Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. It all belongs to Dick Wolf. But then, you knew that already.

This oneshot is post-Loss but pre-Ghost. Obviously A/O. Enjoy!

"Happy birthday, Olivia," says Alex, rolling over in their bed to face her girlfriend. She plants a chaste kiss on Olivia's lips before leaning back and smirking.

Olivia pouts at the withdrawal of physical contact, but then smiles. "Thank you, Alex," she says politely before leaning forward to give Alex a *real* kiss, soft and sweet, her lips parting to accept Alex's tongue.

Finally oxygen becomes a necessity and they break apart, gazing into each other's eyes. Alex is the first to break the silence. "Do you want your present?"

Olivia laughs. "That was my present, wasn't it?"

Alex shakes her head. "Of course not. That was just . . . an added bonus."

Olivia presses another kiss to her lips. "I love you, Alex," she says sweetly.

The ADA laughs. Climbing off the bed, she goes to the closet and takes out a box. Handing it to Olivia, she urges, "Open it."

"What is it?" questions the detective, looking at the box in wonderment.

"It's a box," replies Alex with a smile. "Isn't it beautiful?"

Grinning, Olivia starts to gently unwrap her gift. She pulls off the tape that's sealing the box and lifts her present out of it.

It's a doll, a beautiful American Girl Doll with long blonde hair and blue eyes. She's wearing a sundress and sandals and her hair is secured with a headband. Olivia stares at her present in awe, then looks up at Alex.

Alex bites her lip, smiling shyly. "You told me you always wanted a doll because you never had one before. So I got you one. Is – is that okay?"

Olivia grins and wraps her arms around Alex. "It's perfect. I'm going to name her Alex." She lets go of the ADA and squeezes her doll tightly. "And every time I hug her, I'll be reminded of you."

Olivia rolls onto her side, hugging the doll to her chest and trying to blink back her tears. Her window is open and the world seems so vast, an endless stretch of darkness. It's on nights like this when she misses Alex most, because she seems so far away. Olivia doesn't even know where her girlfriend is right now, or even if she's still alive, if Velez hasn't found her and finished the job. She misses Alex so much, and it's on nights like this when the profound sense of loss threatens to overwhelm her.

There are a hundred of different ways of self-destruction, and Olivia's tried them all. There's the cool slice of the sharp razor that she used as a teenager, when she was a screwed up little kid who didn't know any better. But twenty years ago, she promised herself never again, and so much as she wants to, she won't. There's the way she forces herself to bring back up every morsel she eats, because she hates herself so much. This is a new one; it only started when Alex left, because she knows Alex's near-death experience was her fault. She's a cop and so she should have been able to protect the woman she loves, at the very least. But she couldn't even do that, and so she'd failed miserably. And this is her way of punishing herself.

And then there's the way she won't allow herself to let go of the past, the way she refuses to move on. The way she continues to replay in her head every single moment spent with Alex, every little kiss, every little touch, every little whisper in the dark.

She knows in her head that there are better ways to deal with the emptiness inside her heart, the space that won't be filled until Alex is by her side again, holding her and loving her, her arms erecting a cocoon of safety around the detective who's never had anyone do that for her before. Huang tried to help her in the weeks after Alex's "death", but she pushed him away, and finally he gave up, assuming she would seek him out herself if she needed it.

She won't, though. All she can do right now is hug her doll and pretend that it's Alex.

So I hope you enjoyed it. Review if you did!