An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKourage
Part 1—Riding in Cars With BoysGod, my first new fanfiction since February and I couldn't come up with a better title than this? Ah, well, anyhow, you must all be jumping for joy that I have once again manifested myself in fic form, mustn't you? Of course you must. Well…probably not. But still…I'm happy to be writing again, so I hope that you'll be happy to once again read the products of my poor, sleep-deprived (and currently 'freezy-deprived) brain. You know you love it. My Daddy is nice and hooked up my computer at my house so I don't hafta cry over losing my RealOne playlists! Yeeeeeehaw! My birthday is coming up, so buy me presents! Many, many presents!
OK, on with the story, I suppose. When last we left our heroes and heroines, the fabulous year we've all known for the past five months as 2002 was just beginning. In the KidK universe, therefore, it's still January. January was a nice month. I barely had to go to skool at all…and it snowed…ah, snow and no skool… This story features one of my favorite places in the entire universe, the Lakota Wolf Preserve. Since I know that not many of you live in beautiful New Jersey and that even those who do have probably never heard of this place, may I please direct you to their website? It's www.lakotawolf.com, fittingly enough. If you can bug your parents into taking you, you won't be disappointed. Still, I'll be giving you a pretty thorough description of the place through this story, so you can of course make your own opinions. Lakota Wolf Preserve does not belong to me, but I wish it did…I also do not own anything else in this story (hence its classification as 'fanfiction,' duh). KidK would like to thank her amazing friend, Maniacal Dragon, for helping to inspire the idea for this story during an IM conversation back in March. See, I do not forget my pals! ^_^
The scene is KidK's house, on a lovely cold morning in January. KidK is currently excited out of her mind, because her family and friends are going on a road trip to North Jersey today! Gir is also excited out of his, ahem, mind, but that is of course nothing new.
KidK: Yay yay! Gonna go see all my wolf buddies!
Gir: Arooooooooooooooooooooo!
KidK: Practicing, Gir?
Gir: Yup! Me an' the wolfies are gonna sing good!
KidK: You sure are!
Gir: You too, Missy! Sing with me! Aaaaarooooooooooo!
KidK clears her throat rather dramatically and proceeds to let loose with an uncannily authentic-sounding wolf howl (I can do this--it scares people). It starts low, gets high, and then drops to tenor pitch once more.
Gir (jumping up and down): Woo! Woo! Missy is our lead singer!
Zim (coming upstairs from the lab): What in the name of all that is Irken was that?
Gir: Missy and I were singing!
Zim: I've heard you two sing before—in several languages—and that was not singing. Now are you going to tell me what that horrible noise was, or am I going to have to force it out of you?
Mike-the-Brother (appearing from nowhere): Oh, KidK wants you to force it out of her! Heheheheheheh…
KidK: Don't make me harm you, Mike. You have to be able to use both your legs to hike around the preserve, you know.
Mike-the-Brother: Hiking! Yeah! Try not to get all tired this time, sis. (a new idea crosses his mind) Though I suppose if you do, Johnny won't mind carrying you around!
Zim (taking this the wrong way): He won't lay a finger on her!
Mike-the-Brother: Well, you certainly couldn't lift her, Zim!
KidK (valley-girl voice): Are you, like, calling me fat?
KidK's Mom (in the kitchen): You're not fat, honey. If you lose any more weight, I'll have to take you to the doctor for anorexia!
KidK: Nooooo, not the doctor! I'm scared of him!
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, you poor doomed moron.
Zim: Can we please get back to my question? What in the world were you and Gir doing up here? It was quite disturbing.
KidK: We really were singing! Just in another language—we were practicing our wolf howls.
Zim: Ah, yes, the 'wolves' I've been hearing so much about. I looked them up using my lab's database, and I hardly understand why you'd be so enamored with a snarling fang-beast like that.
KidK: Let me guess, your database responded to your query by having you read 'Little Red Riding Hood.'
Zim: Among other things. Tallest, the one about the sleigh and the human worm babies was…hideous! And we're going to go visit such monsters? Is there adequate fencing?
KidK: Blah, looks like I'm gonna have to set the record straight for you…won't be the first time I've given this speech…
Mike-the-Brother: No, not the 'Wolves Rock and Here's Why' speech!
Gir: Wolfies are rockin'! Whoa, yeah, get down! Arrrooooooo!
KidK's Mom: Now, Missy, we don't have time for that now. If we don't get going soon, we won't get there in time for the 10:30 Wolf Watch.
KidK: Hey, it's not like we can leave yet anyway. We hafta wait until my ride gets here.
Zim: Our ride, you mean. There's no way I'm letting you go anywhere with that guy all alone.
Mike-the-Brother: You won't fit in our car anyway, Zim.
KidK (doing 'the voice' again): Are you calling Zim, like, fat now?
Zim: You weigh twice as much as me, filthy Mike-human! (note: that's not saying much…)
Mike-the-Brother (ironically): And yet you challenge me with fighting words…I was only referring to the fact that there's only room in our car for five people, and Gaz is coming with me. So that only leaves room for one more.
KidK's Mom: I really hope there's enough room for five in Johnny's car, too.
KidK's Dad (emerging from the downstairs): There has to be. How else are we going to get all those mooching kids to Columbia? God, to think I've gotta pay for ten of us!
KidK: It's not my fault you refused to let me drive! 'Nny-kun only volunteered to come in the first place because he's the only other person I trust who has a car!
KidK's Dad: He didn't have to invite that kid—whatshisname…Squeek?—along.
Gir: I invited Squeezy!
KidK: And, if you remember, I'm the one paying for Zim, Dib, Gaz, and Gir, and 'Nny offered to pay for himself and Todd. So you end up only shelling out what you would've if it was just us four. Quit complaining. (I can talk to my Dad like this, becuz we are good friends. ^.^)
KidK's Dad: Oh…right. Well, I've still gotta pay for gas. (frustrated) And we've still gotta wait while your crazy friend gets his skinny rear over here!
Mike-the-Brother: Heh, you mean her crazy boyfriend.
KidK: Mike, you are so lucky that you're going in a different car than me. Because I can guarantee that if you said something like that without the protection of the 'rents, you'd suffer a serious laser wound.
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, Zim's gonna get all vengeful on me for besmirching his girlfriend's reputation?
Zim (veeery disdainful): I wouldn't waste the energy on you.
KidK: Yeah, I meant my own laser. See? (she reaches into her trenchcoat's deep pocket and whips out a really serious-looking Irken laser gun)
Mike-the-Brother (eyes wide): Where did you get that?
Zim (equally shocked): That's an Ultimate Power Blaster 6000! Only the Almighty Tallest are permitted to arm themselves with those!
KidK (ironically): What a coincidence! That's just who I got it from!
Zim: You got it from…? What?!
KidK: Red-sama sent it to me! He's so cool. A little goofy in the head, but cool.
Zim: …how dare you speak of my Tallest like that? 'Goofy?'
KidK's Dad: Can we argue about the mental capacity of your alien strawbosses later? Your little friend is here. Finally.
Gir: Hey, Missy?
KidK: Yes, Gir?
Gir: Let's run down the hill and jump on Squeezy and Johnny-man and say hi!
KidK: Okay! Whee!
Mike-the-Brother: What kind of cereal did you eat this morning?
KidK: Lucky Charms! Let's go, Gir!
Gir: Woo! Blast off at the speed of light! (the two jet out of the house to surprise their pals)
Zim: May the Tallest protect us…
Mike-the-Brother: Well, apparently, Red at least already intends to. Man, Zim, you'd better get your guard up quick before you have yet another love rival on your hands!
Zim: Remember what I said about not wasting the energy of my laser blasters on you? I take it back.
Meanwhile, outside…
Gir (running out of control down the hill): Squeeeeeezyyyyyyyyyy!
Squee: Oh, geez! Rampaging space robot! Yeeeeeeeeee!
Squee takes off running, and is chased by Gir all across the yard. Gir, not having to worry about running out of breath, catches up and leaps on his terrified quarry. This spectacle is watched bemusedly by KidK and 'Nny, who have in the past couple of weeks become quite used to Gir's antics concerning poor little Todd.
'Nny (shaking his head): Just another Gir moment, eh?
KidK: He never ceases to amaze me with his cuteness…and incredible obliviousness to screams of fear.
The two have a little laugh, then smile at each other.
'Nny: Hi, Missy.
KidK: Hallo, 'Nny-kun.
'Nny: …………um…….. (he is suddenly veeery interested in his feet)
KidK: What's wrong?
'Nny: I……
KidK: Oh, come on! You're not still embarrassed about that whole falling asleep on me thing, are you? I don't mind, really! Heck, Zim does that all the time! If I minded people falling asleep all over me, he would've gotten his little green butt kicked out on the street months ago.
'Nny: It's just that…ah, forget it. I can't think of the right words just yet. Anyway, shall we get going?
KidK's Dad (leaning out the door): You'd better! You've still got to pick up those Membrane kids before we can get a move on!
KidK: We can take the hint, Dad! You just worry about your own car, OK?
'Nny: So, who all is riding with us?
Zim (placing himself between KidK and 'Nny): I am.
'Nny: Good.
Zim (not paying attention): Don't even try to talk me out of it—'Good?'
'Nny: Yes, good. Missy should get to ride with her best friend, after all.
Zim: Oh.
KidK: And Dib'll probably want to come with us, too.
Zim: I don't want to spend two hours in a car with the Dib-monkey! The trip to the Zoo was bad enough!
'Nny: Well, that fills up my car…you, me, Squeegee, Zim, and Dib.
Gir (pausing in his terrorizing): Awwwwwww, man! I wanna go with Squeezy!
KidK: Sorry, Gir, but there just isn't room. You can go with Mikey and Gazzy, and Mommy and Daddy too, okay?
Gir (thinking this over): Will I see you and Squeezy and Dibby and Johnny-man and Master when I get there?
KidK: Yes.
Gir: Okay! ^_^ (he skips back into the house to get in the Camry in the garage)
Zim: Gir! Don't forget to put on your disguise!
Gir (calling back): I wiiiiiiiill!
Zim: I never know if he means that he will do as I order or if he will forget to do so.
KidK: He'll do it. That little robot loves you so much…
Squee (from within a bush): Is he gone yet?
KidK (laughing): He's gone, Todd. Come on, let's get in the car.
Squee: Can I sit with you, Missy?
KidK: Oh, yeah, that's right. We'd better figure that all out now so there's no arguments later.
Zim: If you are sitting with the squeeking human child, you'll be in the back, yes? So that leaves one more back seat and the front seat. And I certainly won't permit the Dib-monkey to gain the coveted shotgun.
KidK: Actually, that doesn't seem too bad an idea. You be in shotgun for the ride up, Todd can have the window seat behind you, I'll be in the middle, and Dib'll have the other window. That way, you two will be as far away from each other as possible, and I'll be between you to keep you from getting at each other's throats.
'Nny: That's all well and good, but you must realize that Dib will likely protest Zim's place in the front just as much as Zim would complain if you awarded the seat to Dib.
KidK: Well, they can switch on the way back.
Zim: Dib will never put his inferior human posterior in the front seat!
'Nny (raising an eyebrow in annoyance): Hey, I'm not going to listen to this all the way there and back, okay? It's already starting to grate on my nerves, almost as much as that stupid 7-11 clerk did this morning.
KidK: You mean the creepy fat guy? He always…looks at me. *shudder*
'Nny: He looked at you? Well, it's always nice to find extra justification for one's actions, yes?
KidK: Ahaha…yes. Come on, guys, let's go.
The four get into their prescribed seating arrangement and thus the trip begins. First, of course, the two cars full of people (and Irkens and robots) have to make a quick stop at the Membrane house. Once there, 'Nny gets out of his car to fold his seat forward so's Dib can get into the backseat.
KidK (calling out): Yo, Dibby! You're with us, okay?
Dib (running over): Yeah!
Mike-the-Brother: And Gaz goes with us…so that we may have a backseat battle royale!
KidK's Dad: Am I the only one who thought that sounded a little bit…wrong?
KidK's Mom: Don't corrupt the children, honey.
Gir (now in his dog suit): Can I play too?!
Mike-the-Brother and Gaz: No!
Gir: Okay!
Dib: Um, excuse me, but why is Zim in the front seat?
KidK: Because Todd wants to sit with me. Don't worry, you've been granted shotgun privileges for the ride home.
'Nny: And that's that. Don't make me regret offering my services here.
Dib (slightly fearfully): Oh, no, that's just great! I can't wait! Ahahaha…
KidK: And in the meantime you get to sit with me!
Dib: Neat. (he slides into his seat) Hello, Squee.
Squee: *ulp!* Hello…
Now, finally, it's time for the real trip to start! Won't this be fun? Well…interesting, at least. 'Nny fixes his seat and gets back inside, and the two cars pull away from the curb, with the Camry in the lead, and set off for scenic North Jersey (as opposed to dirty North Jersey ^_^). Within the cream-colored-Camry…
Gir: Can we listen to music, Daddy?
KidK's Dad (absently): Ask your mother.
Gir: Mommy?
KidK's Mom: What station?
Gir: Anything!
KidK's Mom: Okay, All-Angry-Alternative it is, then. Oooo, the new Staind song!
Radio: To my mother, to my father--it's your son or it's your daughter. Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me? Should I turn this up for you?
Mike-the-Brother: No, not that!
Gaz: I don't know…it's not so bad.
Gir (in rapid succession): Why is the man so screamy? Is he mad at his Mommy and Daddy? Why? Is he sad? How come the man is sad, Mommy?
KidK's Mom: Uh oh, Gir Twenty Questions.
KidK's Dad: Turn it off before he asks you to explain what the 'f-word' means.
KidK's Mom: Oh, I forgot! Well, that's going off, then. How about we find the All-Celtic station?
KidK's Dad: Fine.
Mike-the-Brother: But the last time we had that station on in KidK's car, Gir did a jig and totally threw off my aim!
Gaz: Oh, yeah, blame Gir for your humiliating loss, Mike.
Gir: I like to dance! Oh, yeah! (he stands up on the backseat and starts imitating 'Lord of the Dance') Stomp stomp stomp! My feets are out of control! (he hits the wall of the car and falls over into the back of KidK's Dad's seat)
KidK's Dad: Oof! Hey, watch it!
KidK's Mom: Oh, he didn't mean it.
KidK's Dad (pouty): Oh, so now you're going to take his side?
Gaz: This is going to be a very long two hours.
Mike-the-Brother: Ah, just ignore them and play! I'm going to finally beat you today! (he thinks a moment, and shakes his head) I mean I'm going to beat you again today!
Gaz: That new war cry of yours is going to take some getting used to.
Mike-the-Brother: Don't worry, soon you'll be saying 'I'm finally going to beat you again today!'
Gaz (smiling): Don't bet on it.
Mike-the-Brother: Let's go, then!
They begin their first battle of the day, a rollicking game called Lotus Warriors With Martial Arts Fury and Pain (I like making up video game names). Meanwhile, in Johnny C.'s little gray vehicle…
KidK: Why's everybody being so quiet?
Dib: Well, what do you want to talk about?
KidK (thinking it over): Ummmm…have you made anything cool lately?
Dib: I have been working on the prototype for my alien containment chamber. The final product will be huge, but I've already got my tabletop model working to perfection.
Zim: How do you know it works to perfection if it's too small for anything to fit inside?
Dib: So far it's worked on lab mice…but, you know, it's actually probably big enough for you to fit in, Zim, if I stuff you in tight enough! Maybe I don't even have to bother making the bigger version after all.
Zim: You won't get me within a mile of that thing, pitiful earth-stink!
Dib: Oh, so you fear it?
Zim: No, stupid. Why would I fear something that is so obviously inferior and probably malfunctioning?
KidK: Now, boys, this isn't the kind of conversation I had in mind. And see? You're making poor Johnny turn his knuckles white on the steering wheel.
They look at 'Nny's seemingly impassive face, and then down at the steering wheel, which is threatening to snap within his death-grip. The group is plunged back into silence.
Squee: Um…maybe we could listen to some music?
KidK: Good idea, Todd! Hey, 'Nny-kun, have you got any good tapes, or should we just put on the radio?
'Nny: Well, I have some decent classical tapes, but you probably wouldn't want to listen to them.
KidK: I love classical music! I'm a classical pianist, remember? And when Dad went through his 'must collect everything Dvorak, etc.' phase I got to listen to some really cool stuff.
'Nny: I like Beethoven, myself. All that eighteenth and nineteenth century stuff. The older, the better. Those new guys like Stravinsky just don't make any sense.
KidK (getting into this): Stravinsky? Twentieth century poser! Him and that creep Richard Strauss.
'Nny: Oh, god! That guy doesn't deserve to share the same last name as the Johanns!
Squee (trying to get their attention): Um…excuse me? Who?
Dib: I've heard of Beethoven, but…not the other people.
Zim (trying to sound 'expert'): Stupid, stupid Dib. You don't know who the Johanns are? I thought every normal human would recognize the name of such a great family!
'Nny (a bit surprised): You know Johann Strauss and Johann II?
Zim: Of course! They made many good songs that are quite entertaining and…um…heart moving? Right, that's it. Their songs are very moving.
Dib (scoffing): Oh, I'll bet, Zim. Name one of their (air quotes) 'heart moving songs,' then.
Zim (looking preoccupied): I…well…there are just too many for me to pick a favorite! Ahahaha…
Dib: I said 'name one,' not 'name your favorite.'
Zim: I don't have to play your little guessing games, earth monkey.
Dib: That's right, Zim. Just prove how much you don't know.
Zim (outraged): I know everything! (folding his arms and looking disdainful) I just don't feel like telling you.
'Nny: Now stick out your tongue and give him a raspberry.
Zim: What?
'Nny: That's all this childish argument needs to make it complete.
KidK: Come on, guys, it doesn't really matter who knows what about whom. (she really doesn't want 'Nny to get annoyed…)
Squee (thinking): Wow, proper grammar! And I'll bet nobody puts her head in the toilet for saying 'whom.'
KidK: 'Nny, do you have any Schumann?
'Nny (rummaging around): Let me see…hmmm…not up here. It's probably in the trunk somewhere. All I've got in the glove compartment is 'Ode to Joy,' 'Pictures at an Exhibition,' and…our tape.
Zim (suspiciously): Whose tape?
'Nny: Mine and Missy's. She made it for me.
KidK: Oooo, put that on! It's the best mix I've ever made!
Zim: Does it have…Aqua on it?
KidK: Duh!
Zim: *sigh*
Squee: Who's Aqua?
KidK (it's clear she's had too much Lucky Charms): Only the best music group in the universe!!
Dib (more calm): They're a Danish pop band that got famous a few years ago for a song called 'Barbie Girl.'
Squee: Ohhhhh, I remember them. I liked that song, but the other kids at skool made fun of me and said that means I play with dolls. Shmee said to find a Barbie doll and stab them with it, but I thought that would only prove that I play with dolls, so I didn't.
KidK and Dib: o_o ……………
'Nny: Barbie dolls have sharp hands. They're kinda dangerous, actually. (he spaces out a bit, as if he's remembering something) Aha…ahahaha…heheheheheh…that was funny…
KidK and Dib: O_O……………………
Zim: Didn't Gir cry when your Mom said that your Barbies were in the attic and that they were never coming out again?
KidK: Yes. Why?
Zim: Because if they can be used as weapons, they might be worth some…investigation.
KidK: I know Gir would love you forever if you extracted the Barbies from upstairs. In the meantime, why don't you put on the tape, 'Nny-kun?
'Nny: Okie dokie.
He pops 'J & K's Tape of Pointless Happiness' into the car's tape deck and within seconds the little vehicle is saturated with the sounds of…well…pointless happiness.
KidK: Be hap-py!
'Nny: Everybody let's go have some fun!
Zim (shaking his head): I will never understand you people.
KidK: Come on, Todd! Sing along! The lyrics aren't hard at all!
Squee (grinning): OK! Happy boys and happy girls we'll be!
Dib: This is a really good car song, you know?
KidK: All Aqua is good car songs.
'Nny: It's just a shame that I have to stay behind your Dad's car, or we could speed up to match the beat.
KidK: You do that too? Isn't it fun? Hey, you know, how come Dad's driving so slow anyway? I wish my Mom was driving the other car…we'd be there by now.
Zim: Yes, your Mom is certainly a more…excitable driver than your Dad.
Squee (still singing): We are the happy boys and girls! Hee, this is fun!
KidK: Well, 'Nny, we've managed to convert another soul to Aqua-ism…
'Nny: Yeah, only three more and we get a free lunchbox!
KidK: Full of promotional stickers and…peanut butter sammitches!
'Nny: Yay!
Zim: Just how many Lucky Charms did you eat, KidK?
Dib: She had Lucky Charms? Oh, well, that explains it.
KidK (oblivious): Come on let's go get it on!
At about that moment in time, in the car being driven by KidK's Dad, who is a very careful driver…
KidK's Dad (glancing in the rearview mirror): It certainly seems like those guys are having fun…unlike me.
KidK's Mom: Oh, stop complaining. Have a Crème-Saver.
KidK's Dad: Chocolate, please.
KidK's Mom (searching the Life-Saver holder—really the cup holder): I don't see any chocolate ones in here.
KidK's Dad: But I restocked it before we left! I put like ten in there!
KidK's Mom: Well, don't look at me! What, you think I ate your Crème-Savers? You know no one dares touch them since you declared them your favorite flavor! No one who's sane, anyway.
KidK's Dad (pondering this): …………..Gir?!
Gir (engrossed in his fun): Piggy piggy pink pink piggy! Squeek squeek squeek oink oink!
KidK's Dad: Gir!
Mike-the-Brother: Hey, quit yelling, Dad!
Gaz: Yeah, Mr. Mike's Dad! We're playing Mega Music Mayhem, and if we can't hear the songs we can't play!
Gir (continuing his 'song'): Squeeky! Piggy! Oink oink oink!
KidK's Dad: Gir?
Gir (looking up): Yeeeeees, Daddy?
KidK's Dad: Did you eat my chocolate Crème-Savers?
Gir: I had Choc'late Bubblegum!
KidK's Dad: Is that a 'yes?'
Mike-the-Brother: 'Chocolate Bubblegum' is KidK's brainfreezy flavor this week…
KidK's Dad: That doesn't explain where my candy went.
Gir: The pretty stripy circles went in my Choc'late Bubblegum! Oink oink crunchy stripy choco-pig!
KidK's Dad (speechless with rage): ……………………….
KidK's Mom (attempting to diffuse the situation): I might have some in my purse…oh, yes, here's one! Here you go, honey.
KidK's Dad (placated): Unwrap it for me? I can't take both hands off the wheel.
KidK's Mom: You and your 'careful driving.'
KidK's Dad: Would you rather get there in one piece, or would you rather that I unwrap my own Life-Saver?
KidK's Mom (grudgingly unwrapping): Big baby.
Gir: Baby?! Where?! (he leaps into the front seat, onto KidK's Mom) I wanna play with the baby!!
KidK's Mom: No, no, Gir, not a real baby. Daddy's acting like a big baby, though.
KidK's Dad: How long are you gonna be mad at me over the Life-Saver?
KidK's Mom (sarcastically): A pretty long time.
Gir: No babies? Aw, man! (he climbs back into the backseat) Hey, Gazzy, can I play now?
Gaz: Are you kidding? Get lost!
Gir: One time I was lost but then Missy found me in her closet!
Mike-the-Brother: Why in the world were you hiding in KidK's closet?
Gir: It smells nice…
Mike-the-Brother: You're weird, Gir.
Gir: I love you too! And Piggy loves you! Squeek squeaky 'freezy pig!
KidK's Dad (to Mom): We really need to do something about that robot.
KidK's Mom: He's cute.
KidK's Dad: But annoying.
Gir: Are we there yet?
KidK's Dad: *harsh sigh*
Back in 'Nny's car, many of the passengers are amazed to discover yet another of their driver's amazing skills (I repeat words for emphasis ^_^).
'Nny (singing along): Kanashimi ga ima seera sumairu, kiseki wo okosu no seera uingu, dare datte…kagayaku hoshi wo motsu. Makenai!
Dib: Now you know the words to these songs, too?
'Nny (in tune with the song): Yes I do, but I don't have a clue…what I'm singiiiiiiing!
KidK: Hee, neither do I! (singing) Furueru mune ni wa…ano hino himitsuno kisu.
'Nny: Donna ni tsurai…sadamedemo…oitsudukeru kara!
Zim (pouty): Huh. It's not that amazing. (there's that word again! I need a thesaurus)
Dib: Do you know the words, Zim?
Zim: As I said before, I know everything! Do not tempt my wrath, Dib-monkey.
Dib: You don't, do you?
Zim: I do so! She listens to all these stupid songs so much, how can I not?
Dib: I dare you to…(he rethinks this, then continues slyly)…no, I bet you that you can't.
Zim (eyes wide): How much?
Dib: The cost of everyone's lunch today.
Zim: I will take that bet…and I will be triumphant! (he listens to the song for a second, looking for the right point to jump in) Kurashisa ga ima seera aizu, kiseki wo okosu no seera uingu, dare datte unmei no hoshi wo motsu.
KidK: Yeah! Sing it, Zimmy!
Zim (grinning evilly back at Dib): Makenai! Ashita e seera eeru. Zettai! Tsukamaeru seera suta! Kono chikai todoke…gingamade!
Dib: Of course you know that we never actually shook hands on that bet…
Zim (confused): We didn't…so?
Dib: So…a bet's not official until you shake hands.
Squee: S'true. A guy in my class bet me that I wouldn't eat a bug, and he never paid me—and I think he stole my lunch money—because we didn't shake hands. The bug tasted funny.
Zim (very angry—and why not?): Oh you thieving monster Dib! If you have to shake hands to legalize a bet, why did I pay you all that money in Atlantic City?! I would rather be crushed by a meteor in deep space than touch your filthy hand!
Dib: Oh, that. Well, I guess you're just stupid enough to pay me anyway…but I'm not stupid enough to pay you.
'Nny: And so you see the evil of gambling.
KidK: Dad'll probably force me to pay for all your lunches anyway, so it really doesn't matter. Let's sing some more!
Squee: Is the next song in English?
KidK: Yes. It's '99 Red Balloons.'
Squee (happily): I know that one!
KidK: You do? I'm surprised…it's kinda before your time. (pensively) Before my time, really…
Squee: My Dad gives me all his old records he's sick of…he says it 'shuts me up cheaply.'
KidK: That's a mean thing to say…but at least you get to listen to all the good old music.
Squee: I like it—it's not all screamy and it doesn't say things about killing yourself or hating people.
Dib (ironically): No, it just says things about nuclear war being caused by balloons.
Squee: Balloons are scary…clowns have them.
'Nny: Don't even mention clowns. I think I must've had a traumatic experience with them as a child, because every time I see one I just want to… (he trails off, takes a deep breath, and resumes driving calmly)
KidK: You want to what?
'Nny: What? Oh. Nothing. Never mind.
KidK: Every time I see a clown, I wanna push it into traffic.
Squee: Can we talk about something else? Clowns give me nightmares.
KidK: Then let's just sing, OK?
Squee: OK! (singing) This is what we've waited for. This is it, boys—this is war! The President is on the line, as ninety-nine red balloons go by!
Can you tell that I really love that song? Because I do. Over in the Camry, Gir has just made a very important discovery.
Gir: Look! Look, everybody! The sign says 'Land of Make-Beeleeeve.'
Mike-the-Brother: Oh yeah, I forgot about that! Heh, I think it's some kinda lame theme park for toddlers.
Gaz: I think I've been there. But I'm not sure.
KidK's Dad: I'm pretty sure I went there as a kid…but I'm not sure either.
Mike-the-Brother: It must just be so horrible that you've both subconsciously blocked out the memory.
Gir: I wanna go! Can we, Mommy?
KidK's Mom: Not now, Gir.
Gir: Awwwwwwwwwwwww!
KidK's Mom: But Gir! We're going to go see the wolves, remember?
Gir: Oh yeeeaaah…we're gonna sing all day long! Arooooooooooooo!
KidK's Dad: Why'd you have to remind him about that howling?
KidK's Mom: I honestly didn't mean to.
Gaz: Mike, what are you doing? Is your brain in the Land of Make-Believe? You could try to actually play, here.
Mike-the-Brother: What're you talking about, Gaz? You're the one who almost lost because she forgot that tapping B makes it easier to turn curves.
Gaz: I didn't forget! Gir was pulling my hair and messing me up!
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, it's all Gir's fault now?
Gaz: Grrr…don't make me destroy you.
It would appear that the other group has noticed the odd North Jersey-type road signs as well…
KidK (very sarcastically): Heh. Look, guys—if we turn right here we'll end up in the Land of Make-Believe.
Dib: Right. And to the left is Humpty Dumpty's Enchanted Rest Stop. I'm so sure.
KidK: Was that sarcasm, Dib? Because we're actually passing Humpty Dumpty's Enchanted Rest Stop right now.
Dib (looking out the window in shock): Huh. What do you know?
'Nny: I think I might've actually been to the Land of Make-Believe. But I can't quite remember. (rather resentfully) Not that that's anything new.
KidK: My Dad says the same thing…it's just one of those places you go to…and then forget about because it was so stupid.
Zim: Why is that bird wearing a hat?
KidK: It's called 'Mother Goose.' People think dressing animals up in human clothes is cute and will delight kiddies everywhere…
Squee: I used to think that the animals had eaten the people that the clothes belonged to.
'Nny: Didn't they?
KidK: …but really it just scares kiddies everywhere. Incidentally, Dad says that that's where Smokey the Bear got his clothes--eating hapless campers.
Dib (as Smokey): 'Only you can prevent forest fires…but you can't prevent me from devouring you.' Smokey the Bear exists, you know. He's out there somewhere…
Zim (looking around with a tinge of fear): There are bears around here?
Dib: Oh, sure. There're all kinds of wild animals in the forests of…(he narrows his eyes maliciously)…North. Jersey. Why? Are you scaaaaared?
KidK: There aren't any bears.
Zim: See? Some people don't know as much as they think they know, eh…Dib?
Squee: Yeah-huh. There are too bears. We saw a video in skool about it. It was called 'Dangers in Your Own Backyard.' It had these little kids who went outside to play and then the baseball bat and glove came to life and told them about all the horrible things that would happen to them if they went in the woods!
'Nny: Heh. Most of them involved being beaten and strangled to death by talking baseball bats and gloves.
Squee: Um…nope, I don't remember that one. But I do remember that there were bears. And wildcats! And…turtles!
Zim (aghast): Not…turtles! Oh, those slimy shell-beasts are so smug inside their armor! They look at you like they're plotting something and then they just walk around in slow motion…they're making fun of me!
'Nny: Turtles, eh? I always thought they were in league with the squirrels…
KidK: Nah, squirrels are the ultimate evil. They purposely try to get cars to crash.
Squee: I saw that commercial!
'Nny (eyes wide): They watch me, you know.
Dib (leaning over to talk to 'Nny): Are they paranormal squirrels? Do they glow in the dark? Or talk? Can they talk? What do they say? Are they from outer space? I'll bet they're from outer space.
Zim: So there are going to be bears, wildcats, turtles, and radioactive monster squirrels where we are going, on top of the fact that there are wolves? Remind me never to go anywhere with you again.
Dib and 'Nny: OK.
Zim: Good…hey, was that supposed to be an insult? No one insults the mighty Zim!
Dib (ignoring him): So, Johnny…about these squirrels…
KidK: Well, Todd, you opened up a huge can o' worms with that one.
Squee: The bears scare me, Missy.
KidK: Don't worry. I'm sure that by this time, all the bears are hibernating. OK?
Squee: OK. Missy?
KidK: Mmmhmm?
Squee: Do the turtles really--
KidK (cutting him off): No, Zimmy's just a little paranoid about his mission.
Squee: He's an alien, huh.
KidK: Yes.
Squee: Is he gonna take over our planet and enslave all mankind?
KidK: It all depends. Dib always tries to stop him, and Gir's always messing things up…but if he ever does succeed, I'll make sure that you're on the list of people who don't get enslaved.
Squee: Well, in that case, I hope Zim wins! That way, he can tell all the kids at skool not to put my books in the trash anymore!
Zim (who has been listening this whole time): Ha! Hear that, Dib?
Dib (still not paying attention): …so they want to know your secrets…but why? Oh, what do you want, Zim?
Zim: Just to tell you that you've lost yet another ally in our great battle for the fate of this piece of rock. Not that you had any chance of defeating me anyway.
Dib: What do you mean, 'yet another ally?'
Zim: The Squeek-human is on my side now! And you already knew that KidK is one of my loyal followers.
Dib: That's not true! Squee doesn't really want you taking over! And neither does KidK! Especially not KidK!
Zim: And why not? They have seen that I am the superior being.
Dib: 'Superior being?' Ha! You're nothing more than a two-and-a-half foot tall loser, Zim! Superior to what? Chipmunks?
Zim: Filthy dirt monkey! You underestimate my awesome prowess!!! I am two feet nine inches tall!
Dib: Are we supposed to be impressed? When all you've done is fail miserably at my hands? (he shakes his head) Sometimes I really don't understand why I even bother to fight against you anymore.
Zim: Fine then! Don't! It doesn't matter to me anyway, since you are only a mild annoyance in the first place! With or without your interference, I will soon rule your putrid planet!
Dib: And you think that KidK approves of this? It's her planet too! KidK, tell him that he's a moron and that you'd never want to see your species dominated by alien forces!
KidK (opening her mouth to speak): I--
Zim: KidK is my partner in doom, Dib. Got that? Mine. Not yours.
'Nny (quietly and deliberately): People don't belong to other people. You have no right to talk about Missy as if she's a commodity. Now shut up and just listen to the music before I really put an end to this discussion.
Zim and Dib shut up fast, as they have a pretty good idea about what Johnny means by 'putting an end to the discussion.' And so, they make a few final faces at each other and then keep quiet. After several minutes of this…
Squee (very softly): I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--
'Nny: S'okay, Squeegee. Not your fault…go ahead and sing along again, if you want.
KidK: If you know '99 Red Balloons,' you must know 'Heart of Glass.'
Squee: I do. But are you sure it's OK?
KidK: Of course. We should be almost there anyway, so there's no sense in stopping now. *sigh* I remember the last time I sang this song with somebody. It was…nine months ago. Wow, can you believe that Dib? It's been nine months since we sang this together.
Dib: You know, you're right. Feels like it was just a few days ago! Let's sing it together again, for old time's sake.
Zim (always ready for a fight): You already had your chance, Dib-monkey. It's my turn to sing it with KidK.
Dib: But you'll just screw up the lyrics! And you don't have the right kind of voice for this song at all!
Zim: What?! My voice is perfect for all songs! My voice rules over all other voices!
Dib: Yeah, right. That's why KidK sang it with me.
'Nny: You know, guys, I'd threaten you again, but it'd just be a waste of breath. (without taking his eyes off the road, he points his thumb in the direction of the backseat)
KidK and Squee (singing happily): Lost inside a gullible illusion and I cannot hide. I'm the one you're usin'—please don't push me aside. We coulda made it cruisin', yeah…
'Nny: See?
Zim: Hmf…
Dib: Huh.
The other car, which we haven't visited in a while, is also full of music as Gir annoys the spit out of his 'Mommy and Daddy.'
Gir (screeching at the top of his lungs): Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm comin' up, so you better get this party started!
KidK's Mom: Gir, could you please keep it down?
Gir: Boo-lee-vard is freakin' as I'm comin' up fast, I'll be burnin' rubber you'll be kissin' my—
KidK's Mom (quite loudly): Gir, that's enough!
Gir: Aw, man! But Pinky's just comin' up to my favorite part! Pleeeeeeze lemme sing, Mommy?
KidK's Mom: *sigh* Go—
KidK's Dad: No way! You've gotta show that thing who's boss! That's the only way to get respect as a parent!
Gaz: …and that's why Super Super Slash 3 is twice as cool as Super Super Slash 2.
Mike-the-Brother (all in one breath): DadcanIhaveSuperSuperSlash3?
KidK's Dad: Where can I go to get it for you? (he realizes what's just happened) Before you say anything, honey, don't.
KidK's Mom: Haa…
Gir: Pumpin' up the volume wit' this brand new beat, everybody's dancin' an' they're dancin' for me!
Mike-the-Brother: And to think that I was once the one who liked this song…hey, aren't we supposed to be there by now?
KidK's Mom: We would be if your father wasn't so obsessed with staying in the slow lane on highways…
KidK's Dad: Come to think of it, we should probably be coming up on the final turn sometime soon.
Mike-the-Brother: 'Come to think of it?' You weren't thinking of it?
KidK's Dad (mock-sappily): No, I was thinking of all the wonderful presents I can buy for my respectful and caring son.
Mike-the-Brother (equally sarcastic): Oh, thanks Dad. I reeeeeally appreciate it.
KidK's Dad: Now, you guys are gonna hafta help me a little bit here, since I don't really remember exactly where the turn is, and I think it's one of those 'hidden driveway' things. Look for a left turn that says 'Mount Pleasant Road.'
KidK's Mom: Should I call the kids and tell them to look too?
KidK's Dad: Why? They have to follow me anyhow. Even if they see it, we'll be past it before they can let us know.
KidK's Mom: We could make up a special hand signal.
KidK's Dad: Oh, well then, by all means go ahead.
KidK's Mom: I was going to anyway.
She picks up her cell phone and dials—now you can picture one of those splitscreen things to make it easier on your poor brain and mine.
KidK: Hey, my phone's ringin'! (she clicks the answer button) Hallo, who is this?
KidK's Mom: It's me! Who else would it be?
KidK: Just pullin' the same thing you always pull on me when I call you, Mommy. What's up?
Dib (in the background): *snicker* Mommy?
KidK's Mom: Just wanted to let you know that we'll be getting there soon but that your father doesn't know where he's going so you have to help him look for the turn.
KidK's Dad (likewise in the background): Hey, I know where I'm going!
KidK's Mom (ignoring him): It's called Mount Pleasant Road, so look for the sign and if you see it then wave and we'll know to turn.
KidK: Somehow I doubt this is going to work, but OK. See you in a few, then.
KidK's Mom: Bye! (they both hang up)
KidK: Mom says we've gotta look for a sign that says 'Mount Pleasant Road' and to wave if we see—'Nny-kun, what're you doing?
'Nny: Waving. That turn was two miles back.
KidK: Oh. Uh oh. (grinning) Heh. Yet another road trip adventure with Dad. Wonder if he's noticed yet.
Flash to the Camry!
KidK's Dad: What's that kid doing? We haven't passed any left turns since you got off the phone with Missy! Is he making fun of me?!
Gaz: What road were we looking for again?
KidK's Dad: Mount Pleasant Road.
Gaz (dismissively): Oh, that was a couple miles ago, wasn't it?
KidK's Mom: --
KidK's Dad: Do not say a word.
Mike-the-Brother: Hey, now what're we gonna do?
KidK's Dad (looking around for options): We're gonna do…something possibly illegal!
Mike-the-Brother: Woohoo!
KidK's Mom: You don't mean a sudden U-turn? (she notices the wild gleam in her husband's eyes) Oh, honey, no! What if the kids don't catch on quick enough and can't follow us?
KidK's Dad: Did you get a good look at Missy's little comic book friend? I think he can do it. See that turn-off down there? That's where we'll do it.
Mike-the-Brother: Hold on tight, Gaz—Dad's gonna do something cool!
Gaz (unimpressed): Really.
When the Camry reaches the aforementioned turn-off, KidK's Dad suddenly banks sharply to the left, turning the steering wheel quickly to send the car into a tight half-circle. Thus the car ends up completely turned around from its starting point in the left lane of the northbound side to the left lane of the southbound side. All this occurs in the space of a few seconds. During those same few seconds, in the little gray car following behind…
KidK: Oh, cripes! He's not going to—he is, isn't he.
Dib: What? What?
KidK: Illegal U-turn. Dad's signature move when he doesn't have a clue where he is. Can you follow him, 'Nny-kun?
'Nny: Do birds fly, Missy?
Squee: Penguins don't. I don't think ostriches can, either.
Zim (pointing accusingly at Johnny): Be careful, 'Nny-human, or something horrible might happen to me!
Johnny ignores these comments and, just a split second after KidK's Dad makes his turnaround, spins his own steering wheel, throwing the car into a sharp curve—but not sharp enough. The car follows its arc across both lanes of the northbound highway, catching some passing vehicles by surprise as it slides across traffic.
Zim: We're going to dieeeeeeeeeeeeee! I hate you, 'Nny-humaaaaaaaan!
Squee (burying his head in KidK's arm): *squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!*
Dib: Oh my God!
KidK (laughing brainlessly): Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
There is a bump as the tires hit the grass on the other side of the highway, skidding and throwing up dirt before the car makes its way back onto the highway.
KidK: That was fun! Can we go again?
Dib: Shouldn't the Lucky Charms have worn off by now…?
Zim (panting in terror): How…could that…happen?! You are…the worst driver…on this stupid planet…and that's saying a lot…since I've ridden in a car with…KidK's Mom! You stupid…stupid—
'Nny (shrugging): We're all alive and on our way, aren't we? And if I could throw a bit of fear into you in the process, well…how could I pass up that chance? (he throws Zim a half-mocking glance out of the corner of his eye, a bemused smile playing on his lips)
Zim: You did that on purpose?! How dare you toy with the almighty Zim?!
Dib: Heh. Almighty Zim was screaming for his mommy.
KidK: Zimmy is cute when he's all screamy. 'Nny, if you really did mean to do that, and yet you managed not to get us killed crossing two lanes of highway traffic, then you are just as good a driver as my Dad.
'Nny: I shouldn't tell him that, if I were you. Anyone who makes illegal U-turns like that probably covets his role as master of the highway.
KidK: True, true. Well, here's our turn…for the second time. Hey, you all right, Todd?
Squee (detaching himself): Umm…yes, I think. Yes.
KidK: Cool. Just a couple more miles of fun roller coaster-type hills and we're there.
Squee: Hills? (he renews his grip on KidK's arm) *squee*
KidK: Aw, it's not so bad…
Flash to the other car!
Gaz: You call these hills, Mike?
Mike-the-Brother (sheepishly): They seemed bigger before.
KidK's Dad: Is this it? Is it?
KidK's Mom: The sign says 'Lakota Wolf,' honey. What else would it be? Besides, I recognize the parking lot. (frowning) Or lack thereof.
KidK's Dad pulls his car into the dirt-and-stone parking lot of what the big sign outside proclaims to be Camp Taylor Campground—Home of Lakota Wolf Preserve. Johnny's car follows suit, and the road warriors finally reach their destination.
Gir (leaping out of the Camry): Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! We're heeeeeeeeeeere! (he bounds over to the other car) I missed you, Missy! I missed you, Master! I missed you, Johnny-man! I missed you, Dibby! I missed you…Squeezyyyyyyyy! (he runs toward Squee)
Squee: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! (he dashes away, leading Gir in circles)
Mike-the-Brother (unfolding himself and stretching): Man! It feels good to stand up!
Gaz: Whatever. (she looks around) Huh. Trees. Cool. (she goes back to playing her GameBoy)
KidK: Well, boys, here we are!
Dib: A campground general store?
KidK: This is where we sign in! And then the fun really begins! (she grins maniacally)
Zim: I do not like that look, KidK. Whenever you smile like that I get injured somehow.
'Nny: Heh. Fun indeed.
Squee (stopping short): Uh oh…
KidK: Nah, don't worry Todd. We're gonna go see the wolves!
Gir: Woo hoooooooooooo! Aarrroooooooooooooooooooo!
KidK: Yeah, Gir! Time to make some wild music, mah homey!
Dib: Hmmm…they must be making Lucky Charms more potent now.
Mike-the-Brother: She ate a lot.
Dib: Oh. Well then.
KidK: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go sign up!
Our Heroes Have Arrived at Lakota Wolf Preserve! But The Fun is Just Starting! What Horrors and Delights Await Them in the Forests of…Bum Bum Bummmmm…North Jersey? Find Out in the Next Installment of 'Road Trip…of DOOM!'