It's been a year since Mom's death and I'm still shaken up about it. I mean, I didn't go around crying all the time like the first couple of months after she died. But, it did still hurt to look at a picture of her or something like that. For those of you who have lost someone, you know how it is. The pain is always there deep down, but it doesn't really come out until something triggers it. Today was one of those days. I stood in front of Mom's grave, staring at her name carved into her tombstone. She was a beautiful woman, physically, mentally, and emotionally. In every way. I smiled, remembering that was my first thought about her when I met her for the first time. I got on my knees and gently placed the flowers I had bought over Mom's grave. She loved flowers. I jumped and put a hand to my face as I felt something on my cheek. When I touched my skin, it felt wet. I didn't even know until know that I was crying. How had that happened? I thought I had done all my crying. I guess I had a few tears still left in me. But I didn't want to cry anymore. It hurt too much. It made me miss her more.

(Eleven Years Ago)

It had been a few weeks since I had moved in with Ms. Evelyn and her four sons. I still refused to talk to anyone. No one had a problem with it, which was weird. By now, other people would have been mad at me for my stubbornness. But in the Mercer house, my behavior went unpunished. I was starting to like it here. I couldn't get to comfortable though. Soon this family would get sick of me like all the others and send me back to a foster home like some kind of package.

"I'm home," I heard Ms. Evelyn's voice from downstairs.

I listened as she told the boys to take some groceries to the kitchen and asked where I was. Jack told her I was still in our room, having checked on me every hour. He had become very protective of me, even though we had only known each other for a short time. I liked that he gave me my space, as did the rest of the family. Well, Bobby kind of annoyed me when he followed me around to make sure I didn't get into trouble or hurt myself somehow. But other than that, I was really grateful that no one tried to force me to talk or do something I didn't want to.

"Sam?" Ms. Evelyn called as she came up the stairs.

I lay on the floor on my stomach as I colored a picture of Ms. Evelyn. I quickly drew yellow swirls for her pretty hair. I wanted to finish it before she got in here. Just as I finished her blue eyes, Ms. Evelyn walked into the room. I looked up at her and she smiled at me.

"There you are. You were so quiet I couldn't find you," she said and walked over to me. "What are you doing?"

I got to my feet and handed her the picture. She looked down at it and a genuine smile of happiness formed on her lips. She liked it.

"Is this me?" she asked, her blue eyes sparkling.

I nodded and looked down; shy by how she was reacting. She's the only person who liked my drawings. All the other families I had been with always pointed out my mistakes or said I could do better than what I did. Ms. Evelyn knelt down in front of me and picked up a crayon.

"Will you sign it for me? When you become a famous artist, I want everyone to know I had your first picture," she said and I giggled.

I took the crayon from her and signed my name on the picture.

"Thank you for the picture, honey," Ms. Evelyn said and gave me a hug.

I snuggled into her embrace, loving it when she hugged me. And she truly hugged me like she loved me.

"Why don't you come downstairs with me? You need to get out of this room," Ms. Evelyn said, looking into my eyes for an answer.

I nodded and she smiled, picking me up and carrying me out of the room. I wrapped my arms around her neck and hugged her, receiving a laugh and a kiss on the cheek from her.

"Well, look who's come out into the sun," I heard Bobby say and turned to look at him.

I narrowed my eyes and he raised an eyebrow.

"I'm glad she doesn't talk, because judging by that look she would have some pretty nasty words to say," Bobby laughed as Ms. Evelyn carried me into the kitchen.

"Bobby, stop teasing her," Ms. Evelyn said as opened the refrigerator and took out the apple juice.

Ms. Evelyn poked a straw into the apple juice box and handed it to me. I smiled and sipped the juice through the straw as Ms. Evelyn walked into the living room to fold up some laundry. She sat on the couch and I sat beside her, sipping my juice as I watched whatever Jack was watching on TV. It was some kind of game with guys hitting a black thing with sticks. (Back then I didn't know about hockey.)

"Mom, we're going down to get some candy from the store," Bobby said as Jerry opened the front door.

"Don't eat any of it on your way home. If you spoil your appetite, I'll put my foot to your rear," Ms. Mercer warned and I laughed, almost choking on my juice.

Once I finished my juice, I got off of the couch and walked into the kitchen, tossing my juice box into the trash. I was about to walk out of the kitchen, but stopped when something caught my eye. I climbed onto the counter to get a better look out of the window. Outside, next to the garage was a rope hanging from the side door. I smiled, hopping down off of the counter and opening the back door. I ignored the cold fall air and ran outside, taking the rope from the garage door handle. I had lost my double dutch ropes the day Sydney was killed. I gripped the rope tightly in my hands as I thought of the way my sister's body hit the street as that car ran over her.

"Sam?" I looked up when I heard Ms. Evelyn's voice.

She came through the back door and over to me, kneeling down in front of me. She touched my face, wiping away my tears that had fallen from my eyes.

"What's the matter, sweetie?" she asked, gently pulling me into a hug.

I didn't answer her as I pushed away from her and ran back inside the house. I ran till I got to my room, slammed the door shut and locked it. I through myself on my bed and cried till my throat was sore and I couldn't produce anymore tears. I heard Ms. Evelyn outside of my room, trying to get in as she listened to my crying. I gripped my stomach, feeling like I couldn't breathe as I cried harder than I ever had in my life.

I don't know much time I spent crying or how long I had been in my room. But I knew that I missed my sister. And I missed her so much that it made me sick.

(End of flashback)

I sighed, sitting on the cold ground next to Mom's grave. People say it gets easier everyday to let go. It does, believe me. But I wish it could go faster. I wasn't like my brothers. I acted strong and tough, but I wasn't like they were. Damn, I hated being the only woman in the family. I felt like some poor defenseless little girl all the time that needed her brothers to protect her. I wasn't a shy little girl anymore. I was a Mercer brother, not sister. Still, I felt so vulnerable that it made me want to throw something. I was good for doing that when I was angry.

(I had no clue how to start this story and I was really confused about how to write this chapter. I hope you guys like it. Review!)