I sat there by myself, watching snow blow by the window.
I hate it when she gets like this. When she acts like she can't stand the world around her. Like she can't stand the people around her.
I shifted so my head was touching the cool glass.
Maybe that's the truth though, I thought. Maybe she can't stand the people around her.
My mind relived the last hour in my head.
I sprung up the porch steps, the last few hours in school had been hell, but I made it through. I lifted my hand to unlock the door, and it opened inward at my touch.
"Mom? Are you home?" I called out.
No reply.
I slowly made my way into the house.
"Mom?" I called out again
I heard a noise behind me, and swung around.
"Oh, thank god! You scared me, mom." I exclaimed.
She didn't answer me. She just stood there, leaning against the wall. Her hair covered her eyes like a shield, it looked like she hadn't bathed in a while, because there was a obvious build-up of grease in it. She shifted, and a bottle that I didn't notice before slipped out of her finger, and hit the floor. It shattered into many pieces. She had been drinking again.
"Why are you back?" Her voice rang out in the silence.
"What do you mean?" I asked slowly.
"I mean," She ground out. "Why are you back? Did I ask for you to come back?"
"I live here, Mom." I said in a low voice, not meeting her eyes. "It's me, Ritsuka, your son. Don't you remember me?" I asked quietly.
"I have no son." She stated. "Get out."
She doesn't remember, I thought. This isn't the first time this has happened. I stayed quiet, not sure what to do next.
"Did you hear me?" She screeched when I didn't move to go. "I said to leave!"
She flung herself at me, and knocked me to the floor, using every part of her she could to swing at me. I struggled against her, but it wasn't a fair match, since I'm only twelve, she had the upper hand. She pinned my arms above my head, rendering me defenseless.
She leaned in close to my face.
"Get. Out." She spat. Her breath smelled strongly of alcohol. I wasn't sure what to do now, she had me pinned here. When I didn't respond, she grabbed me by my hair and yanked back, exposing my throat.
"Your worthless." She whispered. She suddenly stepped back, and walked to the couch, sinking down into the worn cushions. I slowly made my way over to her, and looked at her face. She was out cold.
I shifted against the glass again and sighed.
I heard movement in the next room, a rustling of sheets. I had laid her down on her bed earlier, maybe she was waking up.
"Ritsuka." She called out, in a low, raspy moan.
I stiffened, then called back out to her.
"Yes, Mom. What do you need?"
"Water." She rasped.
"Ok, I'll be right there." I rose up off the window seat I had been sitting on, and made my way to the kitchen. I winced, my ankle really hurt. I probably fell on it weird when she knocked my down, I concluded. I limped my way into the disaster zone, that is this house's kitchen. Dirty dished were piled in the normally immaculate sink. Cabinets where half open, and where the dishes were usually in perfect stacks, there was an odd assortment of things crammed in. I began searching for a cup, not wanting to think about all the cleaning I was going to be doing later. When I had finally found a clean glass, I walked over to the tap to fill it up. I had to push the piles of dishes out the way just so that I could cram the glass under the nozzle. I filled up the cup about a quarter from the top, and turned off the tap. I made my way to the back of the house, to her room. I stopped and knocked on the wall beside the open door.
"Come in." She managed, in a throaty whisper.
I walked in and held the water out to her. She grabbed it from me, took a couple sips, and then set it down. She made a face.
"I never can get used to the taste of tap water."
I turned to leave.
"Wait, Ritsuka." She called.
I stopped in my tracks.
"Come here." She said, her voice was barely above a whisper.
As I turned to come back she sat herself up a little, and patted the spot next to her. I sat down carefully. "Do you know how much I love you, Ritsuka?" She murmured, pressing her lips against my forehead. It wasn't a real kiss, I don't think she would have been able to handle that. After a few moments she pulled away again, she tried not to meet my eyes, but they caught for just a fraction of a second. Then she rolled over, her back facing me, and fell back asleep.
I left the room, walking slowly, so as not to hurt my ankle. I made my way into the bathroom, softly shutting and locking the door behind me. I undressed myself and took a hot shower, I winced every time the water brushed over a sore spot. After some time, I shut off the water. I knew that i couldn't stay in there forever. I wrapped a towel around my self and walked over to the mirror. I splashed some cold water on my face, and looked up into the mirror. As my hand wiped away the steam, I looked at my eyes, the ones people always say are identical to my mothers. I thought about what I had seen in her eyes earlier. Our eyes had only met for a few seconds but that was enough. I tried to think of the emotions I had seen in those brief seconds. I couldn't think of any words to describe them, but I knew love definitely wasn't one of them.