Chapter One
Avon sat on the sleep platform in his cell, his knees pulled up against the cold, a minor comfort, but the only one his captors had not been able to take away. If they could find a way, he knew that they would remove that one too. The sharp pains from his body and the exhaustion were his only companions against the isolation.
He never knew how debilitating loneliness could be. It wasn't the peace of solitude that he normally needed, a time to recover from the stress of dealing with others; it was an aching, soul-destroying emptiness. It was the knowledge that he was completely and utterly alone; and he was afraid.
The others thought he was dead. No one would be coming to rescue him from this living nightmare. He wished that he could fall asleep and never wake up again; that they would torture him to death and to leave him dead. Instead, they were slowly destroying every part of him. His body, they would leave to the last. When everything else was gone, would they finally give him the oblivion of death? Or would Servalan leave just enough of him so that he could forever appreciate what she had done to him. He didn't have to calculate the odds to know the answer to that question.
Alone. Without hope. In a place where death was a luxury.
He didn't know how much longer he could hold out against Servalan and Sester. They had all the advantages, and all he had was his own mind; a mind they were well on their way to destroying, a mind that they had already forced to work for them. He was helpless against the conditioning; he had to work, he had to serve them. He had no choice.
They had made him dependent on the drugs. Without them he would slowly descend into the madness of the nightmares. Servalan had made him little more than a puppet; a slave to her whims and desires.
Anguish. Humiliation. Helplessness. Depression. Each day seemed worse than the last. Servalan was always most creative when thinking up new ways to torture him. The only thing which gave him any real comfort was the knowledge that Cally was safe. He had been able to save her; she was still alive. It was the only thing that gave him any hope.
You can do anything to me, Servalan. As long as Cally stays alive. It wasn't just the need to no longer be alone.
The cell door slid open. Servalan waltzed in wearing a trademark elegant white dress. Somehow the colour made her seem even more sinister. "Avon. I have something very important to tell you." She seemed to be bursting with the need to tell him something. The happier she looked, Avon knew, the worse the news would be for him.
Servalan continued with a cruel smile, "I am sorry to have to inform you that Cally is dead."
Avon cried out in agony. This news was the worst torture she could inflict on him.
**********
Cally heard a pained scream and was overwhelmed by a blast of emotional pain. For a moment, she was stunned by the intensity of the feelings and then she got up and rushed to Avon's side. Avon's knees were drawn up; his arms hugged his body protectively. He was moaning. Cally's arms went around him, attempting to give him comfort and trying to reach his tortured mind.
* Avon wake up. It's me, Cally. You're having another nightmare. It's time to come out of it. *
She was becoming increasingly worried about him. The nightmares, as the drugs wore off, were getting progressively worse. They were claiming him earlier. She was afraid that eventually, the drugs would no longer be able to hold them off. On that day, she didn't know what he would do; she didn't know what she could do to help him.
As she held him, Avon's body was shivering. She tightened her hold on him and projected as strongly as she could into his mind. * Avon! You have to break through the dreams! Please, Avon. You have to fight. * Cally knew that he must be experiencing torture of some kind. It was usually this or something even worse. She could not imagine the things Servalan and the Federation must have done to him.
Something wet touched her skin. With shock, Cally realized that tears were flowing down Avon's face. This had never happened before.
* Avon! Please! You have to come out of it! Avon! It's Cally. I'm here. Come back! *Cally was frantic. He was scaring her.
A barely perceptible mental voice said, * C-Cally? *
* Yes, Avon! It's me. Please come out of it. * Avon's eyes opened and she could see a naked pain in his eyes; when he saw her, it was replaced with a faint fearful hope.
"Cally?" HIs voice sounded weak and hoarse. It was a moment of vulnerability she had never seen before on his face.
"Oh, Avon." She cried and hugged him, putting her head on his chest.
Instinctively, Avon put his arms around her. "It's alright, Cally." On one hand he was trying to reassure her; on the other, holding onto her, was like grabbing onto a lifeline. The memory of Servalan telling him that Cally was dead was still fresh in his mind. He couldn't tell anymore if it had been real or if it had just been a cruel nightmare from his deteriorating mind.
Cally looked up at him, "No. It's not alright. It's getting worse. Yesterday it was about your brother. What was it about this time?"
Avon's jaw tightened in stress. It was already bad enough having to face the nightmares in his sleep. "I don't want to talk about it."
Cally was aware of his distress and she knew that he would resist discussing it, but she had to try, for his sake. "Please, Avon. I know you think that it doesn't serve any purpose to talk about it. It's very clear from the way you've cleverly avoided saying anything meaningful in those therapy sessions with Argus. If you need a reason for your rational mind, then do it for me. What's happening to you scares me."
A grimace flashed across Avon's face. She was right. It wasn't just about him anymore. There were two of them now. He may not consider it important for himself, but it was important to her, and for that reason, it should be important to him as well.
The last thing Avon wanted to do was to hurt Cally. Her worrying about him was something he could not help; it was something he could not control. Until he fully recovered (and he had to convince himself that he would eventually), she would always be worrying about him. The one thing he could do was to not add to her concerns. If it was in his power to do that, he would. It was something he could do.
He told her, "In the dream, I was in my cell at the detention centre. Servalan came in." He had a stab of irrational fear at the memory of the dream. Avon kept his eyes fixed on Cally's face, trying to commit to his mind every feature, every expression; reminding himself that the nightmare had not been real.
This is real. You are real. You're alive. He held her tighter, feeling the reassurance of her body pressed against his; a warmth that could penetrate even the cold cell of his nightmares.
Cally was very aware of how Avon was feeling. She was more aware of him now than she had ever been; he was no longer just at the periphery of her consciousness. Cally guessed that it had something to do with the breaking down of Avon's mind. The mental barriers that he normally had in place to protect and isolate himself were wearing thin. She wondered how he would react if he knew; he would most likely try his best to put them back up.
Avon continued, "Servalan told me you were…dead." The last word came out in a reluctant and pained whisper.
Cally's feelings at the idea that he could be so affected by the thought of her death contrasted with her anger at Servalan's cruelty. "We will kill her one day. Just the two of us," she said vehemently. There were so many reasons to kill that woman.
Avon said, "I don't know if it happened. Or if it was just another nightmare."
"Does it matter? She's done more than enough to both of us. I want her dead."
This was the Cally he had first met on Saurian Major; the one full of anger and a need to tear down the Federation. She had been very young then. Avon knew it was a part of her that she had let go of. He didn't want her to take it up again because of him.
He asked her with his thoughts, * To destroy until we are destroyed? *
Cally lifted her head up from his chest to look into his eyes; and saw that he was teasing. She smiled softly and projected to him, * Maybe just the first part. *
* You're no longer the person you once were on Saurian Major. *
She had a puzzled expression on her face, she didn't understand what he was trying to convey. * Don't you want to kill Servalan? *
There was tightness in Avon's throat when he responded. "Yes."
* But you don't want me to? * she asked.
* You're no longer a person who wants to destroy, * said Avon.
* You never were. *
The corner of Avon's lips curled in a brief smile. * You knew? *
* Not until much later, when I was trapped on Terminal. I had a lot of time to think. You only did it because of Blake. When you had a choice later, you never chose that path. *
Avon's smile disappeared as she spoke into his mind. His stomach twisted in pain at the mention of Blake's name, Avon grimaced. He wasn't ready to deal with this, he wasn't sure if he ever would be able to.
Noticing his reaction, Cally asked with concern, "Avon! Are you alright?"
Avon grimaced again. "Yes. I don't want to talk about this. I can't."
Cally wished she could take her words back. * I'm so sorry, Avon. I should have remembered. * The mention of Terminal and Blake, touched on some of the worst nightmares Servalan had inflicted on him. * We won't talk about destruction or Servalan, or nightmares. *
* No more talking. * Avon leaned down and kissed her. It started out as a teasing and gentle expression, but soon grew to reflect their growing passion for each other. All fears, worries and anger were pushed aside; feelings became action, and action fed feelings. Their bodies were entwined together and for the first time since they started sharing physical intimacy together, Avon did not experience fear or repulsion.
They both took pleasure in the discovery but were careful not to take the final step. Neither of them wanted this moment to be marred by a reminder of another thing Servalan had done to Avon.
**********
Vila was depressed.
He was in the dining area, trying to drown his mood.
In a bowl of ice cream.
A big bowl, a very big bowl, he was going to need another one soon.
Vila really wished he had not promised Avon that he would think first before taking a drink. Not that he didn't think that Avon was right, it was inconvenient, especially when he was feeling like this. He cleared the remainder of the vanilla ice cream with his spoon, sighed at the empty bowl, and got up to get another one. He waited until one of the resident Athol soldiers picked up his meal tray of something that looked like meat, piled on some more meat, of a different colour and a side order of something Vila didn't recognize. Which was odd considering that Vila thought he had gone through the entire menu of the food dispensers at least once. Must have missed this one. Though from the looks of the way it sat on the plate, there was probably a reason why he didn't remember this particular delicacy.
The soldier nodded to him and then moved off. Vila stepped up to the vacant dispenser. Maybe something a little less plain this time. Chocolate? With some sprinkles? And a wafer? He ordered up the concoction. The appearance of the ice cream made Vila even more depressed, and less depressed at the same time. It was very strange. Vila picked up the tray and went back to his table.
As he absently swirled the ice cream around in the bowl, he realized that in a way, it was fitting that he was trying to divert himself with ice cream. The alcohol would not have been appropriate.
Vila missed the children. As the Justice got farther and farther away from Kaarn, the more he felt their absence. It was silly, he hadn't known them for more than three weeks, but he was already attached to them. Avon would most likely have had some snide remark about an overly developed sentiment or the irrationality of developing such strong feelings over such a short period of time.
But Vila didn't care. All he knew was that he loved those children and they loved him.
At times, Vila really wished he had chosen to stay with the soldiers who had decided to remain on Kaarn. He sighed and dug his spoon into the chocolate ice cream.
**********
"Are you trying to use me?" Reya asked Argus. The temperature in their cabin seemed to drop several degrees with the tone in her voice.
Argus winced. He had said in no uncertain terms to Avon that he was never going to do this, and here he was doing it. Sester knew of the existence of the hybrids and the remnants of the Auronar. That was an unfortunate fact that they couldn't avoid. He also knew of Kaarn but due to Reya's diligence, he didn't know where it was. For Argus, this was still too dangerous. They needed some other way to ensure the safety of the children and the secrecy of the new Auronar home planet.
He said, "Please, Reya. I didn't intend to ask you but you're the only one who can do it. Our only other option is to kill him. Even throwing him off the ship won't work, he'll report straight back to Servalan. We can't let him do that. She's already tried to wipe out the Aurons once."
"Stop trying to lecture me,Drel Argus. I know that already." When she said his name, it was not in an endearing voice. Reya was not very impressed with what he was trying to do, even though she understood and agreed with the principle of it.
"Then what's the problem?" he asked in an exasperated tone.
"The problem is you," she told him.
Argus's voice began to rise. "Are you going to let him get between us? This is about the children and the Aurons."
"Don't try to confuse the issue by bringing them into it," said Reya. "This is about you and me."
"And HIM," said Argus. He was clearly angry now.
"I'm not going to talk to you until you've calm down," said Reya.
"Stop trying to patronize me!"
"And stop trying to bring Sester into it."
"Why not? He's the problem!"
Reya stared at him, not wanting to say anymore because she didn't want to aggravate him further. Sester was a sore point between them and she was afraid that he always would be. She couldn't wait until Sester was off the ship and no longer able to cause them trouble. It didn't help that she still felt guilty about what happened on Papos. She said in a quiet voice, "Please don't do this. I'm sorry I brought it up. I'll try to talk to Sester about it. I know it's important."
Argus felt rotten at her change in manner and he was angry with himself. Why do I always do this?
His voice also softened. "I'm sorry, Reya. I don't know what comes over me when I think about him. It's not just jealousy. At least, I don't want it to be." He reached out and put his arms around her. "Are you angry that I asked you to do this?"
"Yes."
"But I thought that you understood why," said Argus.
"I do. That's not why I'm angry. You just asked me to tell Sester. You never gave me a choice."
"You could have said no. It wasn't an order."
"It's the way you asked me. You knew I couldn't say no," said Reya.
Argus's shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way."
Reya put her hand on his chest. "I know you didn't. I guess I over-reacted as well. It felt as if you were trying to use me and you wanted to use Sester's relationship with me."
Argus said, "I felt really bad about asking you but I didn't see any way around it. It was either this or do something even more drastic and I knew you wouldn't like that."
"I'll talk to him. But I won't use his feelings for me," said Reya.
"But Reya…" Argus didn't understand.
"No. I refuse to." Reya was very firm about this. Just as she didn't want to be used, she refused to manipulate Sester by using his feelings for her.
Argus said, "We need him to agree to keep Kaarn and the existence of the Aurons a secret."
"I will explain it to him. He will listen to reason." She was certain that Sester would see the need.
"Reason?" Argus was clearly sceptical.
"Do you trust me?" asked Reya.
"Of course I do. I just don't trust him," stressed Argus.
"Let me do this my way."
Argus could see the confidence and resolve in her eyes. He said, "Alright. We will try it your way. But if it doesn't work, we may have to try something more drastic."
"I understand. I don't think that will be necessary."
"I still think you're placing too much faith in him."
"You don't understand him."
Argus doubted if she did but he refrained from saying so. It aggravated and worried him to no end that Reya's usually sharp perceptions and natural suspicions didn't seem to apply to Sester. He fully expected that they would have to apply more direct pressure on him.
Chapter Two
Cally was busy reading and running through simulations in Avon's lab. The care of the children had put her medical studies on hold and she was trying to catch up. The Justice was due to arrive back at General Reve's headquarters in a few days and she wanted to be farther along before she talked to Healer Garett again.
Avon was at a workbench nearby. Currently he was trying to break the encryption on the files he had downloaded from the alien research facility.
They hadn't spoken to one another in several hours. Each was content being in the other's presence. There was no need for words to fill the intervening space. It was something Avon appreciated about Cally; silence did not make her uncomfortable.
As he was working, a part of Avon's mind was concerned about something. His subconscious mulled it over as the active part of his mind concentrated on his task.
When he was ready to talk about it, without looking up, Avon said, "Cally."
Without turning her head from the text on the screen, Cally said, * Yes, Avon? *
* Have you noticed something about Vila? * asked Avon.
Cally turned to look at him. * Why do you ask? *
* It may be nothing. Perhaps I'm wrong, * said Avon.
* What have you noticed? *she asked him, trying to solicit the information before he really did decide it was nothing.
* He appears…unhappy. * It wasn't strange for him to notice such a detail, but it definitely felt strange to broach it as a topic for discussion.
Cally wondered what he was thinking about. It seemed odd to her that Avon would care enough about something like this that he would want to talk about it. He did with her but that was different. This was someone else. However, perhaps because it was Vila, it shouldn't have been that surprising. It could be a natural extension of Avon's desire to work on relationships with the various people on the ship.
* Yes, I had noticed that, * she told him.
Avon lifted his head from the decryption he had been working on and turned in her direction. * Do you know why? *
* I can guess, * she told him.
* Can you tell me? *he asked her.
* Why don't you ask him yourself, Avon? * In the same way, Cally had encouraged the children to develop their verbal skills; she was hoping to persuade Avon to develop his social ones. She wondered what had happened to him in the past that prevented him from acquiring such basic skills; or what was done to him. Cally had been meaning to talk to Vila but this was even better.
* I would prefer doing something for him, * said Avon.
* You always prefer doing something rather than saying something, * said Cally. * But if you want to improve your relationship with Vila, you should start talking to him. At least sometimes. This is a good opportunity. Find out why he's unhappy and then you can do something about it. One works better with the other. *
Avon fell silent as he thought this over. * The likelihood is that I will not say the right things. *
* Don't let that stop you, Avon. It's important that you try. *
Avon said, "Alright."
**********
Sester exited his cabin and headed towards the dining area. He saw Reya approaching and turned around and walked the other way.
He heard her voice behind him. "Don't do that. I want to talk to you."
Sester stopped but didn't turn around to face her. "I thought that our encounters in the corridors made you uncomfortable?"
"This is not an encounter - not your kind anyway. I came to see you."
"I see." Sester turned around. Her beauty and the bright energy of her personality always took his breath away. "I don't think this is a good idea, Reya. What if someone sees us? What if it gets back to Argus? What if he shows up?"
"When have you ever been concerned about that?" asked Reya.
"Not for myself. I'm not afraid of him," said Sester.
"You're worried about my relationship with Argus?" she asked.
"I know you don't believe me, but I only want what's best for you." He said this with such sincerity that it was hard not to believe him.
Reya really wished he would stop doing that. "And you've concluded that the best thing for me is my relationship with Argus?"
"Yes." There was a faint expression of resignation on Sester's face. "I know that you'll never be happy with anyone else. Especially not me."
"I'm sorry that this had to happen."
"You have nothing to be sorry about. It was my own fault. I should never have allowed it to get this far."
"Is there anything I can do?" In a way, Reya did feel responsible for how he was feeling. She knew that she shouldn't, but she couldn't help herself.
Reya's professional mind told her that this was a man who could not be trusted and that every word out of his mouth should be met with open scepticism. Her personal instincts were another matter. When he spoke, his voice wormed its way through her defences, making her want to believe him. Her sense of danger did not work when it came to Sester; in fact it had the opposite effect. She had to continually remind herself to be careful of him; to not take everything he said at face value.
Sester put his hand up and said, "Stop acting as if you cared. It only makes it worse."
He had an almost irresistible, natural impulse to feel her body beneath his. He imagined crushing her resistance with his desires… Sester tried to exorcise the thoughts from his mind. He almost took a step backwards, away from her. "What do you want from me, Reya? Why were you looking for me?"
"How did you know that I needed something from you?" she asked.
"Would you be here if you didn't?" he asked with self-mocking sarcasm.
There was a flash of guilt in Reya's eyes. She said, "You're right."
Whatever it was, Sester could see that she was reluctant to bring it up now. "Ask me."
Reya told him, "It's too dangerous to let the Federation know about the children or that there are Aurons still alive other than Cally. Their existence and that of Kaarn must remain a secret."
Sester already knew what she wanted. "You're concerned that I will tell the Federation. Or more specifically, that I would tell Servalan?"
"Yes," replied Reya.
"You know that if Servalan ever found out that I knew, and didn't tell her, she would most likely kill me? And that would be the least unpleasant of her options."
"I know that it's asking a lot."
Sester studied her face and found what he expected to find. "You know that if you asked me not to tell her, then I wouldn't?"
There was a troubled expression on her face. "I know."
"It would be the easiest and the only sure way to know what my answer would be. As a psychostrategist, I would not hesitate to use such an advantage in order to achieve my aims. Don't you think that your goals are worth ensuring my cooperation?"
"I can't do that to you. I want you to do it, because you want to do it. For the sake of the children and for the last of Cally's people. And because you don't want Servalan to win in this way."
It was more than just her beauty that drew Sester to her, Reya believed in him. She had no reason to, she just did. It was one of the reasons he found it hard to let her go. He didn't want to disappoint her.
"I promise you, Reya. I will not tell Servalan or the Federation about the children, the Auronar or Kaarn. I do not want to see them harmed either." There was an unforced sincerity in his manner. It was a simple statement of truth.
Again, Reya wished he would stop doing that. She had to face another (appalling) truth; she could not do her job where Sester was concerned. I will have to talk to Argus. She felt as if she had failed him again but the security of the people on the ship was more important than her own personal considerations.
**********
Vila was tending to his shift on the flight deck. He was bored and depressed. His stomach didn't feel well because of all the ice cream and he really wished he had made a trip to the medical bay before starting.
He was working his way to a very foul mood. The flight deck was empty of people except him, which suited Vila just fine. He didn't want anyone around right now. Any unfortunate person would probably run off soon enough. He increasingly wished that he had decided to stay on Kaarn with the children. The fact that he hadn't was a mistake he was regretting.
Avon came down the steps to the flight deck.
Vila turned around to see who it was. "Cally's not here. Argus isn't either. In case you were wondering." He tried to sound civil; he didn't want to scare anyone off right away.
"I know where they are," said Avon as he crossed over to the couches and sat down facing him.
Vila did not feel sociable right now. Deciding that Avon was probably here to work on something, Vila ignored him. He looked down at his panel to run over the reports from the daily systems checks. He could have asked Zen; it would have been much easier, but Vila didn't want to talk to any computers either.
As he did this, it was quiet, which wasn't unusual. Avon rarely felt a need to say anything unless he had to; but even the quiet was bothering Vila, because it was a silence that had someone else in it. He glanced up to see what Avon was doing, wondering when he would finish and leave. Vila saw that Avon was staring at him. He wondered how long he had been doing that. It made Vila feel uncomfortable.
Vila said with irritation, "Why are you looking at me like that?"
Avon had been analyzing the situation, trying to decide how to begin. Vila's attitude told him that things had progressed beyond just simple unhappiness. Avon doubted if he was the right person to deal with this. It was better handled by someone with more experience, or at the very least, with more sensitivity.
"Is there something you wanted to talk about?" asked Avon.
For some reason, Avon's question made Vila even more irritated. It wasn't just the fact that he had no idea what Avon was asking; it was the thought that someone who didn't have a clue how he was feeling would be here asking him questions.
"Why would I want to talk to you?" Vila couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice; not that he was trying very hard. He was feeling depressed and sorry for himself and he wanted everyone to leave him alone. He wanted Avon to leave him alone.
Avon had to think about Vila's question. He didn't know why Vila would want to talk to him either. He wasn't someone who could help. This was something outside of his experience. It felt strange doing it, but Avon was determined to try; this relationship was important to him.
Deciding that this was going to require a little more creativity and effort on his part, Avon said, "You appear to be having some difficulties lately."
"It took a genius like you to notice that?" asked Vila with a snide tone. "Or did Cally have to tell you?"
Avon wondered if helping someone was supposed to result in being verbally attacked. He decided that it must be his approach with was provoking this reaction. A more direct manner was required. "No one had to tell me. It may be beneficial to talk about it. I'm trying to offer assistance."
"What could you possibly do to help me?" asked Vila angrily. He was intent on pushing everyone away. His voice dripped with cruel sarcasm. "You can't even help yourself. Have you even noticed that there are clothes with colours other than black in your size? Maybe I should come and help you pick some out, shall I? You'll have to wait until after my shift ends though. I mean, not that you're even capable of taking a shift; we've had to take all of yours. Argus doesn't think you're able to handle one yet, does he?"
Avon didn't react to what Vila was saying; there was no expression on his face. There wasn't anything Vila said that wasn't true. It was a painful reminder of his current condition. He might be able to manage occasionally, even display a flash of his former intelligence now and then, but he was far from being the man he used to be. What occurred this morning had shown him that. He couldn't even handle a conversation with Vila without it turning into something ugly.
In the past he would have returned biting sarcasm with equally nasty remarks; using aggressive wit to augment the emotional walls which shielded him from the daily struggles of living in a hostile galaxy. Because of Servalan, he had learned that walls didn't always protect you from what you fear the most.
Avon got up stiffly. "I should leave you alone." It was no use being here. He only seemed to be making the situation worse.
"Yes, you do that," said Vila dismissively. "And don't come back," he muttered to Avon's retreating back.
Avon's foot reached for the first step that would take him away from this encounter that had gone so badly and thinking that he should stick with things that he was good at; namely anything that didn't require dealing with people. He stopped in mid-step. Avon recognized what Vila was doing; it was something very familiar. He had done it many times himself. Vila was trying to push him away and the best way to do that was to use something that hurt. They were finally touching an area Avon understood. He came back and sat down again.
Vila was glaring at him because of this re-intrusion into his flight deck time.
Avon said, "We agreed that I would stop calling you a fool, but if you insist on acting like one, I will have no choice but to call you one. I know something is wrong. I know you're trying to push me away. You almost did a very good job of it. However, I'm the expert at it, so you won't be able to get rid of me that easily. Now tell me what's wrong."
"When have you ever cared about how anyone feels?" Vila still had a sarcastic attitude; it fit his current mood. Avon's words had not changed that.
"In the past, you would have been right. How people feel has rarely been of concern to me. I have never understood its importance. For me actions didn't just speak louder than words; they were the only language I recognized." Avon paused for a moment as he realized something. "Something is causing you to lash out and to push people away. It is fitting that it should be me."
Vila was both shocked and confused to hear this from Avon. He had been determined to remain angry and miserable but this admission from Avon was the last thing he was expecting. In the old days, Avon would have responded to his jibes with equal hostility; matching each snark with one of his own. It was what Vila had been hoping for. He needed to take his feelings out on someone and Avon had seemed the perfect target; but Avon had not come here for himself, he had come specifically to reach out to Vila.
Avon continued, "I can't say that I fully comprehend it but I know that it's important now. It's important to you. That is why I'm here."
With wariness but no longer any antagonism, Vila asked tentatively, "Are you saying that you care?"
Avon fixed him with a steady gaze and said, "Yes."
Vila still couldn't believe his ears. "About me?"
"You are the only other person in this room," said Avon with light amusement at Vila's surprise and bewilderment.
"I don't know what to say." Vila was flabbergasted. Now he felt bad at his earlier words. "I'm sorry about what I said before."
"You were upset. You needed an outlet for your emotions."
"Still doesn't excuse it," said Vila.
"Are you going to tell me why you're acting like this?" asked Avon, getting back to the reason why he was here. It was still something that needed to be resolved.
Vila told him, "I miss the kids."
Avon processed this information but no matter how he tried, he could not understand how missing the children would lead to this kind of aggressive behaviour. He stayed silent, hoping that Vila would explain further.
Fortunately, Vila obliged. "This may sound silly to you but the children love me and I love them. I really miss them."
The strength of feeling in Vila's voice touched several chords of memory in Avon's mind. He remembered the nightmare from this morning. He realized that he did know what it felt like to miss someone so much that it hurt; that without them, nothing seemed worthwhile anymore.
Cally.
Thoughts of Cally filled his mind. He didn't know what he would do without her, he hoped that he would never have to find out. Those days they had been out of touch had made him realize how much a part of his life she had become and how much he missed her when she was gone. It had filled him with anxiety.
Anna.
Against his conscious will, Avon's mind brought up old memories of a love that had been an illusion. He didn't want these memories now, but they refused to let him go; they still haunted his nights and troubled his days at inopportune moments.
No matter how much he regretted it now, Avon could not deny the fact that he once missed Anna like this too.
"I see," said Avon.
"You do?" asked Vila, wondering if this was really Avon or if some alien entity had possessed him.
"You find it surprising?"
"Well…yes," said Vila.
Avon said in a quiet voice, "I missed Anna. And I don't know what I would do if I lost Cally."
"You love them both," said Vila with understanding.
There was a raw honesty when Avon talked about Cally and Anna. "More than my own life."
Vila was touched by the truth in Avon's voice. The last time Avon talked about something this personal was only by necessity. Avon had found out where Anna's killer was and he needed the crew's help and cooperation to set a trap. The details he had revealed about his relationship with Anna showed them a side of Avon that none of them had ever seen before; at the time, it had made him almost seem human.
This time, it was different. Avon didn't need anything from him, but he was offering something.
There was something Vila had to know. "Avon. Do you still love Anna?"
Avon looked away and stared out into empty space. "Sometimes. It's hard to reconcile the Anna I knew with the one in the cellar. I try to convince myself that it's not rational. But…"
"But you're still human," said Vila.
"I'm a fool, Vila."
"It's not foolish being human," said Vila.
"Isn't it?" asked Avon.
"Does Cally know?" Vila asked.
"That I'm a fool? I'm sure she suspects."
"I'm serious, Avon."
"I love Cally. Anything beyond that is unimportant." Avon changed the topic. "Can we address your problem now?"
"There's not a lot we can do about it," said Vila.
"Unless we go back to Kaarn," said Avon.
This talk with Avon had helped Vila put things into perspective. He remembered why he had chosen to leave the children. His responsibility was out here. Being on Kaarn was more for his own needs. There were too many people and aliens who would have evil designs on the children. He had to sacrifice his own needs if he was to help make the galaxy a safer place for them. The only way to make sure of that was to defeat the enemies who would do them harm.
Vila studied the man before him. He had been wondering if Avon had decided how much he was willing to change. Vila had his answer now.
Vila had his own answer too. They were both going to change.
He said to Avon, "No. I have to stay. I have work to do."
Vila realized that it might not be too bad after all.