Title: A Comedy of Mewni Errors
Fandom: Star Vs. the Forces of Evil
Summary: AU comedy sketch. Denizens from Mewni continue to misunderstand Earth culture.
A/N: Originally started as a short comic idea. Then I thought writing out as fic would be quicker, also interesting to do—and then it expanded way beyond the orginal short comic idea. May still turn some of this into a short comic.
"You just had to come back now?!" Star shouted, waving her wand haphazardly enough that Ludo, newly possession-free but feeling drained as junk, crept further out of her line of fire; while Toffee, newly-in-his-own-damn-body, just arched a brow. "I didn't even get to try Earth summer vacation because of you!"
"Sorry I didn't consult you on your schedule...wait, what?" Toffee cut off his own sarcastic retort, blinking at the girl. "What are you talking about?"
Ludo then burst out laughing, and both Star and Toffee stared at the small monster prince. Ludo stumbled to his feet, rubbing one eye as he laughed, though he seemed to be trying to calm down.
"Sorry," he wheezed, humor still in his voice, but no longer choked off by laughter. "It's just that Toffee not knowing something honestly gives me life at this point."
Toffee rolled his eyes. "I'm not omniscient, Ludo."
"Well, you act like it!" Ludo snapped, stabbing a finger at the taller monster.
"I'm a proficient liar," Toffee replied, and Ludo just growled. Star's eyes darted between the two, their...whatever-clash forgotten for the moment.
"Um...summer vacation I think is just supposed to be a time where humans don't do anything," said Star.
Toffee and Ludo stared at the princess.
Then both the monsters spoke over each other:
"That sounds awesome," Ludo breathed with delight, his eyes shining bright and claws folded beneath his head.
"Then is that human hibernation?" Toffee asked, still looking puzzled.
"Oh, if that's the case, less awesome," Ludo immediately amended, eyes dimming and arms falling back to his side.
Star opened her mouth, raising an authoritative finger—then paused, and looked even more confused than Toffee.
...
Janna picked up her phone when caller ID said it was Star.
"Star, where've you been, I—we all—"
"Hi Janna, I had a quick que—actually wait, I've really missed you—and everyone—I'm sorry for leaving like that—but—" Star's voice trembled, and she broke off. When she spoke again, it sounded like someone intent on changing the subject. "—but I had a question, Marco was talking about summer vacation, and he said it was like when you do nothing on Earth, but then Toffee asked if that was hibernation, like it sounded like that to him, but he's still confused, and I'm confused—"
"The...candy talked to you?"
Another kinda obnoxious voice cackled over the phone, not Star's voice at all—wait, Janna recognized that voice. It was that little Ludo creep who kidnapped Glossayrck and made Star cry before.
"You literally did not have to bring me into this," another new voice broke in. It was deep, and it sounded only a little exasperated and mostly just tired.
"But you brought it up first!" Janna heard Star's voice again over the phone, clearly responding to the new deepthroat voice.
"You just had to ask your friend, 'what is summer vacation?'—that's literally all you had to do."
"~Listen to Efficiency Expert Toffee, he'll cut every little thing out that doesn't work," sang Ludo's voice.
"Isn't that kinda like lying?" Star asked, ignoring Ludo. Janna was too entertained by listening to all of this to try calling Star's attention back to her.
"It's just omission," Toffee-Candy-Guy-of-Mystery-With-The-Deepthroat-Voice said.
"Just omission," Star replied, sounding unconvinced. "Sure, tell that to the mob at my Song Day—"
A sharp burst of deep laughter crackled over Janna's phone then. Definitely wasn't Ludo laughing this time.
"Toffeethat'snotfunny!" Star shrieked, sounding super embarrassed.
"Oh, yes it is," Toffee said, sounding super amused.
"Star, was I really in your Song Day song?" Ludo asked, his voice filled with enough excitement that Janna had to admit he sounded kinda adorable. "I heard some monsters gossiping about it—"
"Even heard them singing it," Toffee said, still sounding amused. Then he actually sang, "~Wreaking havoc like a natural disaster—"
"Holycowyoucansing," Janna said before she could think better of it, she was that caught off guard by the sudden burst of singing quality from that deep mysterious candy-named voice. Like damn.
There was a very awkward and even terrible silence after that.
"You heard nothing," Toffee's voice sounded over the phone, very clipped.
"Of course you can sing too, Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Perfect—" Ludo's voice began to rant. "—#^&! # why couldn't you sing with us at least once for Karaoke night before you had to blow everything up?!"
"Woah, Karaoke night was still going on even when Toffee arrived?" Star asked.
"How did you know about Karaoke night?!" Ludo shrieked.
"Buff Frog told me the last time I came over to babysit for him."
"Wait, what?" Now Janna had a chance to hear a confused Toffee. "Yvgeny's a father?" Toffee's question sounded both shocked and actually a little distressed.
"Who's Yvgeny?" Ludo asked. "Buff Frog's a father, we're talking about Buff Frog—"
"Yvgeny is Buff Frog's real name you damned little piece of shit I had him kicked out because he was the only one smart enough to call my bullshit and even I bothered to learn his real name why can't your worthless brain get it through your skull—" And so Janna heard what sounded a lot like Toffee at the end of his rope and really freakin' lose it after repressing a lot of emotional junk. (Janna reminded herself to continue to be more open with her feelings and words, because as fun as this was to hear, she didn't want to personally lose it like ever.)
"OhmygodToffeedon't—" And that was Star sounding super alarmed, then cut off by a loud thud, and Ludo screaming, then silence.
"...Star, did Toffee just kill Ludo?" Janna asked.
"Toffee just kicked him, he...actually, Ludo's still going, he hasn't actually landed yet—yeesh Toffee, did you have to kick him so hard?"
"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do that," Toffee replied.
"Okay, I know I haven't known you long—haven't even seen you, actually—but Toffee, my man, seriously suggest you repress less and express more, huh? Otherwise you explode like this," Janna commented, unable to resist voicing her thoughts.
Janna smirked when she heard Toffee only give her a grunt in response.
"...Toffee's actually kinda already literally exploded—OHMYGOD MOM!" Star's hesitant and bizarre statement turned into a shriek, accompanied by another Ludo scream, another loud thud, and another Toffee laugh that sounded even more delighted than the last one.
"Star? Star?" Janna said, but though she heard some distant noise over the phone, she didn't hear anything else from her friend.
...
"Star? Star? Star?" Janna's voice crackled from Star's phone, lying discarded on the ground.
Star had managed to hold onto her phone and still converse with Janna even when Toffee literally just dropkicked Ludo into the air. She even held it when she saw a dimensional portal cut before them, and her mother step out, armed and looking furious.
But when Ludo crashed on top of her mother, Star shrieked and dropped her phone and darted forward. Toffee just broke down cackling.
Both Moon and Ludo groaned. Then Moon began to sit up, Ludo wailing in her arms, "Toffee kicked me! He actually kicked me!"
"There, there, it'll be fine now," Moon said, absent-mindedly patting Ludo's head with one hand, while the other rubbed the back of her own.
"Mom, ohmygod Mom, I'm sorry—" Star said in a rush, grabbing up her mother's discarded sword with her free hand, while the other still held the wand. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, dear," Moon said, placing Ludo in Star's arms, and taking the sword instead. "You two, step back."
"I can't believe I actually kicked Ludo straight into your face," Toffee said, amusement lingering in his voice as he straightened up from his laughing fit, wand shard flaring up in his hand. "Just perfect timing."
And then Toffee looked pissed, and Moon actually swore, and Star and Ludo just stood frozen with wide eyes and open mouths as they watched Toffee and Moon tear into each other.
"Should...we...?" Star began, not taking her eyes off of the honestly most metal battle she had ever seen in her short life.
"Don't drag me into this!" Ludo shrieked, his claws tightening around the thin arms that held him. "I'm absolutely done with this! For real this time! No ghost-you is going to lure me in again—ohgod, was that Toffee the whole time too?! Was he fake ghost-you?!"
"…I've never seen my mom curse so much," Star said, for now choosing to ignore Ludo's bizarre and kinda unsettling statement. "Actually, I don't think I've ever seen her curse period."
"She's throwing around a lot of wild magic, huh?" Ludo replied, actually grateful for the change of subject.
"No, I meant—well, yeah, she's doing that too—I mean, the magic thing, definitely doing that—but I think the literal magic cursing thing, I dunno, I need to super double check this, but I think curses might be more complicated actually, and can't actually be normally just thrown out like that?—like they need more prep time, or they can't be that spontaneous, or something—I dunno, I'll have to look into that, but—but I mean, I meant, cursing as in, swearing."
"Oh!" Ludo said, actually looking up at Star.
"As my mom actually put it before, offensive language," Star replied, taking her eyes off the fight too, and looking down at Ludo in her arms. "I've never really heard her talk like this before."
"Gotcha."
"I didn't even think my mom knew all these words. Even I didn't know some of them."
"Same," Ludo said. "I mean, same with Toffee—never really saw him swear before, didn't think he was the type."
"You didn't think he was the type to backstab you either."
"Fine, fine, there's a lot I don't know about Toffee," Ludo grumbled, looking down.
"Same," Star said, stepping back when a green blast of horned toads hit a little too close. (And she had to admit Toffee's use of animal magic there was pretty cool, like an Earthy-gothy-creepy twist of creative juice Janna would've probably appreciated.)
"Yeah, Toffee keeps things close to the chest nowadays," Glossayrck said, in between bites of popcorn—Star jumped back, and Ludo screamed.
"GLOSSAYRCK?!" Star and Ludo shrieked.
"Don't mind me—here, you kids finish these off—" Glossayrck said, passing the popcorn bag to Ludo, who numbly took it. "I'm just here for the deus ex machina."
"What's the—?" Ludo started.
Star's eyes widened. "I think I heard Skullnick talk about it once—think it was like an old Earth spell maybe for the theatric language—"
"Who's Skullnick?" Ludo asked.
Both quieted and flinched at the next shockwave blast from the battle, one that sent both Toffee and Moon to the ground, groaning.
"That's my cue," Glossayrck said, then he just appeared by Toffee—neither Star nor Ludo noticed when he teleported—and dragged the Septarian monster into a portal he just summoned with a snap of his fingers.
Star and Ludo stared, until another soft groan from Moon made them snap out of it.
"Ohman, Ludo, help me get Mom," Star ordered, pulling out her dimensional scissors.
Together the two dragged the queen through a portal back to the Butterfly castle, leaving an empty cave behind.
...
Epilogue
A lot of hours later, Star read the text from Janna on her phone:
R u ok? Whats going on?
Star texted back.
Im ok. :) Long story, cant get in2 it now. ):
Star waited, wondering if she would get a response.
Janna texted, Cool. 3 So, summer vacation's like a 3 month break from school.
"Ooooh!" Star said out loud, bounced on her bed, and texted her delight to Janna, before running off to Ludo's guest room, waking him up to share the news.
…
"Huh," was all Toffee had to say after researching Earth summer online via his mobile.
"Immortal Monster you may be for the sake of the tapestry's rhyme, but even you need rest, less text," Glossayrck idly said, glancing down where Toffee lay on a straw pallet, on the floor of another cave he took shelter in, ripped shirt discarded and chest wrapped up in bandages.
Toffee's response was to play a recording of Ruberiot's Song Day performance and subsequent public riot someone had actually dared to record and put up on cyberspace.
Glossayrck sighed, rolling his eyes.
A/N: Mygod now I kinda want Toffee to do a dark reprise of "The Ballad of Star Butterfly." Toffee's voice actor Michael C. Hall can definitely sing, and I really want to see Toffee sing at some point during the show because of that. Only when I mostly had this drafted out did I realize this reminded me a little of HerenorThereNearnorFar's great "Heir Apparent" post-"Starcrushed" fic and another awesome post-"Starcrushed" fic, "I Fulfill All the Prophecies Around Here and Nobody Helps Me" by completetheory. This was definitely inspired by hug-bees' and spatziline's art:
post/158455003057/ever-think-toffee-got-tempted-to-dropkick-ludo
post/158539950466/svtfoe-as-a-reality-showthe-sequel