Chipped
All Olivia could see when she closed her eyes was William Lewis. The psychopath that had terrorized, kidnapped and assaulted her twize in the past year. Even though it had been over six months since the last attack she could still smell him, see him and hear him everywhere. In a busy supermarket, the squad room and even her own apartment didn't feel safe anymore. He had ruined everything. Her whole life was a mess. Her thoughts, her feelings and her focus were all jumbled up, mixed together and troublesome. Things like this didn't happen to her! It happened to other people, the people she helped every day at the station, to face their demons and to put the perps away so they can never hurt anybody else ever again. Bad people.
This was not the life she wanted but he had made it this way and she hated him for it. He had taken everything from her. She felt broken and fragile, her mind was constantly playing the horrible ordeals in front of her, like a puppet show on repeat. There was no escaping it. All she could do was to try and dull the memories, and the pain that came with them, by drinking herself into a stupor until she even forgot her own name and integrity.
Nothing was or felt the same ever since he had laid his hands on her, berating her, beating her down in so many ways Liv didn't know was possible, breaking her, piece by piece, in a slow agonizingly and humiliating way. He owned her now. Her whole existence evolved around him and his sick mind. Even in the afterlife he was haunting her constantly, hiding in every corner, every nook and cranny and in every crack on the walls around her. He was everywhere. An uninvited demonic creature.
Olivia had lost count on how many drinks she had had since she stepped her foot inside the god forsaken pub she was now sitting in, thinking but trying not to, and unsuccessfully drowning her feelings and spinning thoughts in a bottle of scotch. She poured herself another one and realised that she must have had quite a few judging by the tremor in her hands. She didn't care. Instead she knocked it back in one swallow and repeated the procedure yet again.
"Whoa, easy there!" a low soothing voice and a warm presence appeared out of nowhere and a firm hand got a hold of the bottle before she could pour herself another.
Brown eyes blinked rapidly to clear her blurry vision but it didn't help very much. All she could make out was blonde softly curled hair and blue shimmery eyes that held caution and concern.
"Manda?" Liv slurred. She never called her Manda but the alcohol had already taken it's toll on her vocal abilities.
Amanda placed a hand on Liv's upper back and grabbed her purse in the other. "Come on, let me take you home. I think you've had enough." she wasn't judgmental, boy was she the last person to judge people.
"No," the brunette slurred again and pulled away from Amanda's touch, causing her to sway and almost fall flat on her face but the blonde was quick in her actions and steadied the taller woman, helping her to get her bearings back. "I don't like my home anymore."
The way her, usually strong and stoic sergeant spoke, sounded almost like a small child and Amanda couldn't help but to feel it tug at her heart when she saw the pained look in Liv's eyes. She doesn't feel safe at home anymore. Amanda thought and again helped Olivia to stand straight and keep her upright. "I'll take you to my place then." the petite blonde suggested with a comforting smile and began to lead the older detective through the bar towards the exit.
Liv didn't argue, at least not verbally, except for a few grunts and sighs here and there and when Amanda pulled up in front of her apartment building she wished she lived on the bottom level. "Okay, we're here. Stay where you are, I'll come around and help you."
Olivia had already unbuckled her seat belt and opened the door. When Amanda rounded the front of her car she stopped dead in her tracks as she saw the brunette empty her stomach of the majority of alcohol she had consumed. "Dear lord." she mumbled to herself and approached the heaving woman, brushing her hair back to avoid getting any vomit in it. "You're okay." Amanda soothed, "you're okay. Just let it come out and you'll feel better afterwards, I promise."
When Liv finished she was drained and shaking from dehydration. Tear marks were evident on her flushed cheeks and she was pure and utterly exhausted. "Sorry." she mumbled and let her tears fall shamelessly. She was too tired to care how pathetic, weak and vulnerable she must look to the blonde detective. "I'm sorry." she repeated in a whimper.
Amanda wrapped an arm around the woman's waiste and helped her out of the car. "You've nothing to be sorry for, darlin." she soothed in her thick Georgian accent. "Let's get you inside and into bed, uh?"
Luckily there was an elevator in the building so she wouldn't have to drag the drunken woman up four flights of stairs. Not until they were standing outside the door did Liv sober up for only a couple of seconds. "This is not where I live!"
The blonde had to smile at the obvious confusion Liv was portraying and she couldn't help but to chuckle at the childlike statement. "That's right. This is where I live and you are staying here tonight, no arguments."
To her surprise there were no arguments. Liv entered the apartment with Amanda's help and somehow she managed to get her into the bedroom to sit on her unmade bed. "I'm gonna get you something to sleep in, just stay put." quickly Amanda found an oversized t-shirt, a pair of warm flannel bottoms and some woolly bed socks. Turning to face the half asleep brunette, she realised that she would probably have to do the undressing bit herself judging by Olivia's intoxicated state. "Great." she mumbled and made her way over.
"Do you need a hand or are you okay doing this yourself?" Amanda asked as she held the clothes out for Liv to take.
Brown eyes studied the garments before looking up into Amanda's soft blue eyes, oblivious to what was going on around her "Ugh?"
Sighing softly, Amanda placed the clothes on the bed and gestured to Olivia to raise her arms so she could get the t-shirt on her instead. She tried not to look at the perfectly curvaceous body in front of her but it appeared to be easier said than done. Her tanned skin looked like it was glowing in the dimmed light, her toned arms and stomach were a temptation like no other and the swell of two perfectly round breasts were staring at her, almost begging her to reach out and touch them.
She would never do such a thing. Not in the state Olivia was in now or any other state for that matter. She needed her as a friend right now, nothing more, nothing less. Being there for Liv was the only thing on her mind right now and she had to shake her head to clear it and tear her eyes off her chest. The t-shirt was big, even on the taller woman and the blonde debated whether she should take her bra off or not. Knowing from personal experience, sleeping with a bra on was not comfortable in any way. Slowly she wrapped her arms around Liv's upper body, slid her hands under the material of the t-shirt and unhooked the garment, feeling it release, and somehow got the straps down her shoulders and removed it completely without invading Liv's privacy or dignity.
Great. T-shirt off. Now pants. Oh boy! She thought and stood back slightly. "Put your arms around my neck and I'll help you up and out of these jeans, okay?"
Olivia's arms were like jelly but after a while they were securely wrapped around Amanda's slender neck. Swiftly she unbuttoned the tight black jeans, sat Olivia back down and slid them down her muscular long legs. The blonde didn't even dare to look at Liv's bottom half so she quickly helped her to put the pants on to cover up her gorgeous body and then slid the socks on to her cold feet. "Think you can sit here for two minutes while I get you some water and some Tylenol?" Liv just nodded weakly.
Amanda retrieved the items plus a garbage can, incase the sick woman had to vomit again, a basin with warm water and a cloth. "Take these and drink as much water as you can. It's important to keep you hydrated." she had to hold the glass steady due to Olivia's shaking hands but she was pleased to see that she drank almost all the water. "That's good, sweetie." the endearment slipped but Liv didn't notice it and if she did she didn't seem to mind. "Now, lay down and try to get some sleep. I'll be right here." she promised and wet the cloth in the lukewarm water.
Olivia was only partly aware of what was going on. Her vision was a bit clearer after the vomiting but she still felt like crap and her head pounded like a sledgehammer. She groaned pitifully but suddenly felt a warm hand on her face, gently brushing away stray tresses from her forehead and temples. Another groan escaped her lips when a warm wet cloth tenderly wiped at her face, removing the tear marks, the smudged make up and the light sheen of sweat that had formed on her features after the violent vomiting.
She opened her eyes and was met with Amanda's concerned and caring face, looking down at her as she continued to clean her smeared cheeks and neck. The gentle touch of Amanda brought tears to her eyes and she turned her head to the side and closed her eyes. "I don't deserve your kindness." she cried softly.
The petite woman set the basin on the nightstand and brought Liv's head back, to look at her, with gentle finger. "Hey, shhh. Why on earth makes you say that?"
Liv struggled to keep it together. She hated the thought of completely breaking down in front of one of her employees and squad member but right now she had so little fight left in her and just couldn't seem to control her tears as they streamed freely down her face and onto the pillow underneath her. "I... I was so rude to you when you first started working here and I'm so sorry for that. I... I... I just couldn't cope with so many changes at the same time and... and... and Elliot handed in his papers and... and everything just changed and... and I don't deserve your kindness."
Amanda smiled gently and ran her knuckles down Olivia's damp cheek, wiping at the tears with her thumb. "You deserve kindness, Olivia. You deserve so much kindness. You're always so strong and in control all the time and we both know that that's not how things work. Sooner or later you will explode and lose that control whether you like it or not. And concidering everything that you've been through, I'm surprised that you kept it together for so long." she stroked the face beneath her and watched as Olivia's face crumbled and her whole body shook from the forceful sobs. "I'm sorry... I can't... I can't... I don't know how to... I just..."
"Hey sweetheart, shhhh, shhh, you're okay, darlin. Everything is gonna be okay." Amanda couldn't just sit there and do nothing so she made a bold decision. Lifting up the covers she scooted in next to the crying detective and brought her close to her own body. "Shhh, you have nothing to be sorry for, sweets. Nothing at all. Just close your eyes an try to sleep. I promise I'll be here."
To Amanda's surprise, the brunette curled up into a tight ball in her arms and cried even harder. "I'm broken, Amanda. I'm broken. He broke me." her cries were of anguish and despair, almost animal like and Amanda could feel her own eyes filling up.
"Hey hey, stop that." the blonde said gently. "You are not broken Olivia Benson. You are not broken. Nothing can break you, not even a sick, twisted disgusting psychopath like him. Don't let him win, you hear me? Don't let him win. Don't let him consume you because he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't get a say in how you should live your life, how you think or how you feel. Don't let him take control of you, Liv. You are so much stronger than him and we are all here for you. The team, the squad... Me." she smiled and placed a kiss on Olivia's forehead.
"I feel broken." Liv added in a small voice and burried her face in the crook of Amanda's neck.
"I know," she soothed and rubbed her back up in down in a comforting pattern, "and it's okay and completely normal to feel that way. But you're not. You're not broken. Maybe a little chipped but that can be fixed, right? With the right treatment we will fix this, I promise you that."
Liv sniffled and pulled away to look Amanda in the eye. "We?"
Smiling the blonde tucked brown hair behind a delicate ear. "Yes, We. I'm not letting you go through this alone anymore. It's been hard to watch you change over the past few months but I didn't want to intrude or butt in on your privacy and I didn't really know how to approach you or bring it up. But I'm glad we're here now. Things can only get better from now on, I promise, and I'll be here every step on the way."
Swallowing at her tears Olivia's gaze wandered down to Amanda's pink plump inviting lips and before she knew it, she found herself softly kissing the blonde woman.
Amanda didn't move. Couldn't move. She was in shock. The softness of Olivia's lips was enough for her body to go up in flames. It was so soft and so perfect that for a second she thought she was dreaming or hallucinating. Never had a kiss been so perfectly perfect.
When Amanda didn't kiss her back she began to panic and she pulled away. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, I... I... I'm so sorry, I..."
Suddenly Amanda's lips were gently assaulting hers and all her fears and worries melted away. The blonde pulled her tighter against her body and caressed every part of Liv she could find. She just couldn't get enough. Olivia was the first to pull away. "As much as I like doing what we're doing, I don't want you to think that this is a drunken crush or flirt. I like you Amanda and I found myself very attracted to you. I just don't want you to think that I'm not aware of what I'm doing or feeling cause I am. I am aware."
Amanda smiled and stroked the face in front of her tenderly, trying to sooth her pain and troubles away with her reassuring touches. "I know." she said quietly. "I know that. I know that you're aware cause I'm aware that you're aware." she giggled at her own joke which caused a light slap on her arm from a surprised Liv.
"Smartass!" Liv announced, playing shocked but at the same time couldn't keep herself from not smiling.
Amanda pulled her back into her body and held her tight, running her hands up and down her back while placing kisses intermittently on the top of her head. "Just sleep now. I'll be here, baby. I'll be here."