Summary: Arizona attracts a nasty 'bug' and Callie is avoiding her at all cost.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
This one is written on request made by Superstar1000. I saw a wonderful few of them out here already so I changed the request a tad bit so you won't be bombarded with the same kind of story. Enjoy!
Callie and Arizona were enjoying a quiet night in. They were cuddled up on the couch with two steaming mugs of tea and a box of expensive chocolates that Callie had gotten from an old lady she had performed a successful surgery on. Arizona only ate the white ones; she always liked those the most. Callie, on the other hand, went straight for the dark ones. They were watching American Idol auditions, both wondering out loud why some people were so ignorant.
Callie couldn't help but notice Arizona scratching her head all through the show.
"Stop scratching!"
"Okay mother" Arizona stuck out her tongue. The truth was: her hair itched like crazy. She fidgeted with her hands in her lap, eventually burying one hand in her hair again. Callie pulled at her wrist.
"Stop it!"
"I want to but I can't! I don't understand, we washed it yesterday"
"We?" Callie asked. Arizona gave her a knowing look. "Oh right" she smiled when a fond memory of last night came flooding back.
They turned their attention back to the show again as a particularly geeky teenager made his entrance in front of the jury. In the middle of his performance, Arizona jumped out of Callie's lap and off the couch.
"Oh my god what the hell?" she started scratching her scalp with both hands furiously.
"Uh…do you have any allergies?" Callie asked dumbly.
"Nope, no allergies" Arizona responded in a pained voice.
"Let me take a look" Callie stood up and took the blonde head between her hands, ruffling through her hair to get to the skin.
"Hmmm…I don't see anything" she mumbled while searching for the source of the itching. "Wait a minute, there's-is that- AAAHH IT'S MOVING!" Callie released her hair with shock and jumped back.
"NOOOO GETITOFMEGETITOFME!" Arizona started jumping and shaking her head around furiously.
"Calliope! Help me! Get that thing off me!" she begged but Callie was inching backwards away from her.
"It's not just one-"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT JUST ONE? DO SOMETHING!" Arizona was trampling around, almost crying with fear. She was still trying to shake the mysterious animals off but the itch was still very much present. She wanted to scratch it so badly, but the idea of animals in her hair made her afraid to go anywhere near her hair.
"Arizona. Ari- ARIZONA!" Callie finally screamed to make her panicked girlfriend stop yelling.
"Arizona, you have lice" Callie spoke calmly.
Arizona's jumping and shaking decreased until Callie's words kicked in. Her hands fell to her sides and her eyes widened.
"I have lice? As in…head lice? As in…the kiddy bug?"
"Yes" Callie spoke slowly and carefully. Arizona's voice sounded very scary this way.
"Do I have nits? You gotta check for nits" Arizona walked up to Callie but the tall surgeon ducked behind the kitchen counter.
"Oooooh no. No no no. I am not coming anywhere near you and your six-legged pets. I've seen enough."
"But did you see nits?" Arizona asked worriedly.
"Depends. Are they greyish and look like dandruff? Cause that's what I thought at first."
"Yeah."
"In that case, you have a whole lice family living on your head."
Arizona let out a defeated sigh and fell back on the couch but jumped off again when Callie's voice startled her.
"DON'T! Ahum, sorry, I mean…don't sit on that couch. They'll jump of and start a crusade all over the living room and before you know it it's Jumanji in here. You are going to stand right here" she motioned Arizona over to the kitchen, making sure to round the counter as soon as Arizona came close. The kitchen was all tiled, making it as sterile of an environment this apartment had to offer.
"I am going to run to Mark and be right back. You will not move, you will not scratch, you will not breathe. Got it?" She took the rolling of Arizona's eyes as a yes and dashed out of the room.
When she came back 2 minutes later, she caught Arizona scratching her scalp with a spatula.
"Put the spatula down!"
"But Calliope, it's technically not scratchi-"
"I repeat, PUT THE SPATULA DOWN!" Callie reprimanded in a threatening tone, making Arizona drop the spatula in an instant.
"Good. I have brought you this, it's Lexie's and it has butterflies on it so I don't want to hear any complaints." She threw the bundle in her hands over to Arizona, who unfolded it to reveal a bright pink shower cap with blue butterflies.
"Are you kidding me?" Arizona exclaimed, clutching the offending item in her hands.
"I wish! I'm going to clean the apartment now, and you may not move from your spot until I'm finished" Callie ordered. "And pouts will NOT work" she added when Arizona stuck out her lower lip and combined them with a pair of puppy dog eyes. "Neither will dimples" Callie snapped when Arizona took out her trump card. 'Dammit'
"You know lice tend to nestle in clean hair. Which means, my hair is in fact cleaner than yours."
"Whatever. You have animals in your hair Arizona. Now put on your shower cap, you may scratch through it cause they can't jump off"
"Gee thanks" Arizona snapped sarcastically, bundling her hair in a tight knot and placing the cap over it. "Better?"
Callie looked up and fought back a stifled laugh. "Much better" she managed to squeeze out at the sight of her grumpy girlfriend wearing a pink shower cap. She was just in time to escape the twirling spatula that was thrown at her from the kitchen.
"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Arizona yelled.
"But it kinda is!" Callie yelled back in a giggle and slammed the bedroom door behind her, just in time to hear the soap box shatter against the door on the other side.
An hour later, Callie had refreshed the bed sheets (she had considered burning the old ones but decided less radical measures were possible to make her house lice-free) and vacuumed the whole house. She had also thrown out combs, replaced the towels with new ones and thoroughly cleaned the couch. She was sweaty and tired. She took an extra set of sheets and a pillow and laid them on the couch.
"Alright, you may move" Callie told Arizona.
"Why is the couch made up?" Arizona asked suspiciously.
"Because you are sleeping on the couch"
"Excuse me? Me and my lice are being banned from the bedroom?" Arizona asked in disbelief.
"It's only until you're lice-free! And the pharmacy is already closed so I have to wait until tomorrow to get all the supplies. And you certainly can't go to work like that. In fact, you can't leave this house cause you'll be the outbreak monkey."
But if I keep the cap on can I sleep in your bed?"
"No way."
Arizona decided to throw the pout, the puppy dog eyes and the dimples in all at once, only resulting in a very scrunched up face.
"Arizona look at me!" Callie yelled in frustration as she pointed to her hair. "This here? My head is like lice-heaven! They set up camp, invite their friends and never leave! I can't have your lice!"
Arizona's eyes narrowed to slits and she pointed her finger angrily at Calliope. "Tonight, when you'll be in a deep sleep and least expect it, I will sneak into your room, take off this cap and rub my lice all over you and when you wake up tomorrow, you'll be begging me to scratch you" she hissed.
Callie raised her eyebrows. "Are you trying to dirty talk? Cause it's not working for me."
Arizona just stared her down.
"Wait, are you threatening me?" Callie asked in disbelief.
"Not a threat Calliope. More of an…announcement."
Callie snorted. "I'll just lock my door, problem solved."
Arizona growled. "I hate you so much right now."
Callie smiled apologetically. "I love you too babe. I'm gonna hop in the shower." Without waiting for an answer, she walked back in to the bedroom. She looked back one last time and giggled when Arizona scratched her shower cap and stared at the TV screen.
The next morning, Arizona awoke grumpily. Callie had already left for work but she left her a nice breakfast and a note saying she'd be home as soon as possible with the supplies. Arizona still wasn't happy though. She chewed on her cold waffles without taste, her free hand permanently on her head to scratch until her skin burned.
Stupid Callie with her stupid long thick beautiful hair. Stupid lice. Stupid cap. Stupid kids with their stupid lice. The itch became unbearable again and Arizona reached up to take off the cap to finally scratch her skin properly.
"Don't you dare remove that cap Blondie"
Arizona flew an inch off her barstool when the voice of Cristina Yang made her heart jolt in to her throat.
"I wasn't-"
"Yes you were. And I have been given strict orders to make you keep that cap on."
Arizona sighed heavily and laid her head on the table. The cold steel of the counter against her irritated skin through the plastic material made her gasp in pleasure and she started rubbing her head onto it instinctively.
"Please stop humping my furniture. That's my orders."
"What else am I supposed to do? I can't leave the house, I can't touch anything. I think you can see my skull by now that's how much I've been scratching that horrible itch all night!"
"Yeah yeah I bet you were hoping to scratch another itch tonight" Cristina replied bored, flipping through a magazine without looking up.
"Yeah right. She won't even let me near her, let alone scratch itches except for my own."
"That sounded dirty."
"Whatever…this is stupid." She folded her arms like a frustrated toddler and laid her head on the counter again. Cristina finally looked up and slapped Arizona head with the back of the magazine.
"Oooooh yes, do that again!" Arizona half moaned.
"Ew" Cristina retorted dryly. "Stop whining. You're a kiddies doctor so you get their kiddie diseases. Deal with it."
Arizona scooted closer to the sink, trying to reach for the spatula without Cristina noticing. If only she could stick it underneath the cap to scratch her skin directly….
Woosh.
"OUCH!" she wiggled her wrist that had been slapped hard by Cristina.
"We are gonna have soooooo much fun together" Cristina grinned mischievously.
Callie was just about to check on a patient when Charles Percy approached her. "Dr. Torres, any idea where Dr. Robbins is? I was supposed to be on her service today."
"She's at home, playing with her head lice."
"Seriously? Shouldn't we like…take precautions? I mean, which kid gave it to her? It could be all over the hospital by now!"
"Oh crap crap crap…" Callie whispered. She ordered Percy to follow her as she went to warn the nurses.
Later that day, Callie was having lunch in the cafeteria with Mark when Teddy joined them.
"Have you heard? The whole peds wing is in like quarantine because of lice outbreak. Can you believe it?"
"I know. And Arizona is the spreader of the joy this time" Callie said in a mocking tone.
Teddy frowned. "Seriously?"
"She probably got it from one patient, then checked on every other kid in the hospital, operated on a few, probably rubbed her head against a few X-Ray machines and doorknobs and now half the hospital is being disinfected."
"She must feel awful" Teddy sympathized.
"Actually, she's just throwing furniture around and yelling at me so I guess she's coping" Callie joked. "I made her sleep on the couch last night."
Their conversation was interrupted by Derek who joined them.
"Mark, Teddy, the nurses asked for you. It's about the lice thing."
"I'm not going, no way!" Mark protested.
"Mark, you hardly have any hair, where should they nestle? Let's go" Teddy pulled him up from his seat and Derek and Callie watched them go in amusement.
"Am I safeguarded?" Callie asked Derek.
"Yes. We both have good hair. I don't want any bugs near our good hair. It would be a party in our hair!"
"Exactly!" Callie exclaimed. "Finally someone who understands!" Derek smiled at her.
"You know I'm already McDreamy but they should call you McHairy" he joked.
Callie frowned. "Now that's just nasty." They laughed and continued eating their lunch while the rest of the hospital was on lice duty. She was sure to linger a lit longer than necessary today, just to avoid the grumpy lice bomb waiting for her at home.
Callie entered the apartment the afternoon to find Arizona and Cristina in the middle of an angry stare contest. Arizona was sitting on the couch, still wearing her shower cap, her arms folded and her nose wrinkled in anger. She was chewing on something.
Cristina was staring back from the kitchen counter, stuffing Cheesy Puffs in through the corner of her mouth without breaking the stare. Her brows, or what was left of them after the Burke debacle, were lowered, making her eyes darken even more as she was shooting daggers at Arizona.
The couch was covered in Cheesy Puffs, a few even in Arizona's lap.
"…am I interrupting something?" Callie asked cautiously. The tension in the room was almost touchable.
Silence.
Suddenly, Cristina threw a Cheesy Puff at Arizona, who ducked for it and caught it with her mouth.
"HA!" she threw a fist in the air and scratched her head, chewing on the Cheesy Puff triumphantly.
"Alright, that's enough" Cristina snapped, making Arizona lower her hand again. The tension immediately returned.
They both ignored Callie, who was hanging her jacket and made her way over to the fridge. Cristina threw another Puff at Arizona, who made a dive for it but missed, the Cheesy Puff landing on the couch between the other ones.
"Damn"
They resumed staring. Never breaking the gaze, Arizona slowly brought her hand up towards her head.
"Don't you dare" Cristina hissed. "No catch, no scratch. Those are the rules."
"Try and stop me" Arizona said in a low voice, her hand lingering above the shower cap.
"Don't underestimate me Blondie. I will pee in your shampoo bottle and I will spit in your breakfast."
"Is that all you got?" Arizona challenged her. Callie was observing everything from a safe distance, afraid to get sucked in to their scary game.
"I will scrape all your Disney DVD's." That did it.
Arizona gasped in shock. "You wouldn't."
"Try me" Cristina threatened. That was Callie's cue to step in.
"Oooooookay enough you two. Cristina thanks for watching her, I got it from here."
"Blondie is scary when she's angry. You owe me" Cristina said, taking her bag and walking to the door. "I'm going to the hospital. Have fun defleaing her" she said closing the door behind her.
Callie reached for her bag and pulled out two bottles and a comb. "Alright, let's do this."
After many gagging sounds from Callie, a few retching tendencies at the smell of the shampoo and a few minor freak outs, Callie had managed to massage the insecticide shampoo in. She put the transparent cap that came with the bottle over Arizona's head and went to wash her hands. Now they had to wait for two hours before washing it out, hopefully together with the lice. They were both wearing scrub caps to minimize the smell of the insecticide invading their brain.
"This is not how I imagined playing doctor with you" Arizona said through her cap. They walked back to the living room to watch some TV to kill time.
After a minute or two, Callie moved from the couch and started reading a magazine on a barstool.
"Why are you all the way over there?" Arizona asked, disappointment dripping from her tone.
"I'm sorry babe, but you just smell so bad" Callie explained.
"Yeah well that's just crap! It's not exactly like I'm enjoying the smell either! But unlike you, I can't walk away from my own stinky head so I have to deal with it! And you're my girlfriend so you will too!" she yelled angrily.
"Sweetie I'm only treating you for it because you combed puke out of my hair at lecture day, but don't make me deliberately inhale your scent cause that's just mean!"
"You're mean!"
Callie sighed. "Listen. Maybe I wasn't clear yesterday. I'm not exaggerating when I say they set up camp. When I was a kid, I got it like every year and they'd stay for weeks. My hair is thick and dark and my mom spend like half her salary on insecticide during my primary school days. At one point she was so desperate she considered putting me through a car wash. The only reason I'm still alive today is because the gas boy stopped her."
She paused when she saw a laugh playing around Arizona's lips.
"And you weren't exactly all touchy feely when I had chicken pox remember?"
Arizona's cheeks flushed. She hated to be reminded of that incident.
Arizona fell back on the couch. "I hate being the outbreak monkey" she muttered angrily.
"I know honey. But I'll get every single one of them out and then you can run around again to rub your clean hair against everything and everybody."
Arizona's eyes lit up at those words. Only two more hours.
Arizona was kneeling over the bathtub railing while Callie aimed the shower head at her hair to rinse out the shampoo. Reluctantly, Callie raked her glove-covered hand through the blonde hair.
"Ugh" she tried to breathe through her mouth but the force of the insecticide flew right in anyway.
"God that's nasty" Arizona said when she saw the first dead lice float towards the drainage. Callie was getting nauseous from the sight, but she managed to cover it up, not in the last place because Arizona was way too busy gagging and whining to notice anything.
If Callie thought the rinsing was nauseating, she was really getting sick while combing. She removed a handful of dead lice that were left behind, along with a pile of nits. Most of them were pretty stuck so Callie had to use force to get them out with the cold steel comb, much to Arizona's dismay.
"Oh God" Callie heaved as a particularly large nit got stuck in the comb "if I didn't love you so much, they would have devoured you by now."
"Thank you for not throwing me through a car wash" Arizona replied lovingly.
"Believe me, I considered it." They both giggled as Callie raked the comb through her hair one last time. She unwrapped a new shower cap, a yellow one with pink butterflies this time. She pulled it over Arizona's hair and walked over to the sink.
"Why do I need the cap? I'm cured, right?"
"Eh…no. We have to check every day for a week to make sure no left-behind nits set up a new camp. You can go to work but you'll have to wear your scrub cap at all times. And when you're home, you wear the shower cap."
"I think I'm gonna cry now." Steam was practically gushing from Arizona's ears and her nostrils were flaring. "And I assume I'm still banned from the bedroom?"
Callie looked at her apologetically, biting her lip as she nodded.
"That's just great"
Six days later, Callie was sitting on the couch behind Arizona to go through their daily routine of checking for nits. So far, nothing. Just as Callie was squinting at what looked like a nit but turned out to be a piece of desquamated skin from all the scratching, Cristina walked in.
"Oh hey, if it isn't Rafiki and Rafika defleaing each other again."
The couple ignored her; they had endured the same greeting for the past six days so the fun had worn off. Cristina retreated to her room, the only place that was free of lice for sure.
"Still no nits. One more day babe and you're all cleared."
"Yay! Can we kiss now?" Arizona started leaning in but Callie stood off the couch quickly.
"Uh uh. Tomorrow. I still don't trust your wavy hair and your stubborn pets."
Arizona said nothing but instead put her cap back on and picked up the book she was reading, ignoring Callie for the rest of the evening. She new Callie was right. With her job, it was essential to take all the necessary precautions but it still sucked. She hated being infectious and avoided, especially by Callie. And although the itching was gone, her skin was burning red from the scratching, making her scalp bruised and sore. Nope, Arizona was definitely not in a happy place.
They had ended the night the same way they had done the whole week. Callie would give Arizona an awkward pat on the shoulder, avoiding any other physical contact before retreating into her bedroom. Arizona would snuggle up in the sheets on the couch, facing the door and imagining Callie lying on the other side until sleep would claim her.
Arizona was fast asleep, snoring softly and dreaming about lice hanging from trapezes in the circus when she felt a pair of warm arms encircle her waist from behind, waking her from her peaceful slumber. She felt herself being pushed forward as a warm body pressed into her back. She felt a soft kiss being placed on her temple and her shoulder as the body relaxed into place behind her.
"Whaddaryoudoing? Youllgetlice" Arizona whispered groggily, her eyes still closed. She felt the arms around her tighten their grip.
"So I get lice. I couldn't wait another day" she heard whispered in her ear.
A smile played across their lips as sleep claimed them once more.
Mini-epilogue: Four days later, Callie discovered lice in her own hair. Arizona and Cristina had to tie her to a chair to stop her from trashing the apartment and strangle them both. Arizona had to use three bottles of shampoo to get the insects out and she had already suggested dropping Callie off at a car wash. She had banned the Latina from the bedroom for a whole week in revenge.
But they're both very clean and perfectly happy now.