My life wasn't always as joyous as it is now . 15 years of my life was nothing but a tragic , miserable , depressive fucking mess that I just mindlessly habituated myself in . I barracked myself in a world that only existed inside my head with walls so damn thick not even nuclear bombs could penetrate the sturdy brick edging lining my brain, it was my save haven from the cruel world around me , I felt like nothing and only in the Utopia I created for myself was I anything .
Being a normal functioning human was hard when all I wanted to do was live inside my brain . The hardships of the real world weren't something I could mentally or emotional face . the way I lived my life is nothing impressive , my life story was never meant to be a beautiful one but rather it seems it was built to be a tragic romantic drama , a penny dreadful it think they use to call them back in the 1800s ; but I'm getting ahead of myself here , this story isn't just about me , this story is about her too . She is the first girl I ever loved ... the only girl I ever loved as a matter of fact . She is the reason for it all , she was that missing puzzle piece I never knew I was looking for . It's crazy how things happen in life and how you go through never knowing how things will happen .
She's the reason my life is better now ,you know . sure I always had my friends as my companions before her … if one could call them assholes who only made fun at my obvious surface flaws friends . I had slim pickings of who I kept company with , it was either the assholes or just be alone , being alone for me wasn't always a good idea . my depression hits harder when I'm alone . she was and is still the reason I stopped having those fits .
I remember when I first saw her all those years ago , the day is so vivid in my memory that If I sat wondering back far enough on that day I could still hear , see and feel everything from that autumn morning . she didn't know I was her soul mate yet , hell I didn't know she was ever going to be mine . I was friends with her boyfriend …. God he treated her like such shit, it use to infuriate me to watch someone like his dumbass treat someone like her as if she was an optional play toy , but maybe I shouldn't be so angry that he did because if it never was for that I wouldn't have made her my wife.
Anyway , I keep getting off topic here about our story . really its hard not to when my life is so much better now . the memories from my childhood through my teenage years are such shit I almost never want to entertain the thought of them . i love talking about her though , when I first seen her , her beautiful eyes met mine and I felt sparks of electricity pass through me . I had hoped she felt it too and maybe back then she did, but didn't know it was me who caused the sparks of heat passing through her veins . we were always drawn together . painted with the same colors of passion .
I use to watch her all the time and my mouth would become so dry watching her move . I never could manage much more than a hello out of my mouth to her , it was a little embarrassing . she tried to hold conversation with me but I just didn't know what to say .she made me nervous . she was the only reason I started going to school . which really is sad because I had different classes from her , I only seen her three times in a day but damn those 3 times was so worth it . however her boyfriend and I had the same classes , I learned so much about her listening to him . truth be told I actually hated him , I only spoke to him to hear about her . I read the notes she wrote him too . I think I knew more about her than he did . I wondered if there was anyway … someway she could be mine instead , she needed better and I could give her better . I needed better for myself , something to get me through the day . I had to talk to her , more than just a hello … what I was going to say I had no fucking idea . whatever it was it had to work though .