Some kind of fish ate the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. This just popped into my tiny head after reading a news article. It just fit perfectly with the madness this gang probably had while Archer was in the coma. And I needed something to do when there was nothing good on TV so…
Don't Be Koi
"All right Figgis Agency," Cyril sighed as he met the majority of the gang in the bullpen. "Once again we are having our weekly meeting of how to get some money into this damn place. Especially since Ms. Archer isn't here to take money from us. Is she at the hospital again?"
"She is," Lana said. "At least she said she was. She could be at this new bar down the street but…"
"Is it me or has she been really moody lately?" Cheryl asked. "She barely comes into work. She's always distracted. She's drinking way more than usual…"
"Her son is in a coma," Ray explained.
"Still?" Cheryl blinked.
"As always," Cyril sighed. "The floor is open to new ideas how to keep us in business and off the street. Any ideas at this point."
"He's still in the coma?" Cheryl asked.
"Yes," Cyril said. "Any ideas at all. Come on, let me have it."
"Phrasing boom!" Pam whooped.
"Pam!" Lana groaned.
"Seriously though," Cheryl asked. "How long is he going to drag this out?"
"I do have a serious proposal," Pam said. "As you know I have my commercial driver's license. And I've done a few moving jobs on the side…"
"So what?" Ray asked. "We rent you out to move stuff?"
"Well transporting goods is technically a business," Pam said. "We could be hired to move valuables!"
"Say the word and I'll build at tank!" Krieger said.
"We are not going to need a tank," Cyril said.
"Lame," Krieger said.
"What's lame is Archer hogging the spotlight with this whole coma thing," Cheryl added.
"Some might argue you've been hogging more than your share Miss Piggy," Ray looked at her.
"Still…" Cheryl shrugged.
"That is a possibility, Pam," Cyril sighed. "I mean it's a service we can offer. I'll put it on the website. Any other ideas?"
"Look I get things going in a new and different direction," Cheryl spoke up. "I'm all for that. But come on! This whole coma thing…"
"IS NOT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!" Cyril snapped. "Just drop the coma thing okay?"
"Fine!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"I mean it," Cyril said. "I don't want to hear any more of that."
"I won't say a word about it," Cheryl said. "I'll be quiet!"
"That'll be a first," Ray grumbled.
"Moving on…" Cyril sighed.
"Whatever happened to Veronica Deane?" Cheryl spoke up. "And Alan Shapiro? Are they dead? Are they on the lam? Are they living in Mexico throwing coconuts at each other? What?"
"CHERYL!" Cyril snapped.
"Just give me a clue here!" Cheryl snapped. "That's all I'm asking!"
"I'm asking you to shut it Chatty Cathy!" Cyril snapped. "Now, anyone else have an idea on how to make money around here?"
"Well…" Krieger began.
"Anyone," Cyril interrupted. "Anyone? Lana? Ray? Cheryl?"
"Oh, now you want me to talk," Cheryl folded her arms.
"Ooh! Ooh! Oooh!" Krieger held up his hand.
"Fine," Cyril sighed in resignation. "The floor is yours Algernop Horseshack."
"I can't wait to hear this one," Ray groaned.
"Thank you," Krieger grinned. "I have discovered the newest way to raise capital around here! Koi breeding!"
"What?" Lana blinked. "As in the fish?"
"Yes," Krieger nodded. "Koi are a variety of carp known for their beautiful markings. Which many people prize. Some Koi can sell up to over a million dollars. It's a huge business!"
"Oh God," Ray realized. "I know where this is going."
Three and a half minutes later…
"Voila!" Krieger showed them several vats of fish in his laboratory space.
"I knew it," Ray sighed.
"You started your own Koi breeding business," Cyril sighed. "How much did you spend on this?"
"Not as much as you think," Krieger said. "I already had the vats and some genetic material lying around. If you think about it this is a great business!"
Cyril sighed. "Let me guess, you call it Krieger Koi?"
"No," Krieger said. "But I can understand why you would think that. Which means my focus group was right. I am getting a little too predictable."
"Focus group?" Lana asked. "What focus group?"
"Uh…" Krieger paused.
FLASHBACK!
"Okay so all in favor of Krieger Koi…" Krieger spoke to his focus group in his laboratory.
The focus group consisted of Milton, Schnuckiputzi, Mitsuko, Piggly, Cyberneddly Teddly, a rat with robotic legs, two frogs and the mail robot.
"You know you just can't put Krieger in front of everything right?" Mitsuko asked. "Too predictable."
"Squeal!" Piggly agreed.
"Squeak!" The rat said.
Milton popped out some toast. Schnuckiputzi started licking herself.
"I am not that predictable!" Krieger snapped.
"You kind of are," Mitsuko said.
Milton popped out some more toast. "What he said," Mitsuko pointed.
"What about you guys?" Krieger looked at the frogs. One of them hopped away. "Well that's helpful! Not!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Not important," Krieger shrugged. "I call my business Being Koi. Get it?"
"Yes," Cyril sighed. "I'm afraid we will. From the authorities!"
"What authorities?" Pam asked. "The Koi Cops? Carp Squad?"
"Fish Police?" Cheryl giggled. "That didn't even last a season."
"I'm sure there's some kind of wildlife thing that monitors crap like this," Cyril said. "Krieger, you can't breed and sell fish!"
"Especially fish that glow in the dark," Ray noticed. "These fish are glowing. Oh God are they radioactive?"
"Is this going to be like Piggly?" Lana snapped.
"No!" Krieger snapped. "Luminescent. Not radioactive!"
"Well whatever you call it," Cyril said. "You can't breed and sell glowing Koi fish!"
"I can, and I have!" Krieger grinned. "I just sent my first delivery of seven fish to a very prominent rap artist in LA. I forget his name. He changes it every other week. I think it begins with a C? Or a D? Or is a P?"
"What?" Lana gasped.
"Krieger had me transport the fish yesterday," Pam said. "I tell ya, that place was dope! Off the chain! Really swanky! This dude had a solid gold fountain in the middle of his Koi pond! It was dope!"
"Do people still say dope?" Ray asked. "I was not aware of that."
"Krieger you have to stop selling these fish," Cyril said. "As the head of the Figgis Agency I order you to stop this latest scheme. There is no way in hell the Figgis Agency is going to get involved in your mutant fish scam!"
"Here's a cut of my first profits," Krieger handed him a wad of cash. "Twenty-five grand."
Cyril didn't miss a beat. "Keep making those glo-fish Krieger! The Figgis Agency is now in the Koi business!"
"Who saw that coming?" Ray remarked "Phrasing…"
"There's no business like glow business," Pam quipped.
"Well at least it's not cocaine," Lana sighed.
"Really?" Cheryl blinked. "You're not going to bitch how this is bad for the environment and blah, blah, blah, monster hands, bitch?"
"Considering all the other mutants Krieger has already released into the environment," Lana pointed out. "It's kind of a moot point. Besides these things aren't going to be eaten or set loose in the ocean. They're just going to be put in fancy pools or mini ponds on people's property. If people want to own fish that glow in the dark, who am I to judge?"
"If you think about it," Ray said. "We're not really hurting anybody."
"Other than the fish," Pam added.
"They're going to be treated like pets!" Krieger said. "Koi are very popular, very docile fish. Which are sold and judged based on their color."
"So our market is racists?" Cheryl blinked.
"More like rich bitches who have more money than they know what to do with," Pam said. "Hey Cheryl you want to buy a Koi fish?"
"YEAH!" Cheryl said. "I love a new scheme!"
Lana shrugged. "I'm in."
"Why the hell not?" Ray sighed. "Might as well enjoy the ride before it crashes into the mountain and blows up in our faces."
"That's the spirit!" Krieger grinned. "Speaking of which I need to add a little more vodka to the vats."
"You're giving the fish alcohol?" Lana was stunned.
"Just enough to make them happy," Krieger said. "These particular fish thrive on alcohol. Vodka seems to work best."
"In any other office that would just be weird," Ray admitted. "But in this one…"
"Oh, one more thing," Krieger said. "Whatever you do, don't give them absinthe! Whoo! They go crazy on that!"
"Like Ms. Archer?" Cheryl asked.
"Yes," Krieger said. "Only without weapons."
"Again, any other office…" Ray rolled his eyes.
"I need to update my resume again," Lana sighed. "Because it looks like I may need to work in another office soon."
Later that week…
"Well another day, another delivery!" Pam grinned as she drove a truck saying BEING KOI on the side. She was wearing a green jumpsuit with a green and black hat on it saying BEING KOI FARMS.
"And all the way to Beverly Hills," Ray said. He was wearing a similar outfit. "Whoo! There are some real nice houses here."
"Yeah, great," Lana sighed. She was wearing the same outfit. As well as a short brown wig under her hat and a pair of sunglasses.
"I gotta ask," Ray said. "Why are you wearing that getup?"
"I just don't want people to recognize me," Lana admitted. "My kid probably goes to school with some of these people's kids."
"Fat chance," Pam scoffed. "We're making a delivery of seven fish to Lucky 7's mansion. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have kids. Well any that he knows about anyway."
"Lucky 7," Ray realized. "Isn't he that singer that makes Conner 4 Real look like Frank Sinatra?"
"Pretty much yeah," Pam shrugged. "Looks almost the same too. But you know that's what the kids are into this week."
"I should be a singer," Lana looked around the houses. "I mean if kids who need autotune to sound halfway decent can make millions why can't I?"
"You would be a good singer," Pam admitted. "I remember Karaoke Nights back when we were a spy agency. You were good at it."
"Thanks," Lana said. "It would be a lot better way to make money than selling mutant fish."
"I thought you were all for this?" Pam asked.
"I'm all for making money and not having to move in with my parents," Lana said. "There's a difference. I just have a bad feeling that this is going to end up like Krieger's other crazy schemes. Remember the exploding mice?"
"Yeah but he wasn't selling those," Ray pointed out.
"Then why was he making them?" Pam asked. "On second thought I don't want to know…"
"Remember when Krieger heard about Goat Yoga?" Ray said. "Then he decided to put his own spin on it."
FLASHBACK!
"What?" Krieger asked. He was in bright green leotards with a sweatband on his head. He was holding a sign saying PIG YOGA. Piggly was standing next to him glowing with a sweat band on its head.
FLASHFORWARD!
"At least Ms. Archer was able to put her foot down and stop that one before anything happened," Pam said. "Unlike the human hair disaster."
FLASHBACK!
"Look," Krieger spoke in his lab. "Human hair is a big market. And my hair growth serum will ensure that you will have plenty of it."
On his table were mops of hair in shades of red, black and blonde. "Meowwwww!" The red blob wailed.
"Oh, come on Schnuckiputzi!" Krieger said as he held an electric razor. "Your hair color is in the most demand! You should be flattered! Just hold still while I shave your butt."
FLASHFORWARD!
"What Krieger didn't count on was how many people are allergic to cat hair," Ray groaned. "How much money did Ms. Archer end up paying for that?"
"Who remembers?" Pam shrugged.
"I remember the rainbow chickens!" Lana added. "The ones he sold to Silicon Valley? I have a feeling this is going to end up like that!"
"Oh God I forgot about the damn chickens!" Ray realized. "And the poisonous sea snakes!"
"Oh God I forgot about the poisonous sea snakes!" Lana realized. "And the laser snakes!"
"I forgot about the laser snakes," Pam realized. "And the miniature tigers!"
"Milton," Ray realized.
"Mitsuko," Lana realized. "Those giant Komodo dragons!"
"The killer plants and llamas," Ray groaned. "Man, we fall for Krieger's crazy ideas a lot, don't we?"
"It is getting predictable by now," Pam admitted.
"So is the part where this all ends up in a mess," Lana sighed. "Here's the house."
They stopped before a giant mansion. "That's a nice house," Ray whistled.
"Fancy," Pam said.
"I really need to get into another line of work," Lana sighed with envy.
"Don't we all?" Ray quipped.
The following day…
"All right," Cyril said as the gang met in the conference room. "Let's start this meeting of the Figgis Agency with some business. As Krieger will show us, we actually had some for a change. Krieger. Take the floor."
"Take it where?" Krieger blinked.
"Not literally!" Cyril snapped.
"Oh figuratively, right. As you can see our Koi business has done very well this first week," Krieger showed the graphs. "We've made fifteen sales…"
"Sixteen!" Cheryl spoke up. "I bought like ten more and sent them to Cecil for his birthday!"
"She had me put it on the charge," Cyril spoke up. "So that's an additional five hundred grand."
"Lucky I got the employee discount," Cheryl nodded.
"Meaning Cyril counted on how little about money this particular employee knows," Ray whispered to Lana.
"That brings our total amount of fish sold to 57," Krieger grinned. "And before I forget, here are all your cuts of the profits."
Krieger handed everyone a large envelope. Except for Cheryl. She was given a box. "Why did you get a box?" Pam asked.
"I asked to get paid in glue and stickers," Cheryl said as she opened hers. "I have plenty of money!"
She opened her box. "Jackpot! Look at all that glue! Stickers! Ooh! Is that a squishy thing?"
Cyril moved to Krieger and whispered. "I'm guessing you didn't exactly give Cheryl the full amount of her share? Am I right?"
"You'd be amazed at how much you can get at a dollar store," Krieger whispered to Cyril. Cheryl was happily starting to stick smiley face stickers on herself.
"Hooray for food, clothing and shelter," Ray quipped. He then looked inside his envelope. "Some very nice food, clothing and shelter."
"I'm using some of this money to pay for AJ's tuition," Lana said as she looked at the cash. "That way Mallory won't be able to bitch about always paying for County Day."
"That reminds me," Ray realized. "What are we going to tell Ms. Archer?"
"We're not," Cyril said. "If she asks, tell her we did some jobs looking for lost cats or something."
"You think she'll actually buy that?" Lana asked.
"Are you kidding? That crazy old bat is so deep in the hooch and pills she doesn't know what's going on half the time!" Cheryl laughed. "She's such a drug addled drunk!"
Cheryl smelled the toy. "Ooh! Smell the plastic toxicity! I'm already getting a buzz off this thing!"
"Riiiight," Cyril said dryly. "So as you can see, profits are good."
"And they're only going to get better," Krieger said. "Once we expand into the international market!"
"Oh no…" Lana groaned. "What now?"
"The Japanese Koi market is really booming now," Krieger explained.
"So we're going to try and smuggle these fish into Japan?" Cyril asked.
"Don't be ridiculous," Krieger waved. "Japan has very strict regulations on Koi fish. The real market is in Canada. We're just going to slap some Made in Japan labels on the barrels. Sneak over the border, easy peasy!"
"You can't just sneak in fake Koi fish over the border of Canada!" Lana snapped.
"Well not with that attitude," Krieger sniffed. "And these aren't fake Koi. They're real Koi that are slightly genetically modified. Better to resist disease!"
"And they glow in the dark," Cyril sighed.
"It's the latest thing!" Krieger said.
"It's a radiation thing," Ray groaned.
"Luminescence!" Krieger protested. "Not radiation! Besides I have a buyer!"
"Who?" Cyril asked.
"It's not one of your clones is it?" Ray asked.
"No! It's not one of my clones!" Krieger snapped. "None of my clones even live in Canada. That I know of. Although I haven't been able to track down Alard, Allister or Albany so I guess it's a possibility at least one if them is in Canada by now. And it's been ages since I've heard from Alva. And he left when we were still a spy agency in New York. Technically it is possible at least one of…"
"Krieger!" Cyril interrupted. "I don't want to know about your clones. I do want to know who our client in Canada is!"
"Oh, it's just some friends of mine," Krieger waved. "Don't worry about it."
"You have friends outside of us?" Cheryl blinked.
"Who?" Lana asked.
"Uhhh…." Krieger paused.
FLASH TO CANADA!
"This crazy plan better work, Virjay," Dr. Quinn told his friend. They were standing in a warehouse full of vats. "Don't make me regret sneaking your illegal ass out of the US."
"It's the latest thing," Dr. Virjay told Dr. Quinn. "Krieger himself told me he's making a fortune off of his fish."
"Oh, that inspires confidence," Dr. Quinn groaned. "This isn't going to end up like those crazy robot chickens is it?"
"No! I promise!" Dr. Virjay told him. "It will be fine."
"I've heard that before," Dr. Quinn groaned.
"I am not the one who screwed up last time," Dr. Virjay reminded him. "Remember? You had the bright idea of growing pot plants and selling weed out of Sea Lab?"
"First of all," Dr. Quinn said. "Technically that was Sparks' idea. And was working great. Until Captain Murphy found our stash and ate all of it. And drank that bottle of absinthe."
"Little wonder that man went crazy," Dr. Virjay remarked.
FLASH BACK TO LA!
"Don't worry about it," Krieger said. "This afternoon Pam, Ray and I are flying to Canada in private plane I rented."
"Are we still banned from Canada?" Ray asked. "Because if we aren't, we have so got to go to Montreal!"
"No time for fun Ray," Krieger said. "There's profit to be made!"
"How are you going to get past customs?" Lana asked.
"Lana we're not exactly going to stop at the airport," Krieger snorted.
"It's best if you guys don't know the details," Ray said.
"I will not ask," Cyril said.
"HE! HE! HE!" Cheryl giggled as she sniffed the toy while covered in stickers. She then fell off her chair. "HE! HE! HE!"
"It's a miracle Cheryl even knows her name sometimes," Pam remarked.
The following afternoon at the Figgis Agency…
"We flew in onto the private airstrip," Ray explained what happened to Lana and Cyril in the bullpen. "Unloaded the Koi. Got paid. Flew out. Easy peasy."
"Lemon squeezy," Pam and Krieger said at the same time. They were there as well.
"Jinx!" Krieger said. "You owe me a Coke!"
"The drink or actual coke?" Pam asked.
"Pick one," Krieger shrugged.
"I can't believe you got in and out without being detected," Lana was surprised.
"It was a small plane and I did put in some anti-radar equipment," Krieger waved. "And it was out in the wilderness so…"
"So you will never believe what happened!" Cheryl walked in laughing.
"Well we are rather gullible," Ray remarked.
"I've noticed," Cheryl said. "Anyway, my stupid brother and stupid Tiffy are mad because they said that those fish I gave them went crazy!"
"And here it comes," Lana groaned. "What happened?"
"Apparently Tiffy got too close to the Koi pond and they started jumping up and down out of the water," Cheryl said. "And one of the fishes bit her arm and wouldn't let go! She's going to need stitches!"
"What?" Cyril shouted.
"HA! HA!" Cheryl laughed. "Tiffy won't eat fish but a fish tried to eat her! That's hilarious!"
"Hang on," Krieger said. "Did your brother or Tiffy do something? Put something in the water…?"
"No, they were just looking at them," Cheryl nodded. "Wait, Cecil did say that Tiffy wore a shiny new bracelet and the fish looked interested in that."
"Some fish do like shiny objects," Krieger paused. "I should put a warning on that in the brochure."
Pam's phone rang. "Uh Krieger…" Pam looked at it. "I just got a text from one of our clients. Apparently, the Koi fish we delivered ate one of Milan Carlton's chihuahuas."
"Isn't that the celebrity who dresses up her dogs with actual diamond studded gold collars?" Ray realized something.
"Yup," Lana winced.
"Okay definitely need to put a warning about that in the brochure," Krieger amended.
"KRIEGER!" Cyril shouted.
"This is fixable!" Krieger said. "It's just a couple of mild random incidents. We can PR our way out of it."
"How did a fish manage to eat a dog?" Cheryl asked.
"It jumped into the Koi pond," Pam said. "And those fish were on it like my relatives at an all you can eat buffet."
"So much for the fish being docile," Lana groaned.
"Okay obviously shiny objects have some kind of hypnotic affect on the fish," Krieger said. "Did Milan feed the fish before this happened?"
Pam texted. "She says no she forgot. She asks if dropping some champagne into the Koi pond would do anything."
"There you go!" Krieger said. "Text her back and saying that everybody knows that Koi fish can't handle champagne and they need to be fed regularly. She'll buy it."
"It's not true is it?" Cheryl asked.
"Doesn't matter," Krieger waved. "She'll buy it. We'll just put out a statement that shiny objects are not recommended around the fish because they might agitate them. And definitely no alcohol! There problem solved!"
"Just got another message from another client," Pam noticed. "This time the fish ate a duck."
"Problem not solved," Ray looked at him.
"Fish and ducks are natural enemies," Krieger said. "Everybody knows that!"
"Isn't that usually because the ducks eat the fish?" Lana asked.
"And now the fish are fed up and getting revenge," Krieger said.
"I'm more concerned about how our clients are going to get revenge on us!" Cyril snapped.
"Just got another text," Pam said. "Client Number 8 says that the fish he ordered ate his neighbor's cat. Wants another order to send to his mother in law."
"Okay that guy is definitely not going to sue us," Krieger said. "Good to know!"
"And here comes the giant mountain…" Ray sighed. "Cue the huge explosion that burns our asses."
"I knew I should have said something," Lana groaned. "I knew this was a bad idea! But I went along with it! I knew I should have said something against it!"
"It wasn't going to matter anyway," Pam patted her on the shoulder.
"It really wasn't," Cheryl agreed.
"Guys…" Pam noticed her phone. "Something else about the fish is trending. Turn on the TV! Entertainment Now channel!"
"Oh, this never ends well," Cyril groaned as he did so.
A blonde woman in a tight-fitting dress was shown. "This is Tammy Bink with Entertainment News Now. Tragedy today hit the set of Lucky 7's new video, I'm Coming For You, Baby." She reported.
"On my…" Pam began.
"PAM!" Everyone else shouted.
"Party poopers," Pam grumbled.
A scene of a tall teen boy with a lot of tattoos and gold jewelry wading shirtless into a pool at night was shown. "In this exclusive video, Lucky 7, whose real name was Lyle Markiewicz Junior…Was having a night shoot at one of his mansions in LA. Here he is with his manager and director, Alva K. Klone. Of Klone Music."
"Hey! There's Alva!" Krieger pointed at the sight of his clone directing the video. "He always did want to get into the music industry badly."
"Oh, oh, oh baby…" Lucky 7 warbled off key. "I'm coming for you! On my…on my…Uh ohh…"
"I guess that counts as badly," Ray winced. "Guess this was shot before they put in the autotune."
"Don't worry about it sounding off," Alva directed. "We'll fix it in studio with autotune. Now just walk into the pond. The shot with the glowing fish and the light off of all your gold chains should be great. Hang on, wait a minute. We need more gold chains! And some more bling on his arm!"
"Are those fish radioactive dude?" Lucky 7 asked as wardrobe gave him more jewelry.
"Luminescent," Alva waved.
"What does that mean?" Lucky 7 asked.
"It glows but you won't," Alva said. "Okay wade into the pool and take it from the top! Action!"
"I'm coming for you baby…Oh, oh…" Lucky 7 sang badly as he did so. "OHH! DAMN! These things are biting me! OWWW! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!"
"Well that wasn't predictable," Ray's eyes widened in horror as the fish leapt on Lucky 7 and started to eat him alive.
"What do you do Krieger?" Cyril snapped. "Cross breed those fish with piranha?"
"No!" Krieger snapped. "And FYI, the whole piranha eating people thing is totally blown out of proportion. Piranhas prefer to eat other fish. Not people!"
"The crew tried to save Lucky 7 by dragging him out of the pond and bringing what was left of him to a hospital," Tammy spoke. "Where he was pronounced dead. The Department of Fish and Wildlife are investigating this freak fish attack."
"Oh, dear God!" Cyril screamed.
"Still think we can PR our way out of this Krieger?" Lana snapped. "Krieger what are you doing?"
"Taking down the website," Krieger said as he worked at a computer. "And eliminating any digital trails!"
"Good plan!" Cyril snapped. "What about the physical trails? Like the paperwork and all those people who saw us deliver the fish?"
"Almost all the sales were online…" Krieger said. "As for the rest…"
"Guys…" Ray pointed to the TV.
"Chaos erupted at the Canadian Air Defense force when it appears that the entire defense system was hacked," A male reporter was on screen. "The Canadian Defense department is unsure of who was responsible. Or how it was done. However, there are rumors of a pink haired cartoon character running amok singing 'Blame Canada'."
"You didn't…" Lana looked at Krieger.
"He did," Pam groaned.
"Oh," Krieger coughed. "Yeah there's that too."
"Three groups have already claimed responsibility including the Nova Scotian Liberation Front," The reporter spoke.
"Oh, I forgot about those guys," Cheryl remarked.
"Me too," Pam said.
"I wish I could forget about this," Lana groaned. "But I can't…"
"So…" Cyril blinked. "Not only did we illegally smuggle genetically modified fish that murder people into another country, and allowed those same fish to eat a pop star…We compromised the entire national security of Canada."
"Looks like it to me," Ray blinked.
"Oh God!" Cyril shouted.
"Cyril stop panicking!" Lana barked. "Pam you get the addresses of everyone we sold the Koi to."
"I'm right here," Cheryl spoke up. "Do you need my address?"
"I need a better life," Lana groaned.
The following evening…
"Okay," Lana met up with the Figgis Agency gang in the bullpen. "How did operation Erase Our Latest Disaster go?"
"Some good news," Krieger said. "Five of our clients never even saw us or the fish. They bought the fish online while they were wintering at some fancy island resort for rich people. We kind of broke in and made it look like the fish died of natural causes. Thanks to a lovely little clause we don't have to give the money back."
"And remember that one guy whose fish ate his cat's neighbor?" Pam asked. "He gave back the fish but said we could keep the money. His neighbor is moving. Said it was worth it."
"It was also worth all the money I spent to hear that a fish almost ate Tiffy!" Cheryl grinned. "Serves her right for being a vegetarian!"
"What about all the other clients?" Lana snapped.
"Some of them we had to give the money back," Cyril groaned. "Not as many as you would think but still…That's a cut into our profits."
"I'm not giving my money back!" Pam snapped. "Mostly because I spent some of it."
"I took it out of the funds for the Figgis Agency," Cyril snapped. "So much for keeping us in the black! Now we're in the red again!"
"Red with blood," Cheryl giggled.
"Which reminds me…" Lana said. "What are we going to do about Lucky 7's death?"
"Relax," Krieger said. "I took care of it. Got in contact with Alva. He agreed to hush everything up. Said he was getting tired of him as a client anyway. Apparently, his last album didn't sell well and the autotune machine was starting to wear down because of him."
"And in the long run that idiot's death is going to make his company more money than he ever would when he was alive," Pam said.
"That's what he said," Krieger nodded. "As for our digital footprint I took care of it. It's as if Being Koi never existed."
"And as far as Mallory and the authorities are concerned, it never did!" Lana warned.
"What about the Department of Fish and Wildlife?" Ray asked.
"I took care of it," Krieger waved.
"You mean Mitsuko took care of it?" Pam asked.
"If you mean by taking care of it, you mean she did all the work erasing all the data from their files…Then yes," Krieger coughed. "But also…They may be a bit preoccupied about some other things."
"What other things?" Lana asked.
"I used an old standby to help cover our tracks," Krieger grinned. "Get rid of some of the paperwork."
"What did you do?" Cyril snapped.
"Well…" Krieger paused.
FLASHBACK!
At the LA Department of Fish and Wildlife at night…
"SQUEAK! SQUEAK!"
KA-BOOOM!
FLASHFORWARD!
"You sent your damn exploding mice to the Department of Fish and Wildlife?" Cyril shouted. "Great! Now we bombed a federal agency!"
"Like that was the first time we did that!" Cheryl snickered.
"Didn't you have two orders of fish that you bought?" Ray remembered.
"Yeah but I had my servants in one of my island resorts where I sent them to just throw them out into the ocean," Cheryl waved. "I forget which ocean…I know it's on a resort island somewhere in the tropics. Where a lot of rich people go to winter."
"What are the odds that it's the same resort those rich people are at?" Pam asked.
"Knowing us, one to one," Cyril sighed. "But I think we covered our tracks reasonably well."
"What did you do with the Koi once you got them back?" Lana asked.
"I'm having a fish fry," Krieger grinned.
"So it's a win-win!" Pam agreed.
"Light up the barbecue!" Cheryl whooped.
"We got rid of almost all the fish except for…" Krieger paused. "Uh oh…"
"What?" Ray asked. "Oh…That."
"I need to make a call…" Krieger gulped.
Meanwhile in Canada…
"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Dr. Quinn screamed as he shot at the fish with an AK-47. His clothes were torn.
"BURN IN HELL YOU FINNY DEMONS!" Dr. Virjay snarled as he shot at the fish as well with his own weapon. His clothes were also torn.
Dead fish and barely live fish flopped around in and out of the tubs. Fish blood was all over the place. "Are they dead?" Dr. Virjay panted as he stopped shooting.
"Pretty dead yeah," Dr. Quinn grumbled. "I knew this was a bad idea! Every time! Every time we go into business together…This is so predictable!"
"How is being attacked by killer fish and having to blow them up while fighting for our lives predictable?" Dr. Virjay asked.
"You know what I mean!" Dr. Quinn snapped. The sound of a phone ringing was heard. "It's my phone. It's Krieger."
"Oh, I wonder what this could be about?" Dr. Virjay asked sarcastically.
"Hey Krieger," Dr. Quinn answered the phone. "I was just about to call you. What's that? You wanted to give us a warning about the fish you sold us?"
"Now he gives us a warning," Dr. Virjay groaned.
"Oh," Dr. Quinn frowned. "You're saying that these fish are slightly aggressive. That they might become a tad agitated easily? NO SHIT! I WANT MY MONEY BACK YOU ASSHOLE! I MEAN IT! I SWEAR TO GOD IF I DON'T SEE MY MONEY BY THE END OF THE WEEK, I WILL SHOVE MY BIONIC HAND SO FAR UP YOUR ASS I COULD USE YOU AS A PUPPET! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"
Dr. Quinn paused as Krieger replied. "NO! I WON'T TAKE A DAMN CHECK! I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT AGAIN! ALL MY MONEY BACK IN CASH! GOT IT? NO, I WON'T TAKE STICKERS AND GLUE! WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULD DO THAT?"
"To be fair," Dr. Virjay grumbled. "If it was Stormy, I could see it."
"Cash by the end of the week, or else!" Dr. Quinn shouted. Then shut off his phone. "Crazy ass lunatic. Now what the hell do we do?"
Dr. Virjay paused. "Fish fry?"
Dr. Quinn sighed. "I'll go light up the barbecue…"