This takes place before Aizen, Ichimaru and Tousen went to 'Heaven'.
Disclaimer: it's not mine!
The Addiction
On the surface, Byakuya Kuchiki resembles a block of ice more than a human being. His face hardly ever registers any emotion-- it registers nothing at all. And, other than that, he's cold. No one can really get into him. Not that anyone has tried. His pewter eyes seem to stop people from trying to pry secrets out of him. So, people just don't mess with him. But they're wrong if they think he has no feelings, or that nothing can change his impassionate expression. They're very wrong.
"Ukitake taichou!"
The Captain of the Thirteenth Division looked up from his paperwork, up into Kiyone's troubled eyes.
"Yes, Kiyone?"
"The chocolate is gone! I've checked everywhere."
Ukitake blinked, confused. A frown tugged at his usually pleasant expression.
"But my kitchen…it must have some."
"It doesn't! Not even the Main kitchen-- the one all of Seireitei uses-- has it! I even checked Mayuri's," Ukitake made a mental note to avoid Mayuri for a few weeks, in case he was suspected. "Not that he had any. But I checked. Oh, taichou, it looks like you won't be able to have your midmorning chocolate. I'm so sorry!"
Kiyone looked to be on the verge of tears. He could already see them hanging on her long eyelashes. "I'm so sorry!" she wailed again.
Ukitake sighed, and chewed on his lip.
"Well…then…I don't know what to say. It's not your fault, Kiyone. I just wonder what happened to it? I bought three pounds of chocolate yesterday…but where'd it go? Did someone eat it…?" Ukitake was brimming with questions and suspects, but he would save those for later.
"I don't know. It wasn't me captain, honest!" Kiyone said.
"I know you wouldn't do that." Ukitake replied, though she was his prime suspect-- well, besides Kyouraku. "Anyway. I'll find who did it…but who would do such a thing? I mean, I need my chocolate to survive…" he trailed off, brooding.
"I'm sorry!"
"Nah, not your fault." Ukitake repeated. "Kiyone?"
"Yes, taichou?" she looked at him eagerly.
"Could you get Kyouraku over here? I'm sure he's still asleep, being ten a.m. But please do get him. I give you permission to wake him up."
"Yes, sir!"
Kiyone rocketed out of the room like a bullet.
Ukitake sighed, wondering when she'd act like a normal person toward him. Even Kaien wasn't so obsessively devoted. Heck, he was just a normal lieutenant-- but he's dead now, so Ukitake's stuck with Kiyone and Sentarou; both his little servants, the third seats. Ukitake didn't call them servants, it was Mayuri who called them that back when Kiyone was trying to sell something to him. But they did act like servants, that Ukitake had to admit.
He returned to his paperwork. But, he couldn't concentrate. He was so used to be sucking on chocolate at this time everyday, he simply couldn't ignore the dry taste in his mouth. In fact, it aggravated him to the point where he was sucking on his pen like it were life itself.
"Taichou--! …what are you doing?"
Ukitake looked up, and was met with Sentarou's face extremely close to his, a disgusted look twisting his face. It was then Ukitake realized what had been in his mouth for thirty minutes. He quickly spit out his pen, and wiped it on his robes, laughing sheepishly.
"Eheheh…sorry you had to see that. I just don't have my choc--"
"I knew it! See? You can never trust Kiyone! She'll get distracted with the sky! From now on, Taichou, I'll get your chocolate for you so that--" Sentarou didn't get to finish his explosive accusation.
"Sentarou. That's not the problem. The problem is, my chocolate is gone. It's not even in the main kitchen. And, well, I'm starting to have an attack because of not having my midmorning chocolate." Ukitake replied, looking at his pen which was still shiny with spit and saliva. "I'm salivating for it! Geez!"
At that moment, Kiyone ran in, Kyouraku by her side. He didn't look he had been up for much time, seeing his curly hair was messier than ever. He wasn't even wearing the captain robes yet, but his usual gaudy fuchsia haori over some emerald green pajamas.
"Good morning, Juushiro!" he said, stifling a yawn.
Ukitake smiled at him.
"Just woke up?"
"Yeah." he replied, yawning again. "Kiyone mentioned something about your chocolate gone, and how there isn't any anywhere else. So, what did you need me for?"
"Shunsui…have you by any chance…raided my pantry lately?" Ukitake asked very seriously.
Shunsui raised an eyebrow.
"No." he replied slowly.
"That's the truth, right?"
"Mm-hm!"
"Okay. Well. I was wondering if you wanted to help me find my chocolate. Because you know how I get if I don't get my chocolate." Ukitake's tone had changed from serious to dark. It showed in his look too. The way he looked at the pen gave Shunsui shivers. Rabid, almost.
"Of course I'll help!" Shunsui said. He would much rather be sleeping, but he was doing this so that no one would have to face the wrath of Ukitake without his sugar fix. Though he had seen it only once, it was not a pretty sight, pleasant, demure people flipping out and throwing a fit.
"Good." Ukitake said.
Discomfort suddenly filled the air.
"Very well then. Shunsui, please go look around, ask the other captains and stuff. Kiyone, you keep watch in my kitchen. And Sentarou…disinfect that pen." Ukitake pointed to the revoltingly shiny pen, sitting on his desk in a pool of saliva. Sentarou didn't look very pleased. "I'll ask the captains as well. Okay, let's go…"
The group slit up into their assigned places and directions. Shunsui was asking captains one through five, and Ukitake was asking six through eleven. Meaning, his first stop was Kenpachi. He didn't look forward to that…
As he walked into Kenpachi's office, he saw that Kenpachi was either ignoring his paperwork or actually done with it. He had his chin in hand was looking up at the ceiling. His expression was very much like Byakuya's at the moment, but with Kenpachi, his face always reveals some partial insanity or blood lust. Yachiru had entertained herself with playing I Spy from the window.
"Good morning, Zaraki…" Ukitake began.
"Hey. What's up?"
"You know how I always need my morning chocolate fix?"
Kenpachi nodded.
"Well…all the chocolate has disappeared! It's gone!"
Kenpachi snorted. "The hell are you talking about? I have some right here in my desk. Want some?"
"Oh! Really? Yes, please!" Ukitake said eagerly, getting closer to Kenpachi's desk. He didn't get too close, in fear of Kenpachi's volatile temperament. Kenpachi pulled open a drawer jerkily. He stared at its contents for nearly ten seconds. He closed it calmly, and looked at Yachiru.
"Yachiru," he said, poison dripping off his words. "Where is my fucking chocolate?"
"Ken-chan, I hate chocolate. Why would I want it?" she replied. "Want me to ask Gay-Gay and Baldy if they have it?"
"Ask the whole damned division. Ukitake!"
Ukitake had a look of pure chagrin on his face. Who took all the chocolate and why? WHY?
"Yes?"
"I'm joining you. Someone's been in my desk, and I don't like bastards that do that. We're asking freaking Hitsugaya next, right?"
"Yes."
"Let's get the hell outta here. Yachiru, do the paperwork after you give the whole division the third degree."
" 'Kay!"
Kenpachi got out of his chair, and lumbered past Ukitake, who quickly followed. They didn't talk on the way to Hitsugaya's office. Well, Kenpachi did. But that was because he stepped on a nail, and what he said was a stream of words that Ukitake was horrified to hear.
Instead of going in nicely and politely like Ukitake had planned on doing, Kenpachi banged into the place.
"BOY!" he spat, leaning over Hitsugaya's desk. "I know you know where it is."
Hitsugaya frowned, narrowed his eyes, and put his pen down.
"You are to call me Hitsugaya taichou. Know where what is? And don't go accusing me, Zaraki."
"The chocolate, dumb butt. You jacked my chocolate. Hand it over before I beat you."
"I don't eat chocolate, and Matsumoto--"
"When you have beer and sake, who needs chocolate? Besides, chocolate is too fattening for me." Matsumoto poked her head out a room attached to the office, grinning.
"Back to the paperwork." Hitsugaya told her, firmly. "There you go, Kenpachi. My division knows better than to mess with you, knowing the punishment they'll receive from me. No chocolate anywhere. And, since when were you so desperate for it?"
"I was gonna give it to Ukitake, but it was gone. So I'm pissed that some faggot raided my desk." Ukitake winced. "Anywho, thanks, boy."
"It's Hitsugaya taichou to-- aww, forget it."
"Thanks, Shiro-kun!" Ukitake said pleasantly.
" 'Welcome."
Ukitake caught up to Kenpachi who was walking abnormally fast.
"We're skipping the Ninth Division. Freaking Tetsuzaemon has his gay stomach issues, and Komamura is a fox…a fox,dammit."
"Oh. Right." Ukitake murmured. His energy was escaping him, and he felt anger beginning to boil in him. "And we already checked the Eight Division."
"Yeah. In that case, let's go harass damned Tousen. And Hisagi."
"Why Hisagi?" Ukitake asked. He was getting tired of listening to cuss words.
"He's a bas-- oh wait he's too athletic and respectful to his body to go and eat sweets. So he won't have anything but fruits and Gatorade. Then Tousen. Let's see what his deal is."
They walked into the Seventh Division. It was very clean, orderly and quiet. They could already see Tousen and Hisagi in the office. Tousen appeared to be filing something, and Hisagi was talking to him. He caught sight of Kenpachi and Ukitake approaching, and started to tell Tousen.
"They're gossiping about us, those retards." murmured Kenpachi, right before he threw the door open and barged in. Hisagi noticeably hated Kenpachi, he was shaking his head and grimacing. But when he saw Ukitake he gave a terse nod. Ukitake waited at the doorway until Kenpachi finished threatening him and demanding where he was hiding the chocolate. Tousen, after much harassment, managed to get Kenpachi off his case. Kenpachi stormed off, and Ukitake apologized for the retardation.
"Good luck finding your chocolate. I know how much you need it." Tousen said.
"Thanks. See ya."
Once again, Kenpachi was taking huge, fast strides over to Kuchiki taichou's office. Ukitake was near madness at the moment,
"Um, Kenpachi, shouldn't we knock? We shouldn't barge in like that, Byakuya wouldn't like it--"
"Does it matter--"
"Listen, you." Ukitake grabbed the back of Kenpachi's uniform and jerked.
" 'Tha fuck do you want now?"
"We're doing whatever the hack I say. And I say to walk in like a sane person. So we're doing that. OR ELSE."
Ukitake, who had been smiling just twenty minutes ago, had undergone a change like no other. He really did look insane. His frown was maniacal and deep, and his eye kept twitching. He looked like a rabid dog now, as he was practically snarling. Kenpachi scoffed, and rolled his eyes.
"Whatever. But see, unlike you, I don't care what prissy boy thinks of me--"
"Do you want to die?"
Kenpachi's eyebrows shot up, and a smirk pulled at his mouth.
"Are you threatening me, Juushiro?"
"What do you think?"
"If that's your threat, then you must really suck." Kenpachi replied, prying his robes out from Ukitake's tight grip. He started mall walking again, leaving Ukitake there. Ukitake had no choice but to follow. He did, but he stomped all the way to Byakuya's office.
Kenpachi didn't have to kick the door open, it was opened just as he reeled his leg back. Renji stood in the doorway, looking at Kenpachi expectantly. His gaze flew over to Ukitake, who was now shaking…with what was either anger or true lack of sugar.
"Uhh…what's up?" Renji greeted.
"Where's your freaking captain?"
"The 'freaking captain' is right here." a cold, hard voice said from behind.
Everyone whirled around, seeing Byakuya behind Kenpachi. He did not look happy at all. But he was chewing something-- No, he was shoveling something into his mouth like a demonic maniac. And you know what? For such a rich, proper guy like him, saying that is a lot. And he didn't even seem to care that everyone was giving him funny looks.
"What are you eating?" demanded Renji, curious. He had never seen his own captain cheat on a meal, and he was for sure that Byakuya wasn't much of the sweets type. In personality, too..
Byakuya stopped chewing and surveyed the group. Ukitake was rocking back and forth, Kenpachi's disgusted stare, and Renji's curious gaze. He blinked quickly, and averted his gaze.
"It's…it's tobacco…"
"You're not a druggy…it can't be tobacco." Renji said.
"It is." Byakuya spit something out on the ground. It was brown, and very much resembled tobacco. "See?"
"Oh, okay. Then I suspect you haven't seen any chocolate." Kenpachi said, the only one unfazed by Byakuya's…secret little addiction. Renji looked like he would just about throw up on him, and Ukitake…was staring at the lump, pensive.
"No." Byakuya replied, giving Ukitake an odd look.
"That's not tobacco." he said quietly. "It's…chocolate…"
Everyone's heads snapped to Byakuya.
"No, it can't be. Byakuya already-- wait a minute. WAIT WAIT WAIT." Renji said, putting a finger to his lip in thought. "He doesn't do drugs…"
"And tobacco is not such a deliciously rich brown color." Kenpachi added, leaning closer to the…lumpy puddle of brown on the ground.
"So that means…" Renji began, scowling. "Well, what does it mean?"
"My God, Renji, you are such a damn dumb ass--" Kenpachi never got to finish his diatribe.
"It means that the person who jacked my chocolate…is Byakuya Kuchiki." Ukitake said. He gave Byakuya such a murderous, insanely rabid that look Renji looked away.
"And mine," added Kenpachi
Byakuya frowned.
"Who said I stole your chocolate?"
"It's obvious!"
"No, it isn't." replied Byakuya.
Ukitake came really close to Byakuya. Dangerously close, at this level of anger. He grabbed Byakuya's robes and jerked him. Byakuya didn't seem the least bit intimidated, but he look somewhat ticked off.
"Listen, Byakuya. You have the chocolate."
"I don't…"
"You do. I'm gonna go--"
Kenpachi pushed Ukitake out of the way.
"Where's the fucking chocolate?!" screamed Kenpachi, grabbing Byakuya's scarf. Byakuya calmly brushed Kenpachi's hand off his scarf.
"Tch. Since it's such a big deal, I'll go buy some for you--"
"WHERE IS THE REST OF THAT BROWN SHIT?!"
"Ah, fine! The rest is in my desk drawer, top left." Byakuya said with a wave of his hand.
"UKITAKE! What's wrong with him?" screamed Renji, pointing at Ukitake, who was now convulsing on the ground.
Kenpachi pushed Renji aside and ran into Byakuya's office. He ripped the top left drawer out, and dumped all it's contents. Wrappers flew everywhere, and bars fell with clunks on the ground. Kenpachi noticed Shunsui had arrived, and was gathering the chocolate, taking it out to Ukitake. With swift movements, Kenpachi had the remaining chocolate in his arms. He walked out of the office, and saw that Ukitake was back to his happy self, sitting on the floor, sucking on the chocolate with a wide grin on his face smiling. Shunsui was muttering things like "You looked possessed…it was scarier than last time!"
Out of the pile Kenpachi had, he found his own bar and dumped the rest on Ukitake.
"Your three pounds are gone, sorry. I assume Byaku-bitch ate it." Kenpachi said, grimacing.
"That would be Kuchiki Taichou to you." Byakuya corrected.
"GET HIM!"
Byakuya shunpo'ed himself the hell outta there, before Kenpachi had a chance to beat him senseless, and most likely kill him.
Ukitake didn't make a big fuss of things, he just made Byakuya buy the three pounds for him. Kenpachi decided that he wouldn't have to beat Byakuya because he thought that anybody who had to steal chocolate from others had no fear and what he called 'real dignity'.
Byakuya did indeed steal the chocolate. Why? Nobody knows. Nor will they ever know, as behind those pewter eyes they'll never see.
This was just some random crackfic-- part of it happened in my dream a few nights ago. Well, thanks for reading!