A/N: I never really introduced myself in my writing, did I? Oh, well! I'll do that right now...

Hello, I am sassyflowers. My friends call me Lisa. Well, my family does but I have gotten used to being called that. You can call me sf, Lisa, or simply sassy. Whatever works for you.

I love love LOVE writing. Not just fic, but my own stories. So, yeah. That's a thing.

And this is my second fanfiction I've wrote so far. I'm still pretty pissed at my past DaveVrisk. I could've done better. I'm working on a BUNCH of fics right now and some are actually finished but I'll put up this for now. Stop! It's JOHNKAT time. (Or IS it?)

Pairings: past KatNep, Daverezi, DirkJake, CottonCandy, possible Karkat/Roxy and Karkat/Jane?, hints of DirkRoxy, SolFef, EqAra, aaaaaaaand hints of JohnVris.

Enjoy! See you after the end of the chapter.

===Chapter 1===

===Be Karkat.

(YOU ARE NOW KARKAT, FUCKASS. You can manage to curse in every sentence, good for you!)

"Fuck the goddamn cold," Karkat grunted as he slammed the door behind him, putting the keys Terezi gave him back in his sweater pocket. He shivered and sighed as he entered the warmth of the apartment; it was in the middle of winter, but he decided it would be a great idea if he left without that ridiculous red coat Terezi got him for his birthday. Gog, he was such a fucking idiot. He sighed as he was warmed up again, walking up the steps. He got to the second floor, and to Terezi's door, A13. He didn't want any of the asshole neighbors bothering him again; it became routine for everyone in this apartment that A13 would never be touched, because he would always put up a piece of paper on the door labeled: FUCK OFF.

He took out the keys again, always frowning at the key chain they were on. It was a little Cancer symbol, since his best friend got it for him on his birthday; she was so bizarre. Whatever. He entered the room, and ripped out a piece of paper from Terezi's drawing journal. He frowned as he saw drawings of Terezi's long time boyfriend Dave in there.

"Jegus fuck, why is she so gross about things?" he said quietly. Well, he had to admit she was really good at drawing; Dave looked pretty realistic, but still totally stupid and dumb. Nice one, Terezi. He wrote his warning paper, and opened the door to the apartment again, taping it to the front. He shut it loudly. Walking back in, he grabbed Terezi's laptop and turned it on.

Password.

"Fuck, let me think," Karkat said. He typed in Dave Strider. Sure enough, it let him in. Smirking, he thought to himself, "Heh, pretty pathetic, Terezi." Karkat started blushing as he thought of his own phone's password, his forever and always crush, a really dorky kid.

"Well, that doesn't count, because we're not together, and probably never will be," he thought in his head. "Gog, I hate myself, I'm such an asshole, and a hypocrite." No wonder he needs "special help." He feels like he's alone most of the time. Well, he has his ukulele, since he brings it with him everywhere. But the reason he knows how to play is a depressing story.

He recently has been taking anger management, as a result of one of his mental breakdowns, a few months earlier. He accidentally hurt his mother, and she ended up with a cast in the hospital for three weeks, and how it happened, Karkat wouldn't like to mention.

(THAT'S RIGHT, FUCKWAD. IT'S NONE OF YOUR FESTERING BULGE FONDLING FUCKING BUSINESS.)

He wouldn't tell anyone, not even Terezi. She never would pry at him, and that's one thing he liked about her, also since they were friends since the fourth grade. His therapist told him doing something, like playing an instrument, would help him. But, for some reason, it made him feel worse.

He went on Pandora through his account, and played the Pierce the Veil Radio, his favorite band. They are AWESOME. He turned on Terezi's speakers as well, and turned the volume all the way. Yeah, he knew some people didn't like it, but Karkat couldn't honestly care less.

He walked around her house, and went into her extra room, where she lets him hang out. She specifically warns him never to enter her room, and he seriously does not want to know what's in there. He grabbed a bunch of extra blankets in the closet that Terezi put there for him, since she knows he hates being cold and put he lay on the bed. He took out his ukulele from its case, and started playing, singing random notes that popped into his head. It's not like it would even help, anyway, but here goes nothing:

"I love to hate on everything,

But you know what? Fuck you,

I can do what I want..."

What? That doesn't even... Okay, think of other things. His therapist told him to sing about more practical things, maybe life. Yeah, that sounds good:

"The world around me is upsetting,

Maybe 'cause of me...

How complicated life seems to be getting,

But I don't want it to be...

Everything I've been regretting,

Why does it always happen to me?

Everything stupid thing I say...

I can't take all the pain,

I'll never able to win this game,

Nothing will ever be the same,

How can I ever survive today?

How is anyone able to put with me,

How stupid they all must be,

'Cause no one will ever be able to see,

The real me..."

Well, shit. There goes his sanity again, drooling all over his crush and singing about him. He must think he's a fucking weirdo or something...

"I'm afraid I might be denied, I am terrified of what I hide,

Of what I feel inside, I want him by side...

It has always been like this, it's only him I'd like to kiss,

But I'd always ridicule, And make him look like a fool,

It's only him I diss..

It's always been this way, ever since that fateful day,

Where we would stand and say, it's all gonna be okay...

Cause when I'm with you, I don't know what to do,

With my pathetic fucking self...

How can you put up with me?

How stupid you must be, even with if you're the only one to see,

The real me...

Sha da da da, sha da da da da...

All you really do, is make me look like a fool,

Unintentional ridicule, I'm still a lovesick fool,

I'm still a fucking fool...

Okay, this is stupid..."

Karkat stared at the ceiling for a while. He put the ukulele back in its case and dropped it on the floor. He bit his lip, sighing angrily and turned over on the bed on his stomach. Looking to his right, he saw some Terezi's weird scalemate plush toys on the carpeted floor next to the bed. He rolled over, and fell on the ground. Looking at them just made him shudder, he wondered what the hell she even did with them. He started feeling sleepy, but he couldn't sleep. He thinks he became an insomniac or something. Lately he hasn't been sleeping and Terezi's all worried for him. She got him sleeping pills. Lately, Terezi had to sleep with him and sing him lullabies. It was so crazy at first. She usually has this really snarky and snobby voice that made her sound like quaint and business like, but when she sang to him her voice became soft and sweet and sort of high pitched like Jade's but it so quiet and beautiful. It was as strange as... Karkat's mixed emotions.

And now all he could do was think about John. Dammit! Wasn't the plan for today to not think about him?!

...John Egbert. That guy was such an oblivious dumbass to so many obvious things, and yet... Karkat loved him so much. He couldn't bring himself to hate the boy, fuck, he was in love with that boy, so much so he writes songs about it. He even writes about what goes on in his life. He doesn't care what his therapist says, it's not a fucking diary. It's more of Karkat bitching and moaning about everything. Well, about John. He turned on his phone, and went on his notes. He clicked on one very long note he called, Screw Writing Things Out, This Is America For Fuck's Sake, and he continued his next entry:

WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO NOW? ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER SORROW. I SKIPPED SCHOOL AGAIN, I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO LOOK AT JOHN AGAIN. YET, I DON'T EVER WANT HIM TO LEAVE MY LIFE. I WISH THAT I COULD BE BY HIS SIDE FOREVER, AND LOVE HIM AND HE WOULD LOVE ME BACK. BUT, IT'S ALL POINTLESS. I LOVED HIM SINCE THE SIXTH GRADE, AND NOW LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE. I'M A FUCKING JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL, AND I STILL CAN'T MAN UP ALREADY. THIS SUCKS SO MUCH, WHY CAN'T I DO IT? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO JUST LOOK HIM IN THE EYES AND TELL THE TRUTH?

BECAUSE, THE TRUTH IS UGLY. HE'LL PROBABLY JUST LAUGH IN MY FACE, AND SAY, "HAHA, I'M NOT A HOMOSEXUAL." I WISH I COULD JUST SAY, "WELL, I CAN CHANGE THAT." HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT I WOULD DO TO HIM. I WANT TO FEEL HIS NAKED BODY ALL OVER, AND CLAIM EVERY KISS FROM HIM TO BE MINE. I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH JOHN, AND SLEEP WITH HIM AFTER. I WANT TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, AND SEE HIM LYING DOWN NEXT TO ME, STILL SLEEPING, AND ME KISSING HIM. I WANT HIM.

NEVER GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN.

WELL, AT LEAST WE'RE STILL "SORT OF FRIENDS", EVEN THOUGH I'M JUST A DICK TO HIM. I ACT LIKE I HATE HIM, AND I WOULDN'T BLAME HIM IF HE HATED ME. I WISH I COULD CHANGE, BUT I GUESS THAT WOULD TAKE A MIRACLE, BUT EVERYONE KNOWS THOSE ARE JUST A BUNCH OF LIES THAT NEVER EXISTED. "LIFE IS FULL OF MIRACLES", HAHA, THAT'S A LOAD OF BULLSHIT. THAT'S WHAT GAMZEE IS WRONG ABOUT. LIFE ISN'T A BUNCH OF MIRACLES. IT'S JUST... ANGER. AND TEARS. IT'S JUST A BIG JOKE PULLED ON EVERYONE, SO WE COULD ALL FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT. WELL, AT LEAST THAT'S HOW I ALWAYS FEEL. LOOK WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? FUCKING SON OF A BITCH. I JUST WANT TO DIE AND BE DONE WITH LIFE ALREADY. BUT, BEFORE I DO THAT, I HOPE I CAN AT LEAST STOP BEING A FUCKING WIMP.

After finishing, Karkat blushed, and thought of John being naked. He would have multiple sex fantasies of him and John, in multiple situations, even during classes, but it would take, well, "motherfucking miracle", for this to ever happen.

He heard his phone beeping.

Message from: arsenicCatnip

Great, what does she want?

arsenicCatnip [AC] started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

AC: :33 *ac perks up adventurously and curls her tail around karkat*

AC: :33 *she wiggles her rear end a bit and says hello there karkitty!*

Karkat smiles a little at her messages. He responds to her, a little involuntarily to roleplay, but that was his special way of talking to the sweet girl.

CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE HAS TO SINK THIS LOW.

CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S ROLE PLAYING WITH AN AUTISTIC WHILE DROWNING IN HIS OWN TEARS AT TEREZI'S.

CG: KARKAT MYSTIFIES IN INFINITE BEFUDDLEMENT OVER THE FACT THAT YOU ARE PRESENTLY ROLE PLAYING WITH HIM. HE ASKS AREN'T YOU GONNA GET IN TROUBLE?

AC: :33 why would i?

AC: :33 i mean *ac asks why would i? curiously*

AC: :33 *ac has a free purriod, thanks to being in the student pouncil*

CG: YES AND KARKAT CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT.

CG: KARKAT THINKS ABOUT THAT A BIT AND WONDERS HOW SHE MANAGES HERR TIME. HE ASKS HOW IS SHE ALMOST FREE FOR EVERYTHING AND YET YOU SHE IS HELPING IN THE ANIMAL SHELTER, THE STUDENT COUNCIL, THE ANIME CLUB, THE COSPLAY GROUP AND THE ART CLUB, YET SHE HAS SO MUCH FREE TIME ON HER HANDS?

CG: WAIT, KARKAT MEANS PAWS.

AC: :33 hehe! *ac shrugs and says well because im purrwerful! and im nepeta ;33*

CG: WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?

AC: :33 im selling a few baked goods in the hallway

AC: :33 we have sold twenty cocoa cutie ones and two trays of brownies!

AC: :33 its good business right now :))

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE GOOD BUSINESS

AC: :33 yup yuppitty yup!

AC: :33 but karkitty why arent you at school? :(( *ac frowns sadly that her furriend isnt with her at school and cuddles him in his lap*

CG: KARKAT ROLLS HIS EYES AND SOFTLY PETS NEPETA ON HER HEAD. KARKAT ANSWERS HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL BECAUSE IT'S FULL OF A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES. WELL, NOT YOU

AC: :33 *ac purrs and nuzzles her head into his hand and licks her paws, stretching out and curling into a furry furriendly ball again*

AC: :33 yay! karkitty we made another sale! :DD

CG: THAT'S GOOD. BUT WHAT ARE YOU SELLING THEM FOR?

AC: :33 im not exactly sure but i think from what kanaya and equius told me it was to raise money furr something

CG: WELL DUH. THAT'S WHY THEY'RE SALES.

AC: :33 brb ill ask kanaya next to me right now!

AC: :33 ok it was to raise money to increase the number of books in the library

AC: :33 thats great! i love books :33

CG: YEAH, I KNOW YOU DO.

AC: :33 well i hope i can see you soon! i miss you a lot already

CG: HEY, I MISS YOU TOO. I JUST CAN'T RIGHT NOW. LIFE'S HARD RIGHT NOW, BUT I PROMISE YOU, SOON I WILL BE AT SCHOOL AGAIN. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

AC: :33 is it about your mom? :((

AC: :33 wait, you dont want to talk about it sorry!

AC: :33 okay, i have to get back to sales now so bye and i love you!

CG: ME TOO.

CG: ABOUT YOU, I MEAN.

AC: :33 hehe! :DD

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Karkat smiled crookedly. He was happy they were still friends, even if they dated for about a week and he decided to call it quits. He thinks she's still pretty much obsessed with him, but whatever. Why not? At least someone still cares. He doesn't want to lose her, or anyone for that matter. He's already made a list of the people he really, really needs. He likes to make lists:

Well, just the top seven:

1: John Egbert, for obvious reasons...

2: Terezi Pyrope, because she loves him and cares for him and she lets him stay with her, he swears, if he was at his house, he would probably be dead already. Terezi is like his sister.

3: Kanaya Maryam, because she's basically like his second mother. Or at least, she sure does treat him like a son. Except she's extra nosy and always wanting to know what's his deal, and always meddles. God, he loved her with all of his heart.

4: Nepeta Leijon, because she still loves him in a romantic way and actually wants to be around him and doesn't make a fuss over his bitchiness. She's the only person that loves him back they he wants John to like him.

5: Gamzee Makara, because even though he's a totally stoned asshole sometimes, he's good to Karkat and he's one of Karkat's best friends. He talks to him from time to time whenever he feels there's no one else to help. Gamzee is always there for him. He's always been there for Karkat. Or at least, he was until recently.

6: Sollux Captor, he talks to Karkat a lot through online gaming. Recently, on this online game called Sburb, which is basically the hot shit right now at school. Sollux is everything Karkat wants to be, he's an awesome hacker, people like him, he's got a hot girlfriend. But he acts like he hates himself, and Karkat is there for him to tell him that he hates himself more Sollux would ever hate himself.

Finally, 7: Jade Harley, though he'd never admit this. It's because she acts like an annoying little sister that bugs him all the time, always wanting to know what's wrong, and yelling at him and telling him to stop being stupid and go for what he wants. One time, he broke down and cried into her arms. She just held him and shushed him, telling him it's all going to be okay.

In a way, he also felt like he needed Eridan too, but for selfish purposes. The fact that Eridan is so desperate for love advice and how he's asking Karkat for help is pretty pathetic of him, and it makes Karkat feel a little better about himself, well, only temporarily. But, he must admit Eridan is actually a really good friend that's just misunderstood, and Karkat would actually cry if something were to happen to him.

But even if Karkat feels he really needs all of these people, he can't help but also feel broken. He hasn't talked to most of them in almost two weeks. He just shut everyone else out except for Terezi. And he feels like shit for doing that. Especially to Jade and Gamzee, because he feels like they're the only two people he had a friendship with that can't be fixed. He doesn't have to worry so much about Nepeta, since she willingly trolls him from time to time. After a few minutes of thinking and hating himself, Karkat slowly fell asleep on the floor. He lay surrounded by scalemates and holding his dear phone closely to him, dreaming of his number one.

===End of Chapter 1===

A/N: So, it is Johnkat! :D Yep. I don't think I need an explanation for shipping this. I really don't. I'm writing this mostly for me but also a friend of mine. So yeah. And more importantly this fanfic will most likely become more and more rated M as we go along if you know what I mean (as if Karkat's little stupid diary wasn't enough.) And okay, that song... I wrote that like approximately two years ago so don't hate. It was pretty bad when I started to play it on my uke and I've haven't edited the lyrics since then. I just thought the song would've related to this fic, so... yeah.

P.S: Next chapter is going to be longer than this one, so I hope you love reading! Hehe... Okay, now I promise I'm done.

-sf