For the Hometown
Note and Disclaimer: I don't own whatever is here except my own work and M*A*S*H is something I never will. Enjoy!
Ahh, who can forget a man's first dresses? That mock pregnancy? When he flew in nothing more than a red bathrobe and pink slippers? Or played at being the Statue of Liberty for General MacArthur? Oh, everybody can remember those things and more. It's all thanks to one man that we can laugh about the extremes someone will go to in order to leave the Army.
Maxwell Q. Klinger was a born genius. He wasn't exaggerating. He was street and book smart, but always used it the wrong way. In his hometown of Toledo, Ohio, his way of thinking got him in and out of trouble so many times that he learned to be slick about his ploys. He also was always getting out of the clutches of the police and attempting to find every get-rich-quick scheme he could get his hands on.
But it all changed quickly. When Klinger was almost twenty-five, he found that the Army wanted him. No sweat, he thought, ignoring the notice and playing pool at the bar until some MPs showed up. He gave his money to a friend and waltzed out, believing that he'd receive a 4-F and remain home. He didn't think that he'd never return to Toledo for some years.
Klinger soon found himself standing naked in a line for inspection. No matter what he did (including hiding in a pay toilet), he couldn't make the Army stamp that 4-F on his file. Within hours, he was fitted for a uniform and shipped out to basic training. Afterward, he was sent to Fort Dix, New Jersey. He wasn't there for long.
Korea was his next destination. Klinger was devastated. It was bad enough that he had to cope without Toledo and its alluring crook of the finger. Now, he was in some country he never heard of before and in a war zone. He was assigned as an orderly and all-around grunt worker. He was always picking up bodies, cleaning up bedpans, serving the nasty food and even walking guard duty for a night or three.
The best part was that, despite being away from Toledo, he had his brains and the outfits to make it happen. One of his many uncles decided to give Klinger an idea. He sent him thousands of yards of fabric, fashion magazines, a book on how to sew and more. In the letter that accompanied this treasure trove, Klinger read about how the Army loved to get rid of the crazy ones. Wearing women's clothing and jewelry was the ticket to Toledo.
And that was how Klinger dealt with the war. He held onto his hometown through the dresses. It was a hope that he clung onto with his very life. Whatever it took to get him to Toledo was the only way to go. Klinger did not care how he got home. He only cared that Toledo was in sight and that he had never to fear anymore.
Oh, the war tore him apart. It didn't matter if he was having some harmless fun to distract himself. Klinger was devastated by what he saw. He could not take his eyes off of the nastiest pieces of art that war had to offer. It wasn't just the soldiers that rotated in and out. Klinger saw the families torn apart, children starving and parents grieving. That broke his heart and made Toledo all the more appealing.
He did what he was best at to keep the blues at bay. He was a con artist. Nobody was going to persuade him that Toledo was a dream and to forget it. It was a place that Klinger could keep sanely. If he could use his escape attempts as a way to keep himself from going over the deep end, then so be it. The Army did not appreciate it (neither did his colonels), but it also meant that they recognized his ingenuity and strength.
Over the course of three years, Klinger toned down on his desire to flee. On the other hand, he reminded himself daily that it was close. Toledo wasn't the best place to grow up in. But it sure as hell was his home and where he'll be staying for the rest of his life. Klinger was no fool. Holding onto his hometown and its pleasures was the best he could have had. Even the feminine disguises were no match for his hometown.
After his war, Klinger found himself married to the woman of his dreams. His vision of returning home had to be delayed to find his in-laws. Once found though, he managed to bring his pregnant bride and her family with him…only to find his own family turning against him. Soon Lee was Korean and the Klinger clan was not friend to one who married outside of their ethnicity.
But his hometown was always on his mind. For a while, Klinger lived with Sherman and Mrs. Potter and imagined the town as it always had been. Even in his new life, Klinger always held onto Toledo as his focal point. He will eventually return. His family will accept his wife and son. That took time and pain.
I am Death though…and there is always a way to me. Maxwell Klinger escaped me in war and did it with style. True, his hometown was the balm after Korea. It never the same as it was before and never again will it be taken away. On the other hand, Klinger will spend his long time improving it, just as he tried in that faraway war so long ago.