This is a fanfic about the Negaverse having extremely bad luck. This script contains violence and language unsuitable for some small children. Reader discretion is advised. (Rated R).
This manuscript also contains characters that are trademarks of Takeuchi/Kodansha, Toei Anim., BanDai, and a whole mess of other people, not including myself. Please take into consideration that I am not making any money off of this, and please note that I am not crazy.
I am just mentally difecient.
Oh, and here's a list of characters for you to get acquainted with:
Kunzite
Zoisite
Neflite
Jedite
Queen Beryl
and special appearances from:
Lorena Bobbit
John Bobbit
Tuxedo Mask (Darian Chiba)
Chuckie
*and many more!!!*
ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BAD LUCK FOR THE NEGAVERSE
The day started off as usual for most in the Negaverse. Jedite was up before dawn to sweep and dust the throneroom, Neflite was trying to recover himself from a wicked hangover he had last night, and Zoisite was fixing his hair. Kunzite was sleeping in that morning, in the bed that he and Zoisite shared.
Everything was fairly normal, until Zoisite heard a sharp snap. He looked at his fingertip and screamed, "Damn! I broke a nail!!!"
Kunzite stirred a little, then sat up in the bed, looking very annoyed. "What happened? Are you alright? Are we under attack?"
"AM I ALRIGHT? AM I ALRIGHT?! NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT! IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I HAVE JUST BROKEN A NAIL! OH, THIS IS JUST GREAT! OH, THIS IS- OH, I'VE GOTTA GET SOME MORE PERFUME AND NAILPOLISH-OH, DAMN! I NEED TO FIX MY NAIL! OH, WHAT ELSE WILL HAPPEN TO ME TODAY? WILL THE REST OF MY NAIL FALL OFF, AND THEN ALL OF MY NAILS? OR WILL THEY JUST ALL BREAK? OH, THIS IS JUST TERRIBLE, JUST TERRIBLE!!!"
"You'd think that this was a major crisis," mumbled Kunzite to himself.
Zoisite heard him, and stared evilly at him. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU THINK THAT THIS IS A CRISIS?! IT IS A MAJOR, MAJOR CRISIS, KUNZITE! BUT WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW?"
Kunzite rolled his eyes. "Stop exaggerating, Zoisite! It's just a stupid nail! Relax, honey!"
"RELAX? RELAX? HOW CAN I RELAX? AND I AM NOT EXAGGERATING!"
Kunzite held his hand up to his mouth to hide his smirk.
Zoisite caught a glimpse of his smirk and his eyes narrowed coldly. "Go bleach your roots, Kunzite!!!" he told Kunzite, before disappearing.
Kunzite ignored his remark and got out of bed to get ready for the day.
He first went to get dressed, and he couldn't find his cape. he searched and searched for his cape, and couldn't find it. Then he noticed a long, thin, white shread of cloth. Curious, he found two more. 'Odd,' he thought. 'Why is this fabric so familiar?'
He entered the next room, and was horrified to find his cape half-way in a paper-shreader that was in his office.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!" Kunzite bellowed. "ZOOOOISIIIIITE! GET IN HERE THIS INSTANT!"
Zoisite entered the room with a nervous smile on his face. "Yeees?" Zoisite asked in an equally nervous tone.
"What happened to my cape, dear?" He asked in a sarcastic tone.
"Umm...er...I...uh...kinda...er...heh....put it in the shreader."
"I see...well...WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? GET ME KILLED? YOU KNOW THAT I NEED THAT CAPE FOR MY UNIFORM! OH, NOW THIS IS JUST GREAT, ZOISITE! NOW I HAVE TO ORDER A NEW CAPE AND THAT TAKES A WEEK TO GET HERE. DAMN UNIVERSAL POSTAL SERVICE- IT'S TOO DAMN SLOW!!!" Kunzite cursed.
"I'm sorry," said Zoisite in a meek voice.
"IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW, ZOISITE! YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU SHREADED MY CAPE UP! NOW I CAN'T LEAVE THIS ROOM TODAY BECAUSE I'D BE OUT OF UNIFORM!"
"But Kunzite...you have an extra cape, remember? It's right in that drawer over there." Zoisite said.
Kunzite's glare faded out. "Oh yeah."
He walked over to the dresser and opened a drawer. Then he pulled out his cape, and then he screamed. "Who did this? Who did this to me? Zoisite! Who did this?"
Kunzite showed the cape to Zoisite, and Zoisite smiled weakly. "Sorry...I kinda didn't wash it with all of the whites... sorry..."
Kunzite threw the cape on the unmade bed, and said in disgust, "PINK? PINK?! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO WASH IT WITH ALL OF THE REDS?"
Kunzite walked off with the cape, to bleach it.
"Good thing he didn't see his underwear yet," said Zoisite to himself.
*********************
A few minutes earlier, Neflite was blinking rapidly and rubbing his head in a very confused state. 'What happened?' He asked himself. 'Last thing I can remember was a tall, cold one....and then another one, and another one...and another one...and another one....and ten more after that one. And ten more after those!!!
Neflite sat up and rubbed his eyes. "What happened? Where am I?"
He looked around, and he realized that he was in Queen Beryl's throne room. Jedite was using his trusty Dustbuster around the edges of Queen Beryl's throne. Then he sprayed some aerosol into the air, and then he looked at Neflite. "It's about time you woke up, Neflite... you've been out for almost a day now!"
Neflite jumped up, and his jaw dropped open. "Almost a day? Why didn't you wake me up, Jedite? You're the one who is supposed to wake us all up!"
Jedite dropped his Dustbuster. "Damn! I forgot to wake up Kunzite and Zoisite! I have to get moving- Kunzite's gonna kill me if he's late again!!!" Jedite ran off, leaving a very confused and very hung-over Neflite alone in the throne room.
---
Queen Beryl was watching her television. Nothing much was on, just old repeats of Power Rangers. Queen Beryl had quite an interesting hobby. She would dress up as a Power Ranger (the pink one) and would dance around the room to the theme song. Then she would pretend to fight the monsters on the screen( You don't wanna know what she does when she watches Bannas in Pajamas or Baywatch! It's terrifying!!!)
And when she watches Beetleborgs!
What a comedy hour!
Well, she was pretending to kiss the Blue Ranger, Rocky, when suddenly Jedite burst in.
Jedite's face turned pale when he saw Beryl in a pink Power Rangers outfit while she kissed a blue pillow, murmuring, "Oh, Rocky, you are such a hunk!"
"Um...maybe I should leave now..." thought Jedite to himself.
But Beryl noticed her audience. She turned red with anger, but mostly because she was REALLY embarassed. "Why didn't you KNOCK?!"
"Um....er....eh...hehehe...I am just leaving now....okay? Good. Glad we had this conversation-"
Jedite never finished. He was instantly placed inside a crystal.
---
Meanwhile, Zoisite and Kunzite were still arguing. Neflite just happened to be passing by when he noticed Kunzite's pink cape. He burst out laughing, blowing his cover.
"What are you doing here, Neflite?" Kunzite snarled angrily.
"Yeah, Neflite...what are you doing here?" snapped Zoisite.
"Umm...er...eh...just passing through...that's all..." Neflite laughed nervously.
"Really, eh?" said Kunzite in a questioning tone.
"Yeah, and now I'm just leaving....eh..heheheh..." said Neflite.
Suddenly, Queen Beryl's voice announced over a link-up that the Negaverse, "Report to my throne room...er...the kitchen imediately my following generals...Neflite, Zoisite, and Kunzite. That is all. Oh, geez. Just what I wanted- three of my most annoying soldiers in all of the universe, always bickering and arguing and fighting...what do you mean, the link is still on? I know what I am doing here, you no good, lousy secretary...oh yeah. It is-"
The link-up shut off with a squeak.
"Oh, great...now I have to see the Queen like this!!! Damn!" Kunzite cursed.
Zoisite mildly began to cower, but Kunzite stormed off toward the kitchen. 'Phew...that was a close one..." both Zoisite and Neflite thought. Then they headed off in separate ways toward the kitchen.
---
Queen Beryl eyed her generals closely. She noticed that Kunzite kept fidgeting with his cape, which was a bright pink, and that Zoisite had a nerous look on his face. Queen Beryl couldn't help herself. She giggled, then straightened up. "Alright. Jedite is being replaced by two new members of the Negaverse. Johnite and Lorenite, come on out. They are both new here, and they are very unusual... Oh, hello, Lorenite! Hello, Johnite! Well, here's my finest generals, Zoisite and Kunzite...oh, and then there's Neflite...well, anyways...what is your specialty, Lorenite?"
"Hotdogs," replied Lorenite, eying the generals oddly.
"Well.....I don't think that we've tried dog before, but I am sure that we'll like it just as much as we like cat!" Beryl said.
Johnite looked nervous. Very nervous.
"Well...so what's in these 'hotdogs' besides the dog?" asked Beryl.
Johnite began to say something, but Lorenite stomped on his foot, shutting him up instantly. "Well, it's 99% dog meat chunks, and 1% of my super special, super secret ingrediant. It's 100% fat free." Lorenite said.
"Oh," said Beryl, a little confused. "Well, I hope we'll enjoy these...'hotdogs' of yours. Carry on, all of you."
Beryl left then. Baywatch began only 5 minutes later. She didn't want to miss one minute of it. Plus she had to get into her bathing suit to be "rescued" by those hunky lifeguards- the male ones, of course! She ain't Alex or Michelle, you sicko reader! Oh. You didn't think that. Oh well. Carry on, reader.
---
The next morning was not better than the last. Kunzite woke up and found Zoisite sleeping soundly beside him. "I thought you were sleeping on the couch," he mumbled loudly.
"I spotted an intruder and I got scared," said Zoisite.
Kunzite rolled his eyes. "It was probably that monster in my closet that eats all of your socks." He said.
"I'm serious, Kunzite," said Zoisite.
"So am I," said Kunzite.
"Ugh! Come on, Kunzite! You have to believe me! I'm not lying to you!" Zoisite pleaded.
Kunzite ignored Zoisite and turned away from him. He had no time for Zoisite's games.
Zoisite had a hurt look on his face. He knew that he had seen an intruder last night. A woman. But who could it have been?
---
At breakfast, Kunzite sat away from Zoisite. Neflite sat between them. He looked rather drunk. He even swayed in his chair, then fell off. "Oopsie! Hehehehehe," he began to giggle like an idiot.
Breakfast included eggs, bacon, a biscuit, and of course, sausage.
Neflite stumbled back onto his chair and picked up his fork. He then stabbed it into his biscuit and went to put it into his mouth. He bashed it into his eye. The biscuit fell to the ground. He began to giggle like an idiot until Zoisite slapped him so hard he flew off his chair and skidded across the floor. He hit the wall and was instantly knocked unconscious.
---
Later that day, Neflite stumbled up and began to walk out of the kitchen slowly. Then he slipped on something and fell flat on his back. Neflite swore in Negaversian and then got onto his feet. Then he noticed something. The ground was red. Red.
Blood.
BLOOD?!
Neflite rubbed his forehead and wondered what happened. Then he noticed something was wrong. Very wrong.
Then he noticed a familiar black cape and a rose lying beside it.
Tuxedo Mask!
'How did he get here?' Neflite wondered. He went over to take a closer look.
He rubbed his eyes, but the gory scene before him wouldn't go away. It stayed there, not moving or anything.
Tuxedo Mask was there, unconscious. Blood poured from his waist.
Neflite then realized instantly what happened. But who did it?
He ran out of the kitchen. He had to tell someone.
---
That night, Kunzite had just gotten out of the shower and when he left the bathroom was suprised to see Zoisite on his bed watching America's Most Wanted. Why he liked it, Kunzite didn't know. Something about those convicts made Zoisite get ideas. Good ideas.
Suddenly, John Walsh began a weird story.
" Tonight we bring you a twisted tale about a woman and a man, John and Lorana Bobbitt. John, who is th victim of our story- or is he? You be the judge.
"One night John aleggedly came home drunk and raped his wife. However, Lorena got her revenge...."
The story continued in horrifying detail, shocking Kunzite and Zoisite. Then a picture on the screen appeared. Two familiar faces appeared.
"These two have both escaped prison, last seen by a few prisoners. If you have seen either person on this screen, please call us at 1-800-crime america. Thank you for your help..."
Zoisite looked at Kunzite and said slowly and nervously, "Uh...Kunzite...don't they look like Lorenite and Johnite?"
Kunzite knodded slowly, a look of terror on his face.
Suddenly, Neflite burst in the room. Both Kunzite and Zoisite screamed. Zoisite ran behind Kunzite, almost knocking over him.
"Tuxedo...Mask...he's been....been...um...er...neutered?" Neflite said, suddenly sober.
"WHAT?!" Kunzite and Zoisite both screetched.
"Yup. I saw him on the kitchen floor." Neflite said.
"Um...Neflite...I'd look...below your own waist...er...um.." Zoisite said nervously.
Neflite quickly turned away and checked. But nothing was missing.
He turned to face both of them, and then said. "We have to tell Beryl. And now."
---
Beryl was flipping through a romance novel when her generals burst in. They began to all talk to her at once in very terrified voices.
Beryl only caught this: "Lorenite....and Johnite....she cut off his....and Tuxedo Mask....America's Most Wanted....John Walsh..."
"QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Beryl.
All of the generals shut up. "Thank you," said Beryl. "Now...what are you trying to tell me here?"
Slowly, each general began to tell their story. Beryl listened quietly, a little annoyed about the fact that she was in a good part of the book.
Finally, the stories had ended, leaving a shocked and very confused Beryl. "But Lorenite wouldn't do that," said Beryl confidently. "Lorenite is a really nice woman, and Johnite..well..he's okay, too. But you guys cannot accuse them unless you have the proof."
"But I saw Tuxedo Mask and he....his body...was near the...meat grider...uh..oh...shit...omigosh...uh oh..." Neflite turned green.
So did Kunzite and Zoisite.
They all made a dash for the bathroom.
A few moments later, the generals regrouped before Beryl.
"You guys are just mad that I put Jedite in a crystal." Beryl said.
"NO WAY!" all of the generals said at the same time.
"Oh, fine...I'll go check out this body and tell you what I'll do from there." Beryl sighed, defeated.
---
They all went into the kitchen, where Johnite was sweeping the floor. All three generals had an odd look on their face as he walked past.
"What seems to be the problem?" He asked in a cheerful and suspicious tone.
"Where is the body? Where is it?" Neflite began to franticly search for the remains of Tuxedo Mask.
"What might you be talking about?" asked Lorenite, popping up from the meat grinder.
"Excuse my generals, they are just having nightmares lately." Beryl said in a very nervous tone.
"Oh," said Lorenite. "Well, while you all are here, why don't you all meet my assistant, Chuckite? He's the best when it comes to meat grinding."
A little boy with messy red hair and icy dark blue eyes came around the corner. He wore a yellow, blue, and red striped shirt and denim overalls that read 'Good Guys' on the pocket. His shirt and overalls were speckled with red. Blood.
"Hello, Queen Beryl," said Chuckite in an oddly deep voice.
"Why hello there Chuckite, it is a pleasure to meet you," she said.
Chuckite continued his work, but this was quite enough for the generals. They all once saw a movie called Child's Play, and Chuckite looked just like the 'Good Guy' doll, Chuckie, who murdered tons of innocent humans. They were sure that he would attack them as well.
---
Later that night, when the generals were all in their beds but definitly not sleeping, there was a secret meeting in the kitchen.
Lorenite, Johnite, and Chuckite were there.
They were plotting their first move against the Negaverse.
"Aw...honey...do we really have to do this? I mean, isn't there an easier way to be rid of them all once and for good?" Johnite whined.
"No. We stick to the plan," said Lorenite flatly.
"Yeah. What are you, Johnite- man or chicken?" said Chuckite.
"Well, I was a man until-"
"NO smart alleck- shut up! Now, we must follow up this plan. We got that Prince Darien dude, now let's get that short guy....Zoisite, I think his name is," said Lorenite. "He looks pretty easy."
"Right," said Chuckite. "Zoisite it'll be."
---
Zoisite couldn't sleep. Something kept bothering him.
Actually, two things bothered him.
First off, he was concerned about Lorenite, Johnite, and Chuckite. Secondly, he had another argument with Kunzite, and had to sleep on the couch. Kunzite locked the bedroom door, and poor Zoisite was left alone in the dark.
He hated the dark. He knew that rats loved the dark, and he could imagine them creeping and crawling around silently, their dark eyes glistening, and their ears alert.
Zoisite peered out of his blanket and realized that Kunzite could be so cruel.
He suddenly heard something move around in the darkness.
Zoisite suddenly hid under his covers, and shivered with fear.
He missed Kunzite. He hated sleeping alone, ever since he'd met Kunzite. Especially in the dark.
Suddenly, Zoisite felt something brush by him.
He screamed and screamed and screamed and- well, you got the picture.
Kunzite rushed out and clicked on the lights. "What's going on here?" Kunzite demanded.
A short, red haired kid ran off. Only Zoisite saw him.
"Kunzite! It was Chuckite!" Zoisite gasped, trying to remain calm.
"Zoisite, I am so sick of that game," Kunzite said solemnly. "Why do you always wake me up? I was having a great dream when I heard you scream."
"Kunzite, I am not joking. You have to believe me! You have to!"
Kunzite shook his head sadly. "I tell you what. I'll let you sleep on the bedroom floor if you can just keep your mouth shut for the rest of the night. Agreed?"
"Agreed."
"Well, get your stuff then."
Zoisite gathered up his pillows and blankets and went into the bedroom. Kunzite followed, and locked the door behind them.
Zoisite plopped down on the floor and sighed. 'Will this fight ever end?' he thought.
He began to think of the good times Kunzite and he had. The beating up on Jedite for his pay check. The bothering and torturing of Neflite. The nights of everlasting passion...
'Will things ever be that way again?' Zoisite thought, teary eyed.
He laid out his bed, and fell asleep, and dreamed of the times that he and Kunzite spent together.
---
Chuckite peered in. 'Good,' he thought to himself. 'They are both asleep.'
He watched as Kunzite slept soundly alone, and as Zoisite slept on the floor fitfully. 'Perfect.' He thought.
Chuckite sneered and pulled out his knife. He narrowed his eyes.
Chuckite silently walked over to the unsuspecting Zoisite. He smiled evilly. This was going to be easier than he thought. He raised the knife up.
Suddenly Zoisite rolled away in his sleep. Chuckite drove the knife down into Zoisite's bed and fell forward, onto Zoisite.
Zoisite shrieked and jumped to his feet. "Kunzite! KUNZITE!"
He screamed, jumping on Kunzite.
"OOOPHFF!" said Kunzite as Zoisite crashed down on him. "What the hell-" he began, but then he saw Chuckite struggling to pull something out of the floor. A knife...
Kunzite leapt up to his feet and said, "Zoisite-sama, I am so sorry that I have ever doubted you. Forgive me."
Zoisite answered, "I forgive you- this time."
Chuckite had freed the knife and cried out as he fell backwards and onto his butt.
"What are we going to do?" Zoisite asked Kunzite quickly.
"One word, three letters- RUN!!!!" Kunzite cried, then he grabbed Zoisite's hand and rushed out of the room, forgetting to open the door.
As the door shattered into tiny, little pieces, Kunzite's boxer shorts being torn to embarassing heights. But there was no time to be bashful or embarassed. Chuckite had his knife back, and was grinning evilly at Zoisite-sama. Zoisite shreiked, "Kunzite! Go faster! GO FASTER!!!"
'Geez, this sounds very familiar...oh yeah...in bed..' Kunzite thought, then he brushed that thought away quickly. 'If I don't hurry, Zoisite-sama will become Zoycite-chan...hey, that's not a real bad idea, but not now.'
Kunzite ran faster, almost beheading two youma who had roamed freely at the wrong time. He turned around the corner, heading for the Queen's chambers.
---
Queen Beryl was laying breathlessly on her bed after watching Power Rangers. "Oh, Tommy...." she murmured, taking off her Pink Ranger outfit to change into her regular Queen dress.
She was half-naked when Kunzite and Zoisite burst in, Kunzite's boxers shredded. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Okay, so I told you to get rid of some accesories on your uniform, but this is going way to far! And get out of my room! Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" Beryl ordered.
"Oh, I've heard about 'knocking'..." mummbled Zoisite.
"My Queen, why are you in pink spandex...well, and half-naked.." Kunzite asks.
"Oh no..." Beryl grabbed her blankets and ran into the bathroom. The lock clicked.
A few minutes later, a fully clothed Beryl came out, wearing her violet dress. "Okay- first things first, why are you carrying Zoisite," Queen Beryl asked calmly, then screamed, "AND WHY ARE YOU NOT WEARING ANY CLOTHES???"
But they could not answer. Chuckite had enetered the room calmly and asked, "What appears to be the problem, besides the fact that Lord Kunzite is naked and carrying Zoisite, my Queen?" he asked casually.
"The fact that he is doing them both at the same time...and why didn't you knock? I've had that problem two times already...and why is there a butcher knife in your back pocket covered in carpeting?" Beryl babbled.
"Well, I just got off work in the kitchen when I heard you scream, majesty. I dropped the knife on the floor in shock and it caught on the carpet." Chuckite said. "I was so worried that I just came right in to see if you were alright."
"Okay, Malichite Zoisite WHY THE HECK ARE YOU HERE, AND IT BETTER BE GOOD. Beryl said.
"Ummmmmmm...." was all that Kunzite replied.
"Well, your majesty," Zoisite said, eyeing Chuckite's back pocket nervously. "You see, Chuckite is a liar. He was trying to...to...NEUTER ME, Queen Beryl... that carpet matches Kunzite's carpet in his bedroom."
"Alright, first things first, why were you in Kunzite's room, why is he carrying you, and why is he wearing boxers shorter than the Sailorsenshi skirts?" Beryl replied calmly.
"Well..." Kunzite thought of what to say. "You see, Zoisite was having his nightmares again, so I offered for him to stay in my bedroom... he slept on the floor."
"Okay, I'll buy that, but why are you wearing lingerie Zoisite?"
"Chuckite was trying to perform an unauthorized sex change on me, and all you care about is why I am wearing lingerie?!"
"Alright, Chuckite, no hallways between from here to the kitchen have carpeting, so tell me the TRUTH!"
"OKAY, so I thought I would have a little fun with Zoisite...but I was only doing Kunzite a favor...he does like Zoisite-sama after all."
"So for all intensive purposes you did this for Kunzite, but what makes you think he has a thing for his apprentice?" Beryl asked very confused by now.
"These blackmail photos are my proof, my Queen," Chuckite said, then pulled out a small packet labeled "For Future Blackmailing...by Jedite".
He handed the packet to Queen Beryl, and she took one look at the graphic photographs and murmured, "Ohmigosh..." and fainted to the floor, hitting her head on the stone tiles.
Chuckite grinned. "These photos have more X-rated material than anything they could ever show on the X-files!!!" he laughed.
Kunzite glowered at Chuckite. "You little sonofabitc-" he began, but Queen Beryl had waken, and was glaring angrily at Kunzite and Zoisite.
"ALRIGHT...ZOISITE...KUNZITE...first I'm going to bash your brains in, and THEN I'm going to let Chuckite finish his operation...ON BOTH OF YOU...GOT IT? But first... I need some asprin..." Beryl said.
She went back into the bathroom. Chuckite still grinned.
"Oh by the way, Chuckite," began Beryl before she went into the bathroom. "My hobby when I was little- I dismembered dolls...after you finish the operation- YOU'RE NEXT! I'm giving you a head start- run for your life."
Chuckite gulped, but stood calmly as Beryl went into her bathroom. "No matter," he said. "I will just find another body to place my soul into...I know just the person..." Chuckite ran off.
Kunzite looked down to his feet and said, "Well, I guess this is it for us. It's too bad that we got into that big fight... I guess that I'm sorry."
"Me too," said Zoisite. "Let's not fight anymore...if we survive Beryl's wrath."
Suddenly Neflite burst in. "Did anyone see my forgetful potion? I left it on Beryl's vanity because she thought I was drinking again..." Neflite began, then he noticed Kunzite's unusual boxers. "A bit skimpy for your uniform, Kunzite, but it's very becoming...OOOOOFFFF!!!"
Zoisite slugged him in the stomach. Beryl came out of the bathroom, rubbing her head. "Why does my head hurt? And Kunzite- where are the rest of your shorts...and Zoisite why are you sitting in his arms?" Beryl asked.
Zoisite thought quickly, then spotted the perfect excuse. "There's a gigantic, hairy, big, ugly, old SPIDER over there! There is is! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Beryl screamed and then ran in the direction of the photo packet.
"Oh shit! The photos!" Kunzite said, then he ran for the photos.
He ran in front of Beryl and said, "Wait your majesty! I've spotted a bomb!"
Beryl stopped in her tracks and jumped ten feet up in the air.
Kunzite tossed Zoisite aside gently and then ran over to photos. He threw the packet into the hall and then he blasted them into shreds, negatives and all. 'Phew,' he thought.
"Why did you just blow up that envelope up Kunzite? And where's that bomb- or the spider?" Beryl asked.
Zoisite lifted his boot. "Oops...I've found the spider, my Queen."
"Where's the bomb?"
Suddenly Neflite burped, and smoke began to loft from his mouth.
"Best damn peanut I've aten all this week." Neflite said.
"Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer," Beryl murmured. "But I still do not have that envelope."
"You must've lost it," suggested Kunzite.
"QUEENS DO NOT LOSE THINGS....they simply misplace them." Beryl stated sharply. "Now, where did I put that thing?"
Zoisite bit his lip. Kunzite shrugged. Neflite walked off, murmuring about his peanut. Beryl looked deep in thought. "I remember drinking something... something about the X-Files.... and an envelope... oh yeah... last night on the X-Files there was a manilla envelope and I was drinking a margaritta...now why are you two wearing that...lingerie? Nevermind. I must be still drunk. Take the day off, you two, and go buy a new casual wardrobe with some money from the treasury, okay? That is a bit too casual for most standards."
They both knodded, and then left the Queen's bedroom.
"I am glad that's over," said Kunzite. "With the day off, you and I can spend some time... rekindling our relationship, hmmm?"
Zoisite smiled. "Gladly."
They walked off to Kunzite's quarters to be alone.
---
Neflite went into his room and locked the door. He peeked around every corner, then when he was sure that no one was around, he opened up his closet and pulled out a large pink box. He smiled gleefully and pulled out a Barbie doll and a Ken doll. "Hello Barbie," Neflite said in a deep voice. "Wanna go to the beach house and have an orgy with Midge?"
"Sure Ken!" Neflite said in a squeaky voice. "But only if you wear my bathing suit!"
Neflite sipped some alcohol from his flask and continued his little game.
---
The next morning Kunzite, Zoisite, and Neflite were called into the throne room. Beryl started her speech the same as she always did, by first asking for some asprin and a glass of water. "Because my new cooks have been so great these past days," Beryl said sarcastically, then three crystals appeared, "I have decided they will take up some shelf space with Jedite."
The generals were shocked. "When did you decide to do this?" asked Kunzite carefully.
"After I realized what they were after. They were in cohorts with the Sailorsenshi, you see. They were trying to poison me with those human foods like hotdogs and sausages."All three of the generals cringed."And they gave me heartburn so terrible I couldn't sleep until I drank an entire bottle of liquified Maalox. Now I want you all to meet my new chef, who prefers to work solo. Come out, don't be shy! He must be really shy, because he is always wearing a hockey goalie's mask."
A tall, muscular man wearing a white goalie mask and carrying a chainsaw walked in. The generals all looked in fright.
"Meet Jasonite. So Jasonite, what's your specialty?"
THE END
OR IS IT?
I hope you enjoyed this gruesome story. Read my author's note again before flaming me. All comments, concerns, and questions can be sent to
sailortwilight@hotmail.com . Flames will be trashed.
*I will be writing another story that doesn't trash Neflite in the near future called the Crystal Negaverse Chronicles. Look for it.:}