Prompt Type: Song prompt "9 Crimes" by Damien Rice

This prompt comes from the Captain America Fanfic Challenge Forum. I was given this song to base a story off of. This rather abstract song talks about the feeling of cheating, of having feelings for another and your heart being like "a loaded gun." Have a listen and feel free to review and let me know how you think I did!

Steve Rogers sat with his forehead pressed into his hands, leaning forward over the pew in front of him. Images of Peggy passed painfully through his mind; Images of her when she was young and vibrant, of when she was old and wise, and finally today, her peaceful face in the open casket. He had managed to make it through the ceremony, accepting condolences as though he had been someone of importance in Peggy's life, bearing the precious weight of her casket. He had loved her, to be sure, but he had let her down. Ultimately she had sought love and support elsewhere, after all, he had given her no choice. Duty over love, that had been his choice. Now, alone in the Church, the weight of his grief was crushing him. He had avoided reminiscing about their past for so long, what good could it do? Now his mind dragged him through the memories, ripping open old wounds that had been sealed for some time.

The force of his emotion shocked him. He had been able to come to terms with the idea that Peggy had married Daniel Sousa, had borne him two beautiful children. He had sat with her and explained to her over and over that he had returned, had watched her joy again and again as she relived her relief that he was alive, all while knowing she would soon forget him again. He had seen her love for him rekindle in her aged eyes, still so warm and kind, but it had never felt like this; had never hurt quite like this. He sat back abruptly in his pew, hands pulling over his face. He met the gaze of Peggy's portrait still standing at the altar, her expression knowing, a twinkle in her eye. In his mind's eye he watched as he stood next to her, both of them standing in the church surrounded by family and friends, Peggy radiant in her wedding gown. He lifted her veil and reverently touched her face. She smiled, her teeth so white against her crimson lips, and leaned forward for the kiss.

"Steve?" A small voice at the back of the Church made Steve's heart lurch. For a moment, just one blessed moment, he thought that sweet feminine voice belonged to Peggy. He turned around quickly to find Natasha, looking uncertain for once in her life, and walking down the aisle to meet him. He watched her come in a daze, his mind pulling up memories of a different kiss, one that had been unexpected, but powerful. She watched him as she continued to walk the long aisle, her expression cautious. He should have known she would come, they had grown so close in the years they had worked together. He trusted her, to the surprise of many on the team, and she in return always had his back. Exhausted and grief stricken, he watched her come closer, his mind transferring his previous thoughts onto Natasha. As she came up the aisle, he saw her in a wedding dress, reaching out her hand for his, and his traitorous heart flipped in his chest. Quickly he turned around and looked back towards Peggy. Guilt knifed through him as he met her gaze, and he put his head back in his hands, gritting his teeth against it.

When Natasha reached him she stood next to him silently for a moment, gazing at Peggy's portrait. She had been the kind of woman that most could only hope to be; strong, morally unassailable, kind and loving. Natasha looked at Steve's hunched form and felt her heart start to crack. She should have known better than to fall for him. He deserved a woman like Peggy. Still, she couldn't keep herself from hoping, foolishly she knew, that Steve might find some solace in her. She took a deep breath and placed her hand on Steve's shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly.

Steve sat up slowly and put his hand over hers, silent for a moment.

"What are you doing here?"

She looked at her feet, considering her answer. Deciding to be truthful she answered, "I didn't want you to be alone."

Steve looked up at her, their eyes meeting. She was so different from Peggy. Her green eyes and red hair bore no similarities to his first love. She was sharp where Peggy had been soft, dark where Peggy had been light. Yet there were so many similarities, so many qualities about Natasha that made him want to love her. He could see Natasha and Peggy, had they ever met, being excellent partners in crime, both sharp shooters, both fiercely loyal. Their quick wit and tough love were so similar, it made him smile. Natasha saw it and gave him a questioning look. He shook his head, quickly wiping the smile off his face. He couldn't do this. Natasha's past had only shown her that men could not be trusted. She deserved a man who would have love only for her. Steve was so tied up in Peggy, that he doubted he would ever truly be able to love again with his whole heart. And a whole heart is what Natasha deserved. To hand Natasha his heart while it was full of love for another would be like handing her a loaded gun, one that could only harm Natasha herself. He wouldn't do that to her. She deserved so much better than that.

Steve stood, "Thanks for coming out here. I'm going to be ok." Natasha looked up at him, taking in his disheveled appearance and the grief lining his face. "You will be, but you aren't right now, and that's ok." Seeing his expression, Natasha opened her arms to him, and Steve couldn't help but to accept the invitation. He wrapped his arms around her, so grateful for the contact, for the comfort her small body offered him. He pulled her tight for a moment, then opened his eyes. Peggy still stared knowingly at him over Natasha's shoulder, and he pulled away quickly. He ran his fingers through his hair anxiously, still staring at the photograph. Natasha looked between Steve and the picture, sensing Steve's thoughts. She could not keep the hurt off of her face, despite knowing how he was hurting, knowing it was unfair of her to expect more from him before Peggy had even been buried. She swallowed. She would never be a woman like Peggy, but she knew one who was.

"Are you going to the cemetery?" Natasha asked, knowing the answer.

"No. I just… I can't bear it."

"I know, Sharon either. She's actually just outside. It would be good of you to walk her back to her hotel Steve. You both need company, and I have to go." Natasha had shifted into spy mode, her expressions not betraying her true feelings. Steve looked at her, sensing he was missing something, but she simply gave him a soft smile. Giving his hand a squeeze she looked one last time at Peggy, and then back to Steve.

"Don't keep her waiting too long." Natasha turned and walked resolutely out the door. Steve watched her go, a feeling of Deja Vu coming over him. He sat down and looked at his hands, knowing that he was experiencing a defining moment, but uncertain what to do. Going after Natasha was out of the question, he would only hurt her. Spending time with Sharon, a woman with Peggy Carter's blood running through her veins made his heart sore. Looking up towards the altar he sighed.

"I'm just going to stay here with you for a while Peg. Is that alright?"