"Wait, are you… do you want me to have a crush on you again?" Kurt laughed, staring at Finn with interest. They were lounging around in the basement that was Kurt's bedroom. Kurt was flipping through sheet music and a high-end fashion magazine simultaneously while lying stomach down on his bed. Finn had been reading a football magazines sitting in a chair across the room when he had asked Kurt why he had stopped liking him.
"I- I'm sorry. It's just… all the girls have been making fun-"
"-Of your doughy physique?" Kurt raised an eyebrow, looking up from his bed at Finn. "Finn, there's now way I'd ever have a crush on you again." He looked back down at the sheet music and continued highlighting his parts.
"Did you find me attractive?" Finn asked sheepishly. Kurt looked up at Finn and smiled as though amused.
"Are you sure you want to get into this? You always get anxious with this kind of stuff." Finn nodded smally, but wouldn't look at Kurt. "Well, personality comes first to me in means of attraction-"
"So I'm not attractive…"
"I never said that." Kurt rolled his eyes. "I found you attractive, and if you'll permit me, I still do." He flipped a page in his magazine after putting his sheet music underneath the magazine. He had out a sharpie and was marking his favorite pieces.
"What… what about Sam?" Finn was apprehensive.
"Finn, are you trying to tell me something?" Kurt said disbelievingly. "What's this about?"
"I've been feeling really insecure about my body since Rocky Horror… and Sam's all ripped and I'm… I'm not."
"Well…" Kurt had a sly little grin on his face. "He's a different sort of hot."
"Is he better than me?"
"Finn, why do you want to compare yourself to Sam?"
"Because if I ask a girl she'll just laugh, and Rachel will say anything to make me feel better. But I don't want to feel better, I just want to unbiased truth. I thought I could get that from you."
"His looks are stereotypical. They're the look that every guy is supposed to want. You know… the muscles, the alluring eyes, the tanned skin, the obviously dyed hair…" Kurt smiled. "You've got a different sort that can't really be compared to him. You've got that nurturing 'I'll stay with you' look that is much more comforting and less intimidating."
"So… is that good?" Finn asked. Kurt chuckled and kicked his legs above his bed. He turned his attention back to the magazine.
"It's very good."
Finn sat there picking at his jacket for a while as Kurt flipped through the magazine that might as well be a book. He put post-it notes at pages that he was going to cut out to put in his own fashion sketchbook. Kurt was acting so blasé about this subject, the awkward tensions between them last year had nearly vanished. Finn just needed to get over his own personal feeling of stereotyping.
"So… do you have any body issues?"
Kurt looked up with a huge smile on his face as though Finn had told a hilarious joke.
"You're joking right?" The look on Finn's face was so confused that Kurt knew that he wasn't. "You're talking to a boy who has a 30 minute moisturizing ritual. I have 12 different bottles just for my skin alone. I am so insecure about my body that I hate myself most of the time, actually."
"Woah, dude." Finn said. "I mean… you're not- I don't think-"
"You don't have to compliment me or anything if you're uncomfortable with it." Kurt said, writing something down on a sticky note and putting it next a cashmere sweater.
"But I want to." Finn said. "You look good! I mean, like… for a gay guy. Like… your skin is nice, your eyes are nice…"
"You're sweet." Kurt said, chuckling sadly. "I just look stereotypical. Feminine and thin."
"Well, yea, that's what I meant but I didn't want to sound… like…"
"I'm okay with it, I mean, I certainly don't want any muscles. Me? With muscles?" Kurt blew it off. "But maybe less frail.
"I just want to be hot." Finn said dejectedly.
"You are Finn. Just understand that everyone feels that way. Even those who are supposedly very cocky about their looks, I.e. Santana, don't like their body, even if just . That's why she got a boob job. You just have to accept who you are. Then will you truly feel attractive inside and out."
"To be honest, I thought that.. You know… you held yourself at a higher esteem than that, that gay dudes always thought they looked good."
"No, I think we have a stronger desire to want to look good. And not all gays-"
"Yeah, I know." Finn said. Kurt had been looking him in the eye, and he took this as a good sign. When Kurt was nervous or whenever things got personal, he wouldn't look Finn directly in the eye. "I guess… just gays like you… your type of gay… do- are you like, divided or something?"
Kurt blushed and looked down at his magazine, embarrassed. "Bears and Twinks." He muttered quietly. "I had no clue that there was even a thing… But I went- don't tell anyone, but I went to a gay bar once, and a drunk guy had called me 'Twink' all night, and I had no clue what it was. I went home and I googled it." Kurt smiled, truly embarrassed. "There was porn. Lots and lots of porn. Bears are manly, hairy biker guys- muscular, with mustaches and beards, shaved heads, usually… It's… really…" Kurt closed his eyes. "Anyway…."
"So… you're a Twink?" Finn asked. Kurt blushed deeply and accidentally messed up in writing a note in his embarrassment. Hearing Finn call him a Twink was… unsettling. It was hard to put the awkwardness into words.
"Only if you're referring to me in a sexual way, that's how it's intended. It's not used in casual conversation." Kurt muttered, a smile on his lips.
"Oh." Finn said. He was quiet for a little bit more, but Kurt anticipated another question. "Hey, do you mind if I ask a really awkward question?"
"I'll brace myself."
"Are you like- turned on by your own… like.. Your-"
Kurt cut him off with laughter. After the conversations about Twinks, Finn would ask something so childish and hilarious as this. Kurt actually sat up so he could grab his stomach in laughter. Finn frowned a little bit. "Finn, I knew you'd be the one to ask this!"
"What? It's a good question!" Finn said, smiling a little bit.
"The answer is no. It's- well… I don't know. Maybe a little… but I really only see the things that are wrong. When I look at myself… nude…I just… I see me, you know? I see what could be improved to make me more attractive. What I would find attractive in another guy, I want to improve on myself. I mean, my ribs are too prominent, my hips are too bony, my arms are like toothpicks, don't even get me started about my- uh… my skin. It's uneven." Kurt blushed.
"My stomach's too big. I have like, no abs. My arms are flabby, my skin is pimply and dry and my toes are like fingers."
Kurt hugged his knees to his chest and shrugged.
"Unfortunately, that's what everyone sees in themselves. The minor flaws instead of the overall beauty." He sighed. They sat there in a comfortable silence. After a while, Kurt got up and pulled out his fashion scrapbook from his bookshelf. His footsteps were soft and careful, as though he were a ballerina. He flipped through the pages and looked at his past fashion choices. You could almost tell each month how he felt about each piece. He'd had this scrapbook for about 2 years, cataloguing each month's change in fashion.
"Have you ever thought about the rest of your life? You know, with someone else?" Finn said, causing Kurt to look up. He had thought that Finn was finished asking all these questions. Kurt closed the scrapbook and held it under his arm.
"Okay, Finn, why are you so interested in gay culture?" Kurt said. "I mean, you've never really asked much before."
"I… They're like questions that all guys think about. I want to find something in common with you, so you can talk to someone about things." Finn shrugged. "You're my brother."
Kurt smiled softly. He was very touched that Finn thought that much of him. Especially considering that Kurt had nearly stalked Finn into hiding last year. "That's very sweet of you. Yes, I think about my future. When I'm older after my prime… I think I'd like to have kids. Maybe do a Rachel Berry and have a biological child. Maybe gay adoption with be legal by then. Maybe marriage. My desires are not so different than the average man, Finn."
"What do you mean 'after your prime'?"
"After Broadway of course." Kurt said with an obvious air. He looked down at the magazine and cut some outfits out of it.
"Why don't you be a fashion designer? You're really into that."
"Finn, I need to be realistic. Becoming a famous fashion designer is much more difficult than being a Broadway actor, as silly as that seems." He straightened himself up a little bit. "I don't… I don't want to put my passion on the line."
"You're afraid." You don't want to be called out on your fashion sense. You don't want someone to tell you it's terrible."
"I want to keep it sacred." Kurt muttered, covering his hands in the ends of his sweater. "Something I can come home to and feel good about. It's an intimate relationship."
"It's your passion, though right? There's nothing better but to chase your own passion."
"Finn, you don't understand." Kurt sighed, his eyes closed. "I don't know if you have a passion. A passion is something that creates you, forms you as you are. It's a love that will never leave you. It understand you when no one else does. And you swear that no one understands it as well and as intimately as you do." Kurt said his eyes hazy and his expression soft.
"I know this may seem ignorant, but what's so good about clothes? I- I know that it's a way to express yourself."
Kurt had to repeat to himself that Finn didn't understand, and calmly explained. "There's no way that someone can physically see your personality. Not matter what people tell you, first impressions are the most important. How you appear is just as important as how you act. Putting an outfit together that matches beautifully just brings me so much joy. I feel accomplished. The colors just speak to me. Shapes, textures…" Kurt leaned up against the wall he was standing near.
"I… I don't have a passion." Finn said, deflated. "I mean… I like things like video games, football, basketball, girls…"
"What do you want more than anything else?" Kurt asked. "What's something that can always cheer you up?"
"Uh…" Finn had a completely dazed look on his face.
"Okay. When you're sad, what do you to do to feel better?"
"I write about it." Finn said. Kurt raised his eyebrows. "It was something my Kindergarten teacher told us to do, and I dunno, it just stuck with me. But it's just something I do to take my mind off of things."
"Could I read some of your writing some time?" Kurt asked.
"Uh… sure." Finn blushed. "But… it's kind of like you said, an intimate thing to me. It's probably all really bad…"
"Oh, I didn't mean to impose," Kurt shifted his weight on his feet and pulled his sweater over himself tighter. "I shouldn't have asked."
"It's fine." Finn said. "I still would like you to read it. I mostly write stories, quick little things, you know? Talk about my day."
"For a writer, your vocabulary is surprisingly limited."
"Because I'm not a writer. I just … like to write." Finn said. Kurt's response was cut off my Burt's pounding footfalls.
"You guys having a good time? We just got back."
Finn stood up. "Yeah, Kurt and I were just having a talk about what we want o be when we grow up."
"Yeah… uh, isn't that a singer?" Burt said.
"No dad." Kurt looked away and went to go sit on his bed. He opened his scrapbook and busied himself with it. "I want to be on Broadway."
"He wants to settle down and have kids one day." Finn added, noting the tension.
Burt looked to Kurt.
"I didn't know that…"Burt frowned. "Adoption, right?"
"No. Maybe in vitro fertilization." Kurt still wouldn't look at Burt. "Anyway what did you come down here for?"
"Carole is really tired and is just going to sleep here, if you want to go back to your house Finn…"
"I'm just going to get my schoolwork and a change of clothes,. I"ll stay here."
"Couch?"
"Yeah." Finn made his way to the stairs. "I'll be back soon." He took the keys from Burt. Before he reached the top, he turned around. "I'm going to bring back some of my notebooks so you can read them."
"Alright." Kurt said softly, looking up at Finn and smiling. The door shut behind Finn and then there was a ringing silence between Burt and Kurt.
"What else did you guys talk about?" Burt asked, shifting as Kurt pasted and folded in his scrapbook.
"He asked me if I felt comfortable in my body. He was feeling self conscious about his own and wanted some reassurance. I told him that I have a terrible body image. He asked me what I wanted to be and I told him. He thought that I should be a designer, and I told him about passion. It was really nothing, dad, just a conversation to get to know each other better."
"I… I didn't know all of those things." Burt said.
"You never asked." Kurt said icily. He tried to calm himself, but it really hurt him that his dad had never felt confident enough to ask Kurt about things. "And I never really brought those things up because I didn't want you to be uncomfortable."
"I… I'm sorry Kurt." Burt stepped towards his son. "I don't know how to say thins without offending you."
"Say them first and ask later. Finn said a couple of generalized statements, but I just laughed them off because I understood that he didn't really know anything about gays." Kurt turned to look at Burt, finally. "I understand that it's hard for you too."
"Kurt… are you happy? Be honest."
"Dad, I understand your desire to ask these questions now to feel like making up for lost time, but I need to get dressed before Finn returns." Kurt whispered. Burt opened his mouth and closed it again. He made his way back towards the stairs.
"Alright. And Kurt? I love you."
"I love you too, dad."
Then Kurt was alone. He sat in the middle of his bed surrounded by fashion clippings. Both Kurt and his father were jealous of Finn. Finn could relate to both of them in ways that the other couldn't. Finn could talk to Kurt about things that he liked without the binds of years of mild homophobia in his peripheral, and Finn could relate to Burt because he actually liked sports. It seemed unfair. Kurt didn't know how he would connect to his father if it weren't for Finn. If Finn hadn't asked those questions, would Burt ever come forward and try to ask them himself? Kurt knew the answer. He had to admit to himself that he never asked his own father about his life, so Burt wasn't completely to blame. They didn't know how to connect… and that would be something that Finn could help them with.
Well, that didn't matter now. He was already two minutes behind on his moisturizing routine.
I am terrible with endings. Yes, yes… I know. I know. This is something that I just started of and just went with it, you know? It was just, let's see where this conversation leads them. There's not much movement, not much else besides the dialogue. I mean, Finn to me seems to be the kind of guy who would like to please everybody, and so in turn he's easily relatable. That's y'no… just how I see him. Bah, just a mind dump, hereyago.