Author's Note: Hello, fellow fanfiction lovers! My name is American Titan, and I hail from the Loud House Wiki over on Fandom. Usually, when I post fanfictions, I submit them to my blog on that site. However, me and my cowriter for this fanfiction, Muppetspot, had a little bit too much fun when writing this one. The content in several scenes of this relatively short fanfiction are NSFW. Please keep that in mind before continuing. Additionally, the reason that this is #9 in a series (and I haven't posted any others in the series on here as of yet) is because the other ones are only available on my wiki blog! Feel free to check them out here with this link: wiki/User_blog:American_Titan
If you do like this fanfic, or would improve upon it, give me a comment down below to tell me what you would like to see in future fanfics or if you thought this one was perfect! You can also suggest ideas for future fanfic plots, and who knows, maybe your idea will be used someday! I am a new contributor to this site thanks to this fanfiction bringing me here, so I will slowly start to learn all of the new functions around here, and maybe even read some good stories that can be suggested to me through the comments below! Happy readings! -American Titan
"Ace Savvy miniature sized paperweight statue? Check! Ace Savvy cape from last year's comic con? Check! Bun-Bun decorated inside of an Ace Savvy costume from Build A Bear Workshop? Check!"
"Alright, everything looks good!"
Lincoln was just finishing up decorating his room for a special event. He turns his head to look at the audience.
"Oh! I didn't see you there, guys! I'm just preparing myself for my annual, all day, no sleep, no opening the door ACE SAVVY COMIC BOOK EXTRAVAGANZA! I've got myself prepared with all of the essential Ace Savvy decorations, plus a few extra commodities to assist me on my 24-hour marathon of comic books featuring my favorite superhero! I've got Ritz crackers and Chips Ahoy cookies over there as my meals for the day, I got my tinkle tube from last April Fools Day (you don't wanna know where it leads to outside of my room…)-"
"Bleck! These incompetent house plumbers turned the shower water yellow again! The pollution our water system brings into our house is beyond the point of insanity!" Lisa shouted from inside the upstairs bathroom.
"...anyway…I've got my cup of water here as a drink for said food, and I've got Masterlocks surrounding my door handle AND my air vent for any pesky intruders! And now, my final thing: stripping down to my boxers," Lincoln added.
Lincoln swiped his hand over his boxers, ripping them off in a split second. He then dug under his covers and turned on a flashlight under his blanket.
"Without further ado, let's begin! Ahem, Issue #101…"
"Lincoln, did you rip your undies again?" Lori asked. "I heard a loud ripping noise from your room."
"Probably you just farting again, Lori!" Lincoln replied.
"I'm literally going to turn you into a human pretzel when you get out of that room tomorrow." Lori angrily told him.
"And I'll be waiting to be pummeled!" Lincoln gleefully told her. Nothing could ruin Lincoln's mood today
"Alright, just please wear decent boxer shorts, I am trying to forget about the skid marks I saw in dad's underwear." Lori said disgusted.
"Ooh, you like looking at Dad in his undies now, huh? Never knew!" Lincoln teased her.
Lori grumbled to herself and stormed away from Lincoln's bedroom door.
"Though she is right about the boxers, what if Lola or Lucy saw me in ripped underwear," Lincoln said. "But I'll turn to my Spongebob-esque underwear tricks checklist later. For now, it's time to dive in to some butt-kicking hero action!"
Lincoln quickly got on some new red boxers, and started to read issue 101, the origins of Ace Savvy.
"OH MY GOSH THAT WAS AMAZING!"
After finishing up his first read, Lincoln opened up issue #102, the first story to feature Doctor Eightarms.
"OH MY GOSH THAT WAS AMAZING!"
You can tell that this process went on for quite a while.
That is, until Lincoln got to what was supposed to be the introduction of the first female villain in the series, Femme Fatale. He didn't recognize the cover to this comic at first, and believe me, he memorized ALL of the Ace Savvy comic book covers. It depicted a decent looking lady in a sexual pose.
"Wow, Femme Fatale's character design really changed within the last few decades. And it looks similar to someone I know, too. But I can't put my finger on it…"
Lincoln decide to peek in the magazine some more. But what Lincoln didn't know is that it was actually a Playboy magazine all the way back from the late 1980's.
"This chick is too hot to handle, folks! On page 32, you'll find all of the gnarliest and totally tubular girls just WAITING for you to call them up and have a good time!" Lincoln read to himself. "Man, if there's anything that Ace taught us, it's that Femme Fatale ALWAYS hypnotizes people whenever they call her up by telephone! She's even more devious then I remember in this issue!"
"But for kicks and giggles, I might as well turn to page 32 to see what all this fuss is about!"
Lincoln turned to page 32 to reveal a huge, busty, naked centerfold of a young woman. She was beautiful.
Lincoln was staring at the huge centerfold in awe. His fragile equipment was growing bigger and bigger every second he looked at it.
"Wow, they would never get away with stuff like this in comics these days…"
The centerfold image was blowing a kiss at Lincoln, with her gigantic boobs in his face.
It was tempting him.
Lincoln's hands were shaking in somewhat of a fearful state. He started to lower them down towards his red boxers, where he could see that his equipment was huge.
"Rita Smith reveals all of herself to you!" Lincoln read a caption next to the picture, which made him realize something.
"Huh? Her name is Rita?...But, Mom's first name is Rita...and Smith is her maiden name…" Lincoln slowly started to realize.
The centerfold girl was Lincoln's mom.
...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! GROSS, EW EW EW!'" Lincoln said pulling up his boxers. His equipment shrunk all the way back into his stomach in a millisecond.
He flipped through the rest of the pages of the Playboy magazine, each featuring risque acts that Lincoln's mom was performing.
She was in a gangbang on one page. She was dominating a male with her feet on his large sausage in another. And on the final page, she was seen giving some key-in-hole love to another familiar gentleman subject. He had brown hair and somewhat of a longer nose than the rest of the guys.
"Wait a second...is that guy...DAD?!"
Lincoln remembered seeing a dated, embarrassing picture of Dad on a college ID card way back when he was just a student still working towards his degree in Business. It looked just like the guy in the picture.
Lincoln screamed so loud that the crow family that was perched on the rooftop of the house all flew off of the roof.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
And we're not kidding around, folks, that scream REALLY took up two lines!
Lincoln ran out his bedroom, holding the magazine, to his parents bedroom. He was heartbroken on the inside.
Additionally, all that was on his mind was his parents in this lewd magazine, so he forgot to cover himself up more as he ran downstairs into his parent's bedroom.
Lola sipping some tea in the kitchen caught a glance of Lincoln's mostly nude bod.
"EW! Lincoln Loud, put some clothes on! You look ridiculous!" Lola shouted to him as he ran past her.
"I'm wearing boxers, at least!" Lincoln said quickly.
The door into the bedroom was locked.
"Hold on, give us a minute." Rita announced to the person at the bedroom door. But Lincoln couldn't hold on. He wanted answers, now.
Lincoln banged on the door loudly three times.
He could then hear his dad saying in the bedroom "Ahh, that's the sound I remember when we gave birth to Lori way back when. Good times…"
Lincoln gave up on banging on the door and slapped himself in the face with his hand. He must have been dreaming or something.
After a few seconds, Lynn Sr opened the door up for Lincoln.
"Hey, what's up, champ? You need help with your homework again?"
"NO! I...she...the magazine…"
"The magazine?" Rita asked as she put on her morning red shirt.
"This magazine! You… and Dad...and page 32!" Lincoln sputtered out. His face was sweating and was bright red. He was still so embarrassed for even reading past the cover on this Playboy issue.
"Why are you in your boxers, Linc?" his mother asked.
"I was reading my Ace Savvy comics when this 'Playboy' magazine popped up in my collection!" Lincoln explained.
"OOOOHHHH! The Playboys we worked on! How did those get out of my secret box in my dresser?" Lynn Sr said.
He reached over and took the magazine from Lincoln's trembling hand. He put it back into this gigantic cardboard box at the bottom of his dresser that said "TOP SECRET: Playboys I Worked On: 1986-1997".
Lincoln saw what the box said on it, and how huge it was, too.
"Um, Dad?" Lincoln asked.
"Yeah, Linc?" Lynn Sr said.
"How many of those magazines did you two star in?"
"GOODNESS! Lincoln Marie Loud, don't ask those questions!." Rita scolded him.
"Your mother is right, that's none of your concern as to which issue her luscious, busty,...naked...mmm…" Lynn Sr said. He started to drift off into his own thoughts.
"Uh, Dad?...Earth to Dad?" Lincoln tried to snap him out of whatever was on his mind. "God, I wish I was Lori having to deal with skid mark underwear."
Lynn Sr suddenly started to run right next to where Rita was buttoning up her shirt on the bed.
"You know, back then, you always were the best model I worked with back then." Lynn Sr told her.
"Oh, honey, not in front of the kids. You know how they-"
Rita's speech was interrupted by Lynn Sr french kissing her with tongue on the bed. She soon gave in and started to kiss him back too. She left her shirt unbuttoned. Lynn Sr was quickly escalating his love for her as he groped her two packages on her body. Rita moaned softly.
The situation was escalating too quickly for Lincoln, who was watching all of this in horror.
"I need my Bun Bun, I need my Bun Bun." Lincoln kept repeating to himself as he slowly walked out of the room and closed the door. He could hear his mom scream "OH YES, GIVE IT TO ME!"
He needed more than his Bun Bun to cheer him up. He needed to talk with other people to get his mind off of things.
Clyde was out of the country, helping to feed starving children in Packatans, so he turned to his family members for advice. His younger sisters wouldn't know what type of "love" Lincoln would be talking about, so he decided that his older sisters would be better to talk to.
"Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, I need help and Bun Bun."
No one answered. They were all in Lori's room gossiping together about something.
Lincoln grabbed Bun Bun from his room, put on some pajama shirt and pants, and knocked on the door. Leni opened it up for him and the five older sisters all squeed with joy when they saw Lincoln willing to talk about girly gossip with them. They all pulled him into the room and slammed the door shut.
"Well, look at who decided to join us. The lucky boy I'll be turning into a human pretzel soon."
"What got you out, what got you out, what got you outta bed this mooor-ning?" Luna sang to him.
"I thought you were doing that stupid Ace Savvy comic book worship thing." Lynn added in.
"Girls, listen. I had a traumatic experience just now," Lincoln said. "I need help."
"Sure, Linky! What happened?" Leni asked.
"Did someone pants you in school again?" Lynn asked with suspicion, rolling her shirt sleeve up to reveal a rather large arm muscle.
"What? No!...Well yes, but that's not it." Lincoln told her. "See, when I was in the middle of reading my comics…"
"You realized plain red boxers are not your style," Leni said.
"I thought that no boxers were Lincoln's usual style for that comic marathon! Ha, haaaaaaa!" Luan commented.
"Oh, come on, guys, can't I finish my sentence here?" Lincoln whined.
"Fine, fine." Luan piped down.
"I found this weird magazine called Playboy in the stack of my comics, and I thought it was a comic starring a girl supervillain, so I started reading it…"
Everyone except for Leni was holding back laughter.
"...and then I got to the centerfold girl, and I realized, it was MOM!"
Everyone gasped.
"Wow!" Luna said, startled. "Stacy's mom really HAS got it going on!"
"And then on the other pages, she was having...er, relations, with DAD!"
Everyone gasped. Again!
"How did they even get into that type of magazine for a job? They look so not hip and fashionable nowadays!" Lori wondered.
"Well in this magazine, they were young and like college students and stuff." Lincoln told them.
"I wonder how desperate they had to be to meet up through that job. Har, har!" Luan laughed.
Everyone glares at Luan angrily.
Just then, Luan could hear through the bedroom air vent what their parents were saying as they were loving each other in the bedroom.
"Oh yeah, do the Twister! Like what we did when we gave birth to Luan!"
"Nah, honey! I'm taking us back to the summer of '98, when Lori was popping out. It's 'Disco Time'!"
"I think I'm going to wet myself," Luan admitted. Her jokes turned into fear at what she was hearing.
"OOOOH YES, HONEYKINS! YOU'RE JUST AS GOOD AS BACK THEN!"
"Lincoln, I think I'll just forget about that whole human pretzel thing. You're good now." Lori was terrified, too.
Lincoln was hiding under the covers in Leni's bed. Leni was calmly hugging Lincoln under the blankets.
"There, there, Lincoln. Don't be afraid. Mom and Dad just get excited when they play board games together." Leni told him softly.
The others knew that Mom and Dad weren't talking about board games, but they all took advantage of Leni's incompetence to share a group hug together.
"Yeah, Linc. Don't worry. We'll protect you from their lewd acts." Lynn added.
"Thanks, you guys are the best." Lincoln came out of the covers and joined in the group hug.
"You should go talk to Pop Pop or someone." Luna suggested. "He knows more than we do on this kind of stuff."
"Really?" Lincoln said.
"Yeah! But as long as we're here, we can gossip about other embarrassing stuff they've done to cheer us all up!" Luan took over. "But you should probably wear something more than your pajamas if you do decide to pay a visit to him." Luan pointed at the kids pajamas Lincoln picked out quickly before entering the room and laughed at them, embarrassing Lincoln.
"What's wrong with stars?"
"They look like something an eight year old would wear." Luan chuckled.
"I could be in my boxers, thank you very much?" Lincoln stood up for himself.
"Sure, I bet Pop Pop wouldn't mind too much about you wearing clothes that your girlfriend would make a comedy routine out of! Hahaaa!" Luan replied.
"Har, har, har." Lincoln sarcastically laughed along.
"You know, one time, when Dad took the softball team out to Subway for a sub after we won against the Franklinville Ferrets, he had this MASSIVE booger sticking out of his nose, and my teammate Emma told him that it was just sticking out of there, and Dad PICKED IT OFF AND ATE IT!" Lynn told everyone.
"EWWWWWWWWWWWW!" everyone said.
"Everyone in the team after that called Dad 'Booger Boy' after that, but he doesn't even know! Hah! We use it as an in-joke now!"
"Mom took me to a Two Directions concert a few years ago, and we got sat next to this Muslim couple, and she was shivering this whole time. I asked her what was wrong, and she was afraid that they had a bomb strapped to their chests, ready to blow up the place." Luna added.
"Bleck! How racist!" Lori said. "That's legit not cool."
"They even heard her whispering that to me and gave both of us a dirty look. I was hiding my face in my jacket." Luna said.
"I have a selfie on my phone where I tricked Dad into thinking that he was getting a face massage at Ultra Beauty when he was really getting makeup painted all over him." Leni told everyone. She scrolled through her pictures on her phone and found the picture, showing it to everyone. He looked like a female clown when he was finished with his makeover.
Everyone burst out in laughter, even Lincoln. He was having such a good time talking to people that understood his feelings that he forgot what he was even worried about.
"You should've seen him when he looked in the mirror at it, too. He was supposed to go out to dinner with his work boss. He spent all afternoon crying in the shower trying to wash off all the makeup!" Leni continued.
Everyone was laughing so hard in the bedroom together.
Even Rita and Lynn Sr noticed.
They had just finished their bedroom fun and were listening in to all the laughter.
"Are they talking about us up there, Rita, honey?"
"I think I heard something about that day Leni put all that makeup on your face, during the day that you wanted to talk to your boss about a pay-raise, you know." Rita told him.
"Well, whatever it is, we need to get closer to the bedroom door up there so we can listen in to what they're talking about." Lynn Sr advised Rita.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
"Did I ever tell you guys about what Mom did when me and Bobby started dating?" Lori asked.
"No, tell us!" Lynn said.
"She booby trapped him."
"No way!" Luna said.
"Was she that into him that she trapped him between her packages? Hah!" Luan pondered.
"No, no, not that booby trap. She set up a rope trap near my bedroom door so that when he tried to walk in, the trap snagged him up. I wasted like an hour of the night finding scissors to cut the rope apart so he could escape."
"Well, that doesn't sound so bad." Leni added.
"You'll never believe the reason she set up the trap though. First thing she asked for when she heard he set off the trap, she came up the stairs and right in his face...asked if he had protection for the night." Lori finished.
"Nooooo! Naaaaaaah!" Lynn said in disbelief.
"She was that stupid?" Leni said, smiling.
"Mm hmm. Protection. And we weren't even THINKING about doing that on the first date." Lori said, angrily expressing dissatisfaction towards what her mom did that night.
Everyone burst out into laughter again. Especially Lincoln.
No one noticed as Rita and Lynn Sr slowly unlocked the door and quietly opened it to hear all of the discussion themselves.
"I bet they didn't have protection when THEY were working it for the Playboy cameras!" Lincoln joked.
Everyone laughed harder than before.
"They didn't even have protection from public decency! What kind of idiot gets a job as a PORNSTAR?!"
The group was in hysterics. They were laughing so hard that none of them noticed Rita and Lynn Sr standing by the bedroom door, shocked at what they were hearing.
"LINCOLN! GIRLS! WHAT THE H E DOUBLE PENCILS IS GOIN ON HERE?" Lynn Sr yelled into the room.
The group stopped laughing as soon as they realized that their parents listened in to the whole thing. They all started to get worried. They were in so much trouble.
"What were you kids talking about? Huh?" Rita added in.
The older sisters all went silent. Lori bit her lip.
Lincoln looked around the room. He could tell that everyone was deathly afraid to admit that they were gossiping about embarrassing moments that involved their parents. He decided in his head that since they did such a good job caring for him when he needed it, that he would take the blame for everything, since that's what it looked like to his parents, anyways.
"Mom...Dad...I told my sisters about several moments where you guys acted weird around people and we were laughing at them. I told all of the stories. You can punish me, my sisters were innocent." Lincoln hung his head and told Mom and Dad quietly.
"No, Lincoln…" Luna started to say. But Lincoln interrupted.
"They were just having fun with me, they didn't do anything. I'm the guilty one." Lincoln continued. "Do as you must."
"YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT THAT EFFIN COMIC BOOK CRAP YOU WERE DOING THIS MORNING! BECAUSE GUESS WHAT! IM TAKING YOU TO POP POPS HOUSE! WHERE YOU CAN DO NOTHING AND STARE AT HIS STUPID, BORING WORLD WAR 2 ART COLLECTION!" Lynn Sr. yelled at Lincoln.
The older sisters were so honored that Lincoln took the fall for them. They remained silent because they knew not to interfere with Lincoln's plan. Besides, maybe Pop Pop could cheer him up too, they thought. As long as he doesn't go on another tangent about how important World War 2 was.
"YEAH, I HOPE YOU GET BORED TO DEATH WITH HOW OLD AND LAZY YOUR GRANDPA IS! YOU WONT BE GOIN ANYWHERE FUN WHEN HE'S IN CHARGE OF YA ASS FOR THE DAY!" Rita joined in the scolding.
Lincoln got up from where he was sitting on the bed and started to walk towards his room to get dressed out of his pajamas for his day with Pop Pop. The older sisters walked down the hallway after him and each gave him a goodbye kiss.
Lynn rubbed his hair and told him "Bring a Gameboy over there. Pop Pop usually won't let you do anything else."
"I can't, they already hid that. The only thing I am allowed to bring is Bun Bun." Lincoln said.
"Stay strong, man." Lynn patted his back as he went into his room to dress. Rita and Lynn Sr gave Lincoln dirty looks all the way down the hallway.
"QUICK QUICK, CHOP CHOP, GET DRESSED AND LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lynn Sr yelled after Lincoln.
Lincoln threw on a casual outfit and headed out the door into the car. Lynn Sr was putting on his shoes, trying his best to put them on as quickly as possible, but the shoelaces were giving him trouble. Lincoln shouted past him as he headed into the car.
"Alright, Dad! I'm ready to GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Lynn Sr gave him a dirty look.
After a few seconds, he got in the driver's seat and set the GPS for Pop-Pop's house, a half hour drive away. Luan, Luna, and Leni were waving goodbye to Lincoln from inside the house. Lincoln waved back.
"It says we'll get there in thirty minutes." Lynn Sr quickly sputtered out, sweating and out of breath after trying to rush into the car. He was still thinking about how Lincoln smart mouthed him just a few seconds ago, and grinned evilly.
"I'll make it there in ten."
Lincoln gulped.
Lynn Sr reversed the car and put it into drive quickly. He burned rubber as Vanzilla ZOOMED down the street, cutting Lincoln's window goodbyes short.
On the road, Lynn Sr was doing a good job at keeping to his word. After all, he was speeding 25 mph more than every speed limit posted on each road. Until he got on to the expressway and had to slow down from 80 mph to 35 mph due to a slow, old lady driver in front of him.
"Move it, slowpoke!" Lynn Sr yelled at the old lady driver.
"What? Slow it down? Okay!," she said as she put in her car in 15 mph.
It was a one lane expressway, and the lane to the left of them going in the opposite direction had cars zooming down it every second. Vanzilla couldn't pass her.
Lynn Sr was crying and beeping his horn like a wild animal at the same time. Eventually, after about two minutes of him constantly abusing the car horn, it died on him.
"OH, GREAT! THATS GONNA BE A HUNDRED DOLLAR REPAIR RIGHT THERE!"
Going 15 mph was draining his gas and oil life, too. The low gas beeps the car made when warning him and the low oil beeps played simultaneously, and they wouldn't stop until he fixed the problems. But the closest gas station wasn't until right near Pop-Pop's house.
Lynn Sr bashed his head on the steering wheel in rage, this time chipping part of his front teeth. A thousand dollar repair right there.
"WHY MEEEEEEEEEEE" he sobbed even louder.
Thanks to the kind, sweet, gentle, slow as heck old lady, they got to the destination exactly in 30 minutes, just like the GPS had predicted earlier.
Lynn Sr was at a loss for words when he finally was done with the drive.
"We're….here….."
He collapsed in his seat, his head bonking against the steering wheel, brusing his noggin.
Lincoln decided just to leave him there to heal and got out of the car, heading into Pop-Pop's house.
"Well, I hope I'll be having a great history lesson today, Bun Bun," Lincoln said to Bun Bun in his pocket.
Lincoln walked inside where he was greeted by Pop-Pop.
"Hey, why didn't ya knock, ya whippersnapper?"
Ooh, boy. The sisters seemed to be right. Pop-Pop was either in it, or out of it depending on what day you visit him. Today, he seemed out of it, like he was just gonna relax inside of his home and do boring Grandpa things.
Lincoln could see that Pop-Pop alphabetically organizing his stamp collection on the living room table. Bad sign #1.
"Heyyyyyyyy, Pop-Pop!"
"Oh, it's my boy!"
Pop-Pop got up from the couch and hugged Lincoln.
"How've you been, my grandson?"
"Doing well!"
"Say, are you still into that...erm… Pretty Beat Em Up Pony show, or whatever?"
Bad sign #2. He thought Lincoln was Lucy.
No wonder he gets the two of them confused all the time.
"No, grandpa, silly! It's me, Lincoln!"
"Ahh, Lincoln! What brings you over today? Last I recall, you always spend today reading your collection of Ace Swahoosy comics, or...something like that."
"Grandpa, it's 'Savvy'!"
"Oh, yeah...well, why aren't you doing that today then?"
"Mom and Dad sent me over here as a punishment."
Pop-Pop was surprised. "They did?"
He looked outside to see Vanzilla still in his parking lot, with Lynn Sr frantically trying to find a car repair shop near the area, in the middle of nowhere. Pop-Pop chuckled and said to Lincoln, "I always knew that he was a bit of a klutz for your mother."
"That's why she chose him for marriage?"
"Nah, it was something different. You'll find out when you're older, but it was for a MUCH dumber reason. Your mom never was the brightest bulb in the circuit."
Lincoln's face turned red. He knew what Pop-Pop was talking about.
"Hey, Pop-Pop. The reason I got punished is because...well...I think I found out about that reason today."
"You did? It wouldn't have been about magazines, would i-"
Lincoln interrupted Pop-Pop.
"It was. Yep. The naked magazines."
"Oh, Jesus."
"I know, they freaked me out as much as what you think of them. Are you mad at me?"
"No, of course not! I'm not mad at you for that. It's just…...wow, how did that secret slip outta the closet to you?"
"I was just reading my comics and then one of the old magazines must have slipped into the pile. It was from the 1980's, I think."
"Yeesh." Pop-Pop winced at imaging what Lincoln's initial reaction was like.
"I talked to my older sisters about it to calm me down after seeing it-"
"Oh, joy. Now your five older siblings know, too."
"Well, Mom and Dad didn't help me out much in calming me down."
Pop-Pop looked out the window again to see Lynn Sr screaming inside the car at his phone, which was taking a while to load the search results for "car repair shop near me". He was trying to take a bite out of the stupid phone when his broken tooth accidentally banged against the hard metal phone, and he dropped the phone, wincing in pain in a fetal position in the driver's seat.
Pop-Pop replied to Lincoln, "I can tell."
He looked at Lincoln, who seemed to be a little sad still about finding out such a horrific past life his parents had.
Pop-Pop brought Lincoln closer to himself on the couch and patted him on the back.
"Come on, champ. Let's go for some ice cream at the local Cool Rock Creamery to cheer you up. And if you want, we can talk more about these 'magazines' your folks starred in."
"Okay Pop Pop, though I have something to admit, I don't know if I am staying the night or not," Lincoln told him.
"Don't worry, I'll drop you off at home afterwards. I know you don't wanna stay the night over here, and besides you have school tomorrow. I can't keep you away from such a highly-respected center of knowledge!"
"Or as I like to call it, Wedgie Central." Lincoln said sarcastically. He and Pop-Pop laughed.
"Don't worry. Eventually you'll be able to stand up to those nasty bullies one day." Pop-Pop assured him.
Getting back to the ice cream parlor, Lincoln noted, "Plus I don't have any underwear to wear." Lincoln said.
"You can borrow some of my white ones. Although over time, they seem to have gotten this interesting white-green-yellow tye dye pattern to them.
"Grody! No thanks, I'm good!" Lincoln said with a fake smile.
"I'm just fooling with ya! Hahaaa! Anyway, we'll stop at Doe-Mart for some underwear for you." Pop Pop said.
The two of them hopped into Pop-Pop's car and were about to begin their quest, but they both forgot that Lynn Sr and Vanzilla were both still inside of the driveway. Vanzilla was blocking the way out of the driveway.
Pop-Pop's vision has gotten a little bad over the years, too.
He looked out his rearview mirror before backing up.
"Err, is that a rock in the way?"
Pop Pop slammed on his brakes to move the rock out of his way. He ended up slamming into Vanzilla, pushing it out into the middle of the road. Vanzilla and Lynn Sr got damaged in the crash, but Pop Pop's car was completely unharmed by it. Lynn Sr started to yell cuss words at Pop Pop.
"Phew! I got that talking rock out of the way. Now, let's get going, Lincoln." Pop-Pop said as he drove off.
Lynn Sr was fuming with anger. He tried to drive after Pop Pop, but his car wasn't starting up now that Pop Pop slammed into it.
Just then, Lynn Sr could hear a truck driving fast down the street. Vanzilla wasn't moving anywhere in the middle of the street. The truck loudly beeped its horn for the van to get out of the way.
"Mommy…"
Meanwhile, Pop Pop and Lincoln were heading down the expressway when they ran into the same woman driving 15 mph.
"Oh, no! Now we'll never get to Doe-Mart before it closes!" Lincoln sadly exclaimed.
Pop-Pop grinned. He rolled down his driver window and shouted to the old lady. He whistled to her, acting as though she was a hot mama, and said "Whoo wee, Gretchen! You're looking fiiiiine today!"
The old lady in the car playfully shouted back to him, "Oh, you wanna race again, Henry? Let's dance!" She then zoomed down the highway at 80 mph.
Lincoln's jaw dropped.
"She's playing around with me. She wants me to catch up to her. That's how we flirt." Pop-Pop explained.
"Then let's go 80, dude!" Lincoln said, excited.
Pop Pop zoomed down the highway to catch up to her. Pop-Pop, Lincoln, and Gretchen were having fun racing the cars.
During the race, Lincoln and Pop-Pop talked amongst each other.
"So what size underwear and what style?"
"We can just get a cheap pair of undies there. No special designs, maybe white colored, and that will probably be a dollar for one pair of them."
"I am not getting you nasty tighty whities, you're my grandson! You need something a little better," Pop Pop said. "Besides didn't your doctor tell you to not wear briefs?"
"I've tried to hide that from people who didn't know, but yes." Lincoln said, embarrassed.
"Why are you embarrassed?" Pop Pop asked.
"Just like when I saw that magazine, I get uncomfortable looking at or talking about no-no parts."
"Lincoln, I was worried sick about your top secret area after what the doctor told you, besides I am your grandfather, I have seen it before." Pop Pop said.
"Okay. If you want, we can get a higher priced pair of boxers." Lincoln admitted to him, knowing now that price wouldn't be an issue.
Pop-Pop turned off of an expressway exit, heading down a side street to Doe-Mart.
"Okay any particular size?" Pop Pop asked.
"A size 8 fits me nicely." Lincoln told him, turning his head around and checking his pants size just to make sure.
"Are you wearing underwear?" Pop Pop asked.
"Silly granddad! I told you earlier that I forgot to wear them here!" Lincoln chuckled.
Pop Pop turned into the entrance of Doe-Mart.
"Looks like you are getting them now," Pop Pop said.
"Yay!" Lincoln cheered.
"Don't do the splits or else you are going to be giving a peek show," Pop Pop said.
"And then a video of me will appear in a Weirdest Shoppers At Doe-Mart compilation on YouTube." Lincoln added.
They walked into the store, into the clothes department, where there were several different pairs of underwear laying out on display.
"I want these size 8 blue boxers with bunnies," Lincoln admitted.
"Those bunnies look quite similar to that plush rabbit you always carry around." Pop-Pop noted.
"I know! It's from a cartoon on Nickelodeon!"
"What's the show called?"
"The Hoppy House!"
"Huh, sounds quite familiar, but I can't put my finger on it." Pop-Pop said.
"Anyway can you buy the underwear, my spot is starting to swell up." Lincoln told him.
"Oh, right, right." Pop-Pop and Lincoln started heading towards the cashier. They got in line.
"Hey, Pop-Pop. Why didn't Mom and Dad have underwear on when they were doing that stuff in the magazine?" Lincoln pondered.
"Well, during those activities, you don't need to have underwear on to have fun." Pop-Pop explained.
"Wow, really?"
"Yep. It's a bit of a touch and go experience at first, but once you dig deep enough into the moist black hole of the woman, you'll be better off thanking yourself that you didn't subject your undies to this pleasuring experience." Pop-Pop continued.
Lincoln started to get a little weirded out by what Pop-Pop was saying. And the people in line were, too, including a posh and elegant British father and son.
"Oh my god, Sheila, you were the only one who could sock it to me right, yeah baby, yeah." Pop-Pop was saying his fantasies out loud. Everyone was listening in, including the cashier.
"Um, sir, you're next in line? Can I help you or something?"
"OH MY, ERM, YES, OF COURSE." Pop-Pop snapped back to reality and payed for the underwear.
"Most unorthodox. Quite the quitter parent you got thar, chappie." the British father told Lincoln.
"Dearest father, I doth never heard of the English term 'baby' in said context." the British son said to his father.
"And you never will'st!" the father replied to his son. "Hmph! We won't support such a lewd establishment once again now! Off to the Rock that is deemed Cool for some creamed ice, yes."
Lincoln and Pop-Pop were confused by what they were saying as the British people left their items (two bibles) on the shelf and left the store.
"Can I go to the bathroom, Pop-Pop?" Lincoln asked.
"Sure thing! Just make sure not to pee in your undies now." Pop-Pop said with a smirk. Lincoln rolled his eyes and rushed off to the restroom.
Lincoln got to the first open stall, which was surprisingly clean for a Doe-Mart. He ever so gently took his pants off and hung them up so he could put on his boxers. He pulled up the boxers as quickly as he could, which was surprisingly successful.
"Ah, the feeling of new boxer shorts on yourself is really nice," Lincoln said.
"You talkin ta me, hot stuff?" a queer fellow in the next stall over shouted.
"Meep!" Lincoln remembered that he needed to keep his thoughts to himself in here.
Lincoln quickly put on his pants, unfortunately giving himself a wedgie.
"Ack! Feels like a Lynn exclusive wedgie there! So tiiiight!" Lincoln thought to himself, trying not to scream out in pain."You know what, I am going to just sag my pants so I can move around in my underwear."
Lincoln pulled his pants swiftly down and was revived from the horrible wedgie.
"Good thing that boxers are able to unwedgie themselves! Such advanced technology they've made them into these days." Lincoln thought to himself.
After washing his hands with soap and water, unlike all of you hip and edgy teens out there who think it's ok to run your hands under cold water for one second in the restroom AND CALL IT A DAY EW SO MANY GERMS, *sigh* Lincoln walked back to Pop-Pop, who was waiting for him inside of the car.
"So you becoming a rapper Lincoln?" Pop-Pop asked.
"Word, dog!" Lincoln told him jokingly.
"But I'm not a dog! I'm a rather handsome man, especially for my age." Pop-Pop told him, not getting the joke.
"My homie G!" Lincoln continued.
"Whazzat? I ain't Homer Simpson, neither." Pop-Pop said.
Lincoln laughed out loud. Pop-Pop just wasn't in the know with all these cool rap terms, ya know? But that didn't matter to Lincoln. He was just glad that he was having fun on this trip. And it only just begun.
"Though, I think your name should be Pants Down Fool," Pop Pop said.
"I pity the fool who make pants look uncool!" Lincoln said in a fake macho voice, parodying Mr T.
"I pity the fool exposing his boxer shorts fully to the world from the front and back," Pop Pop told Lincoln. "Though cute bunnies.
Lincoln looked embarrassed. He gave a look to Pop-Pop, and Pop-Pop decoded what Lincoln was thinkin.
"Let's get you a belt for those pants of yours."
ONE DOE-MART BELT PURCHASE LATER…
"Cool Rock Creamery?" Lincoln asked Pop-Pop. He knew that it was late, and didn't want to pester him about it, but the desserts there were just so tempting that he couldn't resist.
"Heck yeah, Cool Rock Creamery!" Pop Pop said in joy.
"Yes!" Lincoln burst out in excitement. He hugged Pop-Pop.
"Wow, you kids must really love your ice cream these days." Pop-Pop joked. He started up the car and drove off to the ice cream parlor.
"So Pop Pop can you explain why my mom did those magazines before Lori?" Lincoln asked, embarrassed.
The duo arrived at Cool Rock Creamery and stepped inside. Pop-Pop was still thinking about the answer to that question, and forgot that there were customers in public around him as he tried to explain to Lincoln.
"She was young, reckless, and trying to make a living. So she did some shameful stuff before Leni was born." Pop Pop explained.
"Wait she stopped after Leni?" Lincoln asked.
"She has a thing about...no regrets. Or at least, she did when she was younger, and a prettier girl." Pop-Pop reminisced.
"Bleck! Mom was actually pretty at one point?" Lincoln thought to himself.
He then said to Pop-Pop, "Well how did she do it then?"
The two approached the ice cream counter. A young, female high school student employee came up to them and said, "May I take your order?"
Pop-Pop saw a waffle cone on display for size purposes. After thinking for a second, he took the cone off of the display case and showed it to Lincoln.
"Well, you see, Linc, Lynn Sr. had a rather big cone for my daughter."
"You mean his nose?" Lincoln naively said.
"Well, his lower nose." Pop-Pop replied. And your mother was so attracted to this piece of his bod back then. It got her into pure ectasy, more than all the other men."
"Um, sir, that waffle cone costs $1.99. You're going to need to pay for that because you touched it." the female employee told him. Her words were being phased out by the two.
"Ooh, the things I caught your mother doing with that 'nose' when she was young and frisky. Your father was the bachelor she kept bringing over into that bed of hers. They were moaning all night until the cows came home at sunrise." Pop-Pop detailed.
Everyone in the ice cream parlor turned their heads to Pop-Pop and Lincoln to listen in to their conversation. The poor female employee that was just trying to do her job had a front row seat, too.
"Matter of fact, it was hard to tell which moos came from the cow and from her dirty lil mouth."
"Sir, please stop. There are children in here." The poor worker complained.
These were the answers Lincoln was seeking this entire time. He couldn't stop. Grampa was in the zone. And Lincoln needed to get all the questions he had built up inside of him out.
"Cows? You mean the ones that produce milk and cream?" Lincoln was confused.
"Oh, they made a whole lotta creamy milk in their bedroom factory, my dear boy. It was a milk madhouse in there!" Pop-Pop recalled. "Why, I wouldn't be surprised if any of that potent cream made it up into any of the ice cream here that has been blessed to be in our dessert cups today!"
The female employee looked down at the vanilla ice cream in the freezer. It wasn't the milk Pop-Pop was talking about, but she could see a grey streak in the ice cream because they forgot to add enough food coloring to it. She shuddered as she stared at the grey streak, tainting the ice cream.
"Hey Pop Pop, we are at the counter." Lincoln said.
"Well, you should have COUNTED up how many times your big daddy milked her in there, like I did!" Pop-Pop continued. "Whew lad, too many to say for sure."
"Pop Pop, I get it now you can stop."
Lincoln was getting hungry for the ice cream. He wanted a banana split from here, and this was the best place to get them at. The employee was traumatized by this point, but Lincoln tried to divert her mind away from what she was thinking about.
"Excuse me, ma'am, I'll take a banana split, please." Lincoln told her. Pop-Pop was still deep in thought.
"O-one banana split c-coming right up." She was shaking as she went over to the counter to slice up a banana.
Pop-Pop's eyes were focused on what she was doing. As soon as he saw her take the banana fruit out of the drawer,...
"OH GOD, WAS HIS BANANA HUGE LIKE THAT!"
"Oh, goodness me." Lincoln muttered to himself.
"The banana milk that flowed throughout Rita's intestines, giving her the pleasure she so desired, was what created the kin of your own, my grandson. Lori, why, she was the ultimate pleasure. The big one! Like that banana right there. Just like your daddy had."
The female employee, named Amanda, was having a hard time chopping up the banana for the dessert. She was certainly imagining it as something else. She noticed that her hand was grasping the banana firmly and she quickly flew back away from touching it.
"Ya know, as people age like myself, everything about them starts to shrink down. Their hair, their muscular stomach...and their bananas."
"Oh, boy." Lincoln got even more embarrassed.
"Your daddy's banana just swelled up after Lori there. Rita didn't find it attractive anymore. But she still loved him."
"Really?" Lincoln realized.
"That's why she stopped posing for those magazines, thank goodness." Pop-Pop said slowly. "I never consented myself to have her do such acts for the money, but it was her decision."
"I couldn't force her to stop. She was having so much fun. I just decided to let her go with the flow. Which included the flow of that cream inside and outside, of course."
"Pop Pop, please stop. This fanfiction is rated PG-13 and we cannot make it anymore lewd before Veenster takes it down." Lincoln tried to calm him down.
Pop-Pop was wheezing as the entire store continued to stare him down.
"You know, grandson...fanfiction dot net...is a wonderful invention…" Pop-Pop gasped out.
Amanda was in a fetal position in the corner.
"Erm, I'll pass on that banana split, but thanks for trying!" Lincoln told her.
Amanda waved goodbye to them with her hand.
The British father and son from earlier had their jaws dropped the entire time.
"How crude and rude this boy is really?" the father asked.
"Never before have I seen such a public display of indecency, very well yes." the son followed up.
"My dearest apologies, my son, I thought we would be escaping the Doey Marty madhouse by strutting here, dear me." the father said.
"Every place out in capitalist America is pure madness. To truly escape, we must post haste get our golden plane up and running back to a British tea shop destination in the United Kingdoms, truly." the son remembered how polite and not-lewd back home was.
"Quite right. Carry on the idea, true." the father replied.
He pressed a button on his car keys that made a solid gold plane appear right in the parking lot of the ice cream shoppe. The spinning rutters on the plane were quite loud.
Everyone was staring at the gigantic plane and how the bottom wheels of the plane for landing destroyed most of their parked cars, as the father and son calmly climbed up a ladder on the plane to get into the seat area.
Lincoln could hear the son shouting to his father, "A quick 14 hour flight to London Airport, yes sir!" as the plane zoomed off. The jet engine from the plane taking flight melted all of the cars in the parking lot besides for Pop-Pop's car, which was left unscratched.
"Delorean. Never rusts!" Pop-Pop explained.
"Let's...go home, grandpa." Lincoln told him.
As they walked back to their car, Pop-Pop said, "I'm sorry we couldn't get you that banana split, Linc. And how they gave us that restraining order just now so we can't return to this location ever again."
"I guess I got a little carried away, is all."
"Eh, it's fine. Besides, I got new boxers." Lincoln said happily.
"Hey, there's another Cool Rock Creamery location ten minutes away downtown. Want to get your banana split there?" Pop-Pop announced.
"Only if you promise to talk in a safe for work tone, like those British people were talking."
"You have my word, dear chap!" Pop-Pop said fancifully.
Lincoln laughed.
"Well, whaddya waiting for? Let's get a banana split!"
ONE NORMAL TRIP TO COOL ROCK CREAMERY LATER…
"That was totally amazing!" Lincoln said as they drove back home.
"Their sundaes are always tasty. What a great ice cream parlor." Pop-Pop agreed.
They both were silent for a little while as they pulled up to Lincoln's house.
Pop-Pop called up Rita earlier and told her that Lincoln was fine now, and that he distracted Lincoln by taking him to an arcade (instead of telling her that he told Lincoln all of her dirty little magazine secrets) Rita fell for it, and she was happy, allowing Lincoln to return to the house.
Although she had no idea where her husband could have gone off to at such a late hour.
Unknown to her, he was badly damaged at the hospital.
Lynn Sr. was laying unconscious on a hospital bed. He head was aching as he slowly opened his eyes. But instead of looking at any of his loving family by his side, he awoke to see foreign man doctor holding a clipboard.
"Ahh. You awake now, yes. Sleepy people can't pay hospital bills. Phew! Here is bill, you pay us now or else we throw you out onto street." the doctor told him.
He handed Lynn Sr the bill, which totaled out to $11,264.
Lynn Sr screamed through his mummified body wrapped in bandages, "LINCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLN!"
Rita back at home assumed that he was out looking at those tramps at the strip club again.
"Ooh, when he gets back here, I'm gonna pummel him so hard, he'll be in the hospital for weeks!"
When Pop-Pop parked in the driveway and said his goodbyes to Lincoln, Lincoln paused for a second.
"Hey, Pop-Pop…"
"Yes, my boy?" Pop-Pop said.
"Even though I kinda felt a little embarrassed in the ice cream shop, you really helped to calm me down by taking me out today and explaining everything. Thank you so much."
Lincoln tightly hugged Pop-Pop's chubby belly.
"Aww, it's nothing, really." Pop-Pop told him. "Don't worry, we can meet up again sometime. And you can always give me a phone call on that fruity Apple phone if anything goes wrong."
"I will! Have a good drive back!" Lincoln shouted to him as he ran to the front door.
He rang the doorbell and Rita opened the door.
"Ahh, I see you had fun with Grampa today, huh?" Rita asked.
"Yeah! We had loads of fun going out together! I forget what even happened earlier!"
"Excellent! Well, just remember never to look in any cardboard boxes in the house ever again, and everything will be peachy keen." Rita grinned to herself.
Lincoln raced up the stairs. The older sisters all saw him running up and squeeeeeeeeeeeeeed in joy. They all joined Lincoln as he ran into Lori and Leni's room.
"Welcome back home, Linc!" Luan announced.
"Did Pops answer all of those questions that were high on your mind, brah?" Luna calmly asked.
"Did you get any hot gossip on Mom and Dad, too?" Lori wondered.
"Boy, did I! And I can retell it all to you guys right now! But it might keep us up past midnight, and Mom doesn't like that." Lincoln said.
"Do it, Linc! We can stay up past midnight!" Lynn encouraged him.
"Yeah!" all the sisters shouted.
"What's all that ruckus up there? It's getting close to midnight. Sleep time!" Rita yelled up the stairs.
"yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay" all the sisters whisper-shouted.
They gave Lincoln a big group hug.
"We just need to keep it quiet so Mom doesn't hear us." Lori told the group quietly.
"We'll get to the gossip fast and then take the loud voices slow, because that's where we wanna go." Luna added.
"Way down to Kokomo? Not in this snowy mess of a town! Hahaaaa!" Luan whispered.
"Well, don't keep us waiting in suspense, Linc! Where did it start?" Lynn quietly asked.
"It all started with a new pair of boxers and a banana split…" Lincoln started.
The End.