Warnings and Disclaimers:
PARODY WARNING! WARNING: YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ A PARODY!
Warning #2: The following story is entirely in jest, written because I like making people laugh. It encompasses several fandoms, including: Bleach, FFVII, Inuyasha, etc. I thought it'd be great fun to place select characters from all these different shows/games/manga in a fast food restaurant, working together. Again, it was written for laughs, and I do not mean a word of it.
Warning #3: I have a potty mouth. Sorry.
Warning #4: Remove all food and drink from desk. Srsly.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, FFVII, Inuyasha, Twilight, Full Metal Alchemist, Pokemon, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Chick Filet, or Ex-Lax. I own only my inane and often unintelligible sense of humour.
Enjoy!
-c
ep. 1: drive thru delicacies
It was a casual day at Chik Filet.
And by "casual" I mean the fire department would be called only once by the end of it.
And by "once" I mean "twenty".
What!? Who knew 'flammable' and 'inflammable' meant the same thing!?
Still, predicting the inevitable pyromania to follow, Manager Aizen was in a particularly good mood as he unlocked the front door. There was a carnival in town and someone had accidentally sabotaged the local Jill-In-The-Box's sewage line on purpose, so his tiny franchise on the corner of South and Main was set to sell a good amount of chicken-style chikken patties and soft drinks.
Whistling softly, he smiled at the mid-morning horizon and looked forward to another day of madness, mayhem, and spiking his customer's chikka-shakes so that they all succumbed to uncontrollable fits of diarrhea…
I mean! Being the best damn customer service oriented and cleanest most sparkly-est chicken-style chikken joint in the central north-west!
He'd thought long and hard about whom would work which station for the day, and after painstaking decisive planning and strategy (actually, he just threw darts at a dartboard, but who's really keeping track?) the day was determined as such:
Since Grimmjow was so nice and friendly and not at all perverse and icky, it was decided that he would spend the day at the front counter taking orders. Said blue-haired nice, friendly, and not at all perverse and icky miscreant was currently sitting on a counter, attempting to lick his own- ahem- because he saw a dog do it and thought it would be refreshing.
'Ahh,' Manager Aizen thought as Grimmjow fell off the counter, landed on the floor with a Thud! and began cursing his own balls for being so unnecessarily itchy, 'What a fine fellow I've selected to represent the face of Chik Filet!'
And since it pissed Manager Aizen off so bad that Sesshomaru beat him in the latest Shouben Jump! poll of sexiest anime characters EVR, it was decided that that fluffy asshole would spend the day, outside, in the chikken-mascot suit, waving at cars and getting hit in the face by diarrhea-spiked chikka-shakes hurled out of trucks by teenagers whom Manager Aizen had paid to torment said chikken-mascot.
Awesome.
Sephiroth, in the meantime, was holding his oversized sword, which had a ShamWow attached to the end of it, and was busy mopping up the trail of blood and tears leftover from last night's skeleton crew of Grimmjow, Hanataro, Juushiro and Kenpachi.
"Imagine that," said a bemused Sephiroth as he scrubbed away at a particularly embedded bloodstain. "The Final Fantasy Seven fandom is cleaning up after the Bleach fandom yet again."
In the back, Ishida, because he was so good at dipping limp strings into grease to make them erect (you heard me) was on fries.
And Ganju, because he had such a wonderful ability to make local businessmen disappear without anyone noticing all the while maintaining a fresh supply of chicken-style chikken patties for general consumption, was on the grill.
Meanwhile, Byakuya was on drive-thru duty.
Again.
Fuck, man.
What was Aizen's asshole problem!?
God. He was NOBILITY for crying out loud!
Like- you know!? Big castles and frilly dresses and shit! And yes, Byakuya did fancy a good frilly dress from time to time.
That is to say!
But, I digress. The point is that Byakuya was all noble and royal and, every other Sunday and sometimes after March Madness, frilly, and said noble, royal, poised and proper- and sometimes frilly- should not, I daresay, absolutely no way in sam tater be expected to work- Gods, the words spoil in my mouth as I try to say them- the drive-thru.
Someone like him should be doing something prestigious! Like…Like! Mopping up kid puke in the ball pit!
Srsly, what the f----
"HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO?!!? Are you gonna take my order or what?!"
God. First customer of the day. Aizen must have opened the line early just to piss him off. Damn this endless insufferable queue of pull-up, speaker-box idiocracy. He deserved better than this! Still- minimum wage was minimum wage, and he had to support his heroin addiction somehow.
Switching on his headset and turning the cash register on, Byakuya swallowed what was left of his dwindling pride and said:
"Welcome to Chik Filet, Home of the Chik Filet. Can I take your order?"
"Err..uhm…yes, please? I'd like some drive-thru?" said the voice at the other end of his mic.
"Yes, and what are you bothering me for?" Byakuya asked, playing Pee Monkey Jungle Fire on his iPhone.
"Uhm… because, I want to order something from you?"
"Sir, you're going to have to speak up." Oh, nicely done. He just peed on an elephant… Triple piss score!
"But I am speaking up! I'm talking my loudest!"
"Well, speak louder then, because I certainly can't hear you."
"I'm right in front of you shouting into the window! How can you not hear me?"
And that much was true, Byakuya surmised, when he looked up from his double pee-pee bonus screen to see a rather perturbed man pulled up to his window with all sorts of angry little anime "mad symbols" popping out of his forehead.
Who'd of thought those actually existed?
"What was that, Sir? You'll have to speak up."
"That's it! I want to speak to your MANAGER!"
"You rang?" asked Manager Aizen sweetly, who –poofed- into existence much the same way a genie did whenever he heard the word Manager. "How may I help you, dear customer?"
"This…this…ingrate here wont take my order! I've been waiting for drive-thru service now for twenty minutes!"
Had it really been twenty minutes, thought Byakuya. Oh well, time really flies when your little monkey is leaking on people's heads.
Wait, that didn't sound right. Let's try that again. Time really flies when… when your little helper is relieving itself on the faces of helpless victims?
No, that's no good.
God! Wasn't there anyway to say you were busy pissing on random strangers with your tiny pet without it sounding completely perverse!?
"Oh, I'm so, so sorry, Sir!" Aizen said sweetly, little hearts and rainbows surrounding him as he shifted into "suck up" mode at mach ten. "I do apologize for that. Our drive-thru operator, you see, he's from the, well… 'special' program."
"He…is?"
Manager Aizen's eyes lit up as he saw that his patented 'retard lie' (TM) was once again working.
"Oh, yes! We at Chik Filet are committed to giving back to the community! That's why 2% of our staff is from the 'special program'! We feel it sends a message to all the world that 'special' people should not be overlooked."
Byakuya, who'd never much been one for holding in his feelings, looked at Manager Aizen and said, "I fart on your face while you sleep."
Manager Aizen, ever the swindler, continued on. "See? He just can't help himself sometimes! I'll have you know, however, that our Byakuya here is the number one drive-thru professional in the central north-west region with Down Syndrom!"
The man in the window looked a bit skeptic at first; however, Byakuya, who was busy foaming over the fact that he'd just obtained the poop-toss power up in Pee Monkey Jungle Fire, was luckily looking extra 'special' at the moment, and thus the retard lie (TM) was a success.
"Listen," Manager Aizen sealed the deal. "Since you've been through all this trouble, allow me to Chikka-size your meal for free. I'll even throw in something special from our desert menu. Our new delicacy, 'Hershey Squirts', no charge."
"Hershey Squirts, huh?" the man asked. "Sounds nice. Better toss in an extra one for my wife, she has a real sweet tooth."
Since he didn't spend that much time on Urban Dictionary, the unsuspecting customer was unaware that Hershey Squirts was actually slang for Diarrhea, and that Manager Aizen, looking as kind and nice and unassuming as possible, was actually planning to lace his treacle with Ex-Lax.
"Excellent." said Manager Aizen. "Two Hershey Squirts it is."
"Bullocks," said Byakuya. "My pee monkey ran out of pee."