Series Title: The Quiescenary Series
I told you not to open this door. I would have begged you, but you wouldn't have listened. You had to save me, or at least, you thought you did. You couldn't just let me die, and let my secrets die with me. I saw the universe flash before my eyes. Not just my life, not just the memories I had of living it. But all the lives of an entire race, an entire species. Millions upon millions screamed all at once as they were consumed. And I heard it. I saw it. I felt it. This is the story - what's hidden behind the doors. What you never should've seen. What I never should've lived. The story of what I've done - who I am. The biography of a monster...
Title: State of Confusion
Summary: "Something in the air. Something coming..." The Tardis is trying to communicate a very important message. But the Doctor and Rose are preoccupied with falling in love, and nobody seems to understand the warning the Doctor's oldest and closest friend is trying to give.
Rating: PG (will increase)
Warnings: Adult situations, potential for (tasteful) sex (10/Rose).
Disclaimer: I don't own Dr. Who.
A/N: This is intended to be the first book in a 7 book series exploring the secrets and memories of the Doctor. Elements strewn throughout "strict canon" (defined by me as Classic and reboot TV series AND Big Finish audiodramas) and "sub-canon" (books) are utilized, though sub-canon will not be strictly adhered to. The author assumes reader knowledge of the 2005 reboot, Series 1-6 (not 7, because I started writing before series 7 and frankly, I don't want to deal with the Skaro/Dalek mess). All references to earlier canon (and there will be many) will be self-explanatory.
Acknowledgments: Special thanks to Sonic for her contributions to this book. I wish you luck in all your future works!
PROLOGUE
(ref: Series 2 "Fear Her")
Wandering down the center of a dark street always had a strange sort of appeal the Doctor never could put his finger precisely on. Maybe just because it was not the appropriate way or time to be walking down the street. He'd never been one for conventionality. Or rules. Once upon a time, age had made him wiser than his younger, rebellious self. But then he'd overcompensated in the opposite direction. It hadn't taken him long to learn that too many rules and regulations made for a very boring existence. But it had taken a few lifespans to find the balance. The important rules were important. But sometimes, it felt good just to break a few of the harmless ones.
Another success. Not that he'd really had too much concern about this one. Just a simple matter of getting one lonely child back home. Another notch in his belt - people he'd been able to help, lives he'd made a difference in. It was a good feeling. An ecstatic feeling, actually. Beaming as he wandered down the street with his hands in his pockets, he drew in the night air - all of the complex, mingling scents of twenty-first century Earth. A fire in someone's fireplace - no, wait, summer. Barbecue? - and sulphur from the fireworks overhead. Roses in a garden and hairspray from the woman who passed him walking in the other direction, hand in hand with a man about her own age.
Every night should feel this perfect.
"Cake?"
Recognizing the voice, he turned with a smile. He didn't have to say a word. He didn't have to explain what had happened, why it was wonderful, how it had felt to save the world - well, maybe not the world, but two lonely, lost children and it had certainly been their world. Rose already knew all of that. She always seemed to know. She laughed at the strangest of times - just like he did. She smiled when he smiled, she put her mind to work when he did. And for a human, her mind was brilliant.
Just now, she was joining in the laughter that seemed to come right up out of his gut, from that part of him that felt, more than anything, that life was worth living. In moments like these, all the pains and sorrows of nine- hundred-some-odd years couldn't pull that smile from his face.
Cake. What a beautiful, glorious thing. He took a bite and savored it, well aware of her smile. She was just as full of joy and life as he was. She was happy. He was happy. All was well with the universe.
"I can't stress this enough. Ball bearings you can eat? Masterpiece!"
She was still smiling when the flicker of worry crossed her eyes. He wasn't alarmed. He'd been expecting it. The same way he was expecting it when her arms circled around his neck, clinging tightly. He returned the embrace, let her feel the relief and move past it.
"I thought I'd lost you."
"Nah, not on a night like this." He withdrew, still smiling. "This is a night for lost things being found."
As quickly as it had come, her relief turned back to a relaxed, happy smile. He had to hand it to her, she knew how to live in the moment. It made her more compatible with the sort of life he led than just about anyone he'd ever met.
"Come on."
Still holding the cupcake in one hand, he slipped his other hand into his pocket as he turned and led a meandering pace down the dark, shadowed road. There was excitement in the air, and it somehow made him feel even more alive. Smiling, he looked up at the sky, at the masterpiece that time had created and that somehow - beyond reason - he was here to protect. Well, maybe that was stretching it a bit. Last of the Time Lords or not, maybe he couldn't protect the universe. But this little corner of it, at least, was his. It was as close as he could come to a second home. This little planet called Earth - tiny and so insignificant, and yet unbelievably beautiful in all its potential and creativity.
"What now?"
"Gonna go to the games! It's what we came for."
Smiling, teasing, she nudged against him a few times. "Go on, give us a clue. Which events do we do well in?"
"Well, I will tell you this. Papua New Guinea surprised everyone in the shot-put."
"Really?"
He always loved hearing that confused awe in her voice.
"You're joking aren't you?"
He loved seeing it on her face, too. The way she was looking at him made him smile even bigger.
"Doctor. Are you serious or are you joking?"
"Wait and see."
She was like a kid who wanted a peek at the Christmas presents a day early. Someday, maybe she would have to learn that knowing how it all turned out was as much a curse as a blessing. Hopefully not. Hopefully, she would never have to learn that lesson. Naivete was a beautiful thing.
Sometimes, he really envied her that ignorant bliss. He wasn't sure he'd ever felt that way. If he had, it had been so long ago that he'd forgotten what it felt like. The mind of a Time Lord was a near infinite thing. A shared history, a shared pain. Humans could read about their history - the history of Earth - in the pages of books. He'd never needed to read about his own history. He'd felt it, known it, from the time of his earliest memories. All of the paths through all of the different universes, a million billion timelines from start to finish... he'd learned to unlock the parts of his mind that stored them all. But when had he ever truly seen any of it for the first time?
She could make it feel like the first time. Everything was all so new to her - every day, every place, every time. Worlds she'd never dreamed of, never imagined. He'd hardly seen the whole of the universe, and there were countless places he still wanted to go and things he wanted to experience. But experiencing it through the eyes of someone who watched it unfold as it happened, who knew nothing about the Web of Time and never had to think about how the events of any one timeline fit with the others, how many millions of possibilities, billions of years in the future, could depend on that one point... Just because he didn't obsess about it, because he'd learned to enjoy every moment, didn't mean that he wasn't aware of it. He was always aware of it.
It must have been truly amazing for her to not be aware of it...
"You know what?" Rose's hand had somehow found its way into his. Funny how that always seemed to happen. "They keep on trying to split us up but they never ever will."
He watched the fireworks up above for a few moments more, then turned to study her. "Never say never ever."
She glanced at him, with no hint of question or uncertainty in her eyes, and smiled confidently as she looked back up to the sky. "Nah, we'll always be okay, you and me."
Always. He tried not to think about that word, tried to ignore it. Centuries of practice helped. But still, it struck that chord, way down deep inside where it still hurt, from time to time, to think of all that he'd lost. All of the things that could go so very wrong between now and "always".
"Don't you reckon, Doctor?"
Staring up at the sky, he let those thoughts fade. Quickly, they were replaced by new thoughts. Thoughts that didn't make sense. No, not thoughts. Just emotions. A flicker of emotion, without a reason to tie it to. A fear. Loss. It was like he could smell it, could see it in the fizzling sparks of the fireworks up above.
"Something in the air," he said quietly, letting that feeling wash over and through him. "Something coming."
"What?"
There was no easy explanation. He didn't try to create one. He didn't know what was ahead of him; he was mercifully blind to his own timeline. But he knew that feeling. He knew the way it coiled around his gut. Impending emotion, powerful and inescapable.
"A storm's approaching."
She let the silence linger for a long moment before she squeezed his hand tighter, and he looked at her concerned eyes. "What sort of storm? What do you mean?"
"Not sure."
Lifting his eyes again, he watched for a long moment, trying to shake the feeling off. But he could feel it settling in his chest. Grief and pain and loss. He'd felt all of this before, and it was happening all over again. He didn't know why, or how, or even when. But he knew this feeling.
He was the one squeezing her hand now.
"Should we go back?" she asked quietly.
"Back?"
"To the Tardis?"
Unable to shake off the feeling, he did the next best thing. He buried it, pushing it deep down into the darkness. It would always live there, but he would always get better and better at pushing it down. Sometimes, he could even convince himself that he didn't feel it.
"Nah, we came to see the games." He said again. "No reason we can't still see them. Come on!"