Disclaimer: I do not own the Clique.
I'm standing here at the alter in this extremely uncomfortable penguin tux.
Seriously who came up with this design?
No, I am not getting married;
I'm playing second fiddle to my little brother,
Cam.
Apparently he's fallen madly in love with an old classmate of his,
A Miss Alicia Rivera.
I think I met her a few years ago,
And the engagement party was pretty nice.
Still, it's a little weird to be the best man to your little brother,
Especially since he's only twenty-two.
But then again, that was always Cam,
Very impulsive and passionate.
He's standing about a foot away from me now,
With this nervous little grin.
Oh there's the organ...
Wow Alicia looks really pretty.
I'm sure she spent a lot of time picking out that dress...
Oh my God who...
Who is that girl?
She's in the wedding party,
Looks like the maid of honor.
She is absolutely gorgeous....
Like an older Alicia,
But more beautiful...
Is that possible?
I have to meet her...
Oh crap, the priest's looking at me....
Look.
Holy.
Now.
He gives me a satisfied grin as I stop gawking the bridal party.
Of course as soon as his eyes are off me I peek up again.
Well, Alicia chose a royal purple,
Figures,
Gown for her girls,
Looks like taffeta or something...
That girl looks absolutely perfect in hers.
Now Cam is glaring at me.
Look...down.
Oh right now I have to play the piano...
See, Cam is a hopeless romantic type,
So he decided to serenade his new bride,
In church.
And, as best man,
I make the second half,
Of this twisted Brady Bunch-esque duet.
So I'm choking on this stupid bowtie,
While playing "You Are So Beautiful to Me.".
Yeah, the congregation thinks it's absolutely adorable,
I think I'm falling asleep.
Really, I think weddings are nice and all,
But why do they have to be so damn long?
Especially when there are hot bridesmaids to pursue?
Well, whatever,
I guess I signed up for this.
...
...
...
...
...
...
Oh look, they have a ring bearer.
Someone told me that was Dylan's three-year-old,
Eh, they told me the name but it was something weird.
Hmm, he's actually pretty cute...
He looks oddly like me...
Oh great the vows.
You just know Cam is going to recite some love ballad...
Eh.
Oh no...not bad,
Pretty moderately timed.
Teary-eyed bride,
Check.
Teary-eyed groom.
Check.
Teary-eyed bride's side of congregation,
Check.
Oh, objections.
Do I object to this union?
Hmm, how interesting would that be?
Cam would beat me to a pulp...
But it'd be interesting.
So no, I haven't an objection.
Oh look they're kissing.
How romantic.
Excuse me while I start a'snoozin' again.
Well, it's over...
IT'S OVER!!
HOT WOMAN HERE I COME!!
Ok, so there are great pictures,
Champagne flutes,
Studio portraits,
Feh.
Well, I must say, this mysterious woman photographs very well.
You can just tell that shiny black chignon uncoils into a mountain of lustrous...
Oh wait we're leaving.
So I'm in this limo with Derrick, Chris, and Josh,
All of them trying to pop the champagne bottles.
"PARTY!!!" I think Derrick is already hammered,
What do you want to bet he ends up in a toga by the end of the night?
No, but even in his drunken state, he's babbling on and on about that little kid.
Maybe he's the father?
Oh good we're here...
I thought those three were going to break the moon roof.
Ok, this really shrimpy wedding planner is arranging us to be announced.
Ooh...guess who I'm paired up with...
Ms. Lady.
You know, this probably would have been the arrangement in the church...
But I think that wedding guy is kind of hammered too.
Anyways, they're locking our arms, and I'll tell you the truth,
She's even more beautiful in person.
She smiles politely at me.
I'm about to introduce myself, but they're pushing us out the door.
"The best man, Harris Fisher, and the maid of honor, Nina Callas!"
We barge into the reception hall looking all jolly and stuff,
But inside my mind is racing.
Nina...Nina...
What a pretty name.
I'm about to introduce myself,
AGAIN
But then my attention whore brother and his life partner make their grand entrance.
"Congratz bro." I clap him on the shoulder,
Hey you gotta give credit where credit is due right?
I may be trying to get the hotter maid of honor,
But my nauseatingly sweet Twinky-like brother did land a cool chick.
"Congratulations Alicia!" Nina is hugging the bride,
Ooh, do I detect an accent?
Hmm...import.
"Look, they can't even got CLOSE to each other..." Josh whispers to me, referring to both of them being,
Ahem,
Endowed.
"Who is she?" I ask him as he swills his alcohol.
"That...is Alicia, she's all in white cuz she's marrying your brother..."
"I know THAT jackass, who's THAT." I indicate Nina.
"That...is Nina, she's the maid of honor which is why they said that..."
Ugh,
This guy's dumber then the Abercrombie model he's itching to be.
So I ask Chris instead.
"Who's the maid of honor?"
"That's Nina Callas, Alicia's cousin."
"Older?"
"Twenty-three."
Hmm,
Not bad.
"How come I haven't seen her before?"
"She just flew in from Barcelona."
Hmm,
Spanish import.
I guess he saw my arched eyebrow because he smirked at me.
"Go gett'um tiger." he clapped me over the back as he discovered Kristen for a dance.
I smoothed my jacket and strode over trying to be all cool and casual.
"Hey." I nodded.
She arched an eyebrow at me.
"Cam? You finally fixed your gimpy eye!!"
Oh my God,
Was she adorable or what?
"No, no...I'm Harris, Cam's brother."
"Ohh..." she sipped her champagne, I'm sure a little embarrassed.
"I hear you're not from here."
Yeah,
I was THAT hot.
"Barcelona." she batted her eyelashes.
She so liked me.
"Wow, it must be hot there."
"All the time...so humid." she had a very brilliant smile.
"Probably not anymore."
Oh yeah,
Goin' in for the kill.
She arched an eyebrow at me.
"Well, you're HERE now."
Yeah,
Hotness.
She smiled at me.
"My cousin told me American boys had feeble pickup attempts."
Oh God,
I'm in love.
"Well maybe you should give me a second chance." I tried to be suave.
She looked over her shoulder,
"Maybe."
She sauntered away.
Making sure I noticed her tight ass.
I nearly collapsed right there.
But I was going to keep my cool.
I sat down and Alicia came up from behind me.
"Harris, I take my eyes off of you for TWO SECONDS and you're making a play for my cousin?"
I shrugged.
She knocked me upside the head.
She knew it was destiny.
Well, they had the first dance as man and wife.
As they flowed along to some sappy Celine Dion song,
I kept peeking across the dance floor at my prey.
She played eye footsie with me for a while,
But tried to avoid my eyes a few times.
She was so into me.
The daddy daughter dance soom followed,
And more eye flirting..
We flirted all throughout dinner,
Which I must admit was delicious.
When the dance music started,
I was ready for strike two.
"Hey passion fruit...how about a swing of the palm tree?"
Oh yeah,
Still hot.
She pursed her lips at me and gave me a look saying 'oh is that the best you can do?'
Now, I'm no Shy Fern,
I arched my brow and gave her a look saying 'Hey, you liked it didn't you?'
She threw her hands in the air and led me into the crowd.
The rhythm was slow, so I put one arm around her waist and we rotated in a circle.
"So tell me about yourself Miss Callas."
"So quick to assume I'm a miss?"
Oh,
I love a spicy girl.
"No assumption needed, you told me yourself."
"Oh?"
"You're here with your hand just itching to touch my scrumptious ass, aren't you?"
"You Americans have no discretion." she let me know,
Flirtatiously, of course.
"I hear stories about the Spanish."
"Oh, you can't judge by your new sister-in-law...she's our white sheep."
"Don't you mean black sheep?"
Maybe she was still getting used to English?
Then she looked me straight in the eye and said
"No."
Oh God,
I'm more in love.
"So trashy to speak of your own blood that way."
"So trashy of you to be turned on by it."
Oh.
Cupid's arrow right to the crotch.
Suddenly, most likely by request of those creepy zombie twins, some really spicy music blared from the speakers.
"Do you salsa, my white lamb?"
"Lead me."
She unstrapped her stilettos, and handed them to me.
"Hold these."
Could I refuse?
So she began swishing and swaying, looking desperate for a red rose in the mouth.
I tried to copy her feet, but of course that wasn't going to work.
She giggled at me and quipped "perhaps you are too vanilla for me."
"Well I do know one dance..." I gripped her tightly and breathed in her ear
"Tango."
So this girl is expecting me to throw her around the room,
But she doesn't know I'm beyond that.
All eyes are on us as we tango to some reggaton music,
And she looks pleasantly surprised.
"Well milkman, you do have some rhythm."
"I'm just getting started."
Before she could respond the announcement was made,
"BOUQUET!!"
"Get out there MISS Callas." I grinned like a fox.
They played a little novelty music as Alicia geared up to let it fly.
Taking my eyes off of my tropical lotus for a split second, I had to admit the scene was pretty humorous.
All of Cam's old female friends are gathered looking serious as hell.
Claire even smudged some eyeliner on her cheek like an NFL quarterback.
Those zombie twins are screaming some game plans at each other in Spanish.
Kristen is blowing kisses to Chris.
And Nina is pulling up her skirt, still shoeless.
There is goes...
And that little sneak Nina caught it right like it was planned.
She smiles smugly at me as my turn comes.
All the guys run half-heartedly onto the floor,
Including the drunken Len.
Cam throws the garter,
Len dives but smashes his face against the floor,
And somehow it sails right into my hands.
"FIX!!!" a few haters scream.
"YEAH MAID OF HONOR BEST MAN FIX!!"
Alicia tries to calm them down and Cam salivates at the glimpse of side-boob.
The DJ set up a chair right in the middle of the floor,
And Nina sits her pretty little butt down.
"I see we meet again Miss Callas."
"Just don't let your hand wander too far up."
She sticks her size 6 foot daintily on my bended knee,
And I have a slight though as to lick it.
But I don't, and I slide that bad boy up that tanned leg.
"My my Miss Nina, someone's been working out."
"My my Mr. Harris, someone's salivating.
I kiss her foot and the congregation goes nuts.
"Where did you put my shoes?"
"Right here..." I whip one out from nowhere.
"Now let's see if you're the princess."
I charmingly slip the first high heel onto her foot.
She rolls her eyes but smiles.
Then I slip on the second one.
"Why it's a perfect fit."
"I think I like you as my shoe slave."
I escort her off the dance floor as they roll out the cake.
Whoa...that thing's huge...
Cam and Alicia ham it up for the cameras,
Feeding each other,
Licking it off of each other's fingers,
Frenching from a slice.
So Nina squats right on my lap.
"Well, you're as good a chair as you are a shoe man."
"Well I try."
"Now eerily pale chair, go get me some cake." she smiles seductively.
Shit, she's good.
So I'm standing on the line for some cake when Chris comes up with his woman leaning all on him.
"I see someone works fast." he grins, tipsy.
I don't get a chance to respond, because Kristen inexplicably starts sucking face with him.
Ah, young love.
"If it isn't my dessert." Nina licks her lips "And he has cake."
"How sweet." I sit next to her.
"Now tell me old man, exactly how old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
"Honing in on thirty, feeling wrinkly yet?"
"I'll wait until I'm twenty-seven for that."
We laugh airily.
"You're very cute, even for an old knock-off of Cam."
"My exact sentiments for Alicia."
"You're a fresh one aren't you?"
"You don't even know...where are you staying?"
She purses her lips again.
"You didn't think it'd be that easy did you?"
She goes into her clutch and pulls out an eyeliner,
She scoots closer and writes something on my forehead.
"Call me sometime." she gets up and grabs her shawl to leave.
Miss Callas...
The next Mrs. Fisher?