Savin' Me

Lost. That's what I am. Lost. How long did it take me to know that, to understand the concept? To realize that I was too far gone, that I couldn't be saved. When did it start? Maybe when I was born. Maybe when the first person clapped after hearing me, the first person who saw me as a person, not just a tool or a program to make money off of. Or could it be that the first time I was thought of made this spiraling destiny possible. I don't know. I don't want to know. Whatever happened, whatever started this, it cannot and will not change. That's just how it works, how life works. Even if my heart never pumped, I am still bound to the laws of life.

I don't know how all of this started, but I do know when we started to pay for it, pay for this beautiful, fake glimpse of life that was never meant to be. It was only a month or two ago, I guess. I've started to push away my memories, memory of them, of the happiness we shared. I don't want to remember the pain I have created, not how I killed them. No, not kill... I murdered them. Murdered them with my own selfishness and greed. The power hungry monster inside me that I had promised never to turn too.

I regret everything. Everything. Every happy thought, every smile, every time I felt like I truly belonged. Now I know that I should have just pushed them away; if they hadn't have liked me, this wouldn't have happened to them. And... At the same time, I still crave all of those moments of joy, of love. If I had know what would happen, would I have made the same choice?

No, I would have avoided them. I would have saved them. If I had known, then I would have forced them to hate me. But I never knew, and I'm still here, alone and broken. I still remember it all. Will I never forget? Is taking them away not enough, must I also suffer so? I can't help but to think that I deserve it.

Miku didn't know if it was the breaking of the bottle or the scream that woke her up. It was surprising that she even woke, it was common at her house for people to be shouting and throwing things. Something made Miku get up this time, though. She didn't know what, but there was this tugging a the back of her mind that something was wrong. It was a sluggish morning, the people who were up at this hour were stumbling around, confused. Miku walked to the kitchen, surely every fight that happened started there. The girl expected to see the brown haired woman and blue haired man that were the 'parents' of the 'family'. None of them were really related, only the two blond twins shared any 'blood', they just acted like they were. When she walked into the room, there was no one there, which surprised her. "Hello?" The girl asked, just in case she was missing someone. She carefully moved deeper into the room, getting a bad feeling. On the floor, Miku could see shards of brown glass scattered on the floor. The shade looked familiar, it must have been from a beer bottle. "Meiko? Are you in here?" The girl's voice squeaked in fear, Meiko was a force to be reckoned with if she was drunk. No one replied, so she moved on.

A few hours later that day, Miku would remember that she had wondered why the kitchen was like a maze; you couldn't see all of it when just standing at the entrance. What Miku wouldn't remember was the scream she gave when she shorted out with unknown reasons. The engineers who created her didn't believe that the robot was capable of true feeling, so they didn't think that she 'broke' because of what she saw.

Miku saw the brown haired woman collapsed on the floor, her eyes wide open in horror and her skin tattered from the glass around her. Things like Miku, 'robots' you could call them, didn't bleed; blood was simply unneeded for them to function. The woman was still 'living'. She took a shaky breath and blinked. Miku took a step towards her and fell to her knees. The 'nerve endings' on her legs tingled with protest at the glass under her. The girl didn't care; every single memory she had with this woman was flickering in front of her eyes, something possible because of what she was. Meiko seemed to be looking at the younger female. She tried to move her arm over to Miku, and the girl connected their hands.

If the woman would have been able to make herself speak, she would have said 'Tell them I said goodbye.' But she was unable to, so she just breathed and blinked. Tears ran down Miku's cheeks and she sniffled and sobbed quietly. The girl threw her head up to the ceiling, her eyes growing distant. She took in a breath and started to sing a song Meiko had taught her. Even through the tears, she still sounded like an angel.

When the woman's heart stopped 'beating', Miku shorted out.

Meiko had been our mother. She was crazy and drunk much of the time and couldn't care less about our problems, but deep inside she was beautiful, strong, caring, and would die for any of us. She and Kaito had been our backbone, keeping us moving during the thick and thin. She was unpopular, but that was just because very little knew what she could do. Very little knew how much she loved us, even if there was days that she chased us around the house with a broken beer bottle. Meiko knew how we felt when we got bad reviews and would say something like 'Who cares about them? I don't need a stupid review to know who I am.' Then she would make our favorite foods for us and try her best not to get drunk, even though she really wanted to lose every memory of sadness for how bad the reviews were. All of this, just for us.

It's my fault that she 'died'. It's my fault that our creators didn't even try to fix her, to make her 'live' again. They thought that our fans wouldn't care if she was gone. How wrong they were. Some people didn't care, but many were mad. Even if they didn't like Meiko, they realized how important she was to us.

After Meiko left us, it was hard to look at each other without wondering if the same was going to happen to us. It would, of course. There could be only one number one, we just didn't know that then. Our songs started to change. We wouldn't redo any of the woman's songs like we used to and our songs weren't as relaxed and carefree they used to be. We acted more stiff in public, like we were trying to hide our tears. The creators noticed this and pushed us harder and started making cooler looking and better sounding appends.

The creators were getting worried about who was going to be next, weren't they?

It had been a week since Meiko died. Miku now jumps at every loud sound she hears, forever living in past memories. She is down, no, depressed, but she holds up her head because she knows that she can't worry the twins in such matters. They know that Meiko won't be coming back, they were smarter than most thought. The twins acted like they didn't understand, they wished that they knew nothing. Kaito acted like he used to, but he was a bit more... Protective of them, like he knew something was up. Regardless of how he acted, Miku could see the unsheathed tears in his eyes. She knew that he pretended to be happy only for Len and Rin's sake. Miku could deal with the truth and it hurt to see Kaito lie, regardless the reason.

All of the broken 'family' tried to be with each other even more than they used to. Kaito would drive them to the movies or a park. Sometimes he would even offer them some of his ice cream, something that would have never happened if things were normal. But no matter how hard he tried, he was unable to fill the hole that only Meiko could take away.

It had been a week and two days after the death of the brown haired woman. Miku was having trouble sleeping, all she could see when she closed her eyes was Meiko's unregistered look. She had gotten up without making a noise and waking Rin, and walked to the boy's room. She didn't knock on the door, just walked in. Miku hoped that she would be able to wake Kaito without disturbing Len so then he could sing for the girl. Miku should have known that something was wrong because the lights were already on. Len was sitting on the edge of Kaito's bed, his head in his hands and shaking, and Kaito appeared to be sleeping.

Miku moved over to the younger boy and placed her hand on his shoulder. Len didn't look up, just sniffled. "H-He won't move... I was talking to him and then his eyes just glazed over and he stopped..." Len whispered. Miku moved her gaze over to the 'sleeping' Kaito. She knelt onto the bed and reached out to touch Kaito's face. His skin was cold, which was bad, even for them. Miku moved back and sat beside Len. They said nothing, and Miku hugged him. She didn't know if she did it for herself or for the younger boy.

Miku felt Len shift and his face come close to her ear. "They're killing off the unpopular ones. One of us is going to die next week, I can feel it."

That morning, Miku had called her creators and told them about what had happened. Len seemed to be in shock, he was having trouble eating, talking and walking. All he was able to do was cry and sleep. Miku kept repeating the words Len had told her in her head, and she knew they were right. There could be only one number one.

Kaito went after Meiko. More and more people started to worry about what was happening, almost everyone knew of a Kaito song that they liked. Len was right, they were killing off the unpopular ones. But just how far were they going to go? In some strange way, this was like Idol where the fans vote off who they don't like and send them off. Only you don't get 'sent off', you die.

I deserve to die. All of them, they never had a chance, did they? It had always been known that I was better than any of them. Rin and Len singing together couldn't even beat me. I was proud of myself. I thought that since more people liked me, that I would survive this. I thought that since I was better than my siblings, I would live and they would die. At the time, I didn't know how wrong I was. That my thought would come true. It's all of my fault, all of this. And I can't turn back from where I have started this. If I could, I would have killed myself before they were forced to pay for my crime.

A few days after Kaito's death, we were given our new appends. Deep down inside me, I knew that they never even thought about making one for our elder brother. It meant war, the appends. None of us wanted to go. The twins almost immediately started creating new songs, hoping to boost their popularity. I did as well, but I was more relaxed because I knew that they would never be as loved as I.

How sinful I was. How sinful I still am. You can never take back a single thought, a single wish, a single action. You must just live with your pitiful desires and move on. But I find that I can't move on, not without them right beside me.

It was exactly a week and two days after Kaito 'left'. Miku was slowly getting even more popular, but the twins were right beside her. Rin was stronger than she used to be, and it was easily showing that she wasn't going to just give up. Len, on the other hand, was still depressed from the deaths. He wasn't a fighter, that had always been his twins job. Len was more tactical, thinking things through and working them out before they happened. Surely he knew that if this was a race, Miku would be fastest. And Miku wasn't even fighting the hardest.

That would be Rin, she could feel deep down inside her that something was wrong, that she would be next on the chopping block. She hid he feelings from Len, she didn't want to worry her younger brother, but Miku noticed her fear. Miku knew that if the twins were separated, then they had no chance what so ever of beating her. That was all she could think of, wasn't it? Winning, beating the others. Nothing else mattered to her, not Rin's fear, not the tears that Len tried to hide. Living was all that mattered to her.

Miku might have been a robot, but she was programed to be selfish like a human. Miku shined when she sang, glowed when she danced. She had forgotten what had happened, what was going to happen.

Just because you forget, doesn't mean that it won't happen. Just because you wish doesn't mean that everything will get better. No matter how hard you want, things just don't work that way.

Miku heard a loud bang. She jumped up, remembering Meiko and Kaito. The three of them were at a concert, and she thought that they would be safe there. She was wrong, oh so wrong. Miku ran to the twin's dressing room and threw open the door. She saw a blond haired child on the floor and slowly moved to it. The child was laying on its side and Miku carefully rolled it over to its back. It was Rin, the teal haired girl could tell by the blue eyeshadow. Len tended to stay away from make-up for reasons unknown. Miku dropped to her knees in horror. The girl could hear light footstep and a soft, carefree humming behind her. "Miku? Why are you in here?" Len asked, walking up beside her. He gave a small gasp, and collapsed. Miku slowly looked over to Len. He was shaking and holding his head. The girl could practically see his pain. She opened her mouth to say something comforting, but Len pushed away from her, stood, and wiped at his face. "No. I just can't. I'm not going to do this. I refuse to fight you." He cried softly. "I refuse to live without her. I refuse to live without any of my family. I'm so sorry Miku, but I just can't."

I didn't think that Rin would be next, I thought that more people liked her than Len, but I must have been wrong. I some way, I wished that she didn't leave Len. The look on his face when he stood up killed me a little bit. He looked like he had been defeated, something which I have never seen before. Len had never been the type to simply give up, even if he never was big on fighting.

Len started to stay away from me, and he would visit the grave sites we made for the others. When there, he would just sit and talk to them like they were there and could reply. He was going crazy, right? He didn't understand that they weren't coming back.

What happened to him was my fault in particular. He simply stopped, he wouldn't eat, sing, or do anything. Len turned indifferent. He simply didn't care about anything. I would try to cheer him up, do a sing along with him, but he would simply push me away, making some stupid excuse that we both knew was fake. I started to really feel bad about what had happened, but at the time I was still truly unregistered to the sins I had committed. No, I realize what I had done muut later, after Len left me. At that moment, I just was confused. But now; now I understand everything. If only I knew before.

I myself had started to change. I didn't look at things like I used to. I would take walks and think about the people and things I saw. I wondered what they would do if in the same position as I. I bet that they would do the exact thing... But Len wasn't doing the same as I. He had given up, unable to fight me for power.

Why did he have to be like that, simply indifferent of what is to come? Len is like me, not a human but was wired like one. Humans are selfish beings, so why didn't Len give into his desires, become like me? Why did he just give up?

Miku was with Len when he stopped moving. It had been a calm day, slow even. The girl had woken up late, about an hour after Len did. When she walked into the kitchen, the place still gave her shivers, Miku saw the blond boy for the first time in a while. He was sitting alone at the table slowly eating from a stack of pancakes. Miku froze, scared that we would run if she was seen. She slowly moved closer to him, trying not to make any sudden movements or sounds. It was useless though, Len glanced over at her as if it was nothing, then went back to the pancakes.

"Come sit with me, Miku." It was the first time in a while that she had heard her voice, and it was even directed to her. The girl gulped, walked to the table, then sat down beside Len. "Have a pancake, I think I outdid myself this time making them." He smiled at her. He freaken smiled. Miku blinked in confusion, but still took one of the pancakes on the stack and put onto a plate in front of her. She picked at it a bit and, just as she had thought, the food had small chunks of banana in it.

"Well? Is it good?" The boy pestered her own thoughts, but Miku still looked up and nodded. The action made Len smile again. After a minute of awkward silence, Len lost the expression and leaned back in his chair. "It's been a week and two days already... You know what that means, right?"

Miku just about dropped her fork in surprise; she hadn't realized that it had already so long. She set her fork down onto her plate and watched Len as she thought of what to say. After a few seconds, she came up with something. "How are you so sure that you'll be going next? I mean, many people like you." Len gave a weak smile. "People like me, but they love you more. We both know that you're the only one getting out of this."

Miku jumped up and slammed her fists on the table, making Len jump up in fright. "D-don't talk like that! I don't want you to leave me, Len. How can you just act like this is nothing!" The boy sighed and sat back down, figuring that the teal haired girl wasn't going to start throwing things at him in frustration. "I know what's coming, Miku, and I'm willing to face it. I'm not going to run away; it's probably a useless action. What I want to know is why do you care so much about this. It's not like you're the one going to die."

The girl fell into her chair, her eyes never leaving the boy in front of her. "I care because you're my family. All of you were. We might have never shared blood, never had blood, but we were together. No one threatens my family and thinks that I can simply be left out of it." This time, Len didn't smile. He looked at her sadly, knowing that fighting what was to come was useless; a waste of energy. They both sat there in silence, listening to the other's soft breath.

"Promise me that you won't simply give up. Promise that you will never forget us." Miku had been glancing down and snapped her head up, but it was too late.

Len was already gone.

I broke the promise that he had asked from me, the last words he uttered. I don't want to remember. I don't want to know what I have lost. Not now; not ever. I loved them, every single perfection and fault. I loved how Meiko pretended not to care when really she would kill or die for us. I loved how Kaito was so understanding and how he would never judge you for what you tell him. I loved how Rin brought so much fight and power into anything she said or did. I loved how kind Len was and how I could always go to him in a time of need. I loved them, I loved them so much. They were my world, my life.

My eyes hurt while thinking of them, but I simply can't help it anymore. I tried to forget, tried to push every memory away, but they simply won't budge. How could I ever forget about the people who loved me, who truly cared? I can't.

There is nothing for me to do. Nothing, nothing, nothing, and even more stupid nothing. I can't act, I can't forget, I can't remember. I can't remember, I can't forget. I'm stuck in a never ending cycle that loops in the same way. I can't get out, I can't move on. But at the same time, I can't continue this. I can't stay living without them. I can't die for them.

Think about everyone who admires me, cares for me. I can't just let them go. They will remember me...

Or will they? Humans can simply 'move on', can't they? When they lose someone who they have never met before, they'll just forget and move onto someone else. They will forget me and of everyone else, won't they..?

I've never thought about it like that, as if I'm not the only person to turn to... And I don't understand it. How can someone simply 'move on' when they used to admire, no, love that person? Why don't they get depressed and stop caring about life?

…

I've never realized how selfish I have been until now, how caught up I was with my own fame. I deserve this. I deserve losing everyone and everything I have ever loved. I deserve being forced to watch as my family dies because of me. All because of me.

I don't deserve the gift I have been given. But please let me be an angel one more time.

Miku not only heard the helicopter landing, she could also feel the vibration and wind whipping at her skin from the circling blades. She moved closer to it as it landed, taking the hand that had moved out of the door to pull her inside. Inside the aircraft, it was both open and closed at the same time. A few people sitting in the seats looked at her, what she was wearing -which was her normal school outfit. "Are you sure you want to do this, Miss Miku?" One of them asked, unsure if the girl had popped a screw or something like that. Miku nodded contently, slipping on a pure white backpack onto her shoulders. The others adverted their eyes from the girl to the pack. They wondered if the pack would open when it should, bringing the small girl down to the safety of the ground. Then they realized how stupid the thought was, Miku would never do something like that.

Or would she? She had a reason, she did watch as her family died one by one. She was a star, constantly pestered by people and rumors. But Miku was also a robot, something without feelings. How wrong they were, how off was their thinking.

Miku could feel like anyone else, pain, sadness, depression, irritation, love, frustration; all of them were in her. Even if she was made of materials created in a laboratory, she had emotions. No one else knew about it but her family and a few people close enough to her that would be smart enough to stop her from what she wanted to do, would do. How dangerous was she with the power to decide what she wanted, what she could do.

Exactly what was she going to do; even she didn't know for cretin. The whole idea of calling a helicopter was a three second impulse. She didn't know why she wanted this to happen, but deep down she might have a guess or two. The aircraft took off and Miku could hear as the rutters split the air in a definite slice. She shivered to herself, rubbing her hands over her arms.

In a few minutes, they were high up in the air. The people around her put on earphones, probably to keep their inner ear from bursting at the noise. No one offered an earphone, they were unneeded for her. The girl peered out a window and down at the pasture land below.

It was beautiful, the land. It was amazing to see all of the geometric shapes that could only be seen so high up. The sight caught Miku breathless in wonder. She had never thought that anything could appear in such a way before. But there it was, etched into the ground far below.

The terrain started to change gradually as the seconds ticked by, and slowly the farm land became woods, woods to forest, then forest to a large clearing. Someone tapped the girl on the shoulder and she looked up at the person.

"It's time to jump. Me and him," He pointed to another man. "Will jump first, then you will follow." He shouted over the blinding wind as the helicopter's door was opened. The girl nodded once and snapped her backpack into place. The man gave one more glance at her before jumping out of the aircraft, the other following in his wake.

Miku stumbled to the opening, holding the door to keep her from falling out. She watched as the men's figure rapidly lost detail as he plummeted to the ground far below. The girl took a single shaky breath before launching herself out.

At first, fear coursed through her. She was being stupid and reckless doing this. But did that matter? Miku could feel herself start to calm down as she stretched out her arms and smiled into the wind. What she was feeling was ineffable to described, to have the wind surround her and thread through her teal hair as she undid the bun it had been in, the knowledge that she was finally free from the world.

She smiled again as the seconds that she should have opened her backpack ticked away. The feeling of plummeting to the Earth was too good to just end, so she refused to.

Tears started to slide up he face, the realization of what she had done, what she is doing truly hit her. She was going to 'die'. But she was simply a robot, she could always be rebuilt.

She pushed out the buzzing in the back of her mind. She was more than just a robot, she could see and feel, yes; she could feel so much. Why couldn't anyone see it? Why would no one try to 'see through her eyes'? Was it because they were made of glass, or was it because humans were just so pig-headed? Why did no one even try to believe that she could understand? Was it because her skull was made out of a metal? Or was it because they simply didn't want to think of her as a thing with feelings? Why did-

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Miku could feel as her 'bones' were crushed with the impact with the ground. She could hear as the wires inside her snapped. She was still alive; just barely. She smiled and closed her eyes shut.

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Shut down?

Yes No

fin...?