A/N: Please read, this is important: I have not watched episode 6.07 'Family Matters' yet. Therefore, please don't leave me any messages tell me how the episode invalidated pretty much everything I just wrote. I originally started this after episode 6.02 came out, and wanted to get it posted before episode 6.04. It wasn't meant to be anything too long, just an exploration of what might have been going on in Sam's head. However, life got in the way, and the show progressed faster than I could write, so the last two segments may seem like a bit of a stretch. But hey, it could happen. Alternative character/episode exploration and all that.
So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the read!
WARNING: Language, mature themes
The first thing Sam does when he gets topside is pray to Castiel. He'd have prayed to God, but God didn't listen to prayers of Hell, and he isn't entirely sure he's actually topside.
The second thing Sam does when he gets topside is call out very angrily to Castiel, shouting things to the sky that most likely don't endear him to the angel, but have gotten his attention before. All he gets for his trouble is a sore throat and a burned-out, hollow feeling in his gut.
The third thing Sam does when he gets topside is beg and plead for Castiel to come, invoking what little friendship he could claim with the angel – very little, it seems. He almost believes that this is another one of Lucifer's tricks, another game to keep him trapped while the Devil fought his brother.
That is, until he sees a young woman kneeling in front of a puce colored gravestone. She is in many ways unremarkable, and just because Sam doesn't know who she is doesn't mean she isn't a figment of his imagination, but the sheer normalcy she portrays, this woman in blue jeans and a green sweater, nearly knocks Sam off his feet with the realization that yes, he is back on Earth.
He has another chance.
And that is when he drops to knees, fervently praying to a God he's fairly sure isn't listening to the Abomination/the Boy King/Lucifer's vessel/Hell's bitch, but he can't bring himself to care, because the air is clean and fresh and the grass is soft beneath his booted feet and there's no blood or sulfur anywhere and thankGodthankGodTHANKGOD that he's not in Hell anymore.
By the time he's done, the woman has gone, and the sun hangs low on the horizon, turning the sky red. Sam wants to just stand there, reveling in the freedom of being on Earth, without Lucifer scrabbling at his mind, and Michael clawing at him from the outside, trying to get Lucifer back.
He realizes that he needs to leave, though, because his stomach is rumbling, and the chill of the evening is setting in. He needs to find food, a place to sleep… he knows Bobby and Castiel are alive again, because Lucifer told him so, and Lucifer never broke his promise not to lie to him. The truth hurt more anyway.
He hitchhikes his way to Indiana, stopping mere steps away from his brother's home. Dean is inside, taking a beer from Lisa while Ben sits opposite him. Dean's expression is weary, sorrowful, but Sam sees something building in that small house. Dean has the chance to build a family, a life, something so much better than anything he's ever had before.
Sam, fresh out of Hell with a thousand unanswered questions, would only bring trouble. He doesn't know what brought him out, he doesn't know what he's going to do next, and he certainly doesn't know if he's still fit for human interaction.
So Sam turns and leaves.
It feels a little like leaving for Stanford, actually.
Several days later, Sam stumbles his way into a hunter's bar. He doesn't know it at first, because his mind hasn't quite made the connection that it's only been a few days since he was last in contact with other hunters, and not nearly two centuries, so he doesn't expect to see anyone he knows.
So he is completely blindsided when a man with a beard and a baseball cap comes up to him and knocks him back with a strong right hook.
"B-Bobby?"
"Who the Hell are you?"
"Hey, get away from my grandson!"
The next few hours are a confusing mess, with Sam proving to Bobby that he is who he says he is, Samuel Campbell proving to them both that he is who he says he is, and Bobby proving to Samuel that he is trustworthy.
His grandfather is alive.
His grandfather, who died at the hand of Azazel before he was born, is alive.
Bobby is a little reluctant to trust him, but admits that Samuel Campbell was one of the best hunters around when he was alive and a good man.
Samuel has been back for the same time as Sam, down to the exact hour, actually. Samuel wants Sam to come with him, hunt with him and some other Campbells, who are hovering within sight. Samuel is offering Sam something he never thought he'd have again: family.
Bobby isn't sure he wants him to leave with Samuel. He thinks Sam should go back to Dean, but Sam immediately says no. Dean has the chance to be happy now. He's out of the life. Sam can't go in and disrupt that, not after all the shit he's already put Dean through.
Bobby sighs and agrees with Sam.
Sam says yes.
Life with the Campbells, life outside of hunting, that is, almost absurdly normal. They have a large warehouse that serves as a base, but everyone has their own house, and mainly stops by for a few days before or after a case. All told their group numbers in the twenties, with Christian, Mark, Gwen, Samuel, and now Sam, at the core.
Sam has a family now. Roots. History. He's part of something bigger than he is, and he thinks this is truly what he's been searching for.
Christian and his wife argue over having a child, until Jimmy Decker (a Campbell through his mother) threatens to lock them both in a room and not let them out until one of them is giving birth or dead. Jimmy and his brothers come by the base every so often and all present Cambpells go out for drinks, which generally end with the Deckers drinking everyone under the table and amassing blackmail material.
Mark and Christian retaliate by sending Jimmy a male hooker while he and Sam are hunting a Wendigo in Arkansas. Sam videotapes the entire thing and sends it back to all the other Campbells.
Other times, a few of them will go out for a movie. Ashley Campbell drags Sam to see a crappy vampire movie that leaves them both disturbed by the rabid fans and in stitches from laughter from snarking their way through the entire movie. Ashley and Sam have almost the same sense of humor, and she knows what it feels like to lose the love of your life to evil. Out of all his relatives, he's the closest to her.
Ashley's more less the Campbell family historian. By rights, Ashley should be the head of the Campbell clan, being the firstborn from a long line of firstborn Campbells, who came over to America on the Mayflower. Ashley tells him stories, via e-mail and face-to-face, of the things Campbells have done. She paints him a picture of what he comes from, showing him how the Campbells made a name for themselves in the world, and reminding him that there is good in his blood.
Ashley's also the one who organizes his birthday party. Sam is surprised when Samuel refuses to let him take any more hunts, and though it's not the first time the elder Campbell has done so, but Sam's last hunt was a salt-and-burn which took him all of two days to complete.
That weekend, though, seventeen Campbells, Bobby Singer, and a few other hunter-affiliated people are gathered at the Campbell base, which is now decked out in balloons and streamers. There's a cake, pizza, beer, and ice cream. Jonas Meyers, who Sam knows is related to him, but is not entirely sure how, pulls up some music and Sam is treated to his first birthday party since his senior year at Stanford.
Ashley dies taking down a nest of vampires three weeks after the party.
Sam grows closer to his grandfather in response. It amazes him how similar the two of them are, and he wonders if his mother somehow knew. Samuel researches with the same intensity and calculation he does, though he tends to avoid computers like the plague. But then, Samuel died before the Internet became America's primary source of information, so Sam spends a lot of his time teaching Samuel how to work a computer and the many new pieces of technology that have cropped up in recent years. In turn, Samuel teaches Sam more about hunting, more tricks of the trade, things he would never have even thought of before, like the antidote for Djinn venom.
Aside from Samuel, Sam spends his time with Christian, Gwen, and Mark. Christian's like a quiet version of Dean, and Mark reminds him of Zach. Gwen is in a class all of her own, speaking her mind freely no matter the situation, and all the female Campbells know never to ask her for fashion advice, because she is brutally honest. Gwen also often steals everyone else's pens and pencils without realizing she's doing it, but that trait is too amusing for anyone to hold it against her.
Hunting with the Campbells is different than hunting with Dean or Bobby. After so long in Hell, it feels like he's starting afresh all over again. Sam doesn't sleep well at the beginning. More than once, Samuel, Christian, Mark, or another cousin has to barge into his room, guns cocked in response to his screams. They ask him what's wrong every time, and every time, Sam replies that he doesn't want to talk about it.
He doesn't want to remember how long he was in Hell. In Earth time, about a day. In Hell time, he stopped counting after 50.
That doesn't mean Lucifer did. Welcome, Sam, to day twenty-seven thousand and forty-one!
After the third week, he starts trying everything he can to make the dreams stop. He takes more complex hunts, trying to immerse himself as deeply into his task as possible so that he's too tired to dream at night. Mark wonders why he won't taking any sleeping pills or drink himself to sleep, but he's already overcome one addiction, and has no interest in dealing with another one. He needs to be at the top of his game on these hunts, or his second chance won't be much of a chance at all.
Eventually, Samuel refuses to give him any more cases, forcing him to sit down with Mark, Christian, and Gwen.
"This has to stop, Sam. You've taken eleven hunts back-to-back. You keep this up and you'll get yourself killed."
"I'll be fine."
"The Hell you will! You barely talk, you're running yourself into the ground, and your sleeping patterns are so screwed over, I'm surprised you even know what sleep means!
Sam is surprised that Gwen is so passionate, standing over him angrily, when she's only known him for a little while.
"Of course I care, you idiot! You're family, aren't you?"
Family.
That's right, he has family now. Just because Dean's no longer a part of his life, doesn't mean there aren't still people looking out for him, and people who count on him to look out for them. Sam remembers the hunt that took him and Dean into a psychiatric hospital, and the doctor's notes about their unhealthy codependency issues. He can't go back to that. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to Dean.
"Sam, listen to me. I can't imagine what you went through in Hell. But you're not there anymore. You understand? You're. Not. In. Hell. So don't let Hell consume you now. Don't let them win."
Samuel's right. Hell is in the past. He needs to move on. Sam gives his family a weak smile that conveys a thousand words he can't say.
"Maybe I'll take a few days off."
Even with his family at his side, Sam freezes on the first demon hunt. The demon leers at him, and he is no longer Sam Winchester, Campbell hunter, but Sam Winchester, Lucifer's meat suit and the bitch of Hell. Mark and Christian have to drag him out of the room so that Samuel could get the exorcism done. He doesn't know what goes on in there, too locked in his own memories, but when the Campbells came out, they know everything.
Everything.
They know about his mother's deal.
They know about the demon blood, both the drops in his infant mouth and the addiction he'd succumbed to.
They know about John's deal for Dean's life and Dean's deal for Sam's life.
They know about Dean breaking in Hell and the Apocalypse.
Sam's terrified when they come out, and Mark is covered in so much blood Sam knows there's going to be another body to bury tonight. Gwen looks like she's been crying. Christian and Samuel look so very grave that Sam's certain he's going to be dead by morning, too.
Then Gwen sits down beside him and punches his arm.
"That's for making me cry, you idiot. I feel like such a girl."
Then Christian sits down, too, and calmly starts cleaning his weapons. He doesn't say anything, but then again, he rarely does.
Sam stares between his cousins, reeling from their show of support. He doesn't understand why he doesn't have four guns pointed at him, why he hasn't been beaten bloody yet.
If I didn't know you, I'd want to hunt you.
Samuel sends Mark away to clean up and turns to Sam.
"Son, we need to talk."
They talk, long and late into the night. Gwen says family doesn't hunt family, and Mark says he's paid more than enough by going to Hell. Christian says he was stupid to trust a demon, and slaps him upside the head. Samuel shoots Christian a glare, and says that he knows what damage grief can do to a man.
They make sure Sam knows why he made the mistakes he did: he humanized Ruby. He invested himself too much, and though they can all understand where he's coming from to some extent, they can't let it happen again. They don't let Sam hunt alone for the next six weeks, working with him so that he doesn't revert to the way he hunted when they first met and so that he learns to distance himself from the hunt without suppressing his emotions completely.
In all honesty, Sam's got the makings of a truly exceptional hunter, and they'll be damned if they stand by without helping him reach his full potential.
Sam knows his family keeps secrets. After the mess with Jake and Ruby and Dean and Hell, he knows better than to trust anyone fully. He notes the whispered phone calls, the too-nonchalant explanations, the conversations that stop or switch when he's near. He doesn't know if he wants the truth, though. The Campbells have been together longer than he has. They surely have more cases going on than he knows about, long-term gigs that he doesn't need to interfere in.
It's not as if he doesn't have his hands full trying to figure out what brought him back.
As far as they can tell, Lucifer is still in the Cage, as is Michael. Sam's vision blurs and his ears ring every time he thinks about his younger half-brother, who gave up his body for his mother. Michael said Adam was safely ensconced in a reality Michael created for him with his mother on one of the rare occasion Michael talked to Sam without trying to tear him apart. Sam takes his word on that, because anything else would mean Adam had to watch and suffer fighting family just as much as Sam did.
No, that pain is something Sam would never wish upon anyone. His suffering is enough. And though it took him years to accept that he wasn't hurting Adam with every blow Lucifer landed on Michael, he accepted that fact the moment Lucifer walked the Earth.
Sam wonders if that's the reason, if his family won't trust him because they suspect Hell messed him up more than they can see. But when he finally thinks about calling Samuel on it, his grandfather already has a defense ready.
"It's not that we don't trust you, Sam, I promise you it's not. But you're fresh out of Hell, and even if you don't realize it, you're still not fully recovered. You're already taking so much on your plate, we don't want to add another burden on your shoulders. You understand where I'm coming from?"
Sam does. It's the same reason he lied to Dean. Of course, he was high on his own pride and self-righteousness and that blew up in his face spectacularly. Maybe Samuel's right. Maybe he isn't fully recovered.
"Sam, when you're ready, we'll tell you all about it. You have my word, son."
When he's ready. He remembers using the same reason to justify his continued secrets. Back then, he'd just wanted Dean to trust him. But for Dean to trust him, he'd needed to trust Dean first. So who was he to judge Samuel and demand answers without first extending his own trust?
"Alright. I trust you."
A voice suspiciously like Lucifer's whispers through his mind that Samuel will betray him in the name of his secret, the way Sam chose Ruby over Dean. But Sam pushes the whisper away by telling himself that Samuel is a better man than he is. Before he died, Samuel had a wife, a daughter, and great respect from the hunting community.
All Sam had were dead lovers and rampant distrust.
Then Sam shakes his head and starts researching another hunt. He broods too much, and it never leads anywhere good.
The information Sam and Samuel have on what could have brought them back leads to nowhere. They have bookshelves, cardboard boxes, and a half-full tera-drive on possible suspects, which are systematically proven to be dead ends. Sam gets frustrated; Samuel is patient. They'll find their answers.
Until then, they're going to keep doing their jobs: hunting things and saving people.
Before Sam realizes it, a year has passed. Mark calls their attention to what they suspect is a Djinn, though it seems to be working in suburbia instead of its normal solitary hideouts. Then again, almost all the monsters they know of are breaking their own behavioral patterns, making hunting them a whole new game.
Samuel has the formula for an antidote to Djinn venom, which Sam is thrilled to look at. Samuel knows a lot more about the properties of each plant that goes into it, but Sam's a quick study, and soon has his own stash of the milky white liquid. If they're going to hunt this thing, they're going to do it prepared. Killing themselves in the midst of a hallucination isn't going to cut it this time.
Sam and Gwen have had the most time pass since their last hunt, so they head out first with Mark, with Christian and Samuel as back-up. The Djinn has companions, siblings, all of them shrieking promises of vengeance as they fight. Mark is busy dodging, screaming for Samuel and Christian to hurry up and get over here and help. One knocks Gwen to the ground and then stalks forward to poison her.
Sam darts forwards to protect his cousin and reality fades away in favor of anguished screams.
"My, my, Sam. You were really getting into it, weren't you?"
No.
"I wondered why you were so quiet in there; I almost missed your screaming."
Oh God, please, NO.
Lucifer's chuckles wrap around Sam's mind like silk and burn through it like acid. It was one of Lucifer's mind games; he's still in the Cage, still trapped in the battle between the battle raging between Lucifer and Michael. His hands are slick with blood, and he doesn't even want to know what he's standing in – or how he was standing, for that matter, when his knees are shattered and his flesh burned away.
Adam – Michael – roars and descends upon him, angelic grace stabbing into him as his fingers dig into his flesh. Sam – Lucifer – brings his arms up and Sam has to remind himself all over again that it's not Adam, that he's not –
And then he's lurching up into a seated position, his heart hammering in his chest. Samuel and Gwen lean backwards to avoid getting hit by his head, and Mark and Christian start moving towards him.
"Take it easy, son. The Djinn's brother came up behind you when you were going for Gwen. Christian and I got there just in time to get you the antidote.
Sam hisses and pushes himself away from the illusions. He's not going to fall for Lucifer's trap again. The Archangel wants screams? Oh, he'll get screams.
"Get away from me! Dammit, Lucifer, you son of a bitch, let me out!"
The Campbell illusions exchange glances, and Samuel's reply is pained.
"Sam…"
"You're not real," Sam replies flatly, "Lucifer's just dicking around with me. Again."
"Sam, we're not illusions. That wasn't Lucifer you saw, son. It was just the Djinn."
Sam's eyes widen and his breathing calms. It makes sense. If his vision of Lucifer wasn't real, then his claim that the life Sam had been living for nearly a year was a lie wasn't true, which means that what Sam sees now is reality. His family was real.
But no, Lucifer is the Prince of Lies. This could easily be a construct, and trying to prove it to himself one way or the other strays into metaphysical theory Sam avoided even back at Stanford. He's all for critical analysis, but some things are just too much. He wants so badly for this to be real, for this life and family to be truly his.
"Alright. What happened to the Djinn?"
Samuel is slightly taken aback by Sam's easy acceptance, but they are in the middle of a hunt. There's no time for second-guessing.
"The three of them are heading to Indiana – Cicero, Indiana."
Sam's blood runs cold. Maybe this is one of Lucifer's illusions after all. There's only one thing in Cicero, Indiana that the Djinn could want – Dean Winchester. The same Dean Winchester who Sam begged to get out of the life, and who Sam has been working to keep out of the hunting life.
The same Dean Winchester who doesn't even know Sam's alive.
"It's been a year, Sam. Dean will have healed by now. At worst, he's going to punch you. Repeatedly."
But Mark doesn't know Dean like Sam does. The instant Sam comes into contact with Dean, his older brother will drop everything and come running. And Sam can't pull Dean away from his normal life, not when they still don't know who brought him back or why, and definitely not with his near-constant stream of hunts. Sam knows what it was like to get back into the game after an extended period away, and it was hard. He doesn't want Dean to go through that.
But he'll be damned to Hell again if he stands by while a Djinn goes after his brother.
Just like Samuel did for him, Sam gets there just in time to save Dean. His brother slumps, unconscious, and Sam kicks the equally unconscious – and hopefully dead – Djinn out of the way as he carries Dean out. His brother is lighter than he remembers, but he supposes that a year of domesticity would have eliminated some of his muscle.
He sets Dean down gently on a cot in the warehouse they've been using as a base here. He doesn't realize that he's not letting anyone near Dean until Samuel gives a soft sigh and ushers Gwen, Mark, and Christian out of the room. Sam notes that the harsh lines and edges the year of the Apocalypse have faded from Dean's face. Lisa and Ben have been good for him.
Finally, he's done something for Dean without it blowing up in his face.
Dean wakes up, and Sam runs through the tests to prove himself without even hesitating – though iron rounds taste nasty – and Dean hugs him, and then life gives him its customary kick in the teeth.
Because Dean's still pissed at him, still refuses to see reason, and still doesn't trust him.
"I wanted my brother – alive!"
The amulet Sam keeps in his pocket suddenly feels like it's going to burn through his clothes and he wonders if Dean really believes that. Because as far as he can tell, Dean hasn't wanted his brother since he threw away the amulet and walked out – maybe even earlier, if the conversation between Dean and Castiel that Lucifer showed him was real.
Dean was healing, and that's all Sam wants. He wants to leave behind the past of lies and secrets and broken relationships and manipulations and focus on the future. He wants to move on from the year of the Apocalypse, a year when his closest bond was formed from necessity rather than desire and both parties refused to admit it. If he'd gone back to Dean when he got topside, nothing would have changed. Their relationship would have been just as broken, if not more, and they'd have kept each other shackled to their pasts.
But Sam's not going to fight with Dean anymore. Even if their fighting was their own weird way of connecting, he can't go back to that. Not again, not after Hell. So, instead, he introduces Dean to the family.
Gwen tells Dean he has delicate features, and Sam grins. It's Gwen's seal of approval, and if Gwen approves, the others won't be long to follow. Dean doesn't reciprocate, of course, but Dean's always had problems trusting.
Sam starts explaining the hunt before he can think of Adam and ghouls.
Dean wants to jump right into the fray, which is stupid, since he hasn't hunted anything in a year, and he's bound to be out of practice. Sam may have spent over two decades worshipping the ground his brother walked, but he knows his brother isn't infallible, least of all when he's out of practice. Putting Dean at the front of this hunt will only lead to damage and destruction.
Though they could do without the 'professional' comment from Christian. They could do even less with the insinuations Christian makes about Dean's time in Hell. Sam's ten seconds away from beating the crap out of him for calling Dean weak. But somehow, when Dean looks at him with hurt and betrayal, thinking he had been the one to tell Christian, he can't bring himself to point out that it wasn't him. Telling the truth will mean telling Dean about his breakdown, revealing how weak and pathetic he is, and how much more about their lives the Campbells really know, which won't go over well with Christian and Dean glaring daggers at each other.
Fantastic, two alpha males butting heads. Just what this family needs.
Sam wants Dean to come hunt with Campbells like he does. As little as he wants to admit it, once you get back in the life, there's no returning to normal. Now that Dean's hunted the supernatural again, more will follow, and Lisa and Ben will constantly be in danger. Dean won't be able to protect the both of them and watch his own back forever.
It's why their father never remarried and trained Sam and Dean up like little soldiers.
The hunt goes just like any other hunt Sam's ever been on with Dean. One of them gets hurt, the other saves them in the nick of time, and there's enough property damage to drive Bill Gates to bankruptcy. Except that this is one of few times when it's Sam saving Dean instead of the other way around. And Sam's heart swells with just a little pride at that, because it finally feels like he's starting to pay Dean back for everything he's done for him.
When Dean says he's going to stay with Lisa and Ben, Sam feels hurt, but he gets it. He'd wanted to do the same six years ago, wanted to stay with Jessica and build a life with her instead of hunting again. But he went because Dean asked him, and no matter how appalling his relationship with John Winchester was, the man was still his father, and part of him – a part he still rarely acknowledges – was worried.
For a moment, he wonders what would have happened if he'd said 'no' to Dean. If he and Jessica would have survived, if she'd have finally found the right time to tell him about the baby growing in her womb – and damn Lucifer for being the one to tell him, while wearing Jessica's face, no less. Damn him a thousand times over for tainting his memories of the only woman he'd ever truly loved.
I was dead the moment you came into my world, Sam.
And then the moment passes, because the past should stay in the past, and letting go is a hard, bitter lesson he thinks he's finally learned. So he leaves Dean's house with a nod and a promise to keep in touch.
It was like their separation after he'd set Lucifer free all over again.
But this time, he isn't alone.
The first thing Sam does when he regroups with the Campbells is slam his fist into Christian's face, because where does the little shite get off on bringing back Dean's time in Hell? While Christian is still dazed, Sam pulls him up by the collar, grateful that he is the largest of all the Campbells, and drags his cousin to a secluded room to talk.
"What the Hell is your problem with Dean?"
"I don't have a problem with him."
"You want me to give you another shiner to go with what you've got? Try again."
Christian just stares back at Sam mutinously. Sam sighs.
"Look, I know Dean wasn't the most accepting of the situation, but come on, do you really expect him to trust easily, after everything he's been through?"
"His lack of trust isn't what I have an issue with."
"… Then what?"
"That! That's what I have a problem with!"
The look on Christian's face is equal parts frustration and fear and Sam knows exactly what it means. It means 'Why can't you understand this simple thing?' and 'Why is it so difficult for you to see the point I'm making?' Sam used to wear it around Dean all the time, and Dean turned it back on him often enough in the end days.
"You're going to have to explain that one to me, Christian."
"Damn it, Sam, can't you see what he's doing to you? To this family? Dean's not going to come to us, so you're going to end up going to him."
Sam nearly stumbles back in shock.
"Wha – don't be ridiculous, Christian! This isn't an either-or situation."
"It is to Dean. And because of what you think of him, it soon will be for you, too."
Sam's eyebrows rise and he gets the feeling he's not going to like the answer to his next question.
"'What I think of Dean?' What do you mean?"
Christian rolls his eyes.
"Sam, the way you talk about your brother, it's like hear Why the Nations of the Earth Should Come Together and Name Dean Winchester Their God-King, or near enough."
This time, Sam does stumble back.
"I don't-"
"Yeah, you do. And every time you build him up, you put yourself down. It's like, in your head, Dean is all that is Right, and Sam is all that is Wrong."
Christian has no idea what he's talking about. Sam knows better than anybody what Dean's faults are. He's obsessive, he treats porn the way a Catholic treats the Bible, he doesn't trust easily, he's rash… but throughout all this, Dean is unfailingly loyal, brave, trustworthy, and a great judge of character. He's always been there for Sam, cleaning up his messes, even when Sam was too weak, too selfish, too proud, too much of a coward to do it himse – Oh God, Christian's right.
"I just don't want you to leave us."
Christian's quiet admission sends Sam reeling. Christian never says much, but when he does, it always means something.
"You're one of the best damn hunters I know, Sam, and an irreplaceable part of my family. I don't want you to go back to being Dean's sidekick like you were before."
Sam nearly forgets how to breathe. He hasn't felt this wanted in so long, he'd forgotten what it felt like. Once, so far back he can barely remember it, Dean had wanted him like that, but then Dean just wanted his little brother to protect, not the adult to help. Somewhere along the line, Dean stopped seeing him as a person in his own right, and as a mission. To be protected, saved, corrected, stopped… and he doesn't even know what Dean thinks of him now.
Sam shakes his head. He's not going to play the either-or game. Dean's made his choice to stay with Lisa and Ben, and Sam's going to keep hunting.
"I'm not leaving, Christian. You're unfortunately stuck with me. Now, let's get you something for that eye."
Time continues to pass, and before he knows it, Sam's dealing with a case involving babies of all things, and it makes his stomach churn every time he thinks about it. Babies. The most innocent creatures on the face of the planet. What sick monster, human or otherwise, would want to hurt those?
In the end, it's a shapeshifter, and Sam is left with an armful of baby. Jimmy Decker bursts out laughing at the look on his face, and Sam would break his nose if he had an arm to sp – Did he just get peed on?
Jimmy doesn't stop laughing until he's three states away on his next hunt.
Sam calls Dean, because he doesn't know anyone else who might be able to look after a baby, let alone deal with Sam panicking over a baby. And when it comes to dealing with humanitarian things like what to do with a baby shapeshifter, Dean's much better at making decisions than Sam is.
It's amazing to see how paternal Dean is, but Sam supposes Dean's had plenty of experience, dealing with both him and Ben. Dean's moved houses now, to keep Ben and Lisa safe, and Sam can tell he's itching to get back to them.
Dean says it's temporary, that he just wants them safe.
That's what John Winchester said, too.
Dean's not too happy about the comparison.
But, Sam muses, Dean's not John, and Lisa is neither Dean nor Mary, and Ben's not Sam. Different family, different circumstances, hopefully different outcome. He can only hope Dean gets better than John got, because God knows Dean deserves it.
A baby shapeshifter. Honestly, he still can't wrap his head around it. However illogical it may have been, he's always thought the monsters they hunt appeared fully formed and ready to kill. To think that they came from something so small and seemingly innocent.
Baby monsters, who'd have thought?
Sam walks back into the motel room to see Dean under attack, and he puts a bullet in the attacker's head before he even realizes it. That's how deep and intense his relationship with his brother is, and a year apart did nothing to dull it. He'd shoot anyone and anything that touches his brother, with no hesitation and damn the consequences.
They take the baby to Samuel, because if one shifter's out for this kid, others will be, too, and maybe even the shifter Alpha, and Sam has no intention of facing that thing alone. The Campbell base is the safest place for them.
Sam doesn't understand why Dean is so angry at the Campbells for giving the baby to Christian. The man is a fantastic hunter, and a great person. He and his wife know how to keep each other safe, and know to look after children, having helped out with other cousins many times. And besides, the shifter baby can either be raised by someone who knows about its abilities, or it can be let loose in the world to be warped and tainted and become just another monster to be hunted. Why can't Dean see that they're saving the baby's future?
But then, they lose the baby, in the end, and the shifter Alpha gets away after handing all of them their asses on a silver platter. They've been attacked in what's as close to their home as possible, and they're hurting and struggling to regroup.
So, obviously, Dean picks then to ask if Sam was using the baby as bait.
The fear that he's still in the Cage rises to the forefront of Sam's mind, because how could Dean ask him that? How could his own brother think so little of him as to believe he'd use a baby as bait? The look in Dean's when he drops the subject is one Sam is all to familiar with. It's the same look Dean had in his eyes for the better part of two years before Sam jumped into the Cage.
Dean doesn't trust him.
Dean goes back to Lisa and Ben while Sam moves on to his next hunt. He needs to keep busy for now, settle his head before rejoining the others. Of course, the others don't necessarily agree, and Rodney Decker, Jimmy's younger brother, manages to not only track him down, but also send him a hooker.
A role-playing hooker.
A role-playing hooker dressed as a high-class executive that Sam greets cluelessly while his room looks like Hurricane Katrina stopped by.
Sam's pretty sure it's the most amusing opening to a session the woman's ever had. He forces her to sit and eat, because Rodney's an idiot and booked her for the entire night, and the grumble from the poor girls' stomach says she clearly hasn't had dinner. He has to bribe her to eat, but at least his food's not going to waste, and she's not going to randomly pass out on him. She watches him as he cleans the room, wary and amused.
"You know I'm a hooker, right? Not your girlfriend, or something."
"Doesn't mean you're not still a lady. Besides, I need to do something to regain my dignity."
She grins. She can think of plenty of ways he can do that.
The sex they have is light and casual, something Sam was never able to appreciate before Ruby. If there was one good thing the demon bitch taught him, it was how to please a woman.
And he has to say, his bedmate for the night sounds pretty damn pleased.
She leaves in the morning, flirting with him just a little more and giving him her home number. Sam idly considers sending it to Rodney and getting him in trouble with his girlfriend as revenge, before tossing the card in the trash. No need to get an innocent civilian involved in his life.
Dean calls Sam as he's starting to get back into his research. He might be a little curt, but Dean knows how he gets when he's in the middle of research, and if he's honest with himself, he's still a little sore at Dean's distrust. But maybe, he's reading too much into things. Dean's leaving Lisa and Ben to hunt with him… and he can't help but feel as though the world is finally righting itself.
By the time Dean arrives, Sam's scoped out the town and they go down to the morgue. The dead man is covered in boils… and the other dead man had more or less liquefied himself into a puddle of blood.
And after the locusts exploding out of the third cop's head, it takes surprisingly little research to realize that they're dealing with a bastardized version of the Ten Plagues. Dean's first thought is to call Castiel, their source of knowledge on all things Biblical.
Sam scoffs. Because that worked so well for him in the past.
Dean prays anyway, though his prayer is said in true Dean Winchester style with as much disrespect for the holy being as possible.
"I told you, Dean, the son of a bitch won't answer his phone – he's right behind me, isn't he?"
Castiel's simple, nonchalant greeting sends a spike of rage and hurt through Sam. He had begged and pleaded until he practically lost his voice for Castiel to no avail, and all it took from Dean was a half-assed prayer and Castiel appeared within seconds?
But of course. Castiel was Dean's angel, Dean's friend, not Sam's. Castiel pulled Dean from Hell and rebelled against Heaven for Dean. Not Sam. Sam was just the Abomination, the Boy With Demon Blood. He didn't have the profound bond that Castiel and Dean shared.
Castiel tells him that the reason he didn't come when Sam called was because he doesn't know what pulled Sam out of the Cage. It definitely wasn't God.
Sam's not surprised. There is no God for him, so he doesn't know why it still hurts so much – that's a lie.
He knows exactly why it hurts so much.
It's because he had faith before Dean, and after. When Dean thought angels were myths and jokes, Sam believed and prayed. When Dean thought angels were a bunch of arrogant, self-serving dicks, Sam believed and prayed. When Dean was dying, he prayed. He prayed for the safety of Jess' soul, even his father's. When Dean was ready to throw in the towel and let the Apocalypse destroy the world, still Sam held on to his ever-dwindling belief in God and prayed. He's been praying since he was eight years old and first asked Pastor Jim why God made the monsters his father hunted.
And even when all the got in return was a dead brother and nearly two hundred years in Hell, he still prayed.
But God doesn't care about the Boy With Demon Blood, and it hurts.
Sam doesn't feel any better when Castiel tells him that he didn't come because Dean called, but because he needs their help. Part of him doesn't want to help Castiel after what he's done, or rather, not done, but that's petty, and people are in danger whether they work together or not..
They capture the boy who's been wielding a piece of Moses' staff to enact revenge on his brother's behalf. Dean's not happy with their methods, or with the method Castiel uses to extract information on who holds the boy's soul.
Sam's blood runs cold when he sees Castiel plunge his hand into the boy's torso and hears the boys screams. The technique does more than find the soul, it can remove it. He would know, Lucifer used it to push his soul from his body and pass it around Hell. Michael used it on him when he suppressed Lucifer.
And it put a whole new spin on the phrase 'hurts like Hell.'
Sam pulls Dean back when he moves forward to stop Castiel. They need the intel, and Sam's pretty sure Castiel's liable to hurt Dean for interrupting him, if the look on his face is anything to go by.
Figures it's an angel holding the boy's soul. Sam's not sure why Dean's so surprised. The angels have already proven themselves to be dicks. Bartering for souls like demons? Not that much more of a stretch.
The fight to get Moses' staff back and the face off against Castiel's brother/friend/whatever it is angels are to each other brings back far too many memories of the year leading up to the Apocalypse and Zachariah's machinations to get him and Dean to say yes to Lucifer and Michael. He knows he probably needs to work past that memory association, before it leads him to freeze up or break down on a hunt.
The past is the past and has no business in the present.
In the end, Castiel manages to the boy's soul freed and returns to Heaven a little more frayed around the edges. It's a civil war up there, with brother fighting against brother. Lucifer shared whispers of the turmoil there with him sometimes, taunting him with knowledge of angels who wanted to restore the Apocalypse Sam and Dean had subverted.
Sam finds himself standing beside the passenger side of the Impala like he had so many times before, because Castiel just had to jump out the window with the other angel and land onto his car. His Dodge Charger, which was as much an emblem of his new life as a tribute to the woman it had once belonged to – Ashley.
The trunk of the Impala is messier than Sam remembers it ever being, and Dean has a wendigo mask, of all things, stored in there. He's a little surprised to learn that Ben made it for Halloween, but he's already seen that Lisa and Ben are accepting of the other side of Dean's life. Sam tosses in his duffel bag, which has more than just guns and knives, but also amulets and salt and odds and ends he's picked up over the year that can't afford to lose. Ashley's favorite necklace, a scrapbook of photos from his birthday party, and one of his mother's rings may or may not be tucked away in a side pocket – he's not going to risk their safety with anyone.
Sam's about to get in when Dean asks again if he's alright, if he's with him. And Sam stresses again that yes, he is, and bites back on the old hurt and ire threatening to rise. He will not let himself revert to the way he behaved when Dean didn't trust him before. He will not rely so heavily on one person's trust that he loses his way without it. Not again.
Sam is a different person than Dean, and his experience in Hell was different. He won't say he's stronger, because life has proven time and time again that, if anything, he's the weaker of the two brothers. He's just… different. Sam went to Hell of his own volition, not because of some contract he was forced into to save a brother who should have stayed dead. Dean went to Hell fearing it, but Sam went to Hell preparing himself for what was to come and knowing that it was necessary.
Knowing that, on some level, he deserved it.
And because of that, Sam's been able to heal over the year. Dean came back to angels and a looming Apocalypse and a brother he didn't know what to do with, a brother who in the end couldn't help him heal, only break him further. Sam was fortunate enough to come back to a world in only the average amount of peril and a family that could help him heal.
But even as Sam slides into the passenger's seat on the Impala, the sense of familiarity wars with the sense that the life he's building for himself is slipping through his fingers like sand through a sieve.
Time flows on and Sam can feel himself reverting to the younger brother/sidekick role he'd fought so hard to break out of.
He feels it on the hunt for the vengeful spirit in Ohio that's going around killing Catholics who are very vocal about their faith. Sam gets thrown down a flight of stairs and Dean burns the bones before Sam gets impaled with a poker.
He feels it when Dean counters any hunt Sam learns about from Samuel with one he's already got from Bobby, and they go on Bobby's hunt every time.
He feels it on the hunt for the lamia, when he's the one getting tossed around like a rag doll, and Dean's the one calling Bobby, getting answers, and saving the day – with barely a scratch on him, too, while Sam's entire torso is a motley of bruises. A few months ago, he'd have called Ashley and she'd have distracted him with random and obscure facts about their vast family while scolding him for not being more careful and sharing hunting tips. Now, he's just going to call Samuel as ask him what the ratio of arnica to St. John's wort the Campbell homeopathic salve has.
He doesn't feel like he's regained any footing until they're in the air with Bobby's rant ringing in their ears and Dean clutching his armrests so tightly his entire hand turns white. Even then, he can feel the disgust churning in his stomach that his brother's paralyzing fear is what restores his emotional equilibrium. No wonder their relationship is so messed up.
Sam shakes his head and offers Dean what few Metallica songs he has on his iPod, and asks the stewardesses for new paper bags when his brother makes it through the old one. When the plane lands in Scotland several hours later, Dean isn't the only one thanking God that he's on land again.
Dealing with Crowley brings up as many if not more issues and memories and memories of issues for Sam than dealing with Castiel and his angel family drama did. Sam associates Crowley with Hell, the last place he saw the demon, and no matter how much of a sleaze he is for keeping Bobby's soul, Sam can't let Dean wantonly burn his bones.
"Dean, we made a deal."
Holding Dean back may piss him off, but pissing off the King of Hell is a far worse idea.
"I don't need you to fight my battles for me. Bend over…"
The "and take it up the arse" is implied and Crowley's lips twitch and Sam has to force himself to remain in the present, and not remember Cr – NO.
He's not going to remember the days, months, years he spent under Crowley's thumb. He's not going to remember Crowley's fingers ghosting over him and Crowley's breath hot on his skin. He's not going to remember how he used every skill he'd ever gained as a law student to hone Crowley's plan to take over Hell, and he's not going to remember everything he did for Crowley to get the demon to make a deal with him that he wouldn't screw over the hunters Sam cared about on a whim after he took over.
Dean is understandable angry after Crowley leaves and demands to know why Sam stopped him. Sam simply asks if Dean would rather have Crowley of someone like Alistair ruling Hell, and slips back into their rental car before Dean can give him an answer. They call Bobby and he jokes about Dean's fear of flying, but the moment the Winchester brothers land back in the United States, Sam can Dean's strength return and his own diminish.
The trend continues the more they hunt, and each night Sam swears to himself that the next morning he's not going to let himself play sidekick anymore, and each morning Sam's resolve is batted away like a fly. It wreaks havoc on Sam's emotional equilibrium as he tries to reconcile the independent, efficient hunter he's become with the adoring little brother Dean wants him to be.
Dean doesn't appear to notice Sam's distress, but that may just be because he's too busy being suspicious of Sam and trying to make sure he's not secretly gone darkside. Honestly, who does Dean think he's fooling, asking when the last time they hung out, when they're in the middle of a hunt? Especially a hunt with vampires, when Ashley's already lost her life to them, and popular culture has romanticized them into some kind of douchey Prince Charmings.
It makes some kind of twisted sense that Sam has his requisite breakdown right when Dean needs him the most. He's killed his vamp and turns the corner on his way to help Dean, only to find himself unable to move as he watches a vampire force its blood into Dean's mouth. He stands frozen in place, remembering Ruby and Roy and the curse of demon blood he'd been under since he was six months old. He stands frozen as his thoughts dissolve into a maelstrom of half-formed thoughts and emotions, images of blood flowing down his own throat willingly and unwillingly flashing by along with the sound of Samuel's voice as he spreads the word of Ashley's demise.
He's not sure whether his cry of 'No!' is in response to the vampire touching his brother, or his own psyche threatening to shatter.
Dean's first reaction when he wakes up as a vampire is to demand that Sam behead him. Sam rolls his eyes and tells his brother to sit down so that they can figure this out.
"What's there to figure out, Sam? You're a hunter and I'm a vampire. Hunters kill vampires. End of story."
"Was it the end of story with Lenore? You remember, the one who didn't want to kill use and wouldn't drink my blood when it was dripped on her face? I'm going to call Samuel. Maybe he'll know what to do."
Samuel agrees to meet them at their motel, and all they have left to do is wait. Sam refuses to listen to anything Dean says to get him to kill him, because he's not going to become like Gordon Walker, and for all that he's a good hunter, family comes first.
Dean demands to know why he's so calm, and Sam replies that he's trying to stay calm for his brother, swallowing bile at the insinuation that he might have known this was coming or wanted it to happen. Dean needs him to be strong now, to balance out his panic and bloodlust-ridden thoughts, like Sam needed him when he went through his demon blood withdrawals.
Sam wonders if the bloodlust feels the same for Dean as it did for him, but Dean isn't too keen on sharing. Sam wonders if it even registers in Dean's mind that Sam might just understand what he's going through, and that every time he calls himself a monster, he's inadvertently calling Sam one, too.
But, Sam has a feeling part of Dean does believe he's a monster, and has done so since he first found out about the demon blood. The Apocalypse and a year apart have done little to banish that, and if Sam keeps trying to psychoanalyze his brother, he's going miss if said brother tries anything…
Samuel is going to kill him.
When Samuel arrives, he is justifiably annoyed at Sam for losing his brother, a newborn vampire with undetermined control over his powers and bloodlust. Dean comes back, though, after what appears to be an unpleasant visit with Lisa. He's ready for Samuel to kill him, and it's all Sam can do not to throw the machete down and refuse to touch his brother.
Suffice to say, he is beyond relieved when Samuel reveals that there is a cure. The three of them has out a plan and Dean leaves for the nest. Samuel turns to his grandson.
"What the Hell's wrong with you, Sam?"
Sam's blood runs cold at those words, though he forces himself to remain calm. Samuel is not John Winchester, and he's not about to get lectured for being an incompetent hunter. It's just, he'd heard those words fall from John's lips so many times, and in the same tone, and look at how their relationship turned out. Sam doesn't know what he'd do if the same happened with Samuel. The older Campbell is the closest he's had to a father since he was eight, and John Winchester turned into a drill sergeant training his little soldiers to hunt. Bobby is more of an Uncle to him, because Dean's his favorite, and he's always only been 'Dean's younger brother.' And for a while, he'd consoled himself with the thought of his Heavenly Father, until He, too, turned out not to care.
"I told you about the cure months ago."
No, it couldn't have been. Months ago, Sam had been reeling from Ashley's death, and barely knew left from right. Samuel knew it, and there's no way he'd have approached Sam with sensitive information like that in his unbalanced state. It must have been Christian, or one of the other hunters in his generation.
Sam keeps himself under tight control as he turns the question back to Samuel, asking how the Hell the man could think he would do something so heinous to his own brother. He'd have to be some kind of soulless monster, the kind they routinely hunt, and even those were proving to care about family.
The hunt goes about as well as can be expected, with Dean tearing through the horde of vampires before beheading his sire. They get enough blood for the cure, and in the wake of his relief, Sam's intellectual curiosity breaks through the barrier between his brain and his mouth, asking Dean again what it feels like.
He knows he shouldn't have said it the moment the words fall from his lips, because he would have verbally eviscerated anyone who'd asked him that while he was detoxing, but really, when are they ever going to get a chance like this again? Isn't it possible that if they understand vampires better, they can gain an edge over them?
But Dean never does answer him, even after the cure, which Sam thinks might almost be worse than the demon blood detox. Essentially the same thing is happening, though; the body is burning out the foreign blood and trying to readjust to functioning without it.
When Dean's himself again, he reveals what he learned from the nest, about the telepathic Alpha, the budding army, and the fact that vampires are no longer afraid of hunters. Samuel leaves soon after he gets all the intel from Dean and the brothers themselves pack up to leave. As they're about to get into the Impala, Dean asks Sam a half-rhetorical question about whether or not Sam has his back.
Of course Sam does. That goes without question.
Dean gives him a smile that stops a mile short of his eyes and Sam slides into his seat, fighting back the mounting horror that he's lost what little trust his brother may or may not have had in him since their reunion without even knowing why.
Things come to a head one their next case – a string of suicides, too close to be random. Dean is jumpy and edgy, with Lisa refusing to talk to him, and Sam tries to take his mind of things with a hunt, the way Dean did for him when he was still wounded and raw from Jess' death.
Sam gets especially charged up about this hunt as they get into it, because using truth to hurt and kill is something Lucifer would do, and it goes without saying that he's going to have some issues with anything resembling or modeling Lucifer.
He's a little surprised that Dean's the one offering to stay back to research, which just goes to show how badly this hunt is messing with him. He wants this over with as soon as possible so that he can get stone drunk and run up his phone bill by drunk dialing Gwen, who's in Japan helping out a friend. The time difference might cause a problem, but every male Campbell will agree that a riled up Gwen is hilarious a thousand times over when they're drunk. They have yet to discern why.
Sam really, really wants to be drunk when Dean corners him and forces the truth out of him under the curse. Dean wants to know why Sam watched him get turned and the question pierces through Sam with as much pain and intensity as Jake sliding a knife in his back – no, it's worse.
It takes a moment for Sam to pull himself back together and he denies Dean's accusation, trying to keep his words calm and level. They are in the middle of a hunt, after all. Looking back, he can't pinpoint exactly why he froze, whether from shock, or a flashback, or a panic attack, and he doesn't know what triggered it, and more importantly, how could Dean think that of his own brother?
Dean cuts him off before his babbling can develop fully into hysteria and Sam clamps down tightly on his rioting emotions. There will be time enough for breakdowns after they finish the hunt.
It turns out the goddess Veritas was causing all the havoc in the city and feasting on the dead bodies, claiming them as tribute. She gets Sam and Dean tied up in her basement, surrounded by dead bodies and pulls the truth from them, trying to make their last hours as painful as possible.
Dean reveals that he thought Sam was a monster and wanted nothing more than to kill him. It cuts Sam so deeply, he's actually pretty numb to it, his mind bringing up the possibility that none of this is real as a defense mechanism. He doesn't know what it says that he would rather be trapped in the Cage with Lucifer messing with his head than on Earth with Dean telling him he thought he was a monster.
But Dean doesn't believe that anymore, and Sam holds on to that line with everything he has and everything he said he wouldn't let himself invest in their relationship for fear of making it as irreparably tangled as it used to be.
Then Veritas turns to him, trying to pull some hurtful truth about what Sam feels for his brother from him.
Honestly, Sam's betrayed and angry and tired and just wants his brother to stop being such a paranoid bastard and give the Campbells a chance to be his family and so many other things – that don't matter.
"We have each others backs, and that's what important."
An unhappy gleam appears in the goddess' eyes and she's suddenly asking Sam how he's lying to her. Sam's head snaps up, stunned, and he can tell by the wicked gleam in the goddess' eyes as she throws a fit that she knows Sam is telling the truth. But Sam's truth would only serve to strengthen the bond the brothers have, and comfort them in their last hours, and that won't do at all.
Sam instinctively thanks God that Veritas didn't check him for weapons when she tied him up as his knife slices through the last thread of the ropes binding his wrists. He slides the knife to Dean and shoots up to attack the goddess. The fight is quick and dirty, with Sam plunging a knife into the goddess' heart, killing her.
Sam barely has time to breathe before his brother is facing him with a knife and murder written on his face. Dean wants to know what Sam is and why he should believe anything he says.
Sam backs up, his heart racing, and he lies through his teeth, spouting off what he thinks Dean's expecting to hear. He says he watched Dean get turned, that he can't feel, that he needs help. He makes himself out to be the monster his brother thinks he is, the monster Dean's subconsciously been expecting him to be from the moment John Winchester told him he'd have to save his brother or kill him, maybe even from the first moment Sam revealed his visions.
Because Dean is Right and Sam is Wrong, and that's the rule they live by.
But Sam's lies always backfire, no matter how well intentioned they are, and this particular set of lies blows up in his face quite spectacularly. Dean slugs Sam across the jaw, then grabs his collar and punches him again.
And again.
And again.
The only difference between you and a demon, Sam, is that your Hell is right here.
Sam thinks Brady was right all along, because this is Hell. Every punch Dean lands on his face sends cracks racing through the grip Sam has on the life he's building, the person he's tried to become, like a hammer smashed against glass.
Dean's face is cold, closed off, because Sam's just another mission, just another monster. His fist plows into Sam's face again, bone grating against bone –
- And Sam shatters, falling into darkness.
I don't believe…
In what?
In you.
A/N: And there you have it. For clarification, italicized lines without quotation marks are not typos, but Sam's memories of things said in the past. Anyway, what do you think? Please, leave a review!