A/N: I did some research, but this is not meant to be historically accurate. (It's all for the lulz.) Ahem. Bonus points if you can spot the Napoleon Dynamite reference, and 80 billion bonus points for spotting the Arrogant Worms reference...unless you're Canadian, in which case that might be easy. All innuendo is intentional, and I slipped in quite a bit :D
1807
"You boarded my frigate!" America barged into England's home uninvited, screaming at the top of his considerable lungs.
"What sort of inane drivel are you shouting about now?"
"The Chesapeake! Your stupid ship attacked my awesome American ship!"
"Right. What's that got to do with anything?" England, being a rather notorious pirate, thought nothing of a little maritime violence. In truth, he was currently in the middle of another war with France and France's bloody annoying, arrogant munchkin leader Napoleon, so whatever had America's panties all in a bunch was just one more naval battle among many. And one more naval victory, ha! Take that, you wanker!
America, on the other hand, was turning a rather unhealthy shade of purple, perhaps due to the fact that his flag was so needlessly complicated that the colors were starting to blur. He had told America on countless occasions - well, technically he hadn't told him, per se, since they hadn't been on the best of terms since at least the 1760s, and even when they were being friendly they had to tread carefully these days - that the stars and stripes were rather tacky. The British flag, on the other hand, was unquestionably stylish. It was so stylish, in fact, that in another two centuries it would become a staple in many a fashionable citizen's wardrobe, while the American flag would be relegated to Rex Kwon Do workout pants.
But in the meantime, America was turning a rather unhealthy shade of purple.
"W-what does it--?" He paused, normally cheerful face turning into a dark glower. "You owe me for this! And while you're at it, stop kidnapping my sailors and forcing them to join your navy! And stop taking my merchant ships!"
"Why don't you stop being such a whiny brat? You're the one who wanted independence, and now you know what it's like. Welcome to the Big Leagues, brother."
"Die, England! If you keep doing this crap, I'm kicking you out of my waters! I already told you that I wasn't going to get dragged into your fight with France!"
"Yeah? Fine! No one wants your filthy waters anyway!" Not after you dumped all that perfectly good tea into it, he hissed in his head. But it wasn't as if England was still bitter about the Revolutionary War. And it wasn't as if he was not-so-secretly planning to re-take his colonies as part of his bid for world domination. Of course not. The grudge was just because he couldn't stand to see atrocities committed against tea.
"Fine!"
The oversized nation stomped out of the room, slamming the door so loud it made his ears ring. Finally, that loudmouth was gone. Now he could go back to devoting all his valuable time and resources to making France miserable.
America, meanwhile, growled and muttered throughout the entire trip home. Even months later, he was still so frustrated.
"Who the hell does that bastard think he is?" he railed as he paced inside his home. "And my waters are not filthy!"
They weren't! He blushed angrily as he remembered that accusation. His shining seas were beautiful, much like his amber waves of grain and fruited plains. Sure, he had ships coming in and out sometimes, but not nearly as many as England! England was all about trolling other nations' waters and forcibly taking their ports!
"Sir! Sir, it's terrible!" A messenger came screaming at him. "The British have issued a decree banning all neutral countries from trading with France and his allies! They'll seize all our cargo if we try!"
"What the hell? He can't do that!"
This was trouble; big trouble. America was a hero, and heroes did not back down on their word. He had said he wouldn't accept trade with England if something like this happened, but now England was saying he couldn't trade with France. France's allies were pretty much half of Europe.
Who was left? Canada? But no, his little brother was siding with England now, and Canada really only had lots of rocks and trees, trees and rocks, and water. Along this train of thought, it wouldn't be a bad idea... He would strike out through the plains, penetrating through the dense northern forests to take Canada as a way of forcing England to change his mind...
"I'll capture Canada! Matthew is mine!"
"And...uh, sir... France says that we're not allowed to trade with England or his allies anymore, under threat of pretty much the same thing England said."
"Oh. Well, damn, that's not good."
And there went the other half of Europe.
-oOo-
1808
Dear Arthur,
You are such a prick! Just because you're pissed at France (like always) doesn't mean you have to take it out on me!1! My economy's weakening because of you!1!1!
Sincerely,
Alfred F. Jones
P.S. I'm still not over that Chesapeake thing. That was a national insult, and you're a prick.
-oOo-
Dear Alfred,
Shut your bloody mouth, you idiot. You've no right to be so sore with me, though since I've heard nothing but your complaints for the past few months, I've taken them into consideration. Of course I don't see why it's necessary for you to have ties with France, seeing as eighty percent of your trade comes from me - or came from me before you enacted that foolish embargo. (How's that trade abstinence working out for you, by the way? Nothing stimulating your economy lately?) But if you really must do business with the bearded twat, then I suppose I shall allow you to do so. Pay me tribute, and I'll instruct my cruisers not to plunder you too hard.
Sincerely,
Arthur Kirkland
P.S. Well aren't you cheeky? For the record, that was not an insult. You will know when you hear a British insult. In the meantime, you should work on your vocabulary and your manners, because every time you open your mouth, it's to change whatever foot was previously in there.
-oOo-
The Summer of 1812
Dear Alfred,
I'm sorry. This is quite difficult for me to say, but I was in the wrong. I should not have antagonized you, but I was merely afraid that you would side with France if I did not forbid you from having contact with him. I wish you would consider allying yourself with me, although I will also respect your decision to remain neutral. As such, the Orders in Council enacted in 1807 are suspended, and shall soon be repealed. You are free to trade with whomever you like.
Sincerely,
Arthur Kirkland
-oOo-
Dear Arthur,
I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU. THIS MEANS WAR. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT - I'M DECLARING WAR.
With boiling HATRED,
Alfred F. Jones
-oOo-
Alfred,
What. The. Bloody. Fuck. Is WRONG with you? Has the weight of Canada completely squashed your mind? I know he used to like crawling on top of you when you were both children, but I never thought he'd done lasting brain damage! I apologize and you declare war? Is that how you want to do things, you disrespectful little brat?
We'll do things your way, then. War it is!
Currently seizing your ships,
Arthur Kirkland
-oOo-
On June 16, 1812, the Orders in Council were suspended. Two days later, the United States declared war. Due to the slow nature of communication across the Atlantic, word of the war did not reach England until July, and news of the repeal of the Orders in Council were not delivered until August.
By that time, battles had already broken out.
Later, they would look back on all of this and think that it had all been a very unfortunate accident.