AN: Doctor Cones is the ice cream cone in "The Duke".
The hospital ward of the Royal Palace was no less cheery than the rest of the Candy Kingdom. The walls were not white, but extra bright pastels, looking like they had just been painted yesterday rather than centuries ago. Paintings of smiling candy people and sugar coated landscapes decorated the already pretty walls. Even the medical instruments were painted to resemble candle canes and licorice, just bent into sharp shapes, and the doctors and surgeons who used them were always as reassuring and optimistic to their patients as they could, while still being honest and sincere about their conditions. These precautions were taken, of course, to prevent spontaneous combustion, but that didn't damper its pleasantness.
Today, however, there was complete mayhem. The doctors were running in zigzags, clutching all sorts of medical tools and potions as if their own lives depended on it; carpenters were trying to exist the ward after finishing some mysterious yet crucial project; nosy candy citizens crowded around the entrance of the ward, begging to be let in on what was going on. All of it was centered around the grandest room of the ward, meant only for the head of the kingdom. She was currently spread-eagled on the four-poster hospital bed, screeching he loudest, most blood-curdling screeches possible, the volume of which defying logic. The carpenters had boarded the walls with the thickest, most sound-proof marzipan available to prevent the Princess's lamenting from being heard. Doctors and nurses surrounded the Princess, attempting to soothe her, and failing epically.
"Princess Bubblegum, save your breath for just breathing, not screaming. Breathe and push, breathe and push...".
"I know, I know, Doctor Cones, but instructing it is different than actually doing it!"
"I'm sorry, Princess."
Princess Bubblegum finally started to quiet down, and started to even her breathing.
"That's it, Princess. In and out, in and out, in and out...".
Doctor Cones chewed the gooey umbilical cord and held the newborn child to her. "It's a boy. Princess. A beautiful, heal- a boy."
Princess Bubblegum noticed the sudden change of words. She held out her arms to hold her son, who had just been rinsed and neatly wrapped in a towel.
He was far from beautiful, or even healthy looking. For starters, his skin coloring was off. Instead of a fiery hot pink splotched with red like all other bubblegum babies before him, the baby boy was a combination of various shades of pink and blue, at some parts blending into purple. Coating the skin was smudged gum that grew as downy hair. This in itself was normal; the strange thing about this was not the gum, but the type of gum- instead of bubblegum, it was apparently (based on the look and smell) minty gum. Just as the new Princess started to get alarmed by this, the baby opened his eyes. It was not the eyes themselves that freaked her out, but how closely they resembled the father's. The new mother handed the baby back to Doctor Cones and looked away. On the verge of sobbing (which she barely even had the energy for after labor), she said as clearly as she could to Doctor Cones to take the child. She then turned to the nearest doctor.
"Doctor Neapolitan, I want you and your team ready for the procedure A.S.A.P.."
Doctor Neapolitan looked taken aback. "But Princess, you are in no state for the procedure."
"I am aware of that," she said angrily through tears, "But it will take you a while to be ready, and by that time I will be too. I do not want to be in this situation again."
The baby was a burden on his own, but his behavior certainly did not help. He cried often and loudly, whether he had a reason or not. His appearance also did not improve at all- in fact, his flaws only became more apparent. Nonetheless, Doctor Cones tended to the baby's needs as best as she could, and began to care for him. Though she knew it was not her place to name him, she gave him a plethora of nicknames, ranging from "Prince Mint" to "Prince Blowpop" to "Prince Jelly Belly". One day, she was singing all these to her own little tune as a lullaby when his mother, wearing her lab coat, popped into the nursery.
Doctor Cones immediately stopped singing. "Princess, he is the sweetest thing. He reminds me of you a bit when you were an infant, actually, all those centuries ago...". Doctor Cones just then realized what she said, and covered her mouth.
"That is excellent to hear," Princess Bubblegum said, sounding cheerful for the first time in months. "Doctor Cones, I can't appreciate your help enough- from helping me to keep my pregnancy secret, to delivering the child and caring for him for months. I will taking him now."
Doctor Cones did not question this, but it was with reluctance that she gave "Prince Minty Jelly Belly Blowpop" to his mother. "I was just putting him to sleep."
"Oh, good! It helps that he's not wide awake." With that, Princess Bubblegum took the child, holding him perfectly for an inexperienced mother, and left the nursery.
She took her time walking to her lab, where she gently laid down the child on a steel cot. She slid on her goggles and gloves, grabbed a green potion on the nearest shelf, and measured less than a quarter of a test tube-bottle full. The Princess took a long look down at the child. The mother took a long look down at her child, she thought. For the good of the dynasty, her country, her citizens.
The boy was squirming and kicking sleepily. Princess Bubblegum sighed, and fed him the potion. He was fully asleep instantaneously. That done, she walked over to her supply of DNA (personally her favorite shelf), reading the labels.
Faerie...fish...french fry...futakuchi-onna...ghost...giant...Which would be easiest to infuse? Which would attract the least attention?...Which would make his life easier?
Grape...grapefruit...griffin...hag...horned serpent...human.
That would be the best answer to all three of all concerns. It would not even have to be completely infused; he was half human from both his mother and his- other parent.
The Candy Princess took the jar, selected the proper knife, and set to work for her kingdom.