenever someone makes a lame joke about how awesome someone is they use my name!" Chuck Norris shouted angrily. "But there can be only one!" He charged at Ash, but the latter dodged and shot the crazy bearded man with his shotgun.
"So you have to kill me for what?" Ash asked, although he realized his question might not get answered if he had killed Chuck Norris.
"You are the character who is better than me, so I travelled from the internet dimension to eliminate you so that I would be the King of Awesome." Chuck Norris explained the retarded concept to the confused demon killer. "In the internet dimension I have unlimited power based off of the jokes that are made in my favor."
But Ash hadn't been listening, he had instead walked into a nearby house, after politely knocking with a shotgun blast, and used the internet. It was extremely hard to use the internet with a chainsaw, but Ash managed, so he looked up "Chuck Norris getting beat up." He was met with a video result of an Asian man named Bruce Lee beating up Chuck Norris. He researched Bruce Lee, and learned that the one man who could defeat Chuck Norris on the internet was dead.
"Shit." Ash said to himself.
About an hour later things had gone from bad to worse. Ash had attempted to use the Necronomicon to revive Bruce Lee, but the now undead, demonic martial artist stole the book and began causing mass chaos. Chuck Norris attempted to win this fight too, but found that by laws of the internet Bruce Lee was stronger than Chuck Norris.
"Alright, since this is your fault you have to come up with a plan to stop this demon from killing everyone on Earth." Ash said to the defeated Chuck Norris.
"My fault? I'm not the one who used a demonic book to revive the most deadly man on the planet." Chuck Norris replied.
"Just come up with a plan dickhead." Ash said.
In another hour things had gotten better, kind of. Bruce Lee had wiped out almost the entire population of the movie universe, and due to Chuck Norris's defeat everyone who's ever used a Chuck Norris joke's head exploded. However, Ash was standing in front of the most bad-ass characters in the movie universe. Father McGruder, The Terminator, King Leonidas, and John McClane. Chcuk Norris had been killed by Bruce Lee, and they were apparently the last hope of the universe. Before the battle however King Leonidas made a point making a rousing speech.
"Tonight we dine in hell!" He shouted, causing the other movie characters to sigh with indifference.
The King charged into battle first, using a nspear. Bruce Lee used karate, or kung fu or whatever, and kicked his ass, resulting in immediate death. Father McGruder jumped towards the undead Bruce Lee, and the two had a brief duel, which Father McGruder seemed to have won. He kicked Bruce Lee in the head several times, before punching him in the chest, sending him flying backwards.
"I kick ass for the lord!" The priest shouted.
Bruce Lee floated towards him, and karate-chopped his head off, reminding Ash that most of the movie characters he had with him died in their movies.
"Asta la vista baby." The Terminator, carrying a grenade launcher, shot Bruce lee several times, with no visible results. Bruce Lee charged forward and easily smashed the Terminator's head.
Before Bruce Lee could kill Ash or John McClane the latter swung forward on a rope that had appeared out of nowhere and shot Bruce Lee several times with a machine gun. Bruce Lee once again didn't seem fazed, and easily threw McClane several feet away. Ash realized that both he and the universe were completely fucked.
"Ash, if everyone who had ever made a joke overestimating me didn't die I would be able to create another dimensional portal." Chuck Norris said.
A teenager, who was writing the worst crossover story ever, sighed. He realized that for his story to progress he needed to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Chuck Norris is so awesome he can open dimensional portals in his beard.
Ash grabbed Bruce Lee and jumped through Chuck's beard. The two were transported into a barren desert wasteland. Ash aimed his shotgun directly at Bruce's chest and fired once. Bruce prepared to kill Ash, but realized that he was flashing with green light.
"Where are we?" He asked Ash.
"The Michael Bay universe." Ash replied.
Before Bruce Lee could do anything else there was a large explosion, killing the demonoid karate master once and for all.
Mr. Monday: wow, if you're still reading this piece of shit then I commend you, you are a trooper. Anyways, for added fun re-read this story while listening to the Scorpion's Rock You Like A Hurricane.