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T for swearing, sexual mentions - no sexual activity - and saddy sad sad. but also funny. #bantz
I am not gay.
I definitely like girls. Hell, loved girls sometimes. See: Quinn Fabray and briefly Rachel Berry.
I mean, sure, I've noticed boys. If they were pretty, or hot, or how big their arms were, or how nice their butts looked in jeans.
Not gay. Just... Observant.
And sure, I had noticed Kurt before. Many times, actually. He noticed how pretty his cheekbones were, how cute his little, upturned nose was, and how his eyes changed colors when he got mad, or happy. How mad it made me when he found out that Karofsky totally face raped him. How protective I felt over him. How jealous I was of Karofsky that day.
But that didn't make me gay. It made me... A good brother. Yeah, brother. I just love my brother, in a totally straight, manly way.
Football. Cars. Sports. Straightness. Grrr, manly.
Yep, that's me. Straight as a pole.
It always made his stomach swoop funnily when Kurt would flirt with me in sophomore year, or look at me that way.
I thought it was because Kurt was gay, and it was a little weird. Not that I am homophobic or anything. No, on the contrary, I'm totally all for the gays. Girls or guys. Both were hot.
I mean what
I was too busy sophomore year to actually think about how pretty Kurt was. Sure, it'd come up in some... Late nights spent alone, don't need to be any more blatant than that, but with Quinn, and Baby Drizzle, and Puck, and Rachel, I was just too overwhelmed.
Until, Junior year.
That was when I really started noticing. How cute it was when Kurt got excited, jumping up and down and clapping his hands, or how high his voice got when he was annoyed. I want to make Kurt's voice go that high, by-
OKAY. NOT GAY. I WAS TALKING ABOUT... ABOUT FOOTBALL. NOT FONDLING MY BROTHER.
I noticed how nice Kurt is to Britt, telling her how smart she was. Or how he'd deal with Rachel's overdramatic-ness more than anyone, and how much she relied on him.
Kurt would always help me with homework too. And he was so, so patient. Which was nice, because I'm pretty stupid sometimes. Though, Kurt told me I wasn't stupid. He told me I was 'unconventionally smart'. I don't know what 'unconventionally' means, but it made my stomach do a little flip when he said it. I probably had to poop?
But, a lot of things that Kurt does makes my stomach do that little flippy flip. Maybe Kurt makes me have to poop.
Oh god.
I am in way too deep.
Then came Blaine.
Blaine made Kurt's cheeks go all pink, and his voice go all softy and breath-y. Like he was when he used to talk to me, last year.
For some reason, I didn't like it.
There was a million reasons for me to not like Blaine. He wasn't good enough for Kurt, probably, he was too short, he was a know it all, and he totally stole Kurt away from me.
Woah.
In a brotherly way. He got a lot of Kurt's attention. Not like, stole Kurt away in a chick-flick way.
I am not gay.
And the worst part was, Kurt would never shut up about this boy. Blaine this, and Blaine that. No, the worst part was that I couldn't stop listening.
I knew that he was falling in love the day he came home, squealing that Blaine had kissed him.
And then it really started sucking.
They were just so... Good together. It drove me insane. And I didn't even know why.
But to think about him touching Kurt, and holding him, and kissing him, and making love to him-
I have to stop, or I'll be sick.
And they were still dating when Kurt came back to McKinely. I thought they'd have broken up by then, the whole long distance thing or whatever. But no, the dumb hobbit had come to McKinely and sung a showy song to Kurt.
I tasted bile through the entire thing. He wasn't that good.
And they spent the stupid summer together, and I got to listen to giggly phone calls through the vents, and stupid, breathless stories, and I pretended to be happy for him.
I hate Blaine Anderson.
And then, to top it all off? I walk into Glee practice, and the little hobbit was sitting in my classroom! Like he owned the fucking place!
Then he started making suggestions and acting like he was in the group! Who decided that?! Okay, Mr. Shuester did, but that didn't mean he was! And Kurt would you stop looking at him like that my god get a fucking room. No, actually, don't.
Kurt got mad at me for being rude to Blaine. Told me to go talk to him. I made up some excuse about Glee club, because honestly, I didn't really know why I didn't like him so much. I just didn't, okay?!
And then I saw them in the halls together, or giggling in the choir room, or behind the bleachers, or at lunch, and it got to be too much all together.
But there was more. Kurt came home and blabbered about loosing his virginity to this asshole, and I just gritted my cheek and acted excited and happy.
In reality, I was ready to fucking kill this boy.
Is it bad that I was happy when they broke up? No, they broke up in the worst way. But I didn't know that then, I just thought they had a fight, and then Blaine flew home. But when I found out.
Let's just say, Blaine Anderson looks a lot less pretty with a black eye and a busted lip.
He didn't tell anyone who beat him up, but I'm pretty sure everyone knew. Even Brittany, for god's sake.
And then, Kurt was Blaine free. And it was awesome.
I called him like, every night. And we talked like we used to in Sophomore and Junior year. We were brothers again, and he was totally better off without Blaine. I mean, if I had Kurt, I'd never cheat on him. He was the most amazing, talented, honest-
But I'd never have Kurt. Not like that. That was gay.
I am not gay.
But my bliss didn't last long. Because they were back together again by the end of the school year, and then they sang a cheesy love song, and there was a marching band and all that shit.
And I felt miserable, for some reason. Even though Kurt seemed happier now. It just made me... Upset.
And to top it off, engaged. With a big, over-elaborate proposal that I was forced to watch and smile through. Kurt seemed to eat it up, though. But when Blaine asked him, I swear, he glanced at me.
Probably not.
I forgot all the details after that. They fought, they got back together, they fought, a bunch of unneeded drama, whatever. I hardly listened to the Blaine parts of Kurt's phone calls.
So I dated. I dated Rachel again, I dated Tina a bit, I dated Mercedes a bit, and I dated a girl I met at the shop named Lizzy.
And Lizzy was my date for their wedding.
God, the entire place screamed Kurt. It was obvious that he had planned it, if not a bit of Blaine's decision making in there I could see. It was in a nice building, not a church, with white flowers, and beautiful fairy lights, and amazing dresses on all the girls.
I was Kurt's best man. Which hurt, and was flattering at the same time.
And god, Kurt looked amazing strolling down the isle. Blaine better be crying. I couldn't see him from my angle.
And god, I wish I was in Blaine's spot.
And there and then, I realized, as Kurt Hummel was making vows to another man, that I had been madly in love with him for the past six years.
And it was too late.
Oh, right, what was the question?
oh
I might be gay.