This is my first Batman fic, so bear with any mistakes or errors. If you see them, leave a review so I'll know 83
This was made to be a bit OoC, because Christmas in Batland is, I'm sure, not a fun spectacle to view.
Nevertheless, enjoy 83
Dear Santa,
This year I think I've been a pretty good girl. I only shot a few people and I promise that I felt real bad after blowing up that schoolbus. Honest! I wasn't even aiming for it. Mister J was very upset about it, too. He's a real angel, huh?
Anywho, Santa, I guess I don't need to explain what happened, because you see everything. Let me just say on my Puddin's behalf that he really didn't mean to hit me that hard. Heck, who'd have thought my ribs were that flimsy anyway?
So, this year my list is real short. I just want one little thing, and that's to have my Puddin' with me for Christmas Day. I hope you can come through for me, Santa.
Lots of love,
H.Q.
P.S He'll probably act real angry when you come knocking, but don't take that the wrong way! It just means he's excited!
P.P.S This probably sounds a bit kinky for a Christmas gift, but if you tied him up that'd be swell. Him and Red don't see eye to eye and I'm afraid if he wakes up under her Christmas tree he's not gonna be too happy.
"What is this, Harley?"
Ivy held the letter between her index finger and thumb as though it carried the plague and gingerly laid it back down on the desk as Harley popped up from the couch she was laying on. "What's what?" She asked brightly, attention torn between her red-haired bestie and the antics of Scooby-Doo, the latter of which seemed to be winning.
A snaky vine crawled up the TV set and flicked off the power, causing Harley to pout and fold her arms, giving the redhead a sidelong glance.
"This," Ivy didn't touch it again, but gestured with the look of exasperated disbelief she saved especially for 'Harley moments'. "You're not telling me you actually believe in Santa, Harl..." Now, trotting along after a murdering psychopath was one thing, but Ivy refused to accept that even someone as clueless as Harley could still be falling for the Santa Claus gimmick.
The blondie was really putting on the pout now, and she hung dismally over the back of the couch, tracing whimsical patterns in the cushion. "He's come through for me every other year, Red!" She pointed out.
"So you think an obese, elderly man with flying reindeer jumps down the Joker's chimney and leaves you presents?"
"We don't got a chimney. I heard 'im come in the front door last year!" Harley giggled then, enthralled by the disgustingly sweet sugarplums that were bouncing around the empty space in her head, because there obviously wasn't a brain in there.
"Harley, I thought you were Jewish?" Ivy folded her arms and pulled up a slender eyebrow.
The blonde squirmed a bit and smiled guiltily. "Santa don't care what you are... he visits boys an' girls the same!"
Ivy sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "So a fat old man walked through the front door and no one decided to do something about it."
Harley looked aghast and laughed shrilly, bouncing onto her feet to stand on the couch. "'Course not! It's Santa, Red! Everyone's expectin' 'im!"
"And you think what you do on a day-to-day basis wouldn't land you on his naughty list?"
"Hey, a gal's gotta live, right?"
Green forest... peaceful green forest. Ivy stayed as calm as she could while several plants pulled away from her influence as the bantering escalated. She laid a hand on the nearest leafy vine and cooed to it until the greenery practically glowed from her attention. "Alright, Harl. Let's say Santa is real. You're still sending a defenseless old man to tie up the Joker and plant him here."
Harley nodded eagerly and waited for Ivy to do something besides recap her plan.
"Here. In my lab."
Another happy nod.
"Without asking if I want a psychotic clown in my living space."
Harley's lips drew a pretty downward bow and she scrunched up her nose. "Sounds a lot worse when you put it like that. I promise he'll be a real lamb!" She batted her eyes hopefully as Ivy sighed and returned to the chemicals she had been inspecting before Harley's stupidity had taken hold.
"Alright Harl, but I know you know deep down that he's not gonna show." Ivy pressed her eyes to the microscope, gently tuning the instrument and making overly loud 'hmm's and 'hah's at the specimen, feeling Harley's gaze on her and waiting for the television to flick back on.
The silence ticked into minutes before Ivy realized that the blonde had left the room without a word. The door of her room swung shut, leaving Ivy alone with a confusing lump of guilt brewing in her stomach.
She laid down the next sample gently, mindful of the glass slide as a weird, half-formed idea began sprouting in her head. Harley had a way of doing that– planting ridiculous thoughts in Ivy's head that would eventually bloom into some strange caper that she would have never dreamed up had any sense stayed with her through the ordeal.
But she didn't have anything else to get her friend for Christmas; if she pulled it off right, everyone would be happy by the end of the season, and Ivy would have her precious solitude back.
-
"You want me to what?"
The Joker stared at the cellphone he was holding gingerly between two fingers and cracked a grin, looking at the henchman it belonged to. How Pam had gotten his number was a mystery, but he didn't really care anyway.
"I want you to do this, or–"
"Or what?" He laughed. "You want me to let you tuck me under a Christmas tree– one that probably has fangs and spits acid– just to give Harley a wonderful Christmas miracle. I can give you lots of variations of 'no'."
Ivy sighed into the phone. "It's one–"
"Non."
"–Just listen–"
"Nay."
"Will you be–"
"Nein."
"Joker, do you consider yourself a man?"
He laughed into the mouthpiece and scoffed. "What now, Pammy? Gonna try the 'not a real man' approach? Nagoes!"
"No, but I have plenty of flytraps that could easily mistake those two wastes of sperm you have for blowflies."
Despite himself Joker shifted slightly, sparing a glance down as he replied. "I know you have a thing for wood, Pam, but you could have just asked." He laughed as she spluttered indignantly into the receiver. "To think, now poor Harl's got competition!"
"If you want to risk your manhood, that's fine by me. I'd gladly clip them at the bud!"
The Joker stopped laughing briefly, grimacing at her tone and looking at the thugs that were still waiting for him to hang up. They had banks to rob, and being the twenty-second already there was no time to waste.
He waved a hand at them and walked back into the funhouse, holding the cell more firmly. "Somehow I don't put it past you to take something else with them." He said testily, and scowled at the less-than-friendly laugh he got in return. "Let's pretend I did feel the Christmas spirit tugging at my crotch and went along with whatever plan you have. I don't sit under rabid trees for free, y'know." If Ivy of all people was calling him asking for Christmas favors, Joker knew already that she wasn't in a position to say what he could and couldn't ask for.
She sighed and he knew he had won. "What do you want?" Ivy asked cautiously.
"Don't you like surprises? I do."
"Fine."
Joker grinned, "Brr... cold, Pammie. See ya Christmas Eve!" The phoneline cut out before he was even finished speaking and with a new bounce in his step, Joker left the warehouse to join his merry band for an afternoon of gunfire, Smilex and blood-splattery.
-
The days passed quickly and Ivy watched Harley prepare for Christmas, twirling across the lab with tinsel and garland aplenty, tossing them haphazardly over her poor, distraught plants. The cheerful air was a bit sickening, and as Ivy tried her hardest to get back at her testing, she found herself counting the hours until Harley was out of her hair.
That being said, it wasn't as though she didn't like the company. She really did. Harley, unfortunately, was just a good thing when in small doses. Small being the several day span it took for her to fall back under Joker' spell. In those times Ivy could afford to lose some precious study time to watch chick flicks and have grossly shallow conversations about men(Carefully steering the topic away from pasty-white clown territory).
Two weeks of Harley was about as much as Ivy could take, and if the blond hadn't been getting swept off her feet in twelve hours, she would have been on the curb ages ago for screeching along to Mariah Carey. All I Want for Christmas is You was awful enough without the added effect of some strategically screamed 'Puddin's and 'Mista' J's.
"Dammit, Harley!" Ivy exclaimed at last as a third slide broke under the pressure of her grip. "Can't you put on another song?"
Harley's hold on the bubble-gum pink boombox loosened as she fixed Ivy with a stare that was commonly referred to as 'Deer in the headlights'. A moment later she beamed "Don'tcha like it, Red?" She squealed excitedly. "Gets ya right in the holiday mood, don't it?" Her finger inched towards the play button.
"No, it does not get me in the holiday mood, Harley. D'you have any idea how many trees are being maimed right now?" Ivy turned moodily back towards her work. "It's awful! I can't believe I even let you decorate my baby." She looked dismally at the young pine that was perched in the middle of the room. It was planted in an improvised bucket(A garbage can), and she had every intention of replanting it outside when the weather warmed up.
More disgusting indeed was the unusually pleasant feeling being given off by the sparkling tree. It seemed, for all intensive purposes, to be enjoying the attention.
"Awh, Pammy, I'm sorry 'bout all the plant abuse goin' around." Harley sauntered over and wrapped her arms around Ivy's shoulders in a friendly hug. "But Santa's comin' tonight, an' you gotta be in a good mood for hiiimmm."
She pushed the lithe arms away and pouted. She didn't get to spend all night dreaming about jolly, stout men and sugarplums... she got to deal with a likewise jolly, tall thing, and convince it to be quiet and cooperate.
Feeding off her thoughts, several thick vines stirred restlessly along the ground, snaking around Ivy's ankles while Harley pranced off. "It's eight already! Time flies, eh Red?" She giggled and the vines loosened to allow Ivy to turn around. "I'm off to bed, Pammy! Gotta be asleep when the Big Guy comes a-knockin', right?"
You have no idea Ivy thought as she nodded. For the first time there was a reason to be grateful for Harley's ability to sleep through a hurricane, for that was just what she anticipated would be hitting her humble abode within four hours.
–
It took every second of that time to hide whatever trinkets and equipment Ivy could without making the place look barren. With any luck he would just sweep in and sweep out without causing too much damage.
"Ha-arley!"
But, of course he was going to ruin everything first!
Ivy acted quickly, and the force of the vine that slapped into his mouth was enough to send Joker flying back onto his bottom, hands scrabbling at the greenery while his visage turned from cheery into devilish. She eased off on the vine and he took a spluttering gasp. "Merry Goddamn Christmas to you, too." He snarled.
Ivy folded her arms. "What was that all about?" She demanded angrily.
"I'm here!" Joker replied with a raised eyebrow. "I didn't say I was going to let you stick me under any trees." He looked at the pine, grimacing at the Disney Princess decorations. "You let her touch it, didn't you?"
They shared a moment of communal disgust before Ivy smiled in a way that made Joker start moving towards the door, though before he could react vines came rushing out from every direction, wrapping firmly around his legs and arms, binding them tightly to his torso. "Goddamn piece of–" He yelped when the vine gagged him again, and the Joker satisfied himself with glaring, squirming as the vines held him above the ground.
Ivy laughed under her breath and pulled out Harley's letter with a flourish. "'P.P.S This probably sounds a bit kinky for a Christmas gift,'" She looked up with a raised eyebrow and continued "'But if you tied him up that'd be swell. Him and Red don't see eye to eye and I'm afraid if he wakes up under her Christmas tree he's not gonna be too happy.'" She watched him splutter against the vine and hoped briefly that he wasn't going to start biting. Human teeth wouldn't do much to the tough skin of her babies but she wanted to avoid any unnecessary irritation.
"You said you'd do it, Joker." Ivy pointed out sweetly. "You didn't say anything about how it would play out. And Harley's going to be so happy." The continuous spluttering noises were a bit alarming, but then, she had never taken time out of her days to wonder how the Joker of all people reacted to bondage. Her mind was dark enough already, thank you very much.
She feigned an exhausted yawn and his eyes bulged as the vines neatly pushed him under the pine tree, still happily twinkling. "It's getting late," Ivy said lazily. "I'm off to bed." She laughed at the murderous look on his face(Somehow the gag took away most of his menace). "Don't worry, Joker. Harley will be up in six hours."
Ivy closed the door just as he began squirming anew. "Merry Christmas!"
-x-
As luck would have it, Harley awoke the next morning at six thirty on the dot, and barged into Ivy's room with a great deal of trumpeting excitement. What Ivy assumed to be the usual holiday salutations were exchanged before Harley excitedly waited for her to get moving. Christmas wasn't getting any younger, after all, and neither were they.
It was first obvious that something was terribly wrong when there was no sign of Joker in the main area of the lab. The pine tree seemed desolate and cold as Harley flocked to it, bravely hiding the little pout growing on her lips as she plodded around.
Gifts were exchanged in relative silence and Ivy stared down at the Poinsettia sprig that Harley had planted in an attempt to save the poor darling's life. It glowed under her stare and she felt a certain amount of happiness as she laid the plant on the floor
"Well, I guess you were right, Red." Harley looked down at her knees and traced a pattern across her legs sadly. "Santa just–" She choked and rubbed her eyes miserably. "He just couldn't come through for me this year."
"Don't be so sure about that!"
They both turned, and Harley let out a delighted scream, bounding onto her feet and taking off to where Joker had just entered the lab, covered in a light dusting of snow as he waved happily.
"Mista' J!"
"Merry Christmas Baby!" He exclaimed, catching her in midair and spinning her.
"How'dja know, Puddin'? Did Santa get'cha?" Harley snuggled him again and Joker met Ivy's eyes with a vicious grin that immediately softened when the blond looked up.
He shrugged and raised his eyebrows. "That's between me and 'Big Red', isn't it?" He chucked her nose affectionately. From behind his back he produced a small package and held it out. "Here, have fun."
While Harley tore away the wrapping Joker approached Ivy with a growing smile. "Merry Christmas, Pammy!"
She scowled and stood up. "How'd you do it?" Ivy demanded viciously. "Nothing's even changed!" It was true, the lab was untouched and every vine was present and accounted for.
"Christmas miracle." Joker said with a laugh, lurching forward when Harley collided with his back, two thin legs wrapped around his waist as she hung on for dear life.
"It's perfect, Puddin'!" She screamed, waving the new popgun with her free hand while Joker grimaced under the weight and dislodged her, setting the excited blond on the ground again. "You even painted it red for me! Yer a real sweetie!"
Joker looked at Ivy again and grinned explosively. "Don't be greedy, Pooh, we can't forget Pam's gift!"
"You even got Red a gift, Puddin'?!"
Ivy felt her stomach plummeting as they walked towards the door. The sound of engines made her eyes widen and she ran the rest of the way, hanging out the entrance to see no less than six trucks dumping evergreens across the snowdrifts surrounding her lab. The painful, dying throes of the greenery made her pale and she looked at Joker and Harley.
"Gee whiz, Mista' J, how'd ya find so many trees?"
"Oh, here and there. Lots of the poor dears around this time of year." He looked at Ivy and laughed. "Who better to save all those Christmas martyrs than the 'Green Thumb' herself?" He patted Ivy on her slumped shoulder. "Best get hopping, Red, I saw some really awful looking shrubs in there."
Ivy looked at him with growing rage. "Out!" She roared.
Harley stepped between them. "Awh, Pammy, he didn't mean anything by it, he's just–"
"Get out! OUT!"
Out they got. Joker dragged Harley to one of the trucks and they departed, leaving Ivy screaming profanities after them while running back and forth across the monumental pile of pine trees, offering comfort where she could.
As Harley snuggled into his arms, a thought struck her and she looked up. "Know somethin' weird, Puddin'?"
"Several."
She ignored the comment and continued. "Red didn't get me a gift."
His grin threatened to break his face in half and Joker pulled her closer, feeling unusually merry. "How odd. I think I can compensate."
Harley squealed.
"You sure can, Mista' J!"
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